Wife of a heroin addict

Old 11-08-2015, 11:27 PM
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Wife of a heroin addict

It's taken me 3 different times to type this out as I have many emotions involved. There is so much I could let out. I feel I could write a novel. I don't even know where to begin.
Where DO I begin?
I am a wife of a heroin addict.
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Old 11-09-2015, 03:57 AM
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I'm dsorry for what brings you here Iwishuponstars but please know there is support and understanding here.

Welcome

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Old 11-09-2015, 04:12 AM
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How about starting with how you are.

So how are you? Are you ok and safe?

I am the wife of a recovering heroin addict. I remember the early days when I first found out. The overwhelming fear that ran me. The endless whys and what ifs.
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Old 11-09-2015, 12:50 PM
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I am also the wife of a heroin addict. You start where you need to start. We all have one thing in common. We know what it's like to live through hell.
Say what you need to say. No one is judging. We will listen and tell you our stories as well.
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Old 11-09-2015, 03:43 PM
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I'm the ex-girlfriend of an opiate addict. You'll sadly find lots of us on here; read our stories. You have lots of support.
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Old 11-09-2015, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Iwishonstars777 View Post
It's taken me 3 different times to type this out as I have many emotions involved. There is so much I could let out. I feel I could write a novel. I don't even know where to begin.
Where DO I begin?
I am a wife of a heroin addict.
Welcome to the Board. Where you began is fine, You're safe with us.

Spouses who plunge into addiction are abdicating their responsibilities to their partners, and that's especially true of someone in the throes of heroin addiction. Sadly, the only thing that matters to someone in that state is maintaining that feeling at any and all cost.

So what we're here for is to provide support for you such that you can make the best decisions you can for yourself. And those decisions may not be ones you want to make. Yet sometimes, in this life, we're left with very little choice...
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Old 11-09-2015, 06:16 PM
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what is the event that brought you here?
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Old 11-10-2015, 04:03 PM
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I'm the ex wife of a heroin addict. Heroin will always come first. I'm sorry that you are here, but glad that you are at the same time. This place has helped me out immensely and I have no doubt it will help you the same.
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Old 11-10-2015, 06:04 PM
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Welcome! Many of us are here for the same reason you are. Keep reading and the support here is fantastic.
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Old 11-10-2015, 11:54 PM
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Thank you all for the support. Makes me feel comfortable inside.
I am safe, kids are safe.
My husband who has been using for 4 1/2 years, in and out of detox and doctors, $1000's gone, finally checked himself into a halfway house. I have been through hell with him, some good times but mostly, not so good times. I have faith in him. I believe he can do it. It's hurts to see the pain he deals with inside him. I wish I could help but I know there is nothing I can do for him. I will never forget the stuff he has done and events that have happened. Which some I hate myself for. Forgiveness is hard. I want to forgive him. I know he loves me and the person he has been is not him. He knows it. We've known each other 20 years and been together for 5. I remember the first time I had suspicions of him using something. The black marks on the counter, foils in the trash and cabinets, straws, baggies with residue. He left his wallet next to the toilet, which was just odd. I was curious and looked through his wallet and found a little cellophane wrapper with it tucked inside. I flipped and woke him up with threatening to toss it down the toilet. He claimed he was holding it for a friend and if I did flush it, he'd owe his friend $200. I knew that was a lie. It was his. He said he'd take care of it and it won't happen again. Morning came and I refused to give him his stuff. I had said I already flushed it..he didn't believe that. I should have, what was I thinking? He went to work, and ended up telling me to bring it to him on his lunch so he could give it away. I did, on a suspended license let alone. Said he'd be back, he was going to use the restroom and wed talk. He came out and I knew he got high. The pinpoint pupils were a dead give away. Especially since I observed the before and after. Another arguement after work and I told him to quit his job. He did the next day. I told him he needs to do detox or rehab. Said he didn't need it and stopped. He got a different job and I noticed a difference for awhile and then his brother passed away a few days before christmas. I noticed yet another change in him. I remember searching around to see if I could find anything. A few times I did but most of the time I didnt. A few months before the baby was born, I found a clean glass piece wrapped in a paper bag tucked between the seat and side of my old car on the side of the house. I smashed it and threw it away and then confronted him about it. Denied it was his and showed it didn't bother him that I smashed it. Now, I have meth in the picture. Actually, I didn't quite know at the time until a month later when he asked me if he could do meth just one time. Of course my answer was an explosive, angry, no. He left it alone. He changed jobs and a few months after the baby was born I had suspicions again. I found his piece under the dresser a long with foils. Along with two baggies. Now I knew for sure what it was. I have never touched either but I knew what each looked like. There was no denying it. Now that I think about it, this is when it got a bit more serious. I didn't know what to do but hope and pray he'd stop. The baby was never in danger but I still felt guilty this was the life we were living.
I hope being a parent in this situation is not judged upon. I never ever thought I would be in the situation let alone with a baby and scared. I look back now and think to myself, "what was I thinking?" Or "i should've (or shouldnt have) done this or that." It broke my heart that our plans and dreams for the future were being ruined. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I had Google to search as much information as I could. I observed (maybe to much). I didn't trust anything or believe anything. I went along with things knowing the truth. I would bring stuff up and it would get thrown in my face that I didn't know what I was talking about. I felt as though I had been replaced, ignored. I was just there. How could he do this? Why is he doing this if he says _____. Does he not love me anymore? What did i do wrong? What am I doing wrong? What do I do? Countless nights of crying myself to sleep. Arguments with threats and hatefulness. We were both suspects. I could break down each event even further. This all was just a year and a half. Nevermind everything else I didn't mention.
I'm sorry my response is so long. I have so much I'd just like to share and get off my chest.
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:07 AM
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Please, please, please take care of yourself. Get to an Alanon or Naranon meeting as soon as you can...it's not just your life this will effect...it's your child's as well...you can not change him. The endless searching, confronting, hoping he will change...I'm sorry to say, it's useless, and a waste of a time. What WON'T be a waste of time is taking care of yourself. Learn all you can about addiction, read everyone's threads on here...hear our stories. Most of them consist of pain, disappointment, turmoil and insanity. The only thing you have control over IS YOURSELF. Take care of yourself, your child deserves one stable parent. Do you have boundaries in place? If you catch him using or high again? What is your plan B? Of course he loves you, (At least I hope so), however, drugs will always be his first love. Trust me, I TRIED to compete, for years-there is NO COMPETITION, we will never win against drugs with an addict. No one here is judging, we've all been in the same, if not similar situation. But, try to learn from our heartache, it get's worse before it gets better (if it ever gets better.)

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Please take care of yourself, be easy on yourself.

Hugs.
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:24 AM
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So where do you go from here? Have you gotten to that point in the thought process?

With him in a halfway house what do you expect of him … is there an option for him to come home … do You even want him home?

What do YOU need and want from this life? And think about that without him in the mix.

As was said you can’t compete with the heroin. It will take you right down with him. It will leave you lost, alone, unsure of yourself, confused, anxious, and fearful if it hasn’t already.

Please know that you didn’t do anything wrong. There is no making sense of anything when looking through things with the addiction as a guide. Addiction never makes sense or is rational.

And how could he … well how could he what … After all he is an addict and this is exactly what he does as such.
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:56 PM
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I guess right now I'm just going with the flow. He has mentioned he wants to leave the halfway house but I insisted on him staying there. I'm not really ready for him to come home. He needs to take care of himself without my every direction. He needs to figure out what he needs to do for himself without me telling him what to do. I know I can't change him. I know this drug has a hold of him. I know I can only control myself.
I have explained to him why I want and need him to stay. He's been clean for 6 days. That's the longest he's been clean in quite awhile. Last detox, I picked him up and he conned me into taking him to his dealers house. He makes me feel so guilty and the sob stories. I can stand my ground for awhile until he throws the suicide threats in the mix. I could understand why he would feel that way with everything that has happened in his life, therefore, I give in. Time and time again. The agreement this time was put out by my mom. If he comes back home and uses, he gets kicked out and I can't help him. If I give in to him, money or to help him get his stuff, I get kicked out as well and our girls will stay with my parents. He doesn't want that to happen and that's part of the reason I want him to stay at the halfway house. I don't want him to make me feel so guilty to where I give in and risk being there for our kids. I've risked enough already I don't want to anymore.
He was able to get into the halfway house from his sponsor. He even paid for 3 days for him to get started. Thing was he needed to get a job. Still hasnt. Hes discouraged because he does not have a cell phone or transportation, let alone money and that's why he wants to come home. I told him he needs to deal with it. If he wants to remain clean, he needs to do whatever it takes to get a job to be able to pay rent there. He is surrounded by people just like him who have the same goal and similar stories. I think, right now, they are of better help and support than me. Especially since I'm supposed to be concentrating on myself. He needs to continue going to meetings and working the steps. As much as I would love to see him and hear about his progress, I don't think that seeing me and the kids on a daily basis is the best thing. Then again, he says he can't be alone and he wants to be around me and the kids. I am very proud of him for making it this far and taking a different approach to the recovery process. I've done countless hours of research on addiction, the drug, and mental illness. I could tell anyone where to go for treatment in our city. I could tell them their different options. I feel as though I've done my own schooling on addiction.
I would like to go to an ha or na meeting but there are not too many around where I live. I'm also a bit shy, especially when it comes to new people face to face. I would love to share what I have on my mind but I wouldn't even know where to begin. At least online I have time to think about what I'm saying. I'm also not very well with public speaking.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:23 PM
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You can go to ANY open meeting of ANY 12-step group and you don't have to share during the speaking part. Meetings up here, anyway, say at the end that if you need to talk to find someone after the meeting. We also have requirements here for clean/sober-time in order to chair or secretary the meeting, so they might be a safe bet as someone to grab. Or just listen to someone that you like what they're saying. As much as I have talked down meetings during my 11 years in the rooms, you are surrounded by people who are living on one side of this brutal coin and I would say you're more likely to find people who "get it" there than anywhere else.

Good luck!
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Old 11-11-2015, 04:41 PM
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The agreement this time was put out by my mom. If he comes back home and uses, he gets kicked out and I can't help him. If I give in to him, money or to help him get his stuff, I get kicked out as well and our girls will stay with my parents. He doesn't want that to happen and that's part of the reason I want him to stay at the halfway house. I don't want him to make me feel so guilty to where I give in and risk being there for our kids. I've risked enough already I don't want to anymore.

hon, it's time that the kids come FIRST and in fact, ONLY. you now have an agreement in place that you will surrender your children if you relapse on your AH. please THINK about that. think HARD. your children have both parents caught up in addiction of one sort or another.....him and his drugs, and you and your drug....HIM.

i know it's hard......but your maternal instincts need room to thrive so that you can be the best parent possible and make the best choices. as far as this not being the real him......i must disagree......this IS who he IS NOW. all the turmoil and upheaval and insanity.
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Old 11-12-2015, 08:16 AM
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Find face to face support if you can it will go a long way. You don’t have to speak as was said just listen.

I know you did a lot of research with him, but have you done any from the watching side of things?

So many of us did the same, went to look for how to help and understand them to learn it time we desperately needed to help and learn about ourselves. So if you haven’t researched what will help you I suggest you look up enabling, denial, codependency … gain this insight.

Those who watch get sick too, most of the time way sicker than the addicts in their lives.

You are worth your time!

You deserve the time you give yourself!

And if you can give yourself that time not only will you be giving yourself a huge gift you will be giving a gift to your children as well. In this you also remove yourself from being sucked back into the game. But then you have to remember that you never had to play the game to begin with.

Oh and the suicide threats, always should be taken seriously. If faced with this again the best reaction is to call 911 immediately. This way if he is serious then he gets the help he needs and if he was just playing some sick twisted game with you he will think twice about pulling that **** again. It is never up to anyone to assign what that threat truly is so it always must be taken seriously.

Be gentle with yourself.
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Old 11-14-2015, 01:20 AM
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Originally Posted by incitingsilence View Post
Find face to face support if you can it will go a long way. You don’t have to speak as was said just listen.

I know you did a lot of research with him, but have you done any from the watching side of things?

So many of us did the same, went to look for how to help and understand them to learn it time we desperately needed to help and learn about ourselves. So if you haven’t researched what will help you I suggest you look up enabling, denial, codependency … gain this insight.

Those who watch get sick too, most of the time way sicker than the addicts in their lives.

You are worth your time!

You deserve the time you give yourself!

And if you can give yourself that time not only will you be giving yourself a huge gift you will be giving a gift to your children as well. In this you also remove yourself from being sucked back into the game. But then you have to remember that you never had to play the game to begin with.

Oh and the suicide threats, always should be taken seriously. If faced with this again the best reaction is to call 911 immediately. This way if he is serious then he gets the help he needs and if he was just playing some sick twisted game with you he will think twice about pulling that **** again. It is never up to anyone to assign what that threat truly is so it always must be taken seriously.

Be gentle with yourself.
***
I know you did a lot of research with him, but have you done any from the watching side of things?
I honestly didn't think of it that way. I have done research for myself but definitely not extensive as for him.ive looked up stories and stuff online. I have a few self help books that I started and definitely didn't finish.

Enabling, definitely know that one. Denial, I never want to truly believe my situation. "It's not that bad" "it will get better" "things could be a lot worse"
Codependency, I always thought of myself as independent and strong. I guess maybe I'm really not that independent and strong after all...

The suicide threats break my heart. He lost his dad 5 years ago to suicide. His grandfather committed suicide.
2 years ago he was admitted to a "detox, psych ward". He was gone for about 4 days. They released him because he checked out ok. At that time I feel like I totally lost it as well. He was using heroin, meth, valium, zanax, alcohol, marijuana. You name it. And I had a stranger i was taking care of along with our daughter. I can't believe the experiences I had during that time. 9 months of hell. Everything led to me cheating on him. I was so messed up I felt it didn't matter. I never would have thought me to do such a thing. That goes against my morals for sure. I guess it doesn't help either that I always had suspicions of him cheating on me. I don't know if I was so insecure and paranoid of it was really happening.
Since that time, that's a normal behavior for him. He always says too, I really don't want to kill myself. He goes from one extreme to the other.

This way if he is serious then he gets the help he needs and if he was just playing some sick twisted game with you he will think twice about pulling that **** again. It is never up to anyone to assign what that threat truly is so it always must be taken seriously.
I appreciate these words as I lost a close friend to suicide over the summer. I really don't want our girls not have him.
If I were to call 911, what would happen to me or the girls in that situation? If I were to call the cops, what would happen? I don't want something to happen to my girls. I don't want to deal with cps for whatever reason. They don't live my life. I was even afraid to post I have kids.

Thank you so much for your words. I felt myself calm and honest. I need some peace in my life.
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Old 11-14-2015, 06:56 AM
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please do not live this out of a sense of duty or obligation.

we cannot tell you what to do. we can suggest what helped us and we can share our stories/experiences.

Most people have awful things happen during their lives. Many turn to drugs or other addictions to cope. THIS is NOT your responsibility. He neglected to think about you and his children each time he used. He will continue the dance. He will tell you what you wish to hear, so that he will be able to continue the life that he has chosen for himself.

Words here are out of concern for you and your little ones.

Detox is temporary. The drugs changed his mind. He did not choose recovery and will look for any way out of it. Verbal promises are just words.

There was a recent post from hopepraylove ... asking if we could share whether we would ever date someone in 'recovery' ... read this one. It says everything about where it all ends up.

Our hearts let go very slowly and usually thru our near destruction. I was with my ABF for 3 years. He picked up a couple of weeks after we met. I mean, bloody hell - what did that say about me ? I stayed and stood by and cried buckets of tears, was cutting my arm, tolerating everything because I prayed he would get to a point that he chose recovery. It was a waste of emotion. He chose to continue and died. You cannot save someone. They must save themselves. You can pick up the pieces of your life and look at the faces of your children and realize that you need to build a clean life for all of you. That they deserve to start out with the best possible chances.

Please ask for strength. We cannot love someone into sobriety. Often, letting them go, is what may save them. Anything else, is again ... their choice.

I didn't believe the saying that the mind was forever changed after the first use ... but it IS true. The man I knew changed, immediately. I stayed because I wanted to believe that he would be back.

read my bylines ...

plus my favorite - 'he who makes a beast of himself, avoids that pain of being a man'

my thoughts and prayers are with you, many of us have been exactly where you are. Hugs. please keep coming back. I read for 2 1/2 yrs before I posted. The info and kindness here, save me from isolation. Joie
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Old 11-21-2015, 06:59 PM
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For your kids' sake, just remember that something like 2/3 of addicts are themselves the products of childhood trauma. Keep them safe, be there for them, put them first and foremost, they will thank you for it one way or another. You'll be okay :-)
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Old 11-22-2015, 01:11 AM
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Originally Posted by JD4320 View Post
For your kids' sake, just remember that something like 2/3 of addicts are themselves the products of childhood trauma. Keep them safe, be there for them, put them first and foremost, they will thank you for it one way or another. You'll be okay :-)
Thank you besides their father being him, our girls are very well taken care of. No parent is perfect but we agree to work on some things to help them as well. They are still young, 3 1/2 and 1, but we know the earlier the better. I dont think they have been traumatized by all means but no one will know until later. Things havent been perfect for sure, then again i know kids who have been worse off and "turn out ok". I believe we all have issues within ourselves and need the tools and resources to help and cope with life. I came from a wonderful family and the childhood of a lifetime, and still wonder how I ended up where Im at. I believe its for a reason. Thank you for telling me I'll be okay! I believe it for sure!
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