Help: Mom's Boyfriend is an Alcoholic
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Help: Mom's Boyfriend is an Alcoholic
Hi all,
I need some advice. My dad passed away 4 years ago and my mom went into a deep depression during that entire time, until she reconnected with a childhood friend in March and they've been dating ever since (they're both in their 60's). He's a very nice man, and I haven't seen my mother this happy in years, but he's an alcoholic. I've tried to delicately discuss this with my mother, but she doesn't seem to see what my boyfriend and I see (more likely, she chooses not to see it).
At first, I tried to brush it off as two retired adults having a fun time together, but it's becoming more and more difficult to ignore. As an example of his frequent behavior, last night was her birthday and we chose to celebrate at our favorite swanky restaurant; when they arrived, they were both drunk because they had spent the day celebrating. Although this was a rare form for my mother, it is common for him. In this quiet, fancy restaurant, he was loud and making crude jokes that everyone around us could hear (when my boyfriend returned from the bathroom, he loudly asked "What'd ya do, drop a deuce?!"). Drinks were spilled, food was spilled, tables near us seemed bothered, and I was humiliated... to say the least. On top of whatever they had drank earlier, he ordered an additional SIX drinks while at dinner (my mom only had water at this point). When we left for the night, I saw that he had parked his car crookedly across two spots... indicating his inability to see straight while he had been driving with my mother in the passenger seat. His behavior last night was not uncommon, but jeopardizing her safety was the final straw for me.
This needs to be addressed immediately, but I don't know how to do it without risking my mother's happiness. She said it was the best birthday she's had in years (admittedly, he is very fun to be around if you ignore his drinking problem), and if I address it now she'll know it was about last night and feel embarrassed and regretful. If I speak with him privately, it probably wouldn't change anything and I know he will let it slip to my mother that I had a talk with him, and again create the risk of hurting her. Also, if I did speak with him, what would I say? Never drink again? Don't drink with my mom? Only drink at home? His personality changes with even one drink, so saying "limit yourself" probably wouldn't help.
My biggest concern here is my mother's safety and happiness, but I can't seem to address both... I feel like I have to choose one over the other. Her safety is more important, but I can't see her fall back into the depression she was in for all those years when she barely left her bed. Now she gets up every day, gets dressed, goes out, goes to parties, has a wider circle of friends, is travelling, etc. She's glowing. If I create an issue over his alcoholism, she will withdraw from him and become depressed again.
Please help. Her safety is my biggest concern, but her happiness is hugely important as well. How do I address this with minimal risk of hurting my mom?
I need some advice. My dad passed away 4 years ago and my mom went into a deep depression during that entire time, until she reconnected with a childhood friend in March and they've been dating ever since (they're both in their 60's). He's a very nice man, and I haven't seen my mother this happy in years, but he's an alcoholic. I've tried to delicately discuss this with my mother, but she doesn't seem to see what my boyfriend and I see (more likely, she chooses not to see it).
At first, I tried to brush it off as two retired adults having a fun time together, but it's becoming more and more difficult to ignore. As an example of his frequent behavior, last night was her birthday and we chose to celebrate at our favorite swanky restaurant; when they arrived, they were both drunk because they had spent the day celebrating. Although this was a rare form for my mother, it is common for him. In this quiet, fancy restaurant, he was loud and making crude jokes that everyone around us could hear (when my boyfriend returned from the bathroom, he loudly asked "What'd ya do, drop a deuce?!"). Drinks were spilled, food was spilled, tables near us seemed bothered, and I was humiliated... to say the least. On top of whatever they had drank earlier, he ordered an additional SIX drinks while at dinner (my mom only had water at this point). When we left for the night, I saw that he had parked his car crookedly across two spots... indicating his inability to see straight while he had been driving with my mother in the passenger seat. His behavior last night was not uncommon, but jeopardizing her safety was the final straw for me.
This needs to be addressed immediately, but I don't know how to do it without risking my mother's happiness. She said it was the best birthday she's had in years (admittedly, he is very fun to be around if you ignore his drinking problem), and if I address it now she'll know it was about last night and feel embarrassed and regretful. If I speak with him privately, it probably wouldn't change anything and I know he will let it slip to my mother that I had a talk with him, and again create the risk of hurting her. Also, if I did speak with him, what would I say? Never drink again? Don't drink with my mom? Only drink at home? His personality changes with even one drink, so saying "limit yourself" probably wouldn't help.
My biggest concern here is my mother's safety and happiness, but I can't seem to address both... I feel like I have to choose one over the other. Her safety is more important, but I can't see her fall back into the depression she was in for all those years when she barely left her bed. Now she gets up every day, gets dressed, goes out, goes to parties, has a wider circle of friends, is travelling, etc. She's glowing. If I create an issue over his alcoholism, she will withdraw from him and become depressed again.
Please help. Her safety is my biggest concern, but her happiness is hugely important as well. How do I address this with minimal risk of hurting my mom?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
You are making a lot of assumptions. Your mother is not blind to what is going on. She just doesn't care. You can express your concerns but you have no right to tell him how to behave nor do you have a right to tell your mother who she can be involved with.
That being said you don't need to be a witness. You are within your rights to say you won't be around if he is drinking. Then your mom can decide how she wants to deal with things.
That being said you don't need to be a witness. You are within your rights to say you won't be around if he is drinking. Then your mom can decide how she wants to deal with things.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
I would suggest mentioning to your mother that you are concerned about him driving her around when she is drinking.
Outside of that, I'm not sure it's your place to say anything. They're both adults.
Outside of that, I'm not sure it's your place to say anything. They're both adults.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation.
Unfortunately, there are no magic words anyone can share with you about making someone else either stop drinking, or stop seeing someone who is drinking.
Your mother is an adult, you have already attempted to discuss this with her, and she has chosen to stay in the relationship, despite the fact that you want her to be as concerned with her safety as you are. She simply has to be allowed to make her own choices and decisions. There are consequences to those decisions, and she further needs to be allowed to choose how to deal with those consequences.
The only thing you can control here is you. I, for one, would not be having dinner with them again any time soon, not under any circumstances, even if it was everyone's birthday. Carrying on and pretending that that kind of behavior is acceptable to you only reinforces that they can do whatever they want and they won't have to deal with what it costs them. Next time, take a pass. Letting go of taking care of someone can be very painful, but eventually we realize that we never had the kind of control over what happened to them that we thought we did.
I hope you stick around and keep reading. There's a lot about dealing with alcoholics and people in denial that is counter-intuitive and uncomfortable. There is a lot of information and experience in this forum that at the very least, can help you feel less alone.
Unfortunately, there are no magic words anyone can share with you about making someone else either stop drinking, or stop seeing someone who is drinking.
Your mother is an adult, you have already attempted to discuss this with her, and she has chosen to stay in the relationship, despite the fact that you want her to be as concerned with her safety as you are. She simply has to be allowed to make her own choices and decisions. There are consequences to those decisions, and she further needs to be allowed to choose how to deal with those consequences.
The only thing you can control here is you. I, for one, would not be having dinner with them again any time soon, not under any circumstances, even if it was everyone's birthday. Carrying on and pretending that that kind of behavior is acceptable to you only reinforces that they can do whatever they want and they won't have to deal with what it costs them. Next time, take a pass. Letting go of taking care of someone can be very painful, but eventually we realize that we never had the kind of control over what happened to them that we thought we did.
I hope you stick around and keep reading. There's a lot about dealing with alcoholics and people in denial that is counter-intuitive and uncomfortable. There is a lot of information and experience in this forum that at the very least, can help you feel less alone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your mom is an adult--she just celebrated another birthday.
I think you can certainly express your concern for her safety, and if you know he's driving drunk (whether she's in the car or not), you can call the cops on him. It might save someone's life.
But unless she is mentally incompetent, she has the right to make her own choices--however bad they may be.
You can educate yourself about alcoholism and let her know that if SHE needs help, you are there for her. Apart from that I don't see that there's a lot you can do. It doesn't seem like he's ready to quit.
I get it--how your mom feels. I felt the same way when I met my second husband, who was alcoholic from the minute we met (and I had already experienced an alcoholic relationship--my first husband was an alcoholic when we met but he got sober and stayed that way). My second husband was so much FUN and made me feel so ALIVE. Of course, things got bad when he wound up in the hospital almost dying of liver failure. I married him thinking that was the end of his drinking, but I left him a few months later when he went back to it.
So it may not stay as rosy as it is right now. For right now, though, it sounds as if she doesn't see a problem. Express your concern, but I don't see that there's much else you can do.
I think you can certainly express your concern for her safety, and if you know he's driving drunk (whether she's in the car or not), you can call the cops on him. It might save someone's life.
But unless she is mentally incompetent, she has the right to make her own choices--however bad they may be.
You can educate yourself about alcoholism and let her know that if SHE needs help, you are there for her. Apart from that I don't see that there's a lot you can do. It doesn't seem like he's ready to quit.
I get it--how your mom feels. I felt the same way when I met my second husband, who was alcoholic from the minute we met (and I had already experienced an alcoholic relationship--my first husband was an alcoholic when we met but he got sober and stayed that way). My second husband was so much FUN and made me feel so ALIVE. Of course, things got bad when he wound up in the hospital almost dying of liver failure. I married him thinking that was the end of his drinking, but I left him a few months later when he went back to it.
So it may not stay as rosy as it is right now. For right now, though, it sounds as if she doesn't see a problem. Express your concern, but I don't see that there's much else you can do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My parents are in their 60s. My mom is an alcoholic and my father is a heavy drinking enabler. I have tried and said everything you can imagine to try to talk sense to at least one of them about the situation. Honestly, I am sometimes more frustrated with my father, the enabler, for being so steeped in denial as my mother is so far into her addiction, common sense does not seem possible. Bottom line, as much as it hurts, they are adults and they have every right to live their lives as they see fit. Whatever payoffs they are each getting out of the situation, at this point, seems to outweigh all of the negative outcomes. You will probably have to learn one of the hardest life lessons anyone has to learn (at least it is for me) and that is detachment. Sending you hugs . . . .
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CentMaxx.......I am a little more l eft of center in my feeling about this. I believe that you have a right to express yourself to your mother.......and, of course, she has a right to choose how she responds to it. You are family, after all and I don't know of any thing that says that you can't be open and honest about something as serious as this.....especially where safety is involved (same with any abuse).
She might get "mad".....but, nobody ever died from getting mad. she can stay mad until she gets glad (and she will, eventually).
I can think of two things that you can do.....You can inform the police of his car description and license plate and his driving times and locations.
You can also underline your concern and your own boundaries of letting her know that you will not be socializing with them any more if he is drinking. As a mother---she may be affected by the loss of the company of her k ids and the fact that he is not accepted by the family---this may take some of the glitter off this relationship.
There is the fact that alcoholism always gets worse.....so, she may start to become less enthralled than she is, now. I'll bet that she is already having some concerns about him (she isn't going to let on to you all, though).
Now, after saying all this....I would say to keep a close relationship with her, individually.....seeing her alone to go to lunch....visiting when he is not around....helping her out with things....whatever you have a connection with her. I would not degrade him, in conversation.....after you have established that you are concerned about her safety and your discomfort with his drunken behavior.
I know that this is an uncomfortable topic and puts you in a very undesirable position.
I am just telling you how I would handle it if I were in your position......
dandylion
Her happiness won't matter if he involves her in a fatal accident. If something like that happens....and, it has a high likelihood....would you ever forgive yourself if you hadn't done all that you humanly could?
She might get "mad".....but, nobody ever died from getting mad. she can stay mad until she gets glad (and she will, eventually).
I can think of two things that you can do.....You can inform the police of his car description and license plate and his driving times and locations.
You can also underline your concern and your own boundaries of letting her know that you will not be socializing with them any more if he is drinking. As a mother---she may be affected by the loss of the company of her k ids and the fact that he is not accepted by the family---this may take some of the glitter off this relationship.
There is the fact that alcoholism always gets worse.....so, she may start to become less enthralled than she is, now. I'll bet that she is already having some concerns about him (she isn't going to let on to you all, though).
Now, after saying all this....I would say to keep a close relationship with her, individually.....seeing her alone to go to lunch....visiting when he is not around....helping her out with things....whatever you have a connection with her. I would not degrade him, in conversation.....after you have established that you are concerned about her safety and your discomfort with his drunken behavior.
I know that this is an uncomfortable topic and puts you in a very undesirable position.
I am just telling you how I would handle it if I were in your position......
dandylion
Her happiness won't matter if he involves her in a fatal accident. If something like that happens....and, it has a high likelihood....would you ever forgive yourself if you hadn't done all that you humanly could?
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