NikTes

Mostly fine here. I came home last night after dinner at my mom's to find my husband blackout drunk again. I didn't realize he was in a black out state until this morning when he asked what time I came home -- had forgotten our whole half hour conversation. I'm trying not to be resentful or angry, but man, it's hard not to feel despondent and detached at this point. He was in the hospital last week for heart trouble -- racing and skipping beats (PVCs) -- and after having many tests he was released with the understanding that these things just happen and that he's fine. He's so NOT fine. I can't help but think that his health troubles are coming from the booze. Trying not to be judgemental as well ... hell, I've had lots of blackouts. Too many. I know he has to be the one to take control of his own drinking and that I have to protect myself. It's just become almost impossible to stay emotionally invested. Leaving the relationship, at this point, isn't an option. For many reasons. And I do love him.

Looking back on how I've lived since becoming sober last March, I do see that I've been isolating -- for protection. It's easier to stay home, upstairs, than to go out in public. Less trigger. Less temptation. I can easily do breakfasts with a friend, and have. It's easy to be home when you're introvert. Work-wise though, writing life wise, I still need to do things in public -- giving readings, interviews, other literary events -- and I'm still struggling with that. Saying NO as much as possible, and when that's not possible, I arrive late to the event and leave early, which isn't very professional of me. But that's the only thing I can do. Even with a betablocker (or 3) my nerves still get the better of me. I'm considering quitting the writing thing permanently -- there's just too much public/group interaction required.

Thanks for being here SR as I work through these thoughts. You folks are the only ones who know my situation.

Ruby2

Double winner club. It's so draining, isn't it? You're sober and working forward and your husband isn't. I'm in the same boat. Keep plugging away. I choose not to leave as well. I think in many respects that husband's drinking and using slows down my progress. But I plug away.

Do you have other support in real life for your sobriety? I've got s few friends who I can reach out to.

Can you do the writing without doing the public events?

Be well.

thomas11

Hi NikTes, have you always had anxiety issues or just since you quit drinking?

NikTes

Hi folks, thanks for the thoughts.

Ruby2, the double winner club is indeed draining. Sorry to hear you're also a lucky member! Strange that we might have been in a very similar dark place as where are partners are now and yet we're still hopeless to help them out. And, eeesh, how much detachment is healthy detachment. I have no idea. Couple this with our own struggles with sobriety. It's been a taxing fall here and I don't usually reach out. I haven't told anyone except you SR folks that I was abusing alcohol and that I've given it up. Husbands knows, but only from watching the day-to-day over the last few months. I haven't *officially* said anything to him.

thomas11, I've always had anxiety. Then drank to medicate the anxiety... then started drinking in the morning. Ah, you know how the story goes. It still blows my mind that much of the anxiety I was feeling the last couple of years before quitting drinking was actually withdrawal each morning. I had no idea.

Much better these days, but I still have issues with the public things. I'm the type that can't even introduce themselves to strangers without screwing up their own name!