Lost..
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Madison, Alabama
Posts: 8
Lost..
I apologize if this is in the wrong place.
I met my husband roughly five years ago, married the last four. When we were dating, he was very upfront about being a recovering alcoholic, with what seemed to be a decent number of sober years under his belt.
Sadly, I did not do my homework.
The first lie I busted him on was shortly after our marriage, apologized for, and moved along past.
He has had an injury, lost his job, bad stuff along our short way. These have been rectified for over a year.
Since all of that, the lies kept coming. Naturally, I was offended...honesty is of utmost importance to me. But they haven't stopped.
At least a year ago, I asked him about being a "dry drunk". He had done his 12 steps, practically has the big book memorized. He admitted to it, nothing was done. Promises made, horrible financial decisions made, my heart hurts.
In the last week, he has decided to go back to AA, told me that honesty started now, and how important it was. I was on cloud nine, with inner reservations...the lies have been so plenty that it's nearly impossible to trust him. He lied to my face just twice this weekend, but later confessed (they were so obvious, I'm not even sure that he felt he had a choice.) I didn't react in any angry fashion this time, and he came to me to apologize. I was thankful.
He works in a town about two hours away, and spends most of the week there, one night at home (at best) during the week. I'm basically forced to trust him during this time. Tonight, he told me he was late in contacting me because he had gone straight from work to a 6:00 PM AA meeting. It didn't feel right, so I looked up the meeting/location times, and it did t add up. When I asked him which one he'd gone to, he became angry at me for not trusting him, and for not staying out of "HIS PROGRAM!!"
I have MS. This is tearing me apart. If I have anything to say besides he's simply wonderful, I run the risk of becoming ill. It's happened more times than I can count. He calls me the poster child for codependency, even though he attends my appointments and fully knows my conditions, respect myself, and stand up for myself. Or at least try..
I haven't started al anon yet. I'm a little belligerent...I know I'm not alone. I'm just really, really tired. I carry the household throughout the week, and he does as he pleases, and I have no way to verify anything, and typically that's not something that would occur to me to do. But I ask one question after what was a decent weekend, albeit with lies...and now I'm left in turmoil. I'm on full disability, he knows exactly what he's doing to me when he is feeling reasonable. He will let me rest, stay by my side. When he's at all agitated, it just doesn't matter to him. I'm up here alone, with petit seizures only so far, but honestly the way he goes for the jugular if I say anything that isn't complimentary makes me question my sanity, and if he's just waiting for me to be tired of it and run away, or have an emergency for him to swoop in as the hero.. I've witnessed him bash me to his family ("in anger...which apparently makes it ok...) and I'm simply at a loss. Having any kind of self-respect most often leaves me paying for it, by myself, until he decides to be contrite. And by then, I'm so upset and have heard it so many times that I don't care. At least I feel like I shouldn't.
There should be all the respect in the world for his disease, but none for mine. I should only talk to him at -fill in the blank- times (which adds up to never) about anything that's bothering me with him, but yet he will attack me verbally even during a relapse, without a care. Most often, I cry myself to sleep, and most times wake up to the same apology message that I've gotten a hundred times over. Naurally, if I'm not "ok honey,thanks!", I'm usually just in for more of the same. I struggling with taking care of myself, by myself, 7 pets, all household duties, and thank God my youngest child is 18 now. I don't get the responsibility of the bills, because he refuses to let me see the bank account, but I do know it's in terrible shape, and why.
Please help me. I'm so tired.
I met my husband roughly five years ago, married the last four. When we were dating, he was very upfront about being a recovering alcoholic, with what seemed to be a decent number of sober years under his belt.
Sadly, I did not do my homework.
The first lie I busted him on was shortly after our marriage, apologized for, and moved along past.
He has had an injury, lost his job, bad stuff along our short way. These have been rectified for over a year.
Since all of that, the lies kept coming. Naturally, I was offended...honesty is of utmost importance to me. But they haven't stopped.
At least a year ago, I asked him about being a "dry drunk". He had done his 12 steps, practically has the big book memorized. He admitted to it, nothing was done. Promises made, horrible financial decisions made, my heart hurts.
In the last week, he has decided to go back to AA, told me that honesty started now, and how important it was. I was on cloud nine, with inner reservations...the lies have been so plenty that it's nearly impossible to trust him. He lied to my face just twice this weekend, but later confessed (they were so obvious, I'm not even sure that he felt he had a choice.) I didn't react in any angry fashion this time, and he came to me to apologize. I was thankful.
He works in a town about two hours away, and spends most of the week there, one night at home (at best) during the week. I'm basically forced to trust him during this time. Tonight, he told me he was late in contacting me because he had gone straight from work to a 6:00 PM AA meeting. It didn't feel right, so I looked up the meeting/location times, and it did t add up. When I asked him which one he'd gone to, he became angry at me for not trusting him, and for not staying out of "HIS PROGRAM!!"
I have MS. This is tearing me apart. If I have anything to say besides he's simply wonderful, I run the risk of becoming ill. It's happened more times than I can count. He calls me the poster child for codependency, even though he attends my appointments and fully knows my conditions, respect myself, and stand up for myself. Or at least try..
I haven't started al anon yet. I'm a little belligerent...I know I'm not alone. I'm just really, really tired. I carry the household throughout the week, and he does as he pleases, and I have no way to verify anything, and typically that's not something that would occur to me to do. But I ask one question after what was a decent weekend, albeit with lies...and now I'm left in turmoil. I'm on full disability, he knows exactly what he's doing to me when he is feeling reasonable. He will let me rest, stay by my side. When he's at all agitated, it just doesn't matter to him. I'm up here alone, with petit seizures only so far, but honestly the way he goes for the jugular if I say anything that isn't complimentary makes me question my sanity, and if he's just waiting for me to be tired of it and run away, or have an emergency for him to swoop in as the hero.. I've witnessed him bash me to his family ("in anger...which apparently makes it ok...) and I'm simply at a loss. Having any kind of self-respect most often leaves me paying for it, by myself, until he decides to be contrite. And by then, I'm so upset and have heard it so many times that I don't care. At least I feel like I shouldn't.
There should be all the respect in the world for his disease, but none for mine. I should only talk to him at -fill in the blank- times (which adds up to never) about anything that's bothering me with him, but yet he will attack me verbally even during a relapse, without a care. Most often, I cry myself to sleep, and most times wake up to the same apology message that I've gotten a hundred times over. Naurally, if I'm not "ok honey,thanks!", I'm usually just in for more of the same. I struggling with taking care of myself, by myself, 7 pets, all household duties, and thank God my youngest child is 18 now. I don't get the responsibility of the bills, because he refuses to let me see the bank account, but I do know it's in terrible shape, and why.
Please help me. I'm so tired.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Madison, Alabama
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by soberwolf 
Hi ErinIsTired I have to breathe after reading that I am really sorry your in this situation are you planning on leaving him ?
I honestly don't know what to do. I know the ultimatum route is supposed to be a bad idea. But I also feel he'd just let me go, despite how much he says he loves me and didn't mean the things he said when he was angry.
When I think about it...I simply....can't think. My brain just short-circuits. What to do, where to go, what to say to others, how to afford any of it on basically $1000/mo, with everything in his name now to boot....with the exception of a few major bills, to people like the IRS.. This was my fairy tale after other failed marriages. I've never felt so disillusioned. And I honestly don't know what the success rate for a turnaround for this can be, but it's not looking too swell from what I'm seeing online, and I just don't see taking care of myself, plus modifying my values to suit his...whatever it is he's doing, by his choice or his disease. He can be wonderful. But this other stuff...rips me apart.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Madison, Alabama
Posts: 8
In fairness, he only went back to AA a week ago. He asked me to go to a meeting with him this past Saturday, and I did. It was exhausting to feel the pain from some of the members in the group. Afterwards, I fell asleep for roughly 4 hours. This might be a neat time to mention that I'm on three medications for fatigue; one, the major one, was designed for narcolepsy. But I'd still probably go again next weekend if he came home, wanted me to, and if there was any inkling that it might help him to see that I'm truly rooting for him.
I'm just not sure he's even being honest with himself, or honest at the meetings. I know for sure that he wasn't honest with his daughter when he was mad at me and I made him let me read it. I went so beserk that I was throwing lawn furniture into the pool. And he's done it since (but after only returning to AA for two meetings, and no doubt feeling a lot.) He says he feels a lot of shame and guilt. So why won't he stop? Can he? I took his turning around and confessing this weekend at two lies I caught him in as a wonderful sign; then his immediate anger and defensiveness tonight as notsomuch. I don't know how many meetings it will take for him to see properly again, or if he even will, or did he ever and I was just a fool? All I know anymore is that I'm cracking hard.
I'm just not sure he's even being honest with himself, or honest at the meetings. I know for sure that he wasn't honest with his daughter when he was mad at me and I made him let me read it. I went so beserk that I was throwing lawn furniture into the pool. And he's done it since (but after only returning to AA for two meetings, and no doubt feeling a lot.) He says he feels a lot of shame and guilt. So why won't he stop? Can he? I took his turning around and confessing this weekend at two lies I caught him in as a wonderful sign; then his immediate anger and defensiveness tonight as notsomuch. I don't know how many meetings it will take for him to see properly again, or if he even will, or did he ever and I was just a fool? All I know anymore is that I'm cracking hard.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Madison, Alabama
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus
Welcome to SR, ErinIsTired! I'm sorry for what you're going through but you'll find lots of support here.
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Location: Australia
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Hi and welcome Erin 
I'm sorry for what brings you here but, if it helps, it's true you're not alone
I understand being angry and I understand thinking why should I have tro work on things when it's his problem, but something like AlAnon can really help and I hope you consider it a little more.
Never underestimate the power of a kind words, a strong shoulder or a shared empathy.
you'll find a lot of understanding and experience in this forum too , and in our Family and Friends forums as well
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here but, if it helps, it's true you're not alone
I understand being angry and I understand thinking why should I have tro work on things when it's his problem, but something like AlAnon can really help and I hope you consider it a little more.
Never underestimate the power of a kind words, a strong shoulder or a shared empathy.
you'll find a lot of understanding and experience in this forum too , and in our Family and Friends forums as well
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Madison, Alabama
Posts: 8
I got my apology as expected this morning, but it did seem different. It was absolutely raw. I believed it, and I was supportive., albeit somewhat...cold? It just wasn't dripping with the usual "no, no no! your an amazing man!", boosting him up. Then afterwards, the little douche on my shoulder started whispering about not being foolish more. I'm doing my best to ignore it.
I havent given up on the idea of al anon. The idea is still fresh and new to me, a week old. I'm awkward in social-stranger settings, and when I see pain in others, sometimes I take it on for some reason and feel it also. I hate driving, because of high anxieties, and fear of the absence seizures. But I do plan to go. Going with him to an AA meeting prepared me somewhat, because I seriously had no idea what to expect.
I have, likely, unrealistic views of respect. I mainly dislike the idea because I don't want to get into any kind of spouse-bashing circle. I don't want new things to be suspicious about. Nor do I want to pity him, only he has the power to want to fix himself. All of that aside, I do see how it could help me deal with all of these emotions. I cry when I'm mad, embarrassed, and of course, emotional, and I can't talk aloud when I'm like that, only croaks come out, causing more frustration, confusion, and embarrassment, which of course feeds the beast. MS is just...stupid, Grrr, in how I'm affected in situations like that that kind of call for cognitive function. These are my issues to overcome, for what I can only hope is the greater good. I'm trying to get that first deep breath, and a brave day to put on some Rocky theme music, and just...go. Go and listen until I hopefully feel comfortable. I just don't know that I'd ever feel comfortable talking about how much pain these behaviors have caused me in front of a group. It just feels soooo disrespectful. I'm pretty sure that's not a reasonable way to think, but I feel crummy enough saying these things from the safety of my iPad. Really. It's an issue. But I thought starting here...where I could hide...might help there. I was crying buckets when I was writing all of that last night. No way I could have done it in person without running away sobbing. And then drive home? Seems kinda irresponsible.
Btw...I'm wordy in print. Sorry!!!
I havent given up on the idea of al anon. The idea is still fresh and new to me, a week old. I'm awkward in social-stranger settings, and when I see pain in others, sometimes I take it on for some reason and feel it also. I hate driving, because of high anxieties, and fear of the absence seizures. But I do plan to go. Going with him to an AA meeting prepared me somewhat, because I seriously had no idea what to expect.
I have, likely, unrealistic views of respect. I mainly dislike the idea because I don't want to get into any kind of spouse-bashing circle. I don't want new things to be suspicious about. Nor do I want to pity him, only he has the power to want to fix himself. All of that aside, I do see how it could help me deal with all of these emotions. I cry when I'm mad, embarrassed, and of course, emotional, and I can't talk aloud when I'm like that, only croaks come out, causing more frustration, confusion, and embarrassment, which of course feeds the beast. MS is just...stupid, Grrr, in how I'm affected in situations like that that kind of call for cognitive function. These are my issues to overcome, for what I can only hope is the greater good. I'm trying to get that first deep breath, and a brave day to put on some Rocky theme music, and just...go. Go and listen until I hopefully feel comfortable. I just don't know that I'd ever feel comfortable talking about how much pain these behaviors have caused me in front of a group. It just feels soooo disrespectful. I'm pretty sure that's not a reasonable way to think, but I feel crummy enough saying these things from the safety of my iPad. Really. It's an issue. But I thought starting here...where I could hide...might help there. I was crying buckets when I was writing all of that last night. No way I could have done it in person without running away sobbing. And then drive home? Seems kinda irresponsible.
Btw...I'm wordy in print. Sorry!!!
thankyou!!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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That "smilie" was supposed to look more grateful to tears-ish. But seriously, you guys are great, I'm very thankful. I didn't really expect any replies at all when I wandered in here!
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