Our daughter is making our lives hell
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Our daughter is making our lives hell
Our daughter is 18 and I feel terrible but I want her out of our house. She has been disrespectful for years and I am starting to realize that I have continuously tried to improve our relationship by taking care of everything. I guess I am an enabler and I need help to learn it is ok to stop.
She moved out 5 months ago after finishing high school. We bought her furniture and everything she needed for the place but really never got thanks. She started to have parties constantly. About 2 months in she told me she needed to get away from everyone and wanted to come home. I hired a mover and when we showed up she refused to come to the door and called me all kinds of names for bothering her. She eventually got fired from her job and evicted. I had seen it coming and took her car (which we pay for) but gave it back when she cried and told me how it was my fault she was fired because I had taken her transportation.
The last night of the apartment she had a big party and was arrested. We bailed her out of jail and brought her home. She was drunk that night. A week later she was arrested for more serious charges - she was drunk again. We bailed her out this time too. She had a new job now and we had faith she would play by the rules so we allowed her to use her car for work and school only. Within a week she was arrested for drunk driving and put in jail. This time we didn't bail her out and instead got her into rehab. After the time in jail and rehab she came home and I could see the difference it was wonderful. About a week after she was home I started noticing she was back to talking to the old friends and her attitude was disrespectful. She was ordered by the court to leave her job as it was in a bar and required to do community service and attend AA.
We let her use her car so she could get to meetings and community service but watched as her attitude continued to worsen. Two weeks ago she was picked up by friends and came home in time to blow into her pbt for probation. She blew dirty and was sentenced to 2 weekends in jail She just finished with that last weekend. Two nights ago she left to go to an AA meeting and four hours later was not home and would not answer her phone. We located her car (because we now have gps) and retrieved it. We parked another car behind it in the driveway and went to bed. When we got up the next morning we noticed she had moved the car behind it and there are scratches on her car. She admitted drinking but denied that she did the damage to the car. We took her in to her probation officer and she will likely have to go to jail again - I am almost relieved as clearly nothing we do has an impact. She still has pending charges for other cases and is still doing this.
I feel so much anger towards her, I feel like my daughter is dead and I don't know who this person is. She isn't working, we have been paying her court costs and the car she drives is in my name and I pay for it. I think I need to sell it but then I worry she won't go to community service, AA, etc. At the same time I just want her out of the house but my husband won't hear of making her leave. She calls me names and does nothing around the house. I feel like I am a hostage to what she is going to do next and that we are paying the price instead of her.
Any advice?
She moved out 5 months ago after finishing high school. We bought her furniture and everything she needed for the place but really never got thanks. She started to have parties constantly. About 2 months in she told me she needed to get away from everyone and wanted to come home. I hired a mover and when we showed up she refused to come to the door and called me all kinds of names for bothering her. She eventually got fired from her job and evicted. I had seen it coming and took her car (which we pay for) but gave it back when she cried and told me how it was my fault she was fired because I had taken her transportation.
The last night of the apartment she had a big party and was arrested. We bailed her out of jail and brought her home. She was drunk that night. A week later she was arrested for more serious charges - she was drunk again. We bailed her out this time too. She had a new job now and we had faith she would play by the rules so we allowed her to use her car for work and school only. Within a week she was arrested for drunk driving and put in jail. This time we didn't bail her out and instead got her into rehab. After the time in jail and rehab she came home and I could see the difference it was wonderful. About a week after she was home I started noticing she was back to talking to the old friends and her attitude was disrespectful. She was ordered by the court to leave her job as it was in a bar and required to do community service and attend AA.
We let her use her car so she could get to meetings and community service but watched as her attitude continued to worsen. Two weeks ago she was picked up by friends and came home in time to blow into her pbt for probation. She blew dirty and was sentenced to 2 weekends in jail She just finished with that last weekend. Two nights ago she left to go to an AA meeting and four hours later was not home and would not answer her phone. We located her car (because we now have gps) and retrieved it. We parked another car behind it in the driveway and went to bed. When we got up the next morning we noticed she had moved the car behind it and there are scratches on her car. She admitted drinking but denied that she did the damage to the car. We took her in to her probation officer and she will likely have to go to jail again - I am almost relieved as clearly nothing we do has an impact. She still has pending charges for other cases and is still doing this.
I feel so much anger towards her, I feel like my daughter is dead and I don't know who this person is. She isn't working, we have been paying her court costs and the car she drives is in my name and I pay for it. I think I need to sell it but then I worry she won't go to community service, AA, etc. At the same time I just want her out of the house but my husband won't hear of making her leave. She calls me names and does nothing around the house. I feel like I am a hostage to what she is going to do next and that we are paying the price instead of her.
Any advice?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
I am so sorry to hear about your situation, CST. Yes, it does sound like you're a hostage. I'm in recovery and not really well versed in the issues you're confronting.
However, SR has a section called Family & Friends. Many there have walked a mile in your shoes and are supportive, caring people. Perhaps that would help? Here is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
However, SR has a section called Family & Friends. Many there have walked a mile in your shoes and are supportive, caring people. Perhaps that would help? Here is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
As a kid who was often in trouble, I would say - no matter what, don't try to control her with your anger. Stay calm and detach, tell her why and tell her you are finished being controlled by her out of control acts.
Say it calmly. Don't say it in anger or in a contemptuous way or in a way meant to control her. Every bit of my rebellion came from my mother trying to control my every thought and emotion. The harder she tried, the more I stepped it up. I didn't see that I was hurting myself, all I saw was that I was proving that her anger and condescension wasn't going to control me. The only thing that worked for me was being left to do my own thing with no judgment from my mother. I think she just threw her hands up - but that was what I was pushing for! Once she let go, I was able to get it together. I also let go...I stopped talking to her for a very long time. It was what we both needed to get un-enmeshed from each other.
Step off her crazy ride. Tell her you love her and you'll be there WHEN AND IF she decides not to bring chaos into your lives. Then hold that line. Don't sell your soul to the devil by saying things you'll regret. Treat her kindly but be firm.
Say it calmly. Don't say it in anger or in a contemptuous way or in a way meant to control her. Every bit of my rebellion came from my mother trying to control my every thought and emotion. The harder she tried, the more I stepped it up. I didn't see that I was hurting myself, all I saw was that I was proving that her anger and condescension wasn't going to control me. The only thing that worked for me was being left to do my own thing with no judgment from my mother. I think she just threw her hands up - but that was what I was pushing for! Once she let go, I was able to get it together. I also let go...I stopped talking to her for a very long time. It was what we both needed to get un-enmeshed from each other.
Step off her crazy ride. Tell her you love her and you'll be there WHEN AND IF she decides not to bring chaos into your lives. Then hold that line. Don't sell your soul to the devil by saying things you'll regret. Treat her kindly but be firm.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I have been a kid often in trouble, raised by an enabler..... fortunately for me and for my Mom I never spiralled quite that badly, but what it DID do was perpetuate my own failure to see my issues and address them until I was 40 years old.
I am a father now and a keen observer of how these things play out and get handled by parents. If my own daughters or stepson wind up pushing boundaries - I am not going to enable them. I am not going to protect them from the consequences of their actions - as hard as that's going to be. In your original post, I count at least 10 times that you enable and shield from consequences. The longer that behavior goes on, the more a pattern it becomes and the harder it is to break from. I've seen it play out in some parenting relationships that are very close to me - and with a daughter in her 20's there are still issue of rage and entitlement and manipulation and failure to "own" consequences all while getting the parents to cave in and serve and enable.
If I were in your shoes, I would carefully step back and ask myself "how do I best separate MYSELF from this situation, protect MY interests, emotions and life, and allow my child to FULLY experience the consequences of her actions?
With adolescents and with addiction - the lessons must be learned firsthand, the hard way. You are not abandoning your child if you allow her to feel the true impact of her choices. You can still 'be there' and care about her and even love her - without giving her money, insulation from pain, help with her consequences or any of that. If she's facing jail - let her go to jail. If she cannot get places - let her figure out how to ride the bus. If she cannot come to the point of readiness to get sober / clean - let her spiral further into her own addiction. That last one is probably the hardest and most painful one I'd ever have to face.... yet having lived addiction and adolescence firsthand and been around many many others who have as well - it's the only way.
I feel for you.... welcome.
I am a father now and a keen observer of how these things play out and get handled by parents. If my own daughters or stepson wind up pushing boundaries - I am not going to enable them. I am not going to protect them from the consequences of their actions - as hard as that's going to be. In your original post, I count at least 10 times that you enable and shield from consequences. The longer that behavior goes on, the more a pattern it becomes and the harder it is to break from. I've seen it play out in some parenting relationships that are very close to me - and with a daughter in her 20's there are still issue of rage and entitlement and manipulation and failure to "own" consequences all while getting the parents to cave in and serve and enable.
If I were in your shoes, I would carefully step back and ask myself "how do I best separate MYSELF from this situation, protect MY interests, emotions and life, and allow my child to FULLY experience the consequences of her actions?
With adolescents and with addiction - the lessons must be learned firsthand, the hard way. You are not abandoning your child if you allow her to feel the true impact of her choices. You can still 'be there' and care about her and even love her - without giving her money, insulation from pain, help with her consequences or any of that. If she's facing jail - let her go to jail. If she cannot get places - let her figure out how to ride the bus. If she cannot come to the point of readiness to get sober / clean - let her spiral further into her own addiction. That last one is probably the hardest and most painful one I'd ever have to face.... yet having lived addiction and adolescence firsthand and been around many many others who have as well - it's the only way.
I feel for you.... welcome.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
Please contact your local Al-Anon group. You can do nothing for your offspring unless they want it.
My parents got involved in Al-anon back when I was in my addiction in my teens. They helped start a parents group and attended for years until my father passed away. They still pick up my Mom every Friday night for a meeting. And I've been sober for several decades.
My parents got involved in Al-anon back when I was in my addiction in my teens. They helped start a parents group and attended for years until my father passed away. They still pick up my Mom every Friday night for a meeting. And I've been sober for several decades.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
Sorry to hear this.
I would sell the car. Also, next time she's in jail, leave her there.
I'm sure she'll grow out of this behaviour - I was a pretty unruly teen, but not that bad.
She needs her parents to love her, but not enable this nonsense.
Best wishes
I would sell the car. Also, next time she's in jail, leave her there.
I'm sure she'll grow out of this behaviour - I was a pretty unruly teen, but not that bad.
She needs her parents to love her, but not enable this nonsense.
Best wishes
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
I would sit down and tell her how much you love her, how hard it is on you, and ask her if it's "just" alcohol or if she's using drugs too. Youngsters are bound to experiment but if she's got a meth, heroin, coke, or opioid pill addiction I'd try to get her back to rehab asap, and even if it's "just" alcohol if she's up for going-give it another shot. You're in a really tough spot but maybe having a calm, honest talk will help at least open the lines of communication.
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