My boyfriends drinking is making him ill, enough is enough!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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My boyfriends drinking is making him ill, enough is enough!
Hi everyone, I've come here for advice on how to help my boyfriend with his alcoholism.
We have been dating almost 2 years, he's romantic and kind, a talented wonderful hardworking person, he is what you would call a functioning alcoholic, he turns up to work every day sober, can go all day without a drink especially if he needs to be driving somewhere, but when he gets home and when he knows he's in late the next day or he's off, he will drink beer all day. When he is drunk he is a horrible 'could care less' sort of person. He told me straight away he was an alcoholic when we first started dating to give me choice to either run away or stand by him, I had already fallen in love with him at this point and a part of me thought I can help him through this addiction and get him over it, being as naiive as I were. He has been this way for 10 years, he says he was far worse than he is now before I met him, he used to be on spirits and drink cider, now he only buys a box of 20 beers from the supermarket, if it's his day off he will start drinking from when he wakes up until late on when he goes to bed, we usually never do anything or go anywhere, our relationship hasn't many memories of days out, just the pub or watching movies, he gets panic attacks out in public spaces and out of his 'comfort zone'. He told me that about 8 years ago whilst he was detoxing he had a fit and ever since it has worried him that if he doesn't drink he will have another one, but him holding down a job has proved to him that it won't and he can go without beer and it's all just a mental addiction now rather than a physical one. Despite this, he still carries on drinking, with him also being bipolar he has up and down moods of yes I'll cut down to I don't care it's none of your business. He is on medication for bipolar and I feel the drinking counteracts it.
In the past 10 months he has been getting gastritis at least once every two month, he last got it a few week ago and it was the worst case of it I've ever seen him have, he actually thought he had pancreatitis, he cradled himself in pain and was vomiting bright yellow bile, he was also sweating, we had to go to A&E and waited around 2 hours to be seen. The doctor told him its gastritis again and the alcoholic will be damaging his stomach. I told him in anger that he needs to handle his addiction once and for all as this the last straw, he agreed, after words with his mother she told him he needs to do this for me as I love him, he agreed to and even said to me he knows a way to tell his brain that if he drinks too much he will get ill. He was doing really well, when we would go to the pub he drank slowly and a pint would last him half an hour whereas before it would last 10 minutes. I was so proud of him. The days passed, the pain disappeared and he drank one too many, I was fed up and said "I'm worried that nothing will ever change and you will go back to drinking again" he got mad at me for not having much faith in him and saying I only gave him one day...turns out my worries were right anyway.
Its 3 weeks later and he's back to drinking his usual amount, he's back going to the pub only making his pint last 10 minutes, his mates inviting him out and without them realising it, making things worse. He gets irritated and angry at me for pulling a judgemental face or for 'bringing it up again' or mentioning how much he has had tonight and always accuses me of ruining his mood because I'm having a go about his drinking again...I just can't approach him! What do I do? It's as if that week of his painful gastritis never happened! His promise to me to cut down has gone out the window and it's killing me inside to watch him do this to himself again and I'm just counting down to the next time he gets ill and I honesty won't have sympathy for him the next time. I can't find a good time to talk to him because he's either just got in from work, he's on an early int he morning or its his only day off and I'm 'ruining it' but it's his health that's important here! I don't want him to die early in our lives together and me be lonely in my 50s! How can I approach him and tell him what it's doing to me without him getting angry?! I just worry I'm pushing him away every time I bring it up but he agreed to sort himself out and he's in complete denial again. He also threatened to kick me out if I approached his mother about this again. I have my hands tied.
We have been dating almost 2 years, he's romantic and kind, a talented wonderful hardworking person, he is what you would call a functioning alcoholic, he turns up to work every day sober, can go all day without a drink especially if he needs to be driving somewhere, but when he gets home and when he knows he's in late the next day or he's off, he will drink beer all day. When he is drunk he is a horrible 'could care less' sort of person. He told me straight away he was an alcoholic when we first started dating to give me choice to either run away or stand by him, I had already fallen in love with him at this point and a part of me thought I can help him through this addiction and get him over it, being as naiive as I were. He has been this way for 10 years, he says he was far worse than he is now before I met him, he used to be on spirits and drink cider, now he only buys a box of 20 beers from the supermarket, if it's his day off he will start drinking from when he wakes up until late on when he goes to bed, we usually never do anything or go anywhere, our relationship hasn't many memories of days out, just the pub or watching movies, he gets panic attacks out in public spaces and out of his 'comfort zone'. He told me that about 8 years ago whilst he was detoxing he had a fit and ever since it has worried him that if he doesn't drink he will have another one, but him holding down a job has proved to him that it won't and he can go without beer and it's all just a mental addiction now rather than a physical one. Despite this, he still carries on drinking, with him also being bipolar he has up and down moods of yes I'll cut down to I don't care it's none of your business. He is on medication for bipolar and I feel the drinking counteracts it.
In the past 10 months he has been getting gastritis at least once every two month, he last got it a few week ago and it was the worst case of it I've ever seen him have, he actually thought he had pancreatitis, he cradled himself in pain and was vomiting bright yellow bile, he was also sweating, we had to go to A&E and waited around 2 hours to be seen. The doctor told him its gastritis again and the alcoholic will be damaging his stomach. I told him in anger that he needs to handle his addiction once and for all as this the last straw, he agreed, after words with his mother she told him he needs to do this for me as I love him, he agreed to and even said to me he knows a way to tell his brain that if he drinks too much he will get ill. He was doing really well, when we would go to the pub he drank slowly and a pint would last him half an hour whereas before it would last 10 minutes. I was so proud of him. The days passed, the pain disappeared and he drank one too many, I was fed up and said "I'm worried that nothing will ever change and you will go back to drinking again" he got mad at me for not having much faith in him and saying I only gave him one day...turns out my worries were right anyway.
Its 3 weeks later and he's back to drinking his usual amount, he's back going to the pub only making his pint last 10 minutes, his mates inviting him out and without them realising it, making things worse. He gets irritated and angry at me for pulling a judgemental face or for 'bringing it up again' or mentioning how much he has had tonight and always accuses me of ruining his mood because I'm having a go about his drinking again...I just can't approach him! What do I do? It's as if that week of his painful gastritis never happened! His promise to me to cut down has gone out the window and it's killing me inside to watch him do this to himself again and I'm just counting down to the next time he gets ill and I honesty won't have sympathy for him the next time. I can't find a good time to talk to him because he's either just got in from work, he's on an early int he morning or its his only day off and I'm 'ruining it' but it's his health that's important here! I don't want him to die early in our lives together and me be lonely in my 50s! How can I approach him and tell him what it's doing to me without him getting angry?! I just worry I'm pushing him away every time I bring it up but he agreed to sort himself out and he's in complete denial again. He also threatened to kick me out if I approached his mother about this again. I have my hands tied.
Last edited by Heartbreakgal; 11-09-2015 at 05:05 AM. Reason: I missed a few important points out
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning,
First off, your hands are NOT tied. YOU have a choice. You can either continue on this destructive path with him or start taking care of YOU, your wants, your needs. He is making it very clear to you that HE does not want to stop drinking. If he did, he would. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and unfortunately unless he wants to get help for himself there is NOTHING you can do to help him. He doesn't care what his drinking is doing to him, why would he care what it's doing to you? I'm sorry to be so blunt but you need to see this for what it is.
I see that you joined SR IN February. I hope that you have taken the time to read the stickies at the top of the page. There is a load of information in them that will give you a clearer picture of what you are dealing with. Please get some help for yourself, the only person you can help is you. everyone of us here knows how you feel and can sympathize with the situation you find yourself in so please keep coming back to read and post. Shifting your focus is where you need to begin....
Big Hug to you!
Ro
First off, your hands are NOT tied. YOU have a choice. You can either continue on this destructive path with him or start taking care of YOU, your wants, your needs. He is making it very clear to you that HE does not want to stop drinking. If he did, he would. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and unfortunately unless he wants to get help for himself there is NOTHING you can do to help him. He doesn't care what his drinking is doing to him, why would he care what it's doing to you? I'm sorry to be so blunt but you need to see this for what it is.
I see that you joined SR IN February. I hope that you have taken the time to read the stickies at the top of the page. There is a load of information in them that will give you a clearer picture of what you are dealing with. Please get some help for yourself, the only person you can help is you. everyone of us here knows how you feel and can sympathize with the situation you find yourself in so please keep coming back to read and post. Shifting your focus is where you need to begin....
Big Hug to you!
Ro
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He knows how it's affecting you. He even suspected how it would affect you when you met--he gave you a heads-up and a chance to walk.
But you have made it your mission in life to save him from himself. Is that your job?
How fast he drinks isn't the problem. He's an alcoholic and that will continue unless and until he decides to live sober for good. It doesn't look like he's anywhere near that point.
He's indicated a willingness to kick you out--I'm not seeing a whole lot of commitment to you.
If not being lonely in your 50s is important to you, I'd suggest you look elsewhere for a partner. In my experience there is NOTHING as lonely as living with an active alcoholic.
But you have made it your mission in life to save him from himself. Is that your job?
How fast he drinks isn't the problem. He's an alcoholic and that will continue unless and until he decides to live sober for good. It doesn't look like he's anywhere near that point.
He's indicated a willingness to kick you out--I'm not seeing a whole lot of commitment to you.
If not being lonely in your 50s is important to you, I'd suggest you look elsewhere for a partner. In my experience there is NOTHING as lonely as living with an active alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I think that you are lonely right now, decades before you turn 50. And since your partner has told you straight out that he is an alcoholic, and he intends to continue to drink, this is the way it is, and the way that it is going to be.
His focus, his commitment, his energy are to alcohol and, as with most alcoholics, there is little room in his life for anything else besides lip service to you. He is clear that is what he wants.
It might help to read up on alcoholism. It is a disease that changes the alcoholic's physiology and chemistry profoundly and the only way out is to quit completely and embrace recovery with no more alcohol ever.
Unless he summons up the enormous will power and chooses to stop drinking and recover, this is probably what life with him will be. It is what he is actively choosing, and what he intends to choose.
This is not good news, certainly not the news we, as partners, want to hear. It does however, set you free to do what you need to do for yourself.
ShootingStar1
His focus, his commitment, his energy are to alcohol and, as with most alcoholics, there is little room in his life for anything else besides lip service to you. He is clear that is what he wants.
It might help to read up on alcoholism. It is a disease that changes the alcoholic's physiology and chemistry profoundly and the only way out is to quit completely and embrace recovery with no more alcohol ever.
Unless he summons up the enormous will power and chooses to stop drinking and recover, this is probably what life with him will be. It is what he is actively choosing, and what he intends to choose.
This is not good news, certainly not the news we, as partners, want to hear. It does however, set you free to do what you need to do for yourself.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 346
I can tell you both sides as I am an alcoholic and married to one. While drinking I could not see beyond the next drink--incapable until something bigger (usually pain, physical/emotional) gave me a moment of clarity. I quit 2 weeks ago (by way of checking into detox) and have endured a great deal of all-out abuse from my partner for doing so...till yesterday. I've been documenting by way of video and journal the drunken insanity cuz if I leave I want the kids removed from the house...I have enough...She must have sensed my seriousness as she broke down yesterday and said she wanted to join me and asked me to help. I will and we are putting together a detox plan...but I will also still carry out plan A if push comes to shove cuz I (and our kids) have lives to live. So do you. This is a good forum with lots of experience. Stay close and best wishes on caring for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 8
Thank you so much for your replies. I do feel lonely right now, the times I don't is when he is working and can't drink a great deal. The thing is he knows he has a problem and wants help but I know that he doesn't know how to help himself. He is a very insecure person and doesn't believe that he deserves happiness. When be threatened to kick me out he was very drunk and he also was having a manic moment with his bipolar, we have had many arguments whilst he has been like this and he doesn't care about the consequences of his actions and words whilst in this state, he is fully committed to me as he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Two things come to mind after reading your posts……
Codependency - is an addiction to trying to fix someone.
It keeps the relationship dysfunctional. It always ends up with the loss of your own self. And it always harms the other person if they don’t have to take responsibility for what they are doing wrong.
JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain – being drunk is never an excuse for unacceptable behavior.
I think if you continue to read all you can about alcoholism and it’s progression along with reading about codependency and focusing on you, you will come to acceptance of his illness and the fact that there is not a thing you can do for him. You will become stronger and then make the best decision you can for yourself. Keep reading, keep posting and keep your mind open especially with the focus on you.
Codependency - is an addiction to trying to fix someone.
It keeps the relationship dysfunctional. It always ends up with the loss of your own self. And it always harms the other person if they don’t have to take responsibility for what they are doing wrong.
JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain – being drunk is never an excuse for unacceptable behavior.
I think if you continue to read all you can about alcoholism and it’s progression along with reading about codependency and focusing on you, you will come to acceptance of his illness and the fact that there is not a thing you can do for him. You will become stronger and then make the best decision you can for yourself. Keep reading, keep posting and keep your mind open especially with the focus on you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He was doing really well, when we would go to the pub he drank slowly and a pint would last him half an hour whereas before it would last 10 minutes. I was so proud of him. The days passed, the pain disappeared and he drank one too many, I was fed up and said "I'm worried that nothing will ever change and you will go back to drinking again" he got mad at me for not having much faith in him and saying I only gave him one day...turns out my worries were right anyway.
he already WAS drinking again.....when you went to the PUB with him and WATCHED him drink and TIMED how long it took him to drink. he was consuming alcohol.
you HAVE told him how you feel, repeatedly. and....
He told me straight away he was an alcoholic when we first started dating
stalemate. he was drinking when you met and HAD been for a LONG time and today he is still choosing to drink, in spite of recent episodes.
instead of trying to change him, it might be time to step back and survey this set up from an objective perspective.
he already WAS drinking again.....when you went to the PUB with him and WATCHED him drink and TIMED how long it took him to drink. he was consuming alcohol.
you HAVE told him how you feel, repeatedly. and....
He told me straight away he was an alcoholic when we first started dating
stalemate. he was drinking when you met and HAD been for a LONG time and today he is still choosing to drink, in spite of recent episodes.
instead of trying to change him, it might be time to step back and survey this set up from an objective perspective.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome back and I hope that this time you can open your heart and ears to these words of wisdom.
If you came back to find that piece of paper that says "how do I get my boyfriend sober and live happily ever after", it doesn't' exist. If there was away we would know about it, let me tell you,
Your boyfriend was blunt, he told you I am an A, and that is who I am, don't change me. He knows he is sick and could die from it and he still chooses to drink. I guess it really isn't as bad for him as you say, because he truly has to hit rock bottom to want to change. At that time you can support him in his decision to get sober, not yours.
I am sorry that we don't have suggestions on what you can do to change his mind. Go and read the alcoholism and the new to recovery forum. See how these men and women suffer with this disease. You will read about how low their lives became before they "found" the light.
I would hit some alanon meetings, and maybe a therapist for yourself. The best you can do is take care of you and give him to GOD or his higher power!!
Hugs my friend!!
If you came back to find that piece of paper that says "how do I get my boyfriend sober and live happily ever after", it doesn't' exist. If there was away we would know about it, let me tell you,
Your boyfriend was blunt, he told you I am an A, and that is who I am, don't change me. He knows he is sick and could die from it and he still chooses to drink. I guess it really isn't as bad for him as you say, because he truly has to hit rock bottom to want to change. At that time you can support him in his decision to get sober, not yours.
I am sorry that we don't have suggestions on what you can do to change his mind. Go and read the alcoholism and the new to recovery forum. See how these men and women suffer with this disease. You will read about how low their lives became before they "found" the light.
I would hit some alanon meetings, and maybe a therapist for yourself. The best you can do is take care of you and give him to GOD or his higher power!!
Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Exactly what's in this for you? He gets drunk when he is off work, and drinks all day on his days off. You never go anywhere except the occasional trip to the pub, you say he is "horrible" when drunk which appears to be during the times you two are together...... where do you fit in to this picture? Is this your idea of a good relationship?
Long term health issues are a reality here. My husband has chronic pancretitis, and type 1 diabetic due to alcoholism 14 years later sober guess what? He still has it. He is also Bi-Polar. The difference is he manages his illnesses and lives a healthy lifestyle.. There is no management in your situation. He might as well not bother with the BiPolar meds since he drinks the way he does. I lived with my husband before he was diagnosed with BiPolar unmedicated I got all the sympathy in the world for you because its AWFUL.
I don't want him to die early in our lives together and me be lonely in my 50s! How can I approach him and tell him what it's doing to me without him getting angry?! I just worry I'm pushing him away every time I bring it up but he agreed to sort himself out and he's in complete denial again. He also threatened to kick me out if I approached his mother about this again. I have my hands tied.
So to top it off he has threatened to kick you out for trying to help him. Stellar. Your hands are tied for helping him, there is nothing you can do for him except continue your codependent enabling relationship which is VERY beneficial to him, and VERY detrimental to you. There is no approach to him that will work. He doesn't care what you feel or what you have to put up with. When a person will sacrifice a day(s) to puke bile rather than address their issue what you think, feel, or how you are harmed by his alcoholism doesn't register on his meter.
I recommend you start going to Al Anon and read the book Co-dependent no More. You can help yourself. Your hands aren't tied to help YOU.
Long term health issues are a reality here. My husband has chronic pancretitis, and type 1 diabetic due to alcoholism 14 years later sober guess what? He still has it. He is also Bi-Polar. The difference is he manages his illnesses and lives a healthy lifestyle.. There is no management in your situation. He might as well not bother with the BiPolar meds since he drinks the way he does. I lived with my husband before he was diagnosed with BiPolar unmedicated I got all the sympathy in the world for you because its AWFUL.
I don't want him to die early in our lives together and me be lonely in my 50s! How can I approach him and tell him what it's doing to me without him getting angry?! I just worry I'm pushing him away every time I bring it up but he agreed to sort himself out and he's in complete denial again. He also threatened to kick me out if I approached his mother about this again. I have my hands tied.
So to top it off he has threatened to kick you out for trying to help him. Stellar. Your hands are tied for helping him, there is nothing you can do for him except continue your codependent enabling relationship which is VERY beneficial to him, and VERY detrimental to you. There is no approach to him that will work. He doesn't care what you feel or what you have to put up with. When a person will sacrifice a day(s) to puke bile rather than address their issue what you think, feel, or how you are harmed by his alcoholism doesn't register on his meter.
I recommend you start going to Al Anon and read the book Co-dependent no More. You can help yourself. Your hands aren't tied to help YOU.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What indication, exactly, has he given you that he really WANTS help? I know, I know, he paid lip service when he was sick and you had him in a corner and his mother was telling him what he should do. But HIS answer to that is "I have to drink slower." That isn't recovery, or even close.
He wants to continue to drink without the negative consequences--feeling sick, you and his mom on his back, etc. That's all. No desire to get sober, from what you've described.
He wants to continue to drink without the negative consequences--feeling sick, you and his mom on his back, etc. That's all. No desire to get sober, from what you've described.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Look at how low you have set your expectations......
He was doing really well, when we would go to the pub he drank slowly and a pint would last him half an hour whereas before it would last 10 minutes. I was so proud of him
Honey that is nothing to be proud of.
He was doing really well, when we would go to the pub he drank slowly and a pint would last him half an hour whereas before it would last 10 minutes. I was so proud of him
Honey that is nothing to be proud of.
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