Butterfly

Lately this keeps coming into my head. Was his drinking that bad? Did I make it worse than it was because I'm anxious and obsessive? Maybe if I had been more relaxed, not as controlling? He didn't drink every night, he was a binge drinker, went to work, but were my expectations so high that he couldn't possibly live up to them? I have realised that I have high expectations of myself and of others. I struggle with understanding how people can be so mean, disrespectful and how they can use people and I struggle with the whole dating thing and people not being honest and walking away without a sorry it's not for me!!!!

I've been thinking about him recently, stbxah, and I guess missing him, having him here to talk to, to snuggle up with, tell me he loves me. We were together almost 18years. This man was my best friend, he knew my deepest fears and secrets, things I would never tell anyone and I could talk to him about my anxieties. He could be kind, loving and thoughtful and I miss him. Or was/is my perception of what a best friend/healthy relationship distorted?

I have also been wondering, the old friend, dating again and focusing on that has that been so I don't have to think about my marriage and my own thoughts and feelings about it. It's nice to focus on something else for a while, not the crazy obsessive stuff but anything else but stbxah and my feelings. Sometimes I just feel emotionally exhausted with it all. Does anyone else ever feel that way? Silly question I'm sure everyone does. I just don't know how to move forward and I thought dating would help, actually living my recovery as all I have done is hide away, but that didn't work as it has just added to my feelings of rejection.

I know I have made progress, when stbxah told me several times this week that he has f**ked up with me, I didn't tell him he hasn't, it's never too late, il always be here. Huge realisation to me as in the past I would have so he would know I'm here, but I didn't, and I think that was what he was looking to see if that is what I would say. Or maybe he wasn't. Who knows. BUT if he was to tell me that today I think I might tell him it's not too late.

So much to try and work out!!

redatlanta

From your very first post:

My husband is an alcoholic always has been since before we met but I thought back then that he's young it's not a problem even when he disappeared for days on end due to drink and drugs! Throughout the years he has left me 5 times which in have recently found out was to protect the places he went to drink. The first time was because he became so violent I couldn't have him in the home I was so scared of him. He won me back by saying he had sought help and would not be drinking again!! The second time a family member was grieving and he HAD to stay with her to support her but really he drank every night and when I started to question after several months why he wasn't at home and he needed to be home he left! Again he came back promising me the world and how he would get help with his drinking.

The third time was nearly 2 years ago and about a year before that he began to mix with a bad group of friends and he began to drink very heavily and became aggressive after he had been round them they made me very anxious and despite telling him my fears and confronting him about his behaviour he left cos I was being demanding and he had done nothing wrong. Again he came back but only because I agreed that I wouldn't say a word about his friends. Emotionally I was in a bad place and didn't think I would survive without him. I would have done anything to keep him. He eventually stopped seeing these friends but it was when he wanted to not cos of my anxieties.

The fourth time was approximately 5 weeks ago when he came home after being out all night drinking said I don't love you anymore I'm leaving and away he went and drank all day again. He came back the next day saying how sorry he was how he couldn't believe he almost chose drink over me and how he was determined to get help. 2 weeks later we got an offer on our home and that day he told me over the phone that he was leaving he wanted to do his own thing.

Now you tell me, do you think your husbands drinking was really just normal drinking, and you were obsessing over something that really was not a problem?

Its funny, when you have been seeing the Old Friend and the other guy there is no mention - not ONE word about STBXAH. Now that old and new friend are gone suddenly you are back to romanticizing your husband and contemplating getting back together with him.

Do you recognize this is an issue? That you have issues being alone?

If your husband wants to be with you he will let you know. I promise. Nothing has changed btw, he is still an alcoholic . He has barely spoken with you in well over a year.

Really Butterfly, if you want to get back with your husband then be honest with yourself about WHY you want to. Trying to convince yourself he really doesn't have an alcohol problem is a big-red-flag.

ladyscribbler

Things were never as bad as I thought they were. They were worse. I was an expert at minimizing all the horrible things about life with my ex. Going through my journals with my lawyer last week reminded me of things I'd totally forgotten. Incidents that would probably be etched forever on a normal person's brain I had completely glossed over or blocked out.
I used to "get over" my unhealthy relationships by immediately jumping into a new one, kind of like an alcoholic starting a new binge before they're over their last hangover. I kept myself locked in the same sick cycle, never getting to the root of WHY I was in those relationships, why I thought I NEEDED to be in a relationship, no matter how unhappy it was. I was so desperate for those little scraps and crumbs of affection that I would put up with pretty much anything to get them.
A huge part of my recovery has actually been not dating, not trying to find a new relationship, but learning to be happy and comfortable with myself alone. I'm not stuffing away all those sad, scary, uncomfortable feelings or burying them in the euphoria of a new relationship.
(((Butterfly)))

happybeingme

Butterfly, it was worse than you remember it. His drinking was only part of the problem. The two of you have spent nearly half of your marriage separated. Half. What is it that you dislike about yourself so much you would accept that?

I know you are waiting to work with a therapist but you should really look into ACOA. Until you can get to the root cause of your problems you won't be able to have a good relationship with anyone. At the very least start visiting the Adult children forum here. It doesn't have a lot of daily action but when someone new comes everyone pops in.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone,

Red I know this is a red flag, I don't like being on my own and yes need to be in a relationship to feel good about myself. I have realised this. I deleted my profile from the dating websites and am determined to focus on me for a while, although almost created it again last night!! I have been so focused on stbxah, old friend then new guy and yes back to stbxah but he has never been far from my mind and I have mentioned him in posts even about the other guys.

I never felt that I belonged anywhere, with my family I felt unloved and unwanted, with friends, they were friends as I could do something for them or they felt sorry for me. Stbxah always said "you belong to me". Maybe I'm trying to find somewhere no someone to belong to.

Lady, yes I jumped from unhealthy relationship to another even before I met stbxah. I do not know what a healthy relationship is.

Happy, my parents weren't alcoholics so I don't feel I could post on the ACOA site. Why would I accept this? I don't know, when we were together it was because he always told me he loved me and I felt well ,he loves me that's enough, I know it's not and to be honest I've been battling with myself because even when I was thinking all these thoughts and when we were talking this week I knew I would never take him back that I didn't want to take him back but my insecurities about it being my fault and making a bigger issue than it was are more powerful.

Hawkeye13

You can't fill the hole inside yourself with other people.
It is parallel to not being able to stop drinking for an alcoholic.

They have to do it for themselves, and so do you.
However, you have grown so much you on on track to do this.
Just keep being honest with yourself about what's going on.

The therapist really seems to help you process--is she back soon?
You are a wonderful woman and learning to love yourself is so worth it.


p.s. what is the latest on divorce petition? Himself saying yet again all "it's my fault" seems
like he's trying to keep things from moving forward.

What is the next strong legal step you can take to push this thing along?
Getting it over with will help you heal.

redatlanta

If you want to split hairs .....perhaps you mentioned him, if so it was in regards to his failure to respond to legal papers. It was not about wishing you could get back together. That's what I meant.

Anyone who believes they did not contribute to the end of a marriage is fooling themselves. You take it to the extreme to say could it have been all your fault? No, not when another person is in involved it can't be all your fault. I am sure your obsessiveness and anxiety did contribute to problems in the marriage outside of your husband's alcoholism. All marriages have "issues" every-last-one of them.

When your mind goes to the extreme of thinking its "all your fault" I think you are going down the path of "well if its ALL my fault then if I change, then I can repair the relationship". I suppose that would possible be true, you control it all you can repair it all. Except its not all your fault and you don't have that much power for it to be all your fault.

In healthy relationships problems are addressed. Negotiations occur, compromises are made, situations are changed. One of the many problems in your situation is your husband ran....he has left you 5 times. I'm throwing my hands up in the air here in Atlanta, Ga! This is an unwilling partner do you understand that? Your husband's mantra was "this is who I am, accept it or leave it". When you are dealing with really crappy behavior, and that's what you are offered, you accept doormat status in your relationship.

Did you ever leave your husband while you were married? Disappear for a couple months? Leave him with 2 kids and a home to manage? Do you think things would be any different? What it would take to right this relationship (if even possible) would be extraordinary amounts of therapy and two people working their tails off to correct their behavior and thought patterns and dynamics of their very long relationship. Whew, I am tired just reading that sentence.

You have never been given any indication that your husband would do this. Saying your sorry about behavior doesn't mean anything other than I am sorry. Its nice that he has recognized that he did horrible things to you and your family. Do you really want to give him chance 1000 to do it again?

happybeingme

Just so you know the group is actually called Adult Children of Alcoholics and other family dysfunctions. The title is too cumbersome so they just call it ACOA or Adult children. I use that forum because I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home where neglect was prevalent.

Here is the thing. If you lacked something in your childhood you have to go back and address it. You can't move forward until you do. In the forum here we don't compare ourselves to each other. We don't say " well I didn't have it that bad." We accept each other's wounds and work to help each other heal. The child within needs healing

DesertEyes

This is the link to the SR forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA)

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Mike

ShootingStar1

Butterfly, put yourself in the center of the circle. Not your ex husband, not boyfriends, past or potential.

Your life story is about you, no one else.

Ladyscribbler got it right.

ShootingStar1

healthyagain

Butterfly, in addition what everyone said above, when people break up, they are going through certain stages of grief. Different sources list different stages, but many of them list the "barging stage." Does this sound familiar to you? Is this what you feel?

"You are still holding onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself or doing anything and that if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being."

I am not saying that you are trying to restore anything, but that you are having these thoughts, "a lot of if clauses," a lot of "was it reallys," etc. It is like you let you heart rule your head again. You forget the bad things, minimize them. The answer is, "yes, the things were bad enough at certain point to start calling your husband stbx." You did not get there after only one incident. There were 5 of them, at least!

So, start trusting yourself. There must be a reason why you two are not together anymore. Every time you get these pinky romantic thoughts and memories, remember the bad things too. Those were real as well.

Butterfly

Thanks Hawkeye, he has finally spoken with his solicitor who has instructed a barrister, he has until the end of this week to respond to my cross petition which I am hoping he will as a barrister has now been instructed. My solicitor has also invited him and his legal team to meet at the court for mediation regarding the fiances at the end of November. Havent heard whether he will attend or not but he still hasnt completed his financial discovery!! I dont know what the next stage is legally if he doesnt attend or submit his discovery but its doubtful he wont proceed given he is now paying a barrister and he knows that I am taking control of it and I wont let it drag on any more.

As always Red you give me so much to think about and your right he would never have or will put in teh effort required to fix the marriage and yes I left him once but I continued to care for my kids, i asked him to leave, never left my kids!!

Thank you happy and desserteyes I will check it out

Shootingstar and healthy again thank you for responding I need to keep the focus on me and my kids and stop romanticising, as there are only odd fleeting moments that were good.

FireSprite

Yes, it was that bad. Yes, it was probably worse because you've likely minimized a ton of it without even realizing you were doing so.

Butterfly, is it possible that you are doing these mental gymnastics:

because it distracts you from digging deep into the questions you might actually be able to answer? The ones about YOU? It doesn't matter a single bit why anyone else does anything that they do -you'll never "know" no matter how much time you spend trying to figure it out because it's someone else's puzzle, not yours. You'll never see all the missing or broken pieces in the picture because it's not yours to see.

What matters is what YOU do, how YOU think, how YOU heal your inner wounds.

When are YOU going to come first in your life, Butterfly?

Liveitwell

For me, as a born again Christian that in the past absolutely searched out men for validation, I had to realize that Jesus is the only man that can fill the void-His love is absolute and true and 100% unconditional. If we look to others (men, substances, etc) to fill our cracks, we will always be chasing something-and people will always let us down. Love yourself enough to get to the bottom of YOUR issues-not his. The seemingly simple question "why did I do that" could result in a very complex answer, the more you dig....getting to the root of you and understanding that is the key to freedom from yourself-from what keeps you in bondage. ...just like the alcoholic. I don't know about you, but I'm not looking for a white knight or someone to complete me BS fairy tale-I want a partner to walk beside me.

Thinking of you and praying for you!

Liveitwell

Butterfly-to answer your original question, YES...it was that bad! I too struggled with the same questions for years-and finally realized that years of disgusting behavior was the impetus to my divorce-not just one isolated incident. Years. Fool me once, shame on you-fool me hundreds of times, well....yeah, those are on me. Yes-it was that bad.

Butterfly

Firesprite your right I think I am distracting myself from digging deep and focusing on me. I focus on everything else, put everything and everyone else first. Guess I need to start don't I !! Thank you.

Butterfly

Thank you four girls