BellJar7

Hey everyone. I honestly contemplated just never logging on again and quietly slipping away from this site. After all, I just joined a few days ago, and I bet others have done the same thing...

But I'm back on. I also thought about picking up where I left off and not telling you the truth, that I'm still drinking. But dishonesty and sneakiness isn't me- not even with anonymous strangers on the Internet. And who would it benefit to lie?

I'm still drinking. Not as much, but I am having a hard time reasoning between complete abstinence and moderation. I drank this weekend (after a completely dry week last week). I didn't get drunk, but I felt guilty because I've joined this community.

I'm waffling and I know I am.

I don't know where I stand on it all. I hesitate to call myself an alcoholic (something that was mentioned in another post, which I found helpful). I don't know where I stand on anything right now. But I have decided that in the meantime, while I'm waffling and struggling to commit, I'm gonna stay here. I'm not going to hide out or lie to you all, because I ultimately do want to be healthy and well, whatever that means.

Thanks for your support again, and for letting me share my thoughts.
BellJar.

JD

I'm glad you're staying here and telling us honestly what's going on. I don't know you're situation but I'm a long time drinker who had finally gotten tired of it. I don't like the label of alcoholic either. I like to say I don't drink anymore or I'm an ex-drinker.

Many of us have been where you are where we're not sure or more realistically don't want to admit we have a problem. But the sooner you can nip this in the bud the better your whole life will be. I wish I'd done that many years ago. I don't regret my life to now because it's been pretty good. But there are a whole lot of things that could have been better. I'm now free to work on those. I didn't have a prayer while drinking.

doggonecarl

You describe yourself as soon-to-be counselor. What if someone was to sit before you and told you all that you've told us. The problem drinking has caused, hesitation to accept being an alcoholic, ambivalence to quitting drinking.

Objectively, what would you advise that person?

Anna

One thing I know for sure is that you will need to be totally committed to sobriety and recovery for it to work.

I hope you keep reading and posting and getting support.

Carver

Hey BellJar,

This is a seriously awesome place to be if you're looking to quit drinking. Stick around and read and post. I get inspiration from everyone else and it helps keep me sober.

KidsEverywhere

I am someone who considers myself to have a "high bottom" in that my drinking was not keeping me from going to work and functioning and I would go to bed at a decent hour without getting hammered (but I did drink almost every single night).
But when I look back on it- it was ridiculous behavior: hiding how Much I was drinking, obsessing over making sure I had alcohol available at home at all times, buying smaller quantities to avoid drinking too much, drinking for no reason at all, drinking alone. Drinking just because the day was drawing to an end.
I think if you can look back and see that alcohol is playing too big of a role in your life and it is keeping you from feeling as good as you should, being as effective, causing problems in your life- that is a definition of an unhealthy relationship that you need to get away from. Call it what you want. For me- I drank too much- so I quit.

Ruby2

I had a hard time deciding to quit. I knew it was causing trouble in my life. That was blatantly apparant to anyone who knew me. But I kept thinking I could moderate my drinking. If only I applied myself harder. Try harder. That didn't work for me. Took me ten years of thinking about quitting before I actually did it. Stick around. Maybe something someone says will strike a chord.

LoveYouBye

Day 3 for me...but tomorrow we leave for Philly and we will go out to dinner with friends. We usually drink A LOT. I might have an entire bottle of wine by myself, or so many cocktails I can't keep count. My thing is that I drink to get to a happy place, to be more social, to escape my own anxiety...my own thoughts and demons. Then when I get to that magical place, I keep drinking to stay there...to avoid the coming down feeling. Mostly this ends badly, with anger, yelling, throwing things and the awful hangover and regret the next morning. The "oh no, not again".

I have been thinking these past 3 days about this dinner coming up, how much I look forward to going every time, how much I love the people there, how I would feel if I didn't drink...how THEY would feel. I have been doing much analysis this past 3 days. And much like you, I am thinking "no one knows I quit drinking so no one will judge me if I drink, just this one time...." So I am fence-sitting too

Here are my thoughts on this dinner and the people there:

1. I hate that I don't remember some of the dinners I have had with them
2. They honestly wouldn't care whether or not I drank wine or water
3. It's only a few hours to get through, to get to the other side
4. My boyfriend will be so proud of me, and he doesn't even know yet (I am sure he's expecting drunk me as usual because 3 days has happened before, until the next occasion to drink)
5. This is my life, my liver, my future...I have to take care of myself
6. Maybe if I don't drink tomorrow night, someone else at that dinner might realize it's okay if THEY don't drink.

Baby steps...

KidsEverywhere

I quit several years ago for about 15 months and depending on the drinking audience, I would vary my reasons for not drinking from: "no thanks", to "I don't drink", to "I've been laying off", etc. I've had several situations around alcohol in this latest streak of 24 days where I just said "no thanks" and nobody cared and nobody made a big deal about it. In the past I even had folks that we're happy there was someone who could drive.

ccam1973

Good job on coming back Belljar. You need to be honest with yourself. Accountability here with us in this community is one thing, but your AV will try to get you to lie to yourself and rationalize drinking.

Mine got me to think it was completely normal and ok to start drinking at 9 in the morning and then at work... What a crock!

How you do this and commit is up to you. The one thing for certain, however, is if you don't commit 100% then it is likely you will keep drinking. If you truly want to stop drinking, then it is within your power to make it happen.

Trust me, life will open up when you get rid of the anxiety and destruction that comes with drinking.

It's up to you, we are here to help when you need it.

biminiblue

I'll just say that at some point you are not going to have a choice any more.

I drank for fun and to relax. Then in time I couldn't relax without it. In a little more time I couldn't relax ever. That is the Hell that alcoholism promises. Continue to drink until you are miserable 24/7. It will happen. Just a matter of time.

Or - stop and enjoy life. Really, once I went down the path of daily drinking it was just a matter of a few months to a couple years that my brain and nervous system were so damaged that I had to have alcohol in some dose at least 18 hours of the day. There is no warning, it just happens. It's an invisible line. Once that happens normal life is no longer possible and consequences will start to pile up.

We'll be here. I hope you can accept your problem as a physical, psychological, and spiritual problem and work to recover.

MIRecovery

I will never be able to drink normally. This is just a fact of life I've learned to accept. There is nothing in my past that would support any other conclusion.

No matter how I slice and dice it I eventually drink too much. Reality is hard but that doesn't make it less true

On The Road

BellJar - I hate labels. I hate the term "alcoholic." I hate that I'm an alcoholic. I hate the way it rolls off my tongue with such ease anymore.

But do you want to know what I hate even MORE than that? That I could live my life like I was a year ago as an "active drunk" - hiding bottles of vodka all over the house so I could sneak a shot whenever I needed, experiencing vomit inducing hangovers, having high blood pressure, anxiety and depression, trying to reign all of this in so I could drink in moderation (which meant drinking MORE!). I have empty holes in my memory where my actions were wiped away in nightly blackouts. I have shame for all the things I did that I'll never remember. I have regrets for all of the harm I caused my family and friends.

After looking at myself in the mirror, it was really hard seeing that I only had two choices: continue living through destruction as an active drunk or changing myself so I could become a recovering alcoholic.

BellJar, it sounds like you will have to make this decision, too, some day. Why not join the rest of us NOW on the road to recovery?

Dee74

How are you doing with making a definitive recovery plan belljar?

D

2muchpain

I've seen many people join SR that are in the same situation you are in. But the one's that stick with SR, try to keep an open mind and try to connect with the advice that people give then eventually become successful at becoming sober. Just about everybody here can relate to what you are going through and don't feel guilty about saying you are still drinking. I find your honesty refreshing. Your honesty and willingness to do something about your drinking is a great start IMO. Keep posting. John

tomsteve

"I didn't get drunk, but I felt guilty because I've joined this community."

imo, thats not why ya feel guilty.
imo, its because ya rationalized drinking but not getting drunk was ok but deep inside, under the denial, ya know alcohol is a pretty bad problem for ya.

dont be concerned with labels. look at how alcohol has effected ya. look at mental, emotional, physical effects and problems in life that it caused.

gaffo

Quitting drinking is the best thing that I ever did for myself. It took a long time to get around to it but in the end it was the only choice for me. I don't really have a problem with the term "alcoholic". It's me. I own it. The only reason I might not use it is that I'm not trying to throw bombs or scare anyone. Everyone is different I suppose but once I got past a certain point it got much easier. Assigning guilt, puzzling out labels, dwelling on the past, and imagining the "good times"--all these things just get in the way. I keep it simple and just don't drink! Nobody really cares so no explanations are necessary. "No thanks" works 99.99% of the time. I tell the other .01% "I'm a psycho alcoholic and you would NOT like me when I'm drunk, I promise!"

bigsombrero

You have some wonderful honesty in your post, it really comes through. But to those of us who have been around the block a few times, we read the words I've highlighted above in bright neon lights.

When we say: "I didn't drink as much this last time", and "I didn't even get drunk", what we are really doing is reinforcing that things are OKAY. We're backing away from that big scary commitment. God forbid we push all-in on sobriety and it doesn't work out!

But the ship is sinking - whether it's sinking slower than last month shouldn't matter. You'll find a good home in sobriety. Why not give it a chance? Can you go a month, a year, etc? What have you got to lose by going all-in? At the very least you'll save lots of money and be in better physical shape. There's a low-risk, high-reward outcome for decisions like these. Good luck and welcome!

MIRecovery

Alcoholism is not a state it is a continuum. Like diabetes just because you haven't lost your sight or have organ damage doesn't mean you aren't diabetic.

At least from this perspective alcoholism is identical. The only question is where on the continuum we find ourselves.

The Sunday school teacher who drinks too much too often or myself who drank vodka at 6:00 AM so I didn't withdraw have exactly the same problem . The only difference is how far the disease has progessed

rinky

What finally stopped me and made me have to admit that I'm an alcoholic is that I nearly killed myself with it and didn't even realize how badly I had damaged my body till I had a bleed and ended up in the hospital with hepatitis pancreatitis and cirrhosis of the liver... that has been a year ago this month.. My last hospital stay from drinking. My anniversary is in a few days... I'm so greatful I didn't go out that way and leave my kids in that way.. Good Luck to you.. you will do it when you are truly ready and not one second sooner or later... I'm praying for you and all of us... Peace.