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Ready to Try Again

Old 11-06-2015, 10:28 AM
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Ready to Try Again

Okay, after several days of bad choices, I want to try recommitting. Today is the first time in several weeks that I have woken up with a hangover headache, and I realize that my "moderation" attempts were futile. My head hurts and I'm super thirsty. Comments I made on Facebook are returning to my memory, and some of them are kind of embarrassing.

In my head, I thought once I finished graduate school (which I did last week), then I would stop drinking. After all, it was the stress of graduate school and the influence from my classmates (who often went drinking after class or to celebrate completing a big test or research paper) that got me drinking in the first place two and a half years ago.

However, just because that's what got me started doesn't mean that the absence of it is enough to get me to stop. I see that now. The psychological issues that cause me to use alcohol as a crutch to cope with daily stress runs much deeper than the stress and worry of grades and career aspirations. There's so much more there that has been bubbling under my consciousness for probably most of my life.

You peel back that bandage, and there's terrible perfectionism-to the point of rendering me unable to make any move in my life for fear of failure. There's pain associated with my troubled relationship with my father, who I adore but who has nothing to do with me. There's my grief and trauma associated with the recent death of my friend's daughter. The reasons I drink are varied and all need to be addressed in counseling. I don't think I can get away with claiming it's because I'm stressed anymore. I'm not drinking to unwind- I'm drinking to not have to think or feel, and that's a deeper issue.

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Old 11-06-2015, 10:33 AM
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Yep, I did that too. You can unwind all of that, BellJar. Counseling is one way - I did a lot of different things, including writing about it in my journal and on here, and reading a lot. Recovery has to start with abstinence to be effective, I've found. Some of the problems disappeared entirely, and some of them I just made peace with.
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Old 11-06-2015, 10:38 AM
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Welcome back BellJar. I think pretty much all of us have underlying issues below our drinking. It's good to know what those issues are, but it's also easy to get caught up in trying to figure out WHY we drink. At the end of the day the first step in solving any of the issues is to stop drinking. Once that's done you can begin to deal with the other things, but as long as you keep drinking none of them will ever get better. In fact most of them will get worse because you are simply pushing them off and not dealing with them. Alcohol is not a "coping" strategy - it is an escape attempt...but it always fails.

You mention counseling...is that something you currently participate in or something you plan on starting? I'd recommend it if you have access.
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Old 11-06-2015, 10:50 AM
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I've received counseling in the past to deal with anxiety and depression (which I've always struggled with), but I'm not currently seeing anyone. I probably need to get back into counseling though. I also like the idea of journaling- I used to journal every single night for years. I have big storage boxes full of journals I wrote, but I haven't written in years. I also like the idea of coming here to sort through some of my junk. Journaling is nice, but putting your thoughts out there for others to see is also very helpful. Thanks for the support.

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Old 11-06-2015, 11:21 AM
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Welcome back BellJar!! You can do this!!
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:34 AM
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I wrote about a lot of my family issues here on this site. It helps to put it out there - all those floaty thoughts become much clearer when I write/type them out.

I never did paper journals, but I've got hundreds of digital pages. Well, I did; as computers crash, so do those old journals. Just as well - they are pretty disturbing to reread.
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:42 AM
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Welcome bk Belljar
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Old 11-06-2015, 02:09 PM
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It's good to see you back BellJar

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Old 11-06-2015, 02:36 PM
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We're with you, BellJar. Counseling sounds like a good idea. I'm glad you decided to recommit.
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Old 11-06-2015, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by BellJar7 View Post

You peel back that bandage, and there's terrible perfectionism-to the point of rendering me unable to make any move in my life for fear of failure. There's pain associated with my troubled relationship with my father, who I adore but who has nothing to do with me. There's my grief and trauma associated with the recent death of my friend's daughter. The reasons I drink are varied and all need to be addressed in counseling. I don't think I can get away with claiming it's because I'm stressed anymore. I'm not drinking to unwind- I'm drinking to not have to think or feel, and that's a deeper issue.

BellJar
Welcome back and nice to meet you.

It didn't take my counselor very long to nail the perfectionism issue with me.

I'd known I was one for most of my life. Family and friends had commented on it, etc...and I was aware of it. But I didn't really see it as a problem. In fact, I had always felt it was an asset that drove me to excel in life and I have been rewarded at times by things I have perfected. *sigh*

But being a perfectionist can also rob a person from engaging. We tend to have a mindset of, "If it's not going to be perfect, bag it!" If I am not in decent shape why bother going to the gym. If I feel 'fat', I'll just stay home. If I am not at my best, don't show up." Can't play the perfect guitar break? Nix it." And on and on it goes until you have "opted' yourself out of things that will help you grow.

Perfectionism can cause a person to sort of 'freeze.'

It can also drive a person to want to numb theirself to all that is not perfect...which is a lot of things and people in this world...
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Old 11-06-2015, 04:41 PM
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Bell Jar, my perfectionism turned me into a control-freak and eventually brought me to my knees. It's been a long journey to let go of everything I couldn't control, which is pretty much everything and accepting that I am, indeed, a flawed human. Recovery will bring you all kinds of rewards.
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Old 11-06-2015, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 View Post

But being a perfectionist can also rob a person from engaging. We tend to have a mindset of, "If it's not going to be perfect, bag it!" If I am not in decent shape why bother going to the gym. If I feel 'fat', I'll just stay home. If I am not at my best, don't show up." Can't play the perfect guitar break? Nix it." And on and on it goes until you have "opted' yourself out of things that will help you grow.

Perfectionism can cause a person to sort of 'freeze.'

It can also drive a person to want to numb theirself to all that is not perfect...which is a lot of things and people in this world...
Wow, how true is this. That's exactly what it is- it's debilitating. It's not cutesie like people think. Perfectionism isn't the prissy girl on the sitcom who hates it when her nails break or who cries over an A-. Actual perfectionism is the root of a lot of debilitating disorders- including addiction, hoarding disorder, anorexia/bulimia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, among others.

It's being so paralyzed by anxiety and fear that you don't even want to START something. "I might fail, so I never started college." "I might embarrass myself, so I never went to prom." "I don't think I'm very athletic, so I never tried out for the team."

In my case- I don't know that my book is good enough, so I've never sought publication. But I hate myself for not being published yet, which is a lifelong goal of mine. Even THINKING of a goal or an idea exhausts me, because it sends all of my mental energy into a tailspin. It's also the reason I've started so many projects in my life but haven't completed many of them. I lack intrinsic motivation and worry more about pleasing others than doing things for myself or just for the satisfaction of success. And my measure of success is no where near a normal person's measure of success.

I'm always chasing something, starting something, dreaming of something, running to something, but never finishing, completing, or arriving.
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:52 PM
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One of the first things I thought of when I wrote that post is how much perfectionism plays into eating disorders...and how perfectionism can easily tie into body image. Part of the problem is intrinsic...but I also think part of the problem is messages (even the subliminal ones) that tell us we have to be ___________ (perfect) in appearance...and for many women that translates into they need to look like a cover girl or super model. There is this big push to have the perfect body, the perfect size __ and/or fit into that perfect outfit and have the type of body that could be seen in the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. I'm not knocking people who DO look that way,but for most folks they can end up on a never ending quest to "arrive" at some dream "look" while missing some of the wonderful "inner work" that could be going on all along. Some people will only take certain things "on" if they know they can do it perfectly or at least to a certain standard of "elite". I have found myself in that mindset too at times...

Anyways, as it relates to anorexia/bulemia: These eating disorders are also about control. And I think part of being a perfectionist is needing to have some control.
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Old 11-07-2015, 12:05 AM
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Another thing that may not help a recovering perfectionist is comparing yourself to others....and thinking: "Oh I wish I was skinny like her and could look so cute and good in clothes like that." Or "I wish I had the perfect house like her". Or, "I wish I could pull off the perfect dinner party like she does." Or, "I wish I had as much money as them" Or, "I wish I drove a car like that!". And the list goes on. I'm not saying friendly competition has no place in society...sometimes other people can INSPIRE us! But, rather than just be inspired by a wonderful quality in someone else, we can sort of take on some unrealistic expectations for ourselves. We may NEVER have the perfect house, for example, and THAT'S OKAY! We may never be what is considered skinny and that's okay as long as we are healthy! We may never make as much money as so and so, but we can still be just as happy and possibly happier.

My counselor quoted one source that said perfectionism is like slow suicide. I didn't agree with that at first and still not sure I do...I'm thinking about it....is it REALLy like slow suicide? hmmmmm. I don't know...
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Old 11-07-2015, 08:43 AM
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I definitely think you're right. I'm not one to keep up with the Joneses, but I'm definitely playing for someone. I don't know if it's for my parents' approval (even at 30 years old), or for society's approval, or what, but I'm still not satisfied with my own accomplishments. I feel lost. I just finished graduate school obtaining a degree I thought I wanted, but once I reached the end, I was so burned out by tests and internships and long hours and not getting to see my own kids, I don't even know anymore that I want to be a counselor. I love the idea of helping people, and it did bring me a great deal of satisfaction, but I have young children at home who are only getting older, and I don't want to miss them.

I don't know. I don't know what I want or why I look around at my peers and they are all either on the road towards "arriving" or have already arrived where they want to be, but I still feel lost. It makes me so mad at myself, and that's another thing that drives my desire to drink- anger at me. Everyone has sob stories and I could just as easily say "I drink because my dad had an affair when I was young," but that's crap. The truth is, I'm more angry with myself than anyone else in my life. And maybe that all links back to the perfectionism too- what drives me?

Man, this thread got very existential. Ha! Sorry for rambling. As my brain clears out of the fog, the thoughts get deeper and not so fun.
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