DjSmithsfsd

Yesterday, I was feeling empowered and resolved. Today, I'm grieving. Grieving for my marriage that I'm most likely losing. I'm trying to detach, but I'm missing my husband... The man he used to be. But he isn't that man anymore. He is now my AH. He hasn't spoken to me. Not one word since I told him that I will be separating our finances. I went to a meeting last night, and when I got home, I saw he had drank half a gallon of vodka throughout the day. There it is again; I'm keeping track. I need to not do that. I know that he thinks I'm playing a game, and his way of "playing" is to not speak to me. He wants me to beg for him to communicate with me, he wants me to be that enabling victim that I always used to be. And it's tempting, because I miss what we used to be. But if I do that, it will never be what we used to be. I know that. Today, I miss it, though. I just wish he would wake up and realize what he is doing. But this is the path he is choosing, and that is his choice. I do not walk the same path. I need to find my "higher power". I've been an atheist my whole life, so I'm struggling with what that looks like. But I know I'm not in control of his life. Grant me the serenity. I'm just feeling a bit lost today. I will be going to another meeting tonight.

SparkleKitty

Hugs, Dj. Acceptance is really hard. I am glad you are going to another meeting tonight, and glad you're posting. Your head is in a really healthy place right now. It usually takes the heart awhile to catch up.

minime13

Today, your higher power can be your own body. Your body is such a powerful thing - it tells you what's wrong and what needs attention. It signals hurt and pain because of a need. Today, you need to process these feelings as a step toward healing yourself.

Unconscious or subconcious thoughts that emerge are thoughts and emotions that your body is telling you to sort through and come to terms with - then release. These aren't keeping you from detaching, but are helping you move through detachment. When we have the strength and willpower to listen to our bodies and minds in this way, then we already have taken a few steps in the right direction.

There will be up and down days - one day, you can conquer the world and feel that the worst is all behind you. The next, such as today for you, can make you feel that you've sunk right back to the beginning. You haven't, but you've just hit another circumstance that you need to rationalize, accept and let go of. It evens out, and gets easier.

DjSmithsfsd

I like that. Making my body my higher power. And that feeds into taking better care of myself. I've been working really hard to walk and get moving, and eat smarter. Some days it's hard, and I want to eat my emotions, but thinking about listening to my body and my heart and my mind as my higher power makes it easier to make good choices for myself. Thank you for that.

Millpond

I think a meeting is a great idea. When I go to meetings, I find the world starts to make sense to me again. When I was living with an AH, my thinking was so mixed up and I was always in a state of panic. But I'd go to a meeting, and it would shore my thoughts in, and that was a "higher power", the format of an Al-Anon meeting and the plain good sense in the materials. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable." I'd hear that and my brain would start working again.

I think alcoholics always resent anyone who tries to come between them and their overwhelming compulsion to drink. So they find ways to break down the person who is in the way. You are experiencing the silent treatment, which is a form of power and domination. But it's really about trying to get you back in line and enabling again, just as you said.

My AH did not deliver the silent treatment. But I was still dominated by him, simply by my fear of when he would drink next and what he would do while he was drunk. So I was controlled by alcohol just as he was.

I hope your meeting helps you find some calm.

redatlanta

Your higher power is all around you - nature. Take a look outside. Storms, wind, rain, sun, the moon - its all energy and we are all part of it. Its much bigger than we are and far more powerful than we will ever be. I think people get hung up on naming it, it needs no name.

Taking great care of yourself is wonderful!

Hangnbyathread

Exactly. Your higher power is just that......YOURS. There is nothing wrong with being Atheist and still know that there are forces of nature and circumstance that can be responsible for something that isn't yours to control.

God didn't break this and doesn't need to be what fixes it.