I think I'm ready to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
I think I'm ready to leave
Hi,
I'm 32 years old, and have been married to my AH for 9 years. We've been together since we were 19. We have no children, but a dog I love very much like a child. He is the only man I've ever loved, so it's been very hard to even consider leaving. He has always been a "functioning alcoholic," but recently, things have become very difficult. In May, he left his job, and decided to take the summer off to "find himself". I was supportive, as I knew he was unhappy, and he promised to find a new job - even if it meant flipping burgers - by September end. Well, it's November. He has made very little effort to find a job and even lies and says he has made phone calls when he hasn't. He lays on the couch all day every day and starts drinking sometimes at 7am. He refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, and refuses to get help. He is very depressed and I can't help him. He is not physically abusive, but can be manipulative and sometimes very crabby. We haven't slept in the same bed for months. We communicate via text, even when we are both in the house.
Yesterday, he finally admitted that he had been lying about trying to call potential jobs. I told him that I no longer trust him, and that if he doesn't have a paycheck by November end, I will be taking him off our bank account and he will have to start selling his guitars and other things to pay his way.
Our lease is up at the end of May 2016, and I'm prepared to part ways at that time. I still care deeply for him, and want no harm to come to him, but it's time that I work on my own happiness and recognize that he will never change. It's sad; I'm most upset that he might not let me have our dog... That brings me to tears.
I guess I'm looking for advice. How do I tell him I want him to leave? Where will he go? ( He has no family near-by). What about our friends? - we have a group of 3-4 couples that we hang out with every weekend, usually have a couple drinks, (he has more), how do I tell them? They are like our family.
I'm 32 years old, and have been married to my AH for 9 years. We've been together since we were 19. We have no children, but a dog I love very much like a child. He is the only man I've ever loved, so it's been very hard to even consider leaving. He has always been a "functioning alcoholic," but recently, things have become very difficult. In May, he left his job, and decided to take the summer off to "find himself". I was supportive, as I knew he was unhappy, and he promised to find a new job - even if it meant flipping burgers - by September end. Well, it's November. He has made very little effort to find a job and even lies and says he has made phone calls when he hasn't. He lays on the couch all day every day and starts drinking sometimes at 7am. He refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, and refuses to get help. He is very depressed and I can't help him. He is not physically abusive, but can be manipulative and sometimes very crabby. We haven't slept in the same bed for months. We communicate via text, even when we are both in the house.
Yesterday, he finally admitted that he had been lying about trying to call potential jobs. I told him that I no longer trust him, and that if he doesn't have a paycheck by November end, I will be taking him off our bank account and he will have to start selling his guitars and other things to pay his way.
Our lease is up at the end of May 2016, and I'm prepared to part ways at that time. I still care deeply for him, and want no harm to come to him, but it's time that I work on my own happiness and recognize that he will never change. It's sad; I'm most upset that he might not let me have our dog... That brings me to tears.
I guess I'm looking for advice. How do I tell him I want him to leave? Where will he go? ( He has no family near-by). What about our friends? - we have a group of 3-4 couples that we hang out with every weekend, usually have a couple drinks, (he has more), how do I tell them? They are like our family.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
You don't tell anyone anything until you are ready to tell your husband that if he doesn't get his act together by the time the lease is up you will find your own place without him. It is no one's business but the two of you. As far as him having no place to go to bad for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
Logically, I agree with you. But our social life is more complicated than that. Our friends have no idea anything is wrong, but I can't keep spending time with them (and him.) I either have to cut off the friendships, or have the difficult conversation of telling them they have to choose between us. We host a football party every Sunday in our home... Do I keep pretending like everything is ok?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm sorry you are going through this - it's the worst, we know!! It is a very unfulfilling and soul sucking situations.
You have til May it sounds like - unless you want to split sooner. You don't have to say anything to your friends right now - that'll all become clear as it comes. You sound very resolved. You know he is not going to change, and you know you want to be happy and you can't be there. It's amazing how simple it sounds when we just write it all out - and remove our feelings of guilt and fear from the equation.
I think you just tell him. Calmly, logically, and keep it all about you.
He's a grown man. He did fine before you, and he will be fine after you. He needs to be able to take care of himself - just like all of us.
ON the dog - he may not be able to take him. From being here for a while....alcoholics don't often want the full responsibility of a house, pets, their kids. They might act like it to hurt you, but somehow I think you will end up with your dog...
And yeah, on your friends - if they love you, they will be there for you. If you have a few months, i'd say get closer to your good friends that are outside of your circle as a couple.
Stick around here - you'll find so much wisdom and compassion for what you are going through. You sound level headed, and are lightyears ahead of where I was when I got here. All i wanted to do when I showed up was fix my alcoholic. lol. You are going to be just fine!
You have til May it sounds like - unless you want to split sooner. You don't have to say anything to your friends right now - that'll all become clear as it comes. You sound very resolved. You know he is not going to change, and you know you want to be happy and you can't be there. It's amazing how simple it sounds when we just write it all out - and remove our feelings of guilt and fear from the equation.
How do I tell him I want him to leave?
Where will he go?
ON the dog - he may not be able to take him. From being here for a while....alcoholics don't often want the full responsibility of a house, pets, their kids. They might act like it to hurt you, but somehow I think you will end up with your dog...
And yeah, on your friends - if they love you, they will be there for you. If you have a few months, i'd say get closer to your good friends that are outside of your circle as a couple.
Stick around here - you'll find so much wisdom and compassion for what you are going through. You sound level headed, and are lightyears ahead of where I was when I got here. All i wanted to do when I showed up was fix my alcoholic. lol. You are going to be just fine!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
DJ, I understand that feeling about your friends. For now, though, try to concentrate on your innermost circle -- you and him. Get your ducks in a row for separating first and when you are ready, you can tell them it's happening. But asking them to choose between you or to take sides isn't really fair. Part of accepting that your relationship is over is accepting that some of your secondary relationships may change. Or transition. But fear of that happening should not be a factor in whether or not you stay in an unhappy relationship.
As far as pretending...my advice is always to honor your feelings. If you don't feel like you can host the party without pretending to be something you are not, then don't host the party. It doesn't have to be a big deal, and doesn't have to explode into telling everyone every detail about your relationship. But the more your force yourself to stuff your feelings, the worse it will be later on. Right now, you have to put you and your well-being first. Break-ups are hard enough without trying to manage everyone else's feelings at the same time.
As far as pretending...my advice is always to honor your feelings. If you don't feel like you can host the party without pretending to be something you are not, then don't host the party. It doesn't have to be a big deal, and doesn't have to explode into telling everyone every detail about your relationship. But the more your force yourself to stuff your feelings, the worse it will be later on. Right now, you have to put you and your well-being first. Break-ups are hard enough without trying to manage everyone else's feelings at the same time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Your friends don't have to choose - but they will, and that is up to them. I just went through break up #452 lol. OK not literally, but i've broken up...A LOT lol.
I promise, the friend sitch will become clear. Some will go with him, some will waiver between the 2 of you and eventually pick, and some will go with you. That's just the way it works. If you are close enough to some of the girls in the group, you could mention to them that you want to leave....but prepare for chatter throughout everyone. If you have GOOD friends outside the circle, i'd latch onto them like crazy. They will help give you a soft place to fall when you need it.
And having fun football sundays isn't pretending - you are allowed to have a fun happy life, even in the middle of crisis!
I promise, the friend sitch will become clear. Some will go with him, some will waiver between the 2 of you and eventually pick, and some will go with you. That's just the way it works. If you are close enough to some of the girls in the group, you could mention to them that you want to leave....but prepare for chatter throughout everyone. If you have GOOD friends outside the circle, i'd latch onto them like crazy. They will help give you a soft place to fall when you need it.
And having fun football sundays isn't pretending - you are allowed to have a fun happy life, even in the middle of crisis!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, this is a situation where you have to deal with first things first. It's sort of like alcoholics wondering how they will get through their child's wedding with out a champagne toast--and the kid is only three!
As mentioned above, there's no telling how friends will react, and right now, you don't even know how he--or you--will react. Have you talked with a lawyer? I'd do that before you even talk with your husband. You don't need to file anything immediately, but it will help a great deal to know, going in, what your rights and obligations are likely to be.
If you're able to work out most of the details between yourselves this doesn't have to be a bloodbath. You might both remain friends with some of your group, or some may naturally gravitate more toward one or the other without any over-the-top acrimony.
One step at a time, but first things first.
As mentioned above, there's no telling how friends will react, and right now, you don't even know how he--or you--will react. Have you talked with a lawyer? I'd do that before you even talk with your husband. You don't need to file anything immediately, but it will help a great deal to know, going in, what your rights and obligations are likely to be.
If you're able to work out most of the details between yourselves this doesn't have to be a bloodbath. You might both remain friends with some of your group, or some may naturally gravitate more toward one or the other without any over-the-top acrimony.
One step at a time, but first things first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
Thanks, firebolt. I suppose I felt that it was ok to still have my parties, since it is something I enjoy very much, but I was looking for some sort of validation. I think you're right. I don't have to deny myself the fun, and the friends don't need to know until they need to know. And if he is uncomfortable with it, he can go somewhere else.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dj.......I basically agree with what has already been said. I believe that if you started alanon......it would help your self confidence and help you develop your inner strength. Start working out all of the practical details of making the change. As you begin planning, things will fall into place (they always do).
Again, it would not be a good idea to tel lhim until you are very confident that you will carry through on exactly what you say.....and that you will not second guess yourself into getting sucked back into the situation......
About the dog.....Who feeds the dog? Who bought or adopted the dog? Who has ever taken the dog to the vet---and paid the vet bill?
I can remember seeing on court tv---where couples are actually fighting over the custody of the pet.....these are the kinds of criteria that the judge considered in making the judgement.
I would never mention the issue of the dog.....just take the dog. If he objects....he can take you to court....lol (that is not going to happen).
Animals are usually a burden to alcoholics who can barely hold it together for themselves.....
dandylion
Again, it would not be a good idea to tel lhim until you are very confident that you will carry through on exactly what you say.....and that you will not second guess yourself into getting sucked back into the situation......
About the dog.....Who feeds the dog? Who bought or adopted the dog? Who has ever taken the dog to the vet---and paid the vet bill?
I can remember seeing on court tv---where couples are actually fighting over the custody of the pet.....these are the kinds of criteria that the judge considered in making the judgement.
I would never mention the issue of the dog.....just take the dog. If he objects....he can take you to court....lol (that is not going to happen).
Animals are usually a burden to alcoholics who can barely hold it together for themselves.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
Dandy, you are right. I will just take the dog, I'm the one that buys the food, takes him to the vet, and pays the vet bill. He will fight me verbally, but he won't have the means to legally battle me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
In regards to Al-anon, I went to a meeting a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling hopeless and emotional. It was perfect. There were about 8 women there, all with different backgrounds, and they were so supportive and had so much wisdom. I cried through the whole meeting, from the moment I introduced myself, lol. I walked out feeling empowered, and level-headed. I want to go back, but my schedule is crazy; I travel for work. I'm hoping I can make it to next week's meeting. I think al-anon is such an amazing resource.
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