Feeling so down

Old 11-06-2015, 02:57 PM
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Feeling so down

I'm having a really tough week I'm so down in the dumps and angry at myself for staying so long and angry at AH for being who he is now! I miss the old him so much he was the love of my life and right now I feel like I will never love anyone the way I loved him again. I'm sad that my marriage is over and that now I'm a single mother. I'm also sorry that I didn't educate myself about alcoholism sooner and things might have been different. But no I took things into my own hands and thought I was doing everything right by giving ultimatums that I never followed through on and screaming, shouting and demanding that he stop drinking, turning myself inside out to try and help him and all for nothing as he replaced me within a couple of weeks (something I never thought he would do). He watched me fall apart and even after he went he knew I was having a hard time but continued to make things horrible for me!

I feel like I'm taking one step forward and ten steps back partly because he cannot just leave me alone. Last week he kept trying to ring me at 11.30 pm and when I didn't answer he text me saying "goodbye". He frightened me so much that I had to ring his brother to make sure he was ok. Should I ignore these kind of texts or what should I do? If anything happened to him and I didn't respond how could I live with that?

Sorry for the vent but I am so down and just had to get this off my chest
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Old 11-06-2015, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Tangled34 View Post
Should I ignore these kind of texts or what should I do? If anything happened to him and I didn't respond how could I live with that?
If something bad happened to him and he has the physical capacity to call someone on a phone, he should be calling either police, or an ambulance, or a fire truck. If it's an emergency, he can call emergency services. If it isn't an emergency, he can wait until morning and call you like a normal person. Either way, he doesn't need to be ringing you at silly hours. You aren't his personal savior at 11:30pm, you need to live your own life and let yourself get back to normal. If he replaced you already, let his newfound fling handle the midnight phone calls because it's not your responsibility to cushion the repercussions of his addiction. You know that a late night phone call like that will just result in a drunken conversation most likely.

We're so used to walking on eggshells during the relationship and keeping one eye on the phone for "emergencies" that it's hard for us to break away from that bad habit once the relationship is over.

Edit: him doing that to you is a form of manipulation. He's flexing his power over you to make you jump.
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Old 11-06-2015, 04:44 PM
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Hi T-

First thing that popped into my head when reading your post is " lucky her" ( his girlfriend, I mean ).
Try not to beat yourself up about what you did or didn't not do sooner. You are no different than most of us here. We all have given 110% to a relationship where our partner was giving so much less. So, pick your chin up, be proud of yourself for giving it your all and more not only for yourself but for your child/children. YOU my dear deserve a life without the chaos let him call his new " girl", God help her, when he feels the need to say Goodbye.

And yes, I agree with Thomas up there^^^^. He is trying to manipulate you! My advise? Put him on block!
Good luck to you.... We are here!!
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Old 11-06-2015, 04:53 PM
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Tangled.....what has happened in the past is history. One can become very old waiting for history to change itself.
Even God cannot change history.

Your future is another story. Your future and that of your child is in your hands.

He is manipulating you....and, you are falling for it....he KNOWS you will fall for it.

Like the others have suggested....just turn your phone off at night and stay away from social media.
His new attendant can take care of his needs.

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Old 11-06-2015, 08:58 PM
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Tangled-oh friend-I could have written your post word for stinkin word about 6 months ago. Word.for.word. In fact, I think I may have a few times I know you are hurting and confused and angry and.....it's all normal and part of the process. Yes, he's trying to manipulate you to play his little game again. If he can rope you back in again then everything is normal again. My ex did the same thing. Right around the time I heard he was bragging about some new lady (couple months after divorce) was the same time he was texting me telling me he just wanted to be my husband. When I did finally give in and respond telling him I supported him making good healthy choices with his life he bit my head off in a response and spewed more verbal abuse and completely fabricated stories. Hmm. Actions, friend, not words. Alcoholics will do anything to not face themselves-it's actually quite common for an alcoholic to jump right in bed with someone else after claiming to love you. Doesn't make it easy, but know it is common-it allows them to focus on someone new and again, increas the denial and not look at themselves. I too turned into quite the monster myself until I found recovery a few years ago. Total work I'm progress, friend. Give yourself some grace. Feel what you feel. It will get better. Let his new enablers care for him and try to "help" him. He wants that bc he cannot or will not help himself. Peace to you
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:06 PM
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Tangled:

It sounds like he treated you rotten and was an unhealthy person to be married to.

When you are tempted to get pulled back into his web via his manipulations and play on your worry, remind yourself that you deserve to be treated well, not rotten, and you deserve to be exposed to things that are healthy, not unhealthy. Think about how important your own health is and put that first; keep it foremost for now until you've had time to recover from it all. It may take awhile before your sympathy can no longer be played on and tempted like that. If he keeps texting you late at night like that when you might be trying to sleep, I'd think about blocking his texts. You don't need that kind of stuff being thrown at you. It's disturbing to say the least. This may sound hard-hearted, but you've got to put yourself first for a change and you will be better for it.
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:11 PM
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And:

Don't pay any mind to whichever new gal he's got in his life. If he's deliberately dangling it in front of you, it's another manipulation and doesn't mean SQUAT

The better, mature, deep, abiding, fulfilling, healthy relationships are not show-off relationships people can't wait to tell their ex's about.
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Old 11-07-2015, 12:52 AM
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Thank you all so much for the responses. My head knows that he is trying to manipulate me but my heart breaks for him being what he is and for myself and dd that this is where we are now.

As for his new squeeze I have heard some wonderful things about her (coke head) to which he even admitted to me and much the same as himself where drink is concerned! She is also the complete opposite to the person I am!

Apparently he cannot find what he is looking for and can't be happy! I know not my problem anymore!

I know I am better off without him but I think I am pining for the old him and the person he used to be!

I will get there
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Old 11-07-2015, 06:06 AM
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Tangled....if he is the biologic father of your daughter.....I hope there is an order for child support.....the law says that he is obligated to support his child.....

Your sadness is understandable.....you are going to go through a grieving period....don't let it throw you!

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Old 11-07-2015, 07:38 AM
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Hi dandylion, yes he is her dad. We are actually in court on Monday for maintenance but it is on consent! He thinks he is superdad I'd say because of it but I had to make it legal and get the order as he is constantly hanging money over my head and threatening to stop paying for things if I don't play nice but at least this way he has to pay without the threats!

I really do feel like he has died. He has been gone 6 months now and I still feel terrible. Some days I'm fine and then it just hits me like a tonne of bricks I feel like I will never be right again and I'm really dreading Xmas this year. I'm sure he will be partying like a 17 year old though!!
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Old 11-07-2015, 07:51 AM
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Tangled....this is still pretty fresh, for you. You will grieve for a while longer.....
In the big picture of your life....look at this as short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
What do you want your life to look like in one year....3yrs.....5yrs.......
Write out some of you longer term goals and dreams....

***I think it is verrry important for you to make plans for Christmas, right NOW.....so that you aren't sitting in a puddle of tears on Christmas day.....
Maybe, start making some cheap handmade presents for other people and visit friends or family.....or, even visit someone who is lonely at this time of year.....
In other words...do Something.....you will be so glad that you did!

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