LSC1

SO I finally get the nerve to ring and organise (free) counselling as I want to broach the subject (about working on our unhealthy marriage) with my AH and the only local provider does not do couples counselling. The nearest is a 45 minute drive and I KNOW hubby will not agree to that. I am not even sure he will be receptive to attending counselling at all

BUGGER

dandylion

LSC1.....here in the States, most counselors will not do couples counseling until the alcoholic has stopped drinking......
The drinking alcoholic is not fully mentally and emotionally available for the therapy.....AND, moreover, it can actually be damaging to the other partner....as it can be used to manipulate and blame shift.
In these cases, it is generally recommended to do individual therapy.

I suggest that it might be a good idea for you to attend the therapy as an individual---for you......

dandylion

slowclimb

I also had been seeing a counselor who said the same...she wouldn't do couples counseling if the other partner was actively drinking. They are not in a place to work on couple issues until their own alcoholism is addressed.

Attend for yourself and if he is open to it then he can also go himself.

Liveitwell

There is no point in counseling until the drinking stops-no issues can be resolved until then bc the drinking is a big issue that only creates more!! Btdt. Alcoholics are not receptive to counseling bc they don't want to stop drinking. They wabt the happy marriage with all the benefits marriage brings but don't see that their alcoholism destroys the very thing they wabt and hold so dear to them.

AnvilheadII

take advantage of counseling for YOU.

LSC1

I was kinda hoping to use the couples counselling as a means to discuss our unhealthy relationship with hubby with a professional present to come up with strategies. I doubt he will want to stop drinking. I am plan on ringing local counselling services to see what is available ..locally for free or cheap... I am slowly coming to the realisation that separation is ultimately inevitable unless there is big changes in our marriage.But I kinda feel I owe it to my kids at least to try "something" before dissolving a 20 year relationship. It has only been 3 years (since I stopped drinking) that I realised how unhealthy the marriage is.

AnvilheadII

you getting sober was a huge step towards helping your kids....but they are still living with active alcoholism......with a dad who apparently has no plans to quit. remember their years count too......and they don't get a choice on how long this goes on............

LSC1

He is a good dad most of the time .. but I do agree with you

maia1234

LSC, I am sorry for what you are going through. I agree that you owing it to your kids to try and make one last chance at the marriage surviving.

I divorced 1 year ago after 34 years with my XAH. I tried multiple marriage counselors, then therapy my self, for months and months. Lots of money I paid and nothing clicked. I reached out to 2 alanon meetings, 2 open aa meetings a week and then SR for a solid 10 months straight. That was the only thing that saved me. These people understood what a crazy life I was living with an addict.

It was a reality check for me to realize that nothing was going to change with him, he was doing the therapy for me. He didn't want a divorce, he didn't want to set up a home, pay the bills, clean the house, do grocery shopping. He wanted it all to stay the same I take care of everything, he sits and drinks. Life was good for him but I was going crazy.

Once I got off the crazy train, my life changed. It took me a long time, but I got my voice back and I did what I had to do, even after 34 years together. Even one year later he is still drinking, and very depressed, but I don't have to deal with his craziness. He is not my headache any more.

Hugs my friend, keep reading, educating yourself, hitting meetings and one day it will click!!

LexieCat

I don't know how you expect to "work on an unhealthy marriage" with an actively drinking alcoholic. They aren't mentally "present." They have a skewed view of reality.

Working on a marriage with a counselor is hard work even when both parties are firing on all mental cylinders. It seems like an exercise in futility to attempt it when one of them isn't in his right mind.

How old are your kids? I'm assuming, since you've been with your husband for 20 years, that they aren't tots.

Dimndaruf

These replies are pretty much all correct. I've done couples counseling with my AH. The 1st counselor we saw (AH was actively drinking) saw us separately for months but nothing changed until he finally checked into rehab. This was about 2 years ago. Earlier this year we sough out another counselor (he was about 2 weeks sober at the time), this lady was much different from our previous counselor and we both REALLY LIKED her. She said that she normally doesn't see couples until the A is clean for at least 90 days, but she made an exception for us as she felt that we both genuinely loved each other and seemed like we both truly wanted our marriage to work. This is because it would be a waste of our time, insurance and her breathe, she explained that A's mind is still foggy and their thinking is still compromised by the alcohol. How can you fix a pair when 1 of the pair is broken? The only catch was that if he slipped we couldn't return for 90 days (sober). We only made it for 2 visits!
I recently sought out YET ANOTHER counselor who I saw yesterday and is willing to meet with my AH separately (I told her he's 2 months sober) and eventually the both of us together. Although she is willing to meet with us the message is still the same...he's not rational and his brain needs to heal before one can expect any results.

In the meantime focus on therapy for yourself, we need it just as much as they do.