when will it end
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 15
when will it end
I have been reading posts on this site for a while now and finally have the courage to post. I firstly want to say that I admire anyone that can come back from the brink of alcohol however sadly my father is a chronic alcoholic, he's 65 and been an excessive drinker since his tennage years.
Over the past 6 years he has suffered a major heart attack and more than 10 seizures that have caused him to be admitted to hospital. However over the past few months his drinking has got excessively worse..he is drinking a full bottle of vodka before 12pm and sadly the day he met my daughter (his first granddaughter)he left my house to buy a bottle and hid it under my sofa ..safe to say I haven't seen him since this incident as I was disgusted he would do that on the day he met his granddaughter. I completely understand this is an evil disease but I couldn't have him around my new baby whilst he was drunk.
My mum is beyond worry and has stopped eating because she is living on her nerves.the amount of times she has come home to him having a seizure or fallen over is in double figures.
He is in complete denial that all his symptoms are drink related and he swears by the fact he has vertigo!
His symptoms when he doesn't drink for more than 2 hours are: excessive sweating, nausea, dizziness, shaking, pale skin.
He is constantly confused and has no idea what day it is most of the time. He is collapsing on a weekly basis. I have seen him before on an eveing and he is Sat in his chair slipping in and out of concienceness.
I want to know how much longer he really can go on like this. I'm currently seeing a councillor and on anti depressants because of the stress this has caused me for the past 6 years, I had my daughter 5 months ago and I constantly live with stomach ache and feel sick because of the emotional distress it is causing me and my mum, I should be loving my new life as a mum but since I had my daughter it has made him worse. He will never accept help as he is in complete denial .But I honestly don't know when this nightmare is going to end. Every day my mum goes home she walks in the house wondering if he's collapsed for the final time. She is frightened so much she has asked him to leave but he refuses.
My dad was such an amazing man when I was little and looking at him now...he has no spirit..looking at him I just see emptiness.I've helped him so much and been the parent in this relationship for more years than I can remember. How long can his body put up with this abuse, he's drinking 3 bottles of vodka a day as well as 5-6 cans of beer. He eats soup once a day..I'm guessing because his pancreas has been that abused he has stomach ache.
All he does all day is drink and then sleep most of the day. I feel like I should talk to him to tell him why I haven't seen him for 2 months...almost like I need closure but I really don't want to see him. How long can he go on and what could my mum do to get him out the house? Can she go to the council etc?
Any replies will be greatly appreciated
Thank you
Over the past 6 years he has suffered a major heart attack and more than 10 seizures that have caused him to be admitted to hospital. However over the past few months his drinking has got excessively worse..he is drinking a full bottle of vodka before 12pm and sadly the day he met my daughter (his first granddaughter)he left my house to buy a bottle and hid it under my sofa ..safe to say I haven't seen him since this incident as I was disgusted he would do that on the day he met his granddaughter. I completely understand this is an evil disease but I couldn't have him around my new baby whilst he was drunk.
My mum is beyond worry and has stopped eating because she is living on her nerves.the amount of times she has come home to him having a seizure or fallen over is in double figures.
He is in complete denial that all his symptoms are drink related and he swears by the fact he has vertigo!
His symptoms when he doesn't drink for more than 2 hours are: excessive sweating, nausea, dizziness, shaking, pale skin.
He is constantly confused and has no idea what day it is most of the time. He is collapsing on a weekly basis. I have seen him before on an eveing and he is Sat in his chair slipping in and out of concienceness.
I want to know how much longer he really can go on like this. I'm currently seeing a councillor and on anti depressants because of the stress this has caused me for the past 6 years, I had my daughter 5 months ago and I constantly live with stomach ache and feel sick because of the emotional distress it is causing me and my mum, I should be loving my new life as a mum but since I had my daughter it has made him worse. He will never accept help as he is in complete denial .But I honestly don't know when this nightmare is going to end. Every day my mum goes home she walks in the house wondering if he's collapsed for the final time. She is frightened so much she has asked him to leave but he refuses.
My dad was such an amazing man when I was little and looking at him now...he has no spirit..looking at him I just see emptiness.I've helped him so much and been the parent in this relationship for more years than I can remember. How long can his body put up with this abuse, he's drinking 3 bottles of vodka a day as well as 5-6 cans of beer. He eats soup once a day..I'm guessing because his pancreas has been that abused he has stomach ache.
All he does all day is drink and then sleep most of the day. I feel like I should talk to him to tell him why I haven't seen him for 2 months...almost like I need closure but I really don't want to see him. How long can he go on and what could my mum do to get him out the house? Can she go to the council etc?
Any replies will be greatly appreciated
Thank you
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. Sorry all of you are having to deal with this.
Nobody can say (other than perhaps a doctor who has done a thorough examination) how long he might have. It's amazing what some people's bodies will endure.
Your mom should talk to a lawyer/solicitor about her options. I don't know the law where you live. It may be that if he is not competent to care for himself that he could be involuntarily committed. I don't know, and neither do you (or she) until you start trying to find out.
Meantime, both you and your mum would greatly benefit from Al-Anon. It is a great way to tone down the stress in your life. You can't force him to get sober, but you can make your own lives a little more calm.
Nobody can say (other than perhaps a doctor who has done a thorough examination) how long he might have. It's amazing what some people's bodies will endure.
Your mom should talk to a lawyer/solicitor about her options. I don't know the law where you live. It may be that if he is not competent to care for himself that he could be involuntarily committed. I don't know, and neither do you (or she) until you start trying to find out.
Meantime, both you and your mum would greatly benefit from Al-Anon. It is a great way to tone down the stress in your life. You can't force him to get sober, but you can make your own lives a little more calm.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Welcome and so sorry for what you are going through. Sadly alcoholism is a disease of the family if we allow it to be. I also cannot advise as to the laws where you are it appears you are UK or AU from your vocabulary.
When a situation is this toxic the only thing to do is detach and get away from it. It sounds like you have done that. Your mom has not. She does not have to be subjected to this; however, it would mean that in all likelihood she would have to for the time being find alternative housing and leave your father to his own devices. Whether she would do that don't know. You could offer her support in the way of letting her know it's ok to do that. Often times the spouse won't "abandon" the alcoholic because they fear what will happen to them if they leave. It's very codependent thinking and I am sure she enables him. Yes please get to AlAnin as Lexue has suggested and encourage mom to go too.
As for yiur father's physical situation, It sounds pretty bad. Lexie is also correct in that some people seem to defy the laws of nature. Without having been looked over by a doctor, and medical testing, there is simply no way to pinpoint what is happening. Alcoholism can be terminal my Uncle died of it, I see people in here al too often reporting a loss. It sounds as if you are accepting that is where this is headed just wondering how long it will take. Nobody could estimate that but a doctor.
Your mom should go see a solicitor promptly. She needs to protect her assets whether she chooses to leave or not.
So sorry you are going through all this. There is help available for both of you.
When a situation is this toxic the only thing to do is detach and get away from it. It sounds like you have done that. Your mom has not. She does not have to be subjected to this; however, it would mean that in all likelihood she would have to for the time being find alternative housing and leave your father to his own devices. Whether she would do that don't know. You could offer her support in the way of letting her know it's ok to do that. Often times the spouse won't "abandon" the alcoholic because they fear what will happen to them if they leave. It's very codependent thinking and I am sure she enables him. Yes please get to AlAnin as Lexue has suggested and encourage mom to go too.
As for yiur father's physical situation, It sounds pretty bad. Lexie is also correct in that some people seem to defy the laws of nature. Without having been looked over by a doctor, and medical testing, there is simply no way to pinpoint what is happening. Alcoholism can be terminal my Uncle died of it, I see people in here al too often reporting a loss. It sounds as if you are accepting that is where this is headed just wondering how long it will take. Nobody could estimate that but a doctor.
Your mom should go see a solicitor promptly. She needs to protect her assets whether she chooses to leave or not.
So sorry you are going through all this. There is help available for both of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Welcome and so sorry for what you are going through. Sadly alcoholism is a disease of the family if we allow it to be. I also cannot advise as to the laws where you are it appears you are UK or AU from your vocabulary.
When a situation is this toxic the only thing to do is detach and get away from it. It sounds like you have done that. Your mom has not. She does not have to be subjected to this; however, it would mean that in all likelihood she would have to for the time being find alternative housing and leave your father to his own devices. Whether she would do that don't know. You could offer her support in the way of letting her know it's ok to do that. Often times the spouse won't "abandon" the alcoholic because they fear what will happen to them if they leave. It's very codependent thinking and I am sure she enables him. Yes please get to AlAnin as Lexue has suggested and encourage mom to go too.
As for yiur father's physical situation, It sounds pretty bad. Lexie is also correct in that some people seem to defy the laws of nature. Without having been looked over by a doctor, and medical testing, there is simply no way to pinpoint what is happening. Alcoholism can be terminal my Uncle died of it, I see people in here al too often reporting a loss. It sounds as if you are accepting that is where this is headed just wondering how long it will take. Nobody could estimate that but a doctor.
Your mom should go see a solicitor promptly. She needs to protect her assets whether she chooses to leave or not.
So sorry you are going through all this. There is help available for both of you.
When a situation is this toxic the only thing to do is detach and get away from it. It sounds like you have done that. Your mom has not. She does not have to be subjected to this; however, it would mean that in all likelihood she would have to for the time being find alternative housing and leave your father to his own devices. Whether she would do that don't know. You could offer her support in the way of letting her know it's ok to do that. Often times the spouse won't "abandon" the alcoholic because they fear what will happen to them if they leave. It's very codependent thinking and I am sure she enables him. Yes please get to AlAnin as Lexue has suggested and encourage mom to go too.
As for yiur father's physical situation, It sounds pretty bad. Lexie is also correct in that some people seem to defy the laws of nature. Without having been looked over by a doctor, and medical testing, there is simply no way to pinpoint what is happening. Alcoholism can be terminal my Uncle died of it, I see people in here al too often reporting a loss. It sounds as if you are accepting that is where this is headed just wondering how long it will take. Nobody could estimate that but a doctor.
Your mom should go see a solicitor promptly. She needs to protect her assets whether she chooses to leave or not.
So sorry you are going through all this. There is help available for both of you.
There isn't any al anon around where I live and having a baby I couldn't travel far . Thanku again. X
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by bambi2489
Thank you for your comments, sadly my mum owns the house so she can't leave it that's why she keeps asking him to leave, he doesn't own it and won't pay her money for the bills etc.I'm in the UK.. She's seen a solicitor about a divorce so she can evict him but it's likely my dad will get 50% of her pension which is bang out of order so she doesn't want to go through with it, she's completely stuck in a rut and I'm worried for safety and health. I'm honestly that depressed about everything I can't enjoy my time with my beautiful little girl whose 5 months. I feel emotionally drained and mentally exhausted because all I think about is what's going to happen to him next. Thank you both of you for your replies.
There isn't any al anon around where I live and having a baby I couldn't travel far . Thanku again. X
There isn't any al anon around where I live and having a baby I couldn't travel far . Thanku again. X
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
I'm so sorry for what you and your mom are going through.
I don't have a lot of advice but wanted to say there are online al anon meetings. I know you said you see a counselor. Does your counselor have experience with addiction? I found it very helpful to talk with someone who specialized in addiction.
I hope you and your mom can find some serenity.
I don't have a lot of advice but wanted to say there are online al anon meetings. I know you said you see a counselor. Does your counselor have experience with addiction? I found it very helpful to talk with someone who specialized in addiction.
I hope you and your mom can find some serenity.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You need to detach yourself from his drinking as you will never stop him but you can be happy even if he's not. Your dad can change if he wants to but if he doesnt, that's his choice. His body will eventually give out. When it will happen is beyond us and could take an unbelievable amount of time to actually happen. Some people pass in their 40's n others could be well into their 80's. We are nobody to guess.
I can tell you that my husband is proof that you can go to the edge of the world n turn around many times over cheating the Grim Reaper.
My best advice to you is to cut him off and enjoy that baby girl of yours. Don't blink... she'll be in kindergarten soon!
I can tell you that my husband is proof that you can go to the edge of the world n turn around many times over cheating the Grim Reaper.
My best advice to you is to cut him off and enjoy that baby girl of yours. Don't blink... she'll be in kindergarten soon!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 15
Thankyou all for your messages, it is much appreciated. My councillor is not specialised in addiction I may look into this. I will also look at the online al-anon meetings. That would be much more helpful. Sadly my mum cannot move as she barely has any money and she would easily loose her house if she left it to my dad as he spends all his pension on the vodka. I only live in a two bedroom tiny cottage and with my husband , my daughter , two dogs and me sadly we are already squished as hell .She doesn't drive either and I live out in the countryside so sadly she couldn't move. I know she wouldn't anyway..she has the mentality of 'it's my house iI'm not going anywhere' which I know isn't the best way to look at it but I understand she doesn't want to be driven out by him when it's her house.
Thank you again all x
Thank you again all x
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
I'm sorry to hear all this. I find the serenity prayer to be helpful. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You may not want to hear this, but this applies to your mother's situation also. It sounds like she is living in a codependent relationship, and is choosing to stay because it is the most convenient option. You can't change the path that your mother is choosing, and if you can accept that and begin to detach from the whole situation, you may find yourself some relief. Find your own path. That is the one thing you can control. And I hope you find an online meeting. It will help!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I hope you will look into Al Anon online.
I understand the predicament. One of the sayings around here is nothing changes if nothing changes. Often times spouses or partners "jail" themselves into situations they don't want to be in because they feel they have no alternatives. Sadly, sometimes the alternatives don't fit into what we feel is right. Right would be that your dad leave, your mom keep her pension and her home.
So as you say she won't divorce because he will get half her pension (though this seems odd to me since he has one himself). She won't leave the house because she owns it. She is distraught and miserable. You are worried and distraught. If your mom is determined to stay in the home then she needs to find a way to detach from your father, and leave him to his own devices while she pursues some semblance of a life that is not ruled by his alcoholism. Have you suggested that she get herself a therapist that specializes in addiction? Perhaps Al Anon meeting would be closer to her.
One of the boundaries you could implement for you and your mom is limiting discussion about your dad. I have a feeling that there is a lot of conversation concerning him. You should stop this if its what's happening. This would be healthy for both of you. In truth its probably just a replay everyday of the same thing. No bueno. You have this wonderful new child that seem like you are so burdened by your parents situation you aren't getting the full enjoyment of motherhood.
Your dad is hellbent on walking his path and your mom needs to find a way to let go and let him do his thing (Because he is going to anyway and that's key here, she can't stop it, control it, or cure it). I imagine her day is limited to fearing to leave him alone and such. There are ways to get over this.
Another suggestion for you both would be to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie.
Wishing you a peaceful day today.
I understand the predicament. One of the sayings around here is nothing changes if nothing changes. Often times spouses or partners "jail" themselves into situations they don't want to be in because they feel they have no alternatives. Sadly, sometimes the alternatives don't fit into what we feel is right. Right would be that your dad leave, your mom keep her pension and her home.
So as you say she won't divorce because he will get half her pension (though this seems odd to me since he has one himself). She won't leave the house because she owns it. She is distraught and miserable. You are worried and distraught. If your mom is determined to stay in the home then she needs to find a way to detach from your father, and leave him to his own devices while she pursues some semblance of a life that is not ruled by his alcoholism. Have you suggested that she get herself a therapist that specializes in addiction? Perhaps Al Anon meeting would be closer to her.
One of the boundaries you could implement for you and your mom is limiting discussion about your dad. I have a feeling that there is a lot of conversation concerning him. You should stop this if its what's happening. This would be healthy for both of you. In truth its probably just a replay everyday of the same thing. No bueno. You have this wonderful new child that seem like you are so burdened by your parents situation you aren't getting the full enjoyment of motherhood.
Your dad is hellbent on walking his path and your mom needs to find a way to let go and let him do his thing (Because he is going to anyway and that's key here, she can't stop it, control it, or cure it). I imagine her day is limited to fearing to leave him alone and such. There are ways to get over this.
Another suggestion for you both would be to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie.
Wishing you a peaceful day today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 15
it gets worse
So my councillor tells me to try and detach...which is easier said than done. Then tonight my mum rings and tells me she can't cope anymore, my dad's smashed up his face and he doesn't know how or when.. and she doesn't know what to do. She tells me she doesn't want to worry me as she knows it is causing my depression but id rather her speak to me and get it off her chest than cry herself to sleep at night. She's making a doctor's appointment to speak to someone about it next week and I'm going with her. Is there anyway me and my mum can set up an intervention for my dad. He is becoming a danger to himself. I'm worried he's going to set the house on fire as he smokes in the house and if he's falling over more often he's going to do some serious damage. This disease is awful and he needs help but he refuses it profusely. Is there anyway we can get him sectioned or something without his consent. This is going to end badly.thank you
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your next step after consulting a doctor should be consulting a lawyer. He or she can give your mom advice about what she might be able to do. Try to find someone who practices elder law (even if your dad isn't elderly, there may be similar issues), or mental health law.
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