Gwenyth

My AH moved out last weekend. He went on a binge and for the first time, hit rock bottom and realized his life was unmanageable (even at rehab he never believed that he hit rock bottom). We've been on this roller coaster for 2 years and I have gotten use to his best intentions and broken promises. But, alas, I love him.

Yesterday (his first day of sobriety), we had a long talk - what he said and how he said what he had to say convinced me that he is truly committed to his recovery. He asked for one more chance, which I decided to give him. Perhaps I am falling for an old song and dance, so I am being an optimistic realist. In the event that my AH decides not to work his recovery, he will have to move out again and he will not be allowed to move back. Before my AH comes home, I want to establish boundaries re his recovery (ex. he has to have a concrete plan for how to control his thoughts about alcohol before they control him). Any suggestions?

journeygal

Hi Gwenyth,

Unfortunately, you can't establish boundaries when it comes to his recovery. You can't control it or him. You can't make him go to meetings, you can't force him to follow a certain plan, and you can't dictate how he should handle his thoughts about alcohol.

If you want to set boundaries, then you have to decide what you're willing to put up with. For example, if he drinks again, will you stay with him? You can't control him, but you can control yourself and your actions.

Take care,
JG

splendra

I would like to suggest that you read the stickie post about boundries at the top of this forum. or is it the naranon forum???? Either way read it. boundries hjave to be about us not them...... I don't think you can really make a boundry about his recovery ya know!!! You might say if you drink again you are out of here but, if you do not stick by it and really mean it then you do not have a boundry....

Magichappens

Boundaries are about learning to take care of ourself. One of the things I had to do was get to know myself. I had avoided that for years. I felt I wasn't much good, and I was afraid of what I would find if I faced me. Through the loving help of Al-Anon and the 12 steps, I learned that I was really a great person who deserved love. I have my flaws, and I have done things to meet needs in me that don't make me proud. But I have learned to understand and forgive myself. I know what my needs are and I have healthy ways to meet them now.

Learning to care about me was when I learned what boundaries are. They are the things that I would do for a friend, but not for myself. They are the things that I would have advised someone I loved to do but wasn't willing to do for myself. Self esteem, self worth, and healing have given me gentle boundaries without anger, but with love and respect. My boundaries aren't walls, they are doorways that I can walk through to freedom from self doubt, self loathing and self destructiveness.

I never thought that I could work 12 simple steps and in the process find a strong, wonderful woman. That is what happened. Hugs, Magic

leem03

Gwenyth, first of all best of luck to you and your husband through the first few days of sobriety. My first instinct is that if you guys have been going through this for two years, it seems likely that you have given him the "one last chance" before. Again like the other replies stated, this we know has to be about him helping himself.

If you are to give any kind of boundary, I would only say make sure it's one you can stick to. Just like he's made broken promises I'm sure you have broken one last chance boundaries before too. He may be counting on that to happen as well.

My ultimate suggestion, just be careful for yourself. While he's on his way to recovery, figure out a way to get on your way to self-recovery. I'm sure this has been an awful 2 years for you and you deserve a break too.

I wish you both the very best & hope that he stays on the sober path.

Gwenyth

I posted this last night and thought about it all night before checking for responses this morning - last night I came to the same conclusion as all of you. I don't want to control my AH or feel like I am in charge of his recovery (in fact I told him last night that he is in charge of his recovery and can handle it anyway he wants - previously we had a contract that required him to do 90/90 and if he missed more than 2 days in a row, he had to move out. I didn't bend on that one). Given our history of ultimatums and boundaries, it would be really foolish for him to think I won't do what I say (granted, I am usually crying when I do what I said I would, but I still follow through).

Re boundaries, I have decided:
1. If he engages in unacceptable behavior – including, but not limited to, gambling online, looking at porn, chatting with women online or joining any sort of dating/singles website or if he is physically violent with me (conduct he has done in the past when drunk), then he must leave and will not be allowed back, if at all, until he has 1 year of sobriety.
2. If he engages in hurtful behavior - including, but not limited to, lying or insulting me or trying to make me feel inadequate (conduct he has also done while drinking), he must move out and will not be allowed back, if at all, until he has 3 months sobriety.
3. If he drinks (but does not lie or otherwise engage in unacceptable or hurtful behavior), he must return to where he went for rehab for a weekend session or move out until he has 3 months sobriety.

Any thoughts from those more experienced? I'm trying to be compassionate and understanding re the disease, but I am also setting forth what I will tolerate and what I will not. Does this make any sense?

Magichappens

((Gwenyth))
These sound like reasonable boundaries. With that in mind, make sure that you are getting all the help you can to find the courage and strength to take care of yourself. Al-Anon is a great tool for support and help. By reaching out to people in Al-Anon, and working the 12 steps, I have found that I love myself more, and don't feel alone in the process. Keep working on yourself. You are learning and growing. By reaching out here, you are already find some strength to take care of you. Hugs, Magic

Edge

(((magichappens)))
You always seem to say the right things for me. I am in my 4th step and your words
"I learned that I was really a great person who deserved love. I have my flaws, and I have done things to meet needs in me that don't make me proud. But I have learned to understand and forgive myself. I know what my needs are and I have healthy ways to meet them now."
truly spoke to me.