Introduction- feeling scared and alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Tamap, FL
Posts: 7
Introduction- feeling scared and alone
Its been a very long time since i attended an ACOA meeting.
I thought i had learned to cope with my dysfunctional family over the years and detach. But i know that times of stress can stretch us to our limits and this is one of those times for me.
i am a single parent going through a rough patch financially, unemployed and financially dependent on my actively drinking alcoholic father and codependent enabling raging mother.
I keep getting dragged into the chaos they continually create and allowing it to take away my serenity.
There is so much stress on my plate, i am finding it so hard to detach.
I have cut off contact with 2/3 of my siblings who all they can do is judge and criticize me, i cannot maintain my confidence to interview for jobs
and listen to their criticisms most of which are unfounded. One is a raging alcoholic too so half the time incoherent.
I communicate with my parents by email and phone and i have to right now in order to pay our living expenses. I a, trying hard to change that and become self supporting and just grateful we arent living with them. I do not want my daughter growing up with an alcoholic i. The house or thinking their relationship is normal. It was highly emotionally abusive to me growing up. My daughter is adopted and does not share the same genes and i do all i can to protect her from the dysfunction
My goal is to become self supporting again and detach even more but its taking a long time to do this, i feel very stuck and afraid. I am afraid we will become homeless and there is no way i could take my daughter and go live in that abusive environment, i have no safety net and nowhere to go and am hanging on by a thread financially. And there is still so much competition for jobs. We are on food stamps but i cannot find any public assistance for rent money at all.
Ive always been strong and used to make a good living but my career field has changed dramatically over the years and my skills have lapsed.
I am also 55 now so age plays into this too.
But i am determined to protect and provide for my daughter. There is no child support as she is adopted from another country. But she is my love and my joy. I am so grateful to have her to love and to have love in my life.
She is truly the best thing to ever happen to me.
I guess i am here for emotional support and to read inspiration from those of you who have been through tough times emotionally, financially and with detaching. I feel every day like i am living on the edge and i it scares me... I hate the chaos because it the chaos i grew up with in an abusive alcoholic family and i feel desperate to escape from it again. This is not where i wanted to be or thought i would be at 55.
How have others her gotten through the rough times if you are forced to be involved with active addicts?
I thought i had learned to cope with my dysfunctional family over the years and detach. But i know that times of stress can stretch us to our limits and this is one of those times for me.
i am a single parent going through a rough patch financially, unemployed and financially dependent on my actively drinking alcoholic father and codependent enabling raging mother.
I keep getting dragged into the chaos they continually create and allowing it to take away my serenity.
There is so much stress on my plate, i am finding it so hard to detach.
I have cut off contact with 2/3 of my siblings who all they can do is judge and criticize me, i cannot maintain my confidence to interview for jobs
and listen to their criticisms most of which are unfounded. One is a raging alcoholic too so half the time incoherent.
I communicate with my parents by email and phone and i have to right now in order to pay our living expenses. I a, trying hard to change that and become self supporting and just grateful we arent living with them. I do not want my daughter growing up with an alcoholic i. The house or thinking their relationship is normal. It was highly emotionally abusive to me growing up. My daughter is adopted and does not share the same genes and i do all i can to protect her from the dysfunction
My goal is to become self supporting again and detach even more but its taking a long time to do this, i feel very stuck and afraid. I am afraid we will become homeless and there is no way i could take my daughter and go live in that abusive environment, i have no safety net and nowhere to go and am hanging on by a thread financially. And there is still so much competition for jobs. We are on food stamps but i cannot find any public assistance for rent money at all.
Ive always been strong and used to make a good living but my career field has changed dramatically over the years and my skills have lapsed.
I am also 55 now so age plays into this too.
But i am determined to protect and provide for my daughter. There is no child support as she is adopted from another country. But she is my love and my joy. I am so grateful to have her to love and to have love in my life.
She is truly the best thing to ever happen to me.
I guess i am here for emotional support and to read inspiration from those of you who have been through tough times emotionally, financially and with detaching. I feel every day like i am living on the edge and i it scares me... I hate the chaos because it the chaos i grew up with in an abusive alcoholic family and i feel desperate to escape from it again. This is not where i wanted to be or thought i would be at 55.
How have others her gotten through the rough times if you are forced to be involved with active addicts?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Hopeful!! 
Support is important, looking in from the outside can be a very lonely and frustrating place, so having others that understand is important, and you'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Great to have you onboard!!
Support is important, looking in from the outside can be a very lonely and frustrating place, so having others that understand is important, and you'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Great to have you onboard!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi hopeful,
That is a really tough spot you are in right now and detaching can be so hard. Have you contacted The Salvation Army, Goodwill, or Catholic Charities to see if they can help.
In the meantime don't forget you are not what others say you are. You are a good person.
Also you might want to see if your county or state offers free job training. If you have any kind of degree you may be able to substitute teach, or teach adult enrichment classes at your local community college.
Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us.
That is a really tough spot you are in right now and detaching can be so hard. Have you contacted The Salvation Army, Goodwill, or Catholic Charities to see if they can help.
In the meantime don't forget you are not what others say you are. You are a good person.
Also you might want to see if your county or state offers free job training. If you have any kind of degree you may be able to substitute teach, or teach adult enrichment classes at your local community college.
Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Tamap, FL
Posts: 7
I have already had a grant for free job training but it was not very good and has not helped me get a job. The charities here help with some things but do not have money to help with rent unfortunately. I can't find anywhere that will do that. One requires you be homeless for three months before they will help you. I substituted last year all year but did not get hired fulltime because I am not certified. I studied for certification but even sub-ing here is not full time and pays only $9 per hour. I was lucky to get two days per week and now the state wants me to pay $100 to get an updated background check which i don't have. If i had $100 I would pay rent with it. Also the school administrations seem to be very abusive towards substitutes. I have a little freelance writing that pays as much as substituting but its inconsistent like sub-ing is, but at least I am not treated abusively while writing. I am hoping this leads to a writing/content job. I worked as a designer/journalist for many years and there is a glut of out of work folks here in this area so many looking for work.
I wish i had money for community college classes but our basic needs are not even being met at this point and my car is in need of repair. Things are not good and its a daily struggle to try and stay hopeful and positive.
Most days i can stay strong with the help of friends. I appreciate the support here very much. Thank you for your kindness.
I wish i had money for community college classes but our basic needs are not even being met at this point and my car is in need of repair. Things are not good and its a daily struggle to try and stay hopeful and positive.
Most days i can stay strong with the help of friends. I appreciate the support here very much. Thank you for your kindness.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I meant teaching at the local community college. Where I live they are always looking for people to put together an idea for personal enrichment classes. Everything from container gardening classes to knitting to line dancing, whatever. I mean I know teaches two different classes on house flipping and where to get financing for it. Have you considered blogging? There are some decent free ebooks on the subject from Amazon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Tamap, FL
Posts: 7
In FL you are required to have masts to teach community college
Ive considered blogging but the only way to make income is attract advtertisers and i hear that can be difficult. I alos do not have a good working computer that is uptodate. Mine is sort if in its last leg amd very old. I was a orint designer and art director/ journalist for over thirty years but the software to keep up with web design is expensive and difficult to stay current on. My old comouter cant handle it . Even wordpress is t working oroperly on my computer. Eventually i would like a newer one but need full time work with benefits. I jave a daughter to support and have to have benefits
Ive considered blogging but the only way to make income is attract advtertisers and i hear that can be difficult. I alos do not have a good working computer that is uptodate. Mine is sort if in its last leg amd very old. I was a orint designer and art director/ journalist for over thirty years but the software to keep up with web design is expensive and difficult to stay current on. My old comouter cant handle it . Even wordpress is t working oroperly on my computer. Eventually i would like a newer one but need full time work with benefits. I jave a daughter to support and have to have benefits
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome to the forum, I am glad you found it as well. You are having a tough time now but I applaud you for not going back to your alcoholic parents. I would never go back to them. Course they wouldn't let me either so there's that. Can you get a roommate or do some nanny work that would let you have your daughter with you? I've known friends who did that. I hope it works out for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Tamap, FL
Posts: 7
Thank you for your kind response and suggestions.
I have considered becoming a nanny. The issue with this or getting a roomate which we do not have room for is it puts us at risk and soecifically my daughter,
I do not believe it is thr right choice for us right now. What if the person we moved in with turns out to be an alcoholic or drug addct. What if their biyfriend tyrns out to be? I refuse to put us in that type of risky situation. It would be the same thing as losing control and living with my aloholic dysfuntional parents or possibly worse which is hard to imagine. My daughters safety and health is my priority. I have found that if i keep her safety and heakth the priority then it keeps mine a priority as well.
We are struggling financially but i am hopeful this will pass. I just need to find full time work and build us a future again. It is very diffukt to limb out of poverty once you fall into it but i am determined to. I am grateful to be given hope and encouragement by some and also you here.
What has been very hurtful are those i have accepted help from in the oast who then think they have liense to judge me. Two of my siblings are doing that and i have cut off contact with them due to that. Both are raging alcoholics whoe opinions and chiices are colored by alcohol. The disease has taken over.
In the oast i have listened to alcoholics when i was making important life decisions and found this to be a poor source of advice and regretted ite deeply,
Usually they want to control me and family members seem to want to put me back into the sapegoat role. I refuse to be put there. I would rather have no ontat whatsoever than be put in that role. But its very hard to be finanially dependent on family. I am determined to be independent and support us, sometimes it is very hard to get emotional support . Judgment of the unemployed is harsh. Yet when we most need emotional support. I am interviewing and hopeful but its also a very frustrating process.
I have considered becoming a nanny. The issue with this or getting a roomate which we do not have room for is it puts us at risk and soecifically my daughter,
I do not believe it is thr right choice for us right now. What if the person we moved in with turns out to be an alcoholic or drug addct. What if their biyfriend tyrns out to be? I refuse to put us in that type of risky situation. It would be the same thing as losing control and living with my aloholic dysfuntional parents or possibly worse which is hard to imagine. My daughters safety and health is my priority. I have found that if i keep her safety and heakth the priority then it keeps mine a priority as well.
We are struggling financially but i am hopeful this will pass. I just need to find full time work and build us a future again. It is very diffukt to limb out of poverty once you fall into it but i am determined to. I am grateful to be given hope and encouragement by some and also you here.
What has been very hurtful are those i have accepted help from in the oast who then think they have liense to judge me. Two of my siblings are doing that and i have cut off contact with them due to that. Both are raging alcoholics whoe opinions and chiices are colored by alcohol. The disease has taken over.
In the oast i have listened to alcoholics when i was making important life decisions and found this to be a poor source of advice and regretted ite deeply,
Usually they want to control me and family members seem to want to put me back into the sapegoat role. I refuse to be put there. I would rather have no ontat whatsoever than be put in that role. But its very hard to be finanially dependent on family. I am determined to be independent and support us, sometimes it is very hard to get emotional support . Judgment of the unemployed is harsh. Yet when we most need emotional support. I am interviewing and hopeful but its also a very frustrating process.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
With the holidays coming up you may be able to at least find some seasonal work. The post office, UPS, FedEx, and Amazon are probably starting to hire.
As far as a roommate you may be able to find an older woman or you may be able to find a live in companion gig.
Being financially dependent on family brings out the worst in people sometimes. The think their help entitles them to dictate your life. I have gone no contact with both of my parents. Not because of judgment but simply because I don't want their illnesses in my life.
As far as a roommate you may be able to find an older woman or you may be able to find a live in companion gig.
Being financially dependent on family brings out the worst in people sometimes. The think their help entitles them to dictate your life. I have gone no contact with both of my parents. Not because of judgment but simply because I don't want their illnesses in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Tamap, FL
Posts: 7
It was not a good week but i am hopeful next week will be better.
My kind sister in law sent me a little money towards the rent and I am grateful. She is not judgmental like my sisters are. But i still owe a whole month of rent i am behind on. There is some seasonal work but most of it is at night and i cannot work at night because I have no childcare. I just lost my childcare in the daytime too and cant afford the one at the school. I wrote the principal and asked him if there is a scholarship but i likely cannot afford that until i am working again.
Every week is such a stressful struggle but it has to improve. Thank you for the kind support and advice here.
I am trying to detach and take things one day at a time so it doesnt overwhelm me. Its very hard but I know i can do it. My daughter keeps me going.. she is amazing and joyful.
My kind sister in law sent me a little money towards the rent and I am grateful. She is not judgmental like my sisters are. But i still owe a whole month of rent i am behind on. There is some seasonal work but most of it is at night and i cannot work at night because I have no childcare. I just lost my childcare in the daytime too and cant afford the one at the school. I wrote the principal and asked him if there is a scholarship but i likely cannot afford that until i am working again.
Every week is such a stressful struggle but it has to improve. Thank you for the kind support and advice here.
I am trying to detach and take things one day at a time so it doesnt overwhelm me. Its very hard but I know i can do it. My daughter keeps me going.. she is amazing and joyful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
With your journalistic background, have you ever consider applying for jobs in public relations and communications? My daughter had much better responses when she emailed the inhouse pr department and pr agencies directly.
How about becoming a private tutor and teaching English as a foreign language?
If you can sublet and have a spare room, then finding a roommate is the way to go. You’ll never know, you might end up with a nice respectable lodger who is not an alcoholic or a drug dealer and therefore no risk to your daughter.
There are other options too like providing homestay to international students if you live near a university or college and providing rooms for visitors/ tourists through Airbnb.
My daughter, after her graduation, struggled to find a job due to lack of experience. To a point that she felt so low that she wanted to go to a doctor and ask for anti depressants, because she was applying for jobs every day and getting nowhere.
She eventually got a short term paid internship and her boss was like ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ who treats interns very badly.
That internship lead to a permanent job elsewhere, but it took her a while to regain her confidence again.
How about becoming a private tutor and teaching English as a foreign language?
If you can sublet and have a spare room, then finding a roommate is the way to go. You’ll never know, you might end up with a nice respectable lodger who is not an alcoholic or a drug dealer and therefore no risk to your daughter.
There are other options too like providing homestay to international students if you live near a university or college and providing rooms for visitors/ tourists through Airbnb.
My daughter, after her graduation, struggled to find a job due to lack of experience. To a point that she felt so low that she wanted to go to a doctor and ask for anti depressants, because she was applying for jobs every day and getting nowhere.
She eventually got a short term paid internship and her boss was like ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ who treats interns very badly.
That internship lead to a permanent job elsewhere, but it took her a while to regain her confidence again.
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