Gemlitigate

It's been 6 weeks since I left my very high functioning alcoholic XB. He let me walk without a word, a complaint, a protest. Aside from a letter I got in the mail telling me sorry he can't meet my needs and he is who he is, it's been . . . nothing. A lot of nothing. And I know I should be happy and thankful for the nothingness, but I feel so sad and empty. I deleted all traces of him, deleted all social media, asked mutual friends to not discuss him. And it's almost like he/we never existed.
We spent two years together, mostly amazing, especially the first 18 months. Integrated our kids/families, spent passionate trips away, stayed up talking for hours. But then there was the daily drinking. No violence, no abuse, not even much personality change. But it was there. And it wasn't going away. So I had to.

The hours of daily crying have become minutes. The nightly dreams have become twice a week. I'm in therapy, I've read codependency books, I read here often. And yet I miss him so much my heart hearts. Every passing day was a plan we made cancelled, an occasion to celebrate that we didn't, an upcoming holiday that we won't share.
I'm distraught with what ifs and if onlys and rejection and so many other emotions. There is a certain debilitating pain about having to walk away from someone you love. Knowing he is still somewhere out there, but not with you.

Thanks for letting me vent. Just need a little extra support today.

RedDog735

Hugs. I am currently struggling with my flaws and am questioning if I have to accept that I cannot maintain a healthy relationship. I love ideas of romanization and feeling loved but I don't think I understand what the hell a healthy relationship consists of. I keep jumping right into them, thinking I can get it right this time. I attend Alanon weekly and I still find myself in panic.

My exA and I were toxic- took me what seems like forever to get over him- but here I am trying to attach to another. Yikes..

Hugs again, you can do this! It takes time, but first and foremost, take the one day at a time.

SparkleKitty

For me, the key to having a healthy with someone else was first taking the time and space necessary to build a healthy relationship with myself. I had to be able to validate myself, to love myself, to take care of myself before I could share myself with someone else.

Liveitwell

^^ yep!

hopepraylove

I FEEL you. I feel you so much.

It gets easier with time, I promise.

Gentle hugs.

dandylion

Gemlitigate........I think you are doing really well, under the circumstances.
It is still so early in the process, though....
I had a bad breakup after several years...similar to yours (a long time ago).....and I was a much worse mess than you...lol..... I suffered really bad for about 6mo. before it seemed like "past" history.
When you have established the bonds and roots like you did....it takes a while for the bonds to dissolve.....and the grieving process really sucks....

It won't always feel like this.
Congratulate yourself on how well you are doing....and have faith and patience....

dandylion

FireSprite

It was worth every baby step. It pays off in spades.

Gemlitigate

Thank you for this. Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing well but I don't feel it. He still consumes every thought. I find little joy in the the things we used to do together. I make plans for things but don't look forward to them. I question my decision every minute of every single day. And then I wonder, wonder if he's ok, wonder why he doesn't miss me, wonder why he hasn't show up at my door willing to fight for the relationship. Ugh it's all so overwhelming. And "normies" is that what you call them, don't understand. My own mother and brother have both said on repeated occasions - so he has a bunch of beer after work every day. What's the big deal. And then the doubts start all over again.

LexieCat

You weren't happy with the relationship as it stood, so that's a pretty darned "big deal." Whether it would be a big deal for someone else is beside the point--and anyway, neither you nor they could say whether it WOULD be a big deal for them.

I kicked out the last guy I lived with for five years. Apart from an angry phone message because he didn't like how much money he got when we sold property we owned together, and a single email a year or so ago asking whether I still had the same email address (I didn't reply) I haven't heard a word from him. And it's been ten years.

He wasn't an alcoholic (by then, I was), but he was a very self-centered person, and very controlling in a lot of ways.

So five years together, and not a word to speak of. Yeah, it sometimes made me wonder, but overall, I think not hearing from him helped me move on much more than if we'd had a long, drawn-out back-and-forth rehashing everything.

I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do right now. He was a big part of your life, and there's always a loss of a dream when a breakup happens.

Happier days will come.

maia1234

G-
I am sorry you hurt. I just had my 1 year divorce anniversary. I always felt after a year I would be doing awesome. My heart still hurts, i still love him, but love him from a distance.

I think now if he came back and said "I am sorry" I would have a whole list of what you can't do anymore if we would be together. Thinking it would be impossible for him to fill my list, so what do I want back? It is so mind blowing. Its kind of like an alcoholic, you can't have that one drink, because all of that hard work of staying "sober", you would be back at day one again.

Go to the new to recovery and alcoholism forum. Read how these people suffer mentally. Life is not a bed of roses, they have demons. Feel your pain and don't let anyone diminish your relationship you had with him. It was crazy, and normal people don't live like that. There is nothing wrong with wanting a grown up relationship, you are entitled.

Hugs my friend!!

redatlanta

I have had several really terrible break ups like this. The grieving process is bad. The obsessing and thought patterns that continuously go back to them are maddening. But.....it does end.

Just now I was thinking about those whom I was such a wreck after it ended. I'm not kidding you that I could stand behind one of them in the grocery store and never-say-one-word. Men that I "loved" so much! Bah! Distance allows perspective. They weren't great partners.

AnvilheadII

it helps to remember that not everyone takes relationships so deeply.....they show up, they are present, they seem engaged, but they just don't make it life or death.....they are SKIMMERS......not deep sea divers.

and when things end...well for some, they just END and it's time to move on. it is not that they didn't care, but for them over means OVER and they accept that and don't dwell.

i read once it was suggested that people get IN to and OUT of short time "nice" relationships, just to learn that they CAN. not everyone that comes into our lives is meant to be permanent....hell, little in life is permanent.....we just struggle with letting go.

Gemlitigate

How do you go about doing this and how will you know when you're successful?

dandylion

Gemlitigate.....you are right....others who haven't been in the same shoes don't understand.
Thank god, there are others who do understand. You will learn who to talk to about it...and, who to just let go....
You did the right thing. The relationship was not in your best interest.....and, you did what you had to do......even if it meant short-term pain for the l ong-term gain.

You are going to get through this...and, believe it or not--you will laugh again and love again and the sun will shine again...

dandylion

SparkleKitty

For me it was a combination of therapy, a moratorium on dating (which lasted three years), and spending time with positive people, people who were healthy and confident, and who accepted me -- even loved me -- exactly as I was. I came to understand that the people I spent time with were like mirrors. I had bad mirrors growing up, always reflecting back my negative thoughts and beliefs about myself. Choosing people who only reflect the things I liked about me - my sense of humor, my work ethic, etc. -- was key to building a healthy self esteem. I also wrote a book, took care of my dog, acted in some plays, directed some others - more things that invested in my sense of self worth.

I knew I was successful when I started accepting that I might be alone for awhile or for good...and it didn't scare me. I was okay just being with me. I realized that no external relationship could ever complete me the way that the one I had with myself did.

redatlanta

For me therapy was extremely helpful. Al Anon was the icing on the cake working the step program to end codependent and enabling behaviors.

A re-occurant pattern within my relationships for 20 + years was dismissing red flags and/or focusing on changing them. Bad, bad, bad. Never successful.

I know 2 women right now that are years into relationships with men who won't marry them. This would made clear to these two ladies very early in - no desire to ever get married again. Both women want to get married. They desired marriage when they met both men. Now their time in has become a "suck cost". Still hanging in, still convinced the guys are going to change their minds. Waste-Of-Time. I did this a myriad of times not with marriage, but other issues some of which that were presented VERY early on before any "real" time was expended.

Ending this behavior, laying boundaries, and not accepting dog food for dinner (my favorite line being "this is who I am! let me be me!) has changed all my relationships including friendships for the better.

Gemlitigate

Thank you so much everyone.

Ally89

I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid but I just wanted to share that reading your post completely reflects how I am feeling at the moment and also feeling very isolated because my family also do not understand why I am so sad about someone who has treated me poorly. Like you I am thinking about how it was only bad towards the end, he was never verbally or physically abusive. We shared so much together, our families, home, hobbies. I was with my partner for over 5 years and he has been part of my entire early adult life (I'm 26).
I'm dreading Christmas and I am usually annoying everyone making plans and getting excited in about October!

It is hard because for most of our relationship we were happy and his alcoholism developed alongside us and for the most part I don't think he even knew what was happening. The horrible thing about this disease is you often only find out when things are already too bad. He has become someone I don't even recognize- sure it would be easier if he had abused me but do I want to stick around until things get worse until I have the strength to move on. I have been told by others here it will only get worse.

I also struggled with him letting me go so easily without a care. I think about our lives together everyday and miss him so much. I have to believe everyone says it gets easier for a reason and just take one day at a time. We cannot numb our pain with drugs but we are healthier for it. That is no way to live and to be honest I don't want to go on as if it never happened-even if he does. It meant a lot to me.