He doen it again...Did I mess up???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Murrells Inlet, SC
Posts: 8
He doen it again...Did I mess up???
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My AH husband had went for almost a week with very little to drink. I could only tell that he had a few by kissing him. I was so proud of him and I told him often to let him that I noticed it, but last night that changed. He and one of his co-workers (they work out in the field) drank all day long and by the time that he got home (2 hrs after getting off work) and he could barely walk in the door. I was so furious that I didnt speak to him, because I knew that if I said anything we would argue. But then he got mad at me for not talking to him. I went to cook him dinner to get away from him and he called it slop and threw it. He went to get into his truck to drive off, but I fought and fought and I got the keys away from him. He then grabbed a knife from my kitchen and said he should end it all so I had to fight to get away the knife and then hide all the knives in the house. He said a lot of things that hurt my feelings. I found a purse in his truck that had a rain suit in it but he kept telling me that it belongs to the other guy who works with him. I cut loose and said well if he carrys a girls purse there is something wrong with him. Then one thing led to another as Im sure you can imagine and we got into a huge fight, but it worked out because he went to the bedroom to get away from me and passed out. I let him know that I am tired of having a son I want a husband. With this fight I only lost a few flower vases and one window. Maybe it is getting better.
Did I mess up by fighting back? Im just so tired of this happening. I dont think that I can take it much more.
My AH husband had went for almost a week with very little to drink. I could only tell that he had a few by kissing him. I was so proud of him and I told him often to let him that I noticed it, but last night that changed. He and one of his co-workers (they work out in the field) drank all day long and by the time that he got home (2 hrs after getting off work) and he could barely walk in the door. I was so furious that I didnt speak to him, because I knew that if I said anything we would argue. But then he got mad at me for not talking to him. I went to cook him dinner to get away from him and he called it slop and threw it. He went to get into his truck to drive off, but I fought and fought and I got the keys away from him. He then grabbed a knife from my kitchen and said he should end it all so I had to fight to get away the knife and then hide all the knives in the house. He said a lot of things that hurt my feelings. I found a purse in his truck that had a rain suit in it but he kept telling me that it belongs to the other guy who works with him. I cut loose and said well if he carrys a girls purse there is something wrong with him. Then one thing led to another as Im sure you can imagine and we got into a huge fight, but it worked out because he went to the bedroom to get away from me and passed out. I let him know that I am tired of having a son I want a husband. With this fight I only lost a few flower vases and one window. Maybe it is getting better.
Did I mess up by fighting back? Im just so tired of this happening. I dont think that I can take it much more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Greeneyes, I can't really answer your question but I will tell you what I have done. In the past my AH has been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me and my oldest son. At first I would fight with him and it seemed to make him worse but at least after he passed out and woke up the next day he remembered what had happened and generally felt terrible (not that it mattered). I got real tired of the constant battles and tired not fighting back, I would remain calm and talk to him which just made him angrier but at least he didn't hit anyone. The thing about that is several times after he woke up the next day he would not remember (or claim not to remember) what had happened. With the second approach my house generally didn't get destroyed so I tended to believe it was the best way to handle things. I am sorry you are having to go through this.
Hugs
Kat
Hugs
Kat
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Arguing with a drunk is a waste of time and energy. He probably doesn't remember a thing today anyway!
So in answering your question, yes you did mess up by fighting back. If you are tired of this happening and can't take much more of it, then go to Al-anon and get into recovery yourself. There is nothing you can do for him, he has to do it for himself.
Get mad at yourself for continuing this madness.
So in answering your question, yes you did mess up by fighting back. If you are tired of this happening and can't take much more of it, then go to Al-anon and get into recovery yourself. There is nothing you can do for him, he has to do it for himself.
Get mad at yourself for continuing this madness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 28
Greeneyes, I have to agree with the others. It's really hard not to fight back or not to match the A's angry words, but it's easier to vent here than vent to a drunk - he's drunk, talking, begging, arguing, does no good...and he won't remember any of it any way. I have learned the hard way to steer clear of my AH when he is drunk. I go to the bedroom - if he follows (he usually does), I go to another room or leave (and yes, I hide the keys from my AH too). Take care of yourself!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Gwenyth,
Welcome to SR. There are a lot of caring people here. I am glad that you could join us. Dealing with alcoholism is frustrating, scary, and lonely. But here I have found that we don't have to do it alone. Together we support each other. I have found much serenity and recovery here, and in the Al-Anon program. I have found healing and serenity. The main thing is that we don't have to deal with this alone. And if we chose, we can learn to find serenity and even happiness regardless of the choices that others make.
Hope you find this board as helpful as I have. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. There is some great information there. Hugs, Magic
Welcome to SR. There are a lot of caring people here. I am glad that you could join us. Dealing with alcoholism is frustrating, scary, and lonely. But here I have found that we don't have to do it alone. Together we support each other. I have found much serenity and recovery here, and in the Al-Anon program. I have found healing and serenity. The main thing is that we don't have to deal with this alone. And if we chose, we can learn to find serenity and even happiness regardless of the choices that others make.
Hope you find this board as helpful as I have. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. There is some great information there. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
I have tried both ways too and have found that the path of least resistance works best for me. My anger only escalates his. If he has been drinking then its a no-brainer, I don't even talk to him. If he is just in one of his moods, I try very hard to listen to what he is saying instead of trying to respond.
It really is hard having to keep the relationship going when it seems so one-sided. All give and rarely anything positive back, but hey, I guess its my choice. I find other people and interests to fill the void. Life can't be any fun for him either.
It really is hard having to keep the relationship going when it seems so one-sided. All give and rarely anything positive back, but hey, I guess its my choice. I find other people and interests to fill the void. Life can't be any fun for him either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Murrells Inlet, SC
Posts: 8
I try so hard not to snap back. It hurts for someone to get up in my face and call me names. I break. I first get upset that he promises to quit drinking then will go on a drinking bindge all day and come home and argue with me. I dont buy it for him or make him drink, but I get the all the pain from it and its not fair. Like last night he wouldnt even talk to me I went to bed and he didnt and this morning he only told me bye and that no he would not stop by the store for me. I also noticed that he had erased all the received and dialed numbers out of his cell phone, which can only make me wonder why.
I try to talk to him when hes sober about it but he refuses. He strongly denies that he has a problem. I have tried to turn it around by saying that I know he doesnt have a problem but if we work on it now there wont be a problem in the future but his normal reaction is a laugh and he walks away. As far as Al-anon goes I would love to go to a meeting, but he wont let me. He gets very offensive when I mention it to him. If he ever found out that I was sneaking there would be hell to pay. I refuse to tell our families about this because I dont want my family to think less of him or his family to blame me. Only 2 people that I work with know about him because they have seen the bruises, I mean how many times can you fall down???
So in a sense my new friends here are all that I can talk to. I really appreciate all of you here taking time to listen and help me. I consider you my angels. Thank you
I try to talk to him when hes sober about it but he refuses. He strongly denies that he has a problem. I have tried to turn it around by saying that I know he doesnt have a problem but if we work on it now there wont be a problem in the future but his normal reaction is a laugh and he walks away. As far as Al-anon goes I would love to go to a meeting, but he wont let me. He gets very offensive when I mention it to him. If he ever found out that I was sneaking there would be hell to pay. I refuse to tell our families about this because I dont want my family to think less of him or his family to blame me. Only 2 people that I work with know about him because they have seen the bruises, I mean how many times can you fall down???
So in a sense my new friends here are all that I can talk to. I really appreciate all of you here taking time to listen and help me. I consider you my angels. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Oh Greeneyes! Welcome to codependency! I have had nights like yours before too. You have to set some ground rules here. He is your husband not your dictator! He can not & should not tell you that you should not go to an al-anon meeting. I would assume he gets defensive with you when you talk about it because he knows he's becoming a terror to live with. By you going to al-anon, you are admiting that he has a problem & you are seeking out a way to try and heal your pain that he is causing.
As far as families go, I have found it most helpful to talk with my in-laws about it. I like you don't want my family to dislike him because of his actions. So what do we do, hide it! We aren't doing wrong Greeneyes, they are. And if they don't want us talking to friends and family about our day, they then should be more careful about their own actions. If he did something wonderful would he care if you blabbed it to your family then. I think not, he would expect you to be singing his praises.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but you have to worry about yourself here. I know it's hard to do. But he should realize it when he wakes up from his drunken stupers when there is broken glass laying around. Something has to stop now. I am living in your shoes now & trying to figure out a way to regain my sanity & self worth. Living with an alcoholic is emotionally draining. Go out and find some things to do for yourself. He should be happy that you want to do that, if he isn't, then you really have problems. A marriage is about sharing life, not one person dictating the life of the other.
I wish you the very best of luck here. I know it's easier said then done, but try to focus on yourself Greeneyes!!
As far as families go, I have found it most helpful to talk with my in-laws about it. I like you don't want my family to dislike him because of his actions. So what do we do, hide it! We aren't doing wrong Greeneyes, they are. And if they don't want us talking to friends and family about our day, they then should be more careful about their own actions. If he did something wonderful would he care if you blabbed it to your family then. I think not, he would expect you to be singing his praises.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but you have to worry about yourself here. I know it's hard to do. But he should realize it when he wakes up from his drunken stupers when there is broken glass laying around. Something has to stop now. I am living in your shoes now & trying to figure out a way to regain my sanity & self worth. Living with an alcoholic is emotionally draining. Go out and find some things to do for yourself. He should be happy that you want to do that, if he isn't, then you really have problems. A marriage is about sharing life, not one person dictating the life of the other.
I wish you the very best of luck here. I know it's easier said then done, but try to focus on yourself Greeneyes!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Greeneyes,
What do you mean he won't let you? It's YOU that's important in all of this. Of course he gets offensive when you mention it - it means he has to face up to the fact that he has a problem. You don't need to sneak, you have every right to get help for you. If he can't deal with that, then that's his problem.
Keep reading and keep posting.
Stay safe
Minnie
xxxxxx
What do you mean he won't let you? It's YOU that's important in all of this. Of course he gets offensive when you mention it - it means he has to face up to the fact that he has a problem. You don't need to sneak, you have every right to get help for you. If he can't deal with that, then that's his problem.
Keep reading and keep posting.
Stay safe
Minnie
xxxxxx
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
greeneyes,
Al-Anon doesn't give advice on anything except on physical abuse. Please don't allow yourself to stay in a dangerous situation. Forget what other people will think. You need to take care of you! Anyone who is prone to violence when they are drinking is capable of anything. They don't have control of themself, and that puts you in mortal danger. You probably have a lot of denial about abuse. We all minimize our situation to be able to tolerate it. But please please please get some help. We may be your friends, but we can't help you with that. Whatever it takes, secrecy, sneaking, whatever, you need some contact with people who can help you.
Emotional abuse can be deflected with a change of attitude and learning to love ourself. But physical abuse can't. There are people here who have been nearly beaten to death because they didn't take this advice. You don't have to let that happen. I hope that you will be able to find the strength to love yourself enough to stop this. You are a good person who deserves a chance. Hugs, Magic
Al-Anon doesn't give advice on anything except on physical abuse. Please don't allow yourself to stay in a dangerous situation. Forget what other people will think. You need to take care of you! Anyone who is prone to violence when they are drinking is capable of anything. They don't have control of themself, and that puts you in mortal danger. You probably have a lot of denial about abuse. We all minimize our situation to be able to tolerate it. But please please please get some help. We may be your friends, but we can't help you with that. Whatever it takes, secrecy, sneaking, whatever, you need some contact with people who can help you.
Emotional abuse can be deflected with a change of attitude and learning to love ourself. But physical abuse can't. There are people here who have been nearly beaten to death because they didn't take this advice. You don't have to let that happen. I hope that you will be able to find the strength to love yourself enough to stop this. You are a good person who deserves a chance. Hugs, Magic
Castaway
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 783
Hi Greeneyes,
I'd be upset too. You were a great support to him and he just couldn't meet the challenge. It's so typical of us alcoholics to give it the old college try and then fumble the ball at the 5 yard line. It looks like he might be trying to give alcohol up, but he still has a lot to work on. He may fumble a few more times before his drinking stops. It's wonderful that you support him and don't add to it. Alcohol changes a nice person into an awful person, so what you witnessed was the alcohol talking...not him. Alcohol is a curse. Take care of yourself and hopefully he'll come around and try to abstain again.
Prayers,
Sandy
I'd be upset too. You were a great support to him and he just couldn't meet the challenge. It's so typical of us alcoholics to give it the old college try and then fumble the ball at the 5 yard line. It looks like he might be trying to give alcohol up, but he still has a lot to work on. He may fumble a few more times before his drinking stops. It's wonderful that you support him and don't add to it. Alcohol changes a nice person into an awful person, so what you witnessed was the alcohol talking...not him. Alcohol is a curse. Take care of yourself and hopefully he'll come around and try to abstain again.
Prayers,
Sandy
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