slowclimb

Does anyone else struggle with differentiating between enabling the A and taking care of what needs to be done so that you and the kids don't go down?

I'm currently a SAHM and basically do almost everything except earn a paycheck. I used to do even more but since AH's drinking has escalated and my own aging parents need more help I have cut back on the things that in our house were usually his domain. I no longer do yard work voluntarily unless it's what I want (ie food and flower gardening). However if he forgets to take the garbage out I do that (not doing so would negatively impact me and the kids - yucky)

I do make AH's lunch everyday - I always have and if I don't then he spends money that we don't have - also a negative impact on me and the kids. He is supposed to take DS to soccer but if he opts out due to being drunk or hungover then I will as it's not fair to DS to miss it because dad is an A.

Just wondering what others do to draw that line. I'm sure it's different in every family but sometimes I think I'm still enabling too much....or maybe I'm too controlling or fearful to let go.

LexieCat

I think I'd draw the line at making his lunch, personally. The trash and taking your son to soccer are things you are doing for yourself and your family.

So he spends money on lunch. He's spending it on alcohol, too, right? The economic aspects are something you may just have to live with until you figure something else out.

Would he be amenable to a budget that gives him "x" amount of discretionary money for lunches or "incidentals" per week? Maybe he can do some economizing of his own. Of course, discretionary means discretionary--if he chooses to drink rather than eat lunch, you can't complain.

dandylion

slowclimb......I think you have already got it pretty much figured out......

about the lunch...I see that as scenario dependent. If he is going to dip even further into the household budget....meaning you and the kids going without---and you don't mind doing it---and you have always done it.....then I say use your own best judgement....
Not enabling is not the same thing as "punishing" the alcoholic (even though you may secretly want to...lol).

dandylion

Eauchiche

How terrible is this disease!!!!
We have to second guess every little thing. Normies make their mates' lunch as a token of kindness.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a wonderful person. I pray some miracle of sobriety happens for your AH so he doesn't lose you.

happybeingme

I think you are fine. To me enabling would be buying him booze because he lost his license and can't drive himself. Calling him out of work sick. Making excuses for him when he misses family functions. Do what you need to to make you and the kids comfortable. Don't get too hung up on what is and isn't enabling

Mango blast

((((slowclimb))))

I love this topic. It's been quite a conundrum for me. Progress, not perfection.

What I've found through Alanon and working the steps with a sponsor, is that often it's my intent behind what I'm doing. Am I being a martyr? Am I being honest with myself and others, asking for what I need, then taking care of matters if this very ill person in my life isn't capable of stepping up? Am I helping out when being asked, or am I trying to anticipate problems and manage or control other people?

I so very often try to manipulate others or their emotions/reactions without realizing it.

There's been a big difference for me when I'm acting out of fear, or working my own recovery program and learning how to empower myself and let fear go (much more often...)

Topic on Saturday was on detaching with love, during which I kept hearing about being spiritually fit. Yesterday morning I was in a place of fear, so I worked on things I'm finding that help keep me spiritually fit. It could have been a stressful day full of anxiety. Instead I had a really good day. One day at a time.

It sounds like you're in a pretty healthy place in your own thinking and actions. How have you been feeling lately?

Refiner

I would start making him really icky lunches (her hee)

slowclimb

Thanks for all your replies. I think the two concepts that struck me the most were "not enabling vs punishing" and anticipating problems.

Ok so yes sometimes I do want to NOT do things for him as punishment. The lunch thing....I've done that for the entire 26 years we've been married. Even when I worked and made more money than him. I like to cook and I like to feed people. He also works a job where he isn't able to leave the job site unattended (manhole and street work) I think not making his lunch (or making icky ones lol) would be punishment.

What I realized is that I do handle things differently when I anticipate he will be drunk or unavailable. Like with the soccer practices or the family events - I honestly have very few expectations of him at all. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to hold him more accountable...but then again we all know what happens when we place expectations on an A - disappointment and hurt feelings.

Just pondering things...nothing critical and it seems like I'm doing the right things for the most part to take care of me and the kids.

Thanks again....have a nice day all!!

slowclimb

I wanted to add that I used to lie for him and make up stories about why he wasn't available or if he was in bed at 630 when someone called him. I don't lie for him anymore - sometimes though since I don't want to lie and don't want to tell anyone I avoid people in certain circumstances.

THippy

Slowclimb, I'm having the exact same trouble finding the line between the two.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping we can both figure it out.

Dimndaruf

I too struggled with this for years! We have 2 small children together and I was always caught between "enabling" and "the right thing to do".
We each would drop 1 child off to school/day care as they were in 2 different locations but days where he was hung over I was left to drop them both off and then go to work. I would be late to work sometimes and I HATED when he did this to us. I would then have to pick them both up after work sometimes also. Then to have to come home and cook/feed the kids....exhausting. When I would tell his mother about his lack of help she would tell me that I'm complaining about my motherly duties and it was my job to do these things!!! Really?? I would clean up whatever messes he made, not because I wanted to but because I didn't want my kids being affected by his "mess". His mother would tell me to not let him leave the house or to take the car keys from him (he's 200lbs, 6ft 1), like I could really do that!

I would do anything to help ensure that he didn't lose his job; that meant waking him up for work, taking both the kids when he was running late, avoiding any things or conversations that may encourage him to drink excessively (that never really works, they'll always find something),etc. I could go on....but my point is that when you have a house to run it is very hard to draw the line between the two. I feared that I had a duty to keep the house functioning by any means, if he lost his job we would have no healthcare and our finances would be tremendously diminished.

I was like a 24 watch dog and fixer upper. It became too tiresome of a job so I had to opt for the best thing for me and my kids...

atalose

I know your concern is enabling or not enabling and the not quit always knowing exactly which is which.

There are many ways we enable so that they continue the comfort of drinking. Sure should he be responsible enough to make his own lunch, you bet but if you are already making lunches for your kids why not one for him as well. Should be step up and be a responsible parent and drive his child to sports practice, you bet but not drunk or hung over and unwilling.

Those are the realities of living a life with an alcoholic. You just can never count on them for anything, can’t have expectations of things that should be but instead an acceptable of how they are.

As you mentioned his drinking is progressing which it will continue to do. Many more things shall become burdensome to you as he progresses.

Preparing yourself for things to come is your best option. Learning NOT to count on him is your best bet.

cynical one

Instead of splitting hairs trying to distinguish what is enabling, can you work towards getting yourself in a position where you no longer have to rely on him financially?

Dimndaruf

Cyn1... This is critical. I realized this a year ago when my husband relapsed and was in denial about getting help. I too began to relapse emotionally, the scars that were just beginning to heal were opened back up, with salt in them!! The emotional abuse began again I knew that I had to prepare myself for the worst and get in a position to be ok by myself. I started looking for a higher paying job with affordable benefits in case my husband lost his job. I started looking at houses to invest in and GOD laid the path that I was asking for....within months I found a job paying more than what I was earning and they would pay for my benefits if I needed. I found a 2fam house that I eventually closed on to help me bring in some additional income. My husband saw me progressing and he was so jealous, all the years of him accusing me of planning an "exit strategy" was finally true! I no longer needed him and he couldn't stand it!! More importantly I was growing, once I started thinking with my head and stopped thinking with my heart I was able to take steps to better my life for me and my children. No was back on the road to feeling good about myself, loving me again and regaining my self esteem.