Ex's mom, poster girl for untreated codependency
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Ex's mom, poster girl for untreated codependency
OK, so my custody trial is coming up on Thursday. I felt like I had my ducks in a row until this morning. My lawyer called and told me my ex has submitted a police report, filed by his mother in 2013 claiming that I attacked her (exact words were that I "put my hands around her neck and almost knocked her down the stairs" while she was holding our son.
Apparently after we visited his parents to tell them I was leaving with the kids (I thought it would be polite to tell them in person) she went down to the police department and did this. Then she COMPLETELY forgot about it.
I had her listed as a witness for my case, but after thinking about it and talking it over with her husband she decided not to testify. She thought it best not to get involved. I wasn't thrilled, but I understood and told her I respected her decision.
So I called her today and let her know about the report. At first she denied it. I read the report to her and she said, "You're kidding, there wasn't supposed to be any record of it."
I told her I understood why she had done it, but that the damage was done, and it would look especially bad since I had her listed as a witness and she wasn't going to testify.
She said, "But it's not true."
I told her I knew that, but it was going to be my word against a police report in the courtroom on Thursday.
She asked what she could do and I told her she could testify. Said I was sorry, I knew she didn't want to be involved, but that she had involved herself when she filed the report, whatever her actual intentions were at the time.
My lawyer's going to try to get it excluded, so we'll see. I was feeling pretty calm about the whole thing and grateful to have it almost over with until this happened.
I am still boiling inside, but I was a polite and forgivey because I knew it would make her feel worse than if I tore into her. Arrrrgggghhhh!
Apparently after we visited his parents to tell them I was leaving with the kids (I thought it would be polite to tell them in person) she went down to the police department and did this. Then she COMPLETELY forgot about it.
I had her listed as a witness for my case, but after thinking about it and talking it over with her husband she decided not to testify. She thought it best not to get involved. I wasn't thrilled, but I understood and told her I respected her decision.
So I called her today and let her know about the report. At first she denied it. I read the report to her and she said, "You're kidding, there wasn't supposed to be any record of it."
I told her I understood why she had done it, but that the damage was done, and it would look especially bad since I had her listed as a witness and she wasn't going to testify.
She said, "But it's not true."
I told her I knew that, but it was going to be my word against a police report in the courtroom on Thursday.
She asked what she could do and I told her she could testify. Said I was sorry, I knew she didn't want to be involved, but that she had involved herself when she filed the report, whatever her actual intentions were at the time.
My lawyer's going to try to get it excluded, so we'll see. I was feeling pretty calm about the whole thing and grateful to have it almost over with until this happened.
I am still boiling inside, but I was a polite and forgivey because I knew it would make her feel worse than if I tore into her. Arrrrgggghhhh!
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Ha! Not laughing at you at all-laughing with you bc it's so sad. Same could be said for my exs mother-among other things. She actually called the police on me back in April-bc she was "concerned about the well being of her grand kids" (bc her son-her "boy", tested positive for alcohol and I therefore didn't bring then to her house for visitation. Um, yeah....to say I had no words is an understatement.
I'm sorry you are going through this-I pray God will give the judge wisdom and discernment and that the truth will be revealed for your sake and your child's. Good for you on taking the high road. I wish you nothing but the best-please keep us posted on the hearing/trial. Hugs, friend.
I'm sorry you are going through this-I pray God will give the judge wisdom and discernment and that the truth will be revealed for your sake and your child's. Good for you on taking the high road. I wish you nothing but the best-please keep us posted on the hearing/trial. Hugs, friend.
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ladyscribbler.....thank goodness you are able to be so calm and cool under such pressure. And, I KNOW how P****d you must be, inside!
To my thinking.....this is MORE than just co-dependency.....it is criminal to tell a lie like that to the police.
I imagine that this sort of thing happens pretty often.....I hope that your lawyer can intercede on your behalf....
Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
dandylion
To my thinking.....this is MORE than just co-dependency.....it is criminal to tell a lie like that to the police.
I imagine that this sort of thing happens pretty often.....I hope that your lawyer can intercede on your behalf....
Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
dandylion
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Yeah, I'm still steaming, sitting on my hands resisting the urge to call and rant at her. And yes, it is against the law. My ex was there and knows it isn't true, but of course he's not going to speak up on my behalf. Even if his mom does testify for my side, her credibility is going to be in the crapper because of this. "Yes I lied to the police two years ago, but I'm telling the truth NOW." 
This is pretty much their whole narrative for the case. I was violent and abusive to him and others. He drank and stayed out to escape my rages. The whole family knew how horrible I was, etc.
Honestly none of this bad-mouthing of me is relevant to what I'm asking for. He just needs mud to sling at me to deflect from his drinking. Unfortunately his mom just handed him a bunch of ammunition. It's a good thing I'm 750 miles away or I'd be tempted go over there and actually wring her scrawny neck.
This is pretty much their whole narrative for the case. I was violent and abusive to him and others. He drank and stayed out to escape my rages. The whole family knew how horrible I was, etc.
Honestly none of this bad-mouthing of me is relevant to what I'm asking for. He just needs mud to sling at me to deflect from his drinking. Unfortunately his mom just handed him a bunch of ammunition. It's a good thing I'm 750 miles away or I'd be tempted go over there and actually wring her scrawny neck.
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Oh, brother.
Well, I can see not wanting to drag it out in public, but if it came down to my reputation or hers, I know who *I* would rather see dragged through the mud.
Look, she put herself in that position when she made that phone call. It's the chickens coming home to roost, the same way any of us could have a bad decision from the past come up and bite us later.
I'd make sure your lawyer knows EXACTLY what the conversation was, and let him talk to your ex's lawyer about how ugly this can get for dear old mom. Or is the nitwit representing himself? If so, your lawyer can let HIM know how ugly this can get for dear old mom if he insists on putting it out there.
If push comes to shove, by all means testify to the truth, including your conversation with mom, and let the chips fall where they may. You can soften it by saying you are VERY reluctant to have to say this, but that HE gave you no option, by trying to present this piece of garbage against you.
Incidentally--wow, I was forgetting for a second that I'm a lawyer. The police report is hearsay. The only way this incident gets in front of the judge is if a witness to the incident (i.e., mom) TESTIFIES to it. The report itself is inadmissible.
Whew. I think you should be OK--it doesn't sound like she's willing to come in and lie on his behalf.
Well, I can see not wanting to drag it out in public, but if it came down to my reputation or hers, I know who *I* would rather see dragged through the mud.
Look, she put herself in that position when she made that phone call. It's the chickens coming home to roost, the same way any of us could have a bad decision from the past come up and bite us later.
I'd make sure your lawyer knows EXACTLY what the conversation was, and let him talk to your ex's lawyer about how ugly this can get for dear old mom. Or is the nitwit representing himself? If so, your lawyer can let HIM know how ugly this can get for dear old mom if he insists on putting it out there.
If push comes to shove, by all means testify to the truth, including your conversation with mom, and let the chips fall where they may. You can soften it by saying you are VERY reluctant to have to say this, but that HE gave you no option, by trying to present this piece of garbage against you.
Incidentally--wow, I was forgetting for a second that I'm a lawyer. The police report is hearsay. The only way this incident gets in front of the judge is if a witness to the incident (i.e., mom) TESTIFIES to it. The report itself is inadmissible.
Whew. I think you should be OK--it doesn't sound like she's willing to come in and lie on his behalf.
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The thing is, he's estranged from his mom, so threatening her doesn't really help me. My ex and his wife are going to be there in person, and they're both on the witness list. Mom was supposed to testify by telephone on my behalf because she supervised my ex's last visit with our son when they had to throw him out of the house because he got blackout drunk and was up in the middle of the night raging at our son. If she hadn't done this crap, she would have been really helpful to my case. I told my lawyer everything, and he also spoke to mommy dearest, so he knows what's going on.
The thing is, my ex was there and I'm sure he'll have no qualms about lying to make me look bad, so he actually might be able to have it admitted. We'll see.
The thing is, my ex was there and I'm sure he'll have no qualms about lying to make me look bad, so he actually might be able to have it admitted. We'll see.
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Even if he testifies, the police report is inadmissible. The only way it could come in is if it has a direct quote from him about what happened, in which case the OFFICER could be called to testify to "rebut a charge of recent fabrication"--in other words, to show that he made a consistent statement at a previous time. The report can't be introduced on its own. It's the hearsay statement of the officer, reporting the hearsay statement(s) of witnesses.
So unless he calls the officer, the report ain't coming in. And even then, the officer can only testify to a consistent statement your ex made at the time.
Seriously, tell your lawyer to object on hearsay grounds. A large portion of the practicing bar doesn't "get" the hearsay rule. Hopefully yours does.
So unless he calls the officer, the report ain't coming in. And even then, the officer can only testify to a consistent statement your ex made at the time.
Seriously, tell your lawyer to object on hearsay grounds. A large portion of the practicing bar doesn't "get" the hearsay rule. Hopefully yours does.
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He's objecting to all my ex's evidence on hearsay grounds, because that's all he really has, this report and a thing from the wife's oldest daughter about how I worship the devil, eat puppies, beat on old ladies and was rude to her on the phone-twice. He's just desperate to get the focus off his drinking. I know that.
I shouldn't be letting this rattle me. It was just such a shock to realize that she would go so far as to lie to the police because she was angry with me. It's insane.
That's what this is really about. I'm recovering and they're not. The truth is on my side. I just needed to vent so I didn't explode. Glad I've got my Alanon meeting tomorrow.
Thanks all for talking me down. Two more days till I cross the finish line on this thing. Up until today my biggest worry was what to wear. I have a dearth of "professional" clothes, so I went out and bought a dress. I've decided to go the Kate Middleton route, minus the eye makeup overkill and the goofy hat.
I shouldn't be letting this rattle me. It was just such a shock to realize that she would go so far as to lie to the police because she was angry with me. It's insane.
That's what this is really about. I'm recovering and they're not. The truth is on my side. I just needed to vent so I didn't explode. Glad I've got my Alanon meeting tomorrow.
Thanks all for talking me down. Two more days till I cross the finish line on this thing. Up until today my biggest worry was what to wear. I have a dearth of "professional" clothes, so I went out and bought a dress. I've decided to go the Kate Middleton route, minus the eye makeup overkill and the goofy hat.
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Ah, gotcha.
Well, it gave me a chance to exercise my hearsay objections.
In my current job I'm not in the courtroom, but I will sometimes find myself, when I'm answering a question at a training, running through my mental Rules of Evidence (which are surprisingly often pretty close to the ACTUAL Rules of Evidence)--glad those law school classes didn't go entirely to waste.
I just hope nobody here has any issues related to the Rule Against Perpetuities. You're on your own with that one.
You'll be fine, remember, he's full of hot air and not a lot more. Judges see through it--guys like him are a dime a dozen.
Well, it gave me a chance to exercise my hearsay objections.
In my current job I'm not in the courtroom, but I will sometimes find myself, when I'm answering a question at a training, running through my mental Rules of Evidence (which are surprisingly often pretty close to the ACTUAL Rules of Evidence)--glad those law school classes didn't go entirely to waste.I just hope nobody here has any issues related to the Rule Against Perpetuities. You're on your own with that one.
You'll be fine, remember, he's full of hot air and not a lot more. Judges see through it--guys like him are a dime a dozen.
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Oh Lady, I'm furious for you. This is such crap, such a time-wasting, steaming pile of BS. (But I feel better after reading Lexi's comments!)
You don't deserve this, I hope now she's really thinking about the implications of her rash actions. You're right though - this is a perfect example of how unchecked codependency is as bad as any other dysfunctional state we could compare it to.
Where's Hammer when you need him? I've got a total visual of his favorite example - poop-throwing monkeys. Big, quacking monkeys. When things get too serious in that courtroom, remember - Quacking Monkeys. A whole lotta sound & fury amounting to a whole lotta nothin'.
You'll be in my thoughts & prayers!!
You don't deserve this, I hope now she's really thinking about the implications of her rash actions. You're right though - this is a perfect example of how unchecked codependency is as bad as any other dysfunctional state we could compare it to.
Where's Hammer when you need him? I've got a total visual of his favorite example - poop-throwing monkeys. Big, quacking monkeys. When things get too serious in that courtroom, remember - Quacking Monkeys. A whole lotta sound & fury amounting to a whole lotta nothin'.
You'll be in my thoughts & prayers!!
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@ FS, yeah, she's regretting it now. She had honestly forgotten that she had done it until it came up today. Then she sounded like a little girl blaming the police, "They weren't supposed to make a report, blah blah."
I read the thing and it said she wasn't filing charges, she just wanted to "document the incident." I was like, well what do you think "document" means?
Of course she never filed charges against anyone who actually hurt or threatened her, like my ex and his wife. She just called me to complain and cry.
This makes me want to start sending her Alanon literature again.
I'm trying to quit, honest. It's my New Year's resolution.
I read the thing and it said she wasn't filing charges, she just wanted to "document the incident." I was like, well what do you think "document" means?
Of course she never filed charges against anyone who actually hurt or threatened her, like my ex and his wife. She just called me to complain and cry.
This makes me want to start sending her Alanon literature again.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
ladyscribbler.....vent all you want!!!!!
(but, you shouldn't really be eating puppies)......
dandylion
(but, you shouldn't really be eating puppies)......
dandylion
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Seriously-I think your ex mil and my ex mil should hang out-they would be fast friends!! I also tried to pursuade my mil to go to alanon to help herself-I was called crazy, among other lovelies. But she would talk about how awful her husband was-every single time I was at their house-it was non stop victim playing-woe is me-and then putting every ounce of responsibility on her favorite boy-my ex-to take care of her forever. Funny, too-I witnessed at least ten different incidents of verbal and physical abuse by my father in law and not once did she call the cops on him-but she called the cops on me?!? Yep-pure insanity and delerium. Sick, I tell you! I don't know about you but I thank God each day that He have me the courage to leave...Bleh! You will rock it in court-please keep us updated. I'll be thinking of you
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