FindingAmy

So, as I said in my other post, after 25 years of marriage we found out about 8 months ago about my husband being an extremely high functioning alcoholic. He says he stopped drinking about 6 months ago. I don't believe anything anymore, but that is irrelevant.

My AH goes to AA and is quite addicted to it. He is now either working, working out or at AA. I rarely see him. We own a business together, but I work from home. Anyway, he is still in denial, blames me for everything across the board, but plays the nice guy role.

That has been the dynamic in our marriage and in his life. He is the nicest guy, everyone loves him. Except when you need to depend on him. People just chalk it up to "Oh, that's X" when he lets them down because they didn't have to be disappointed by him every day many times a day. So while others could blow it off because of their lack of times they had to depend on him, it turned me into a raging lunatic.

So for 25 years I tried to control my world. Tried to make sure my kids were happy, made sure my house ran smoothly, made sure the business ran, made sure our family was happy. None of that actually went as planned and I was living a life of constant frustration and anger. As my AH went whistling dixie through life because I was handling everything. Or so I thought. As I've learned it was actually the illusion of control and I really was controlling nothing.

So I ended up looking like the raging lunatic and he continued the persona of the nice, sweet guy. My daughter was continously let down by him and sees through him. My son always protecting his father. Even when my AH paid my son to lie to me about the drinking when my son would catch him. My son still protects his father.

So now, after all of this, my husband, who is STILL in denial, says he can't heal effectively around me. So he is moving out. November 7. Until that time he is walking around the house singing, whistling, happy as a clam and meanwhile my insides are torn to shreds. We finally told the kids and as I've said my son won't speak to me. I'm sure from his point of view my AH is leaving because I was such a b*tch all those years.

It is sooooooooo hard to not say anything negative about my husband to my kids, but I won't. I know it won't help. But it hurts not to. I want to say "this guy lied to all of us for 25 years, i became a crazy person and took it out on all of you, he is selfish and only cares about his needs, and YOURE not talking to MEEE?!!" But I can't. And now my son wants to be with his father for Thanksgiving, not me. I know I'm sounding like a victim and I'm trying very hard not to go there. But with this being shut out by my son it's like my knee jerk response.

This is so unfair!!!! I know I was in survival mode without knowing it. I know I spoke in a less than friendly tone alot of the time. I know I micromanaged. But to now be punished like this. It breaks my heart every morning when my eyes open all over again.

I try very hard to use the tools you've all given me on here. I pray each day. I meditate. Some days I'm really good and I'm ok and I'm clear. And I know I can't control what my son feels and can only hope that some day he will come around. And I'm sure at some point my AH will disappoint my son and maybe he will get it. I know none of this is in my control and I need to just focus on me and getting my life started (speaking with a lawyer today!), but it still hurts so badly. He is my baby boy (19 not such a baby but you know what i mean). I don't deserve to be pushed aside, again! I know I need to Let Go and Let God. I know it. It's just really, very very hard.

Yesterday my husband set up a meeting to meet with a financial planner for our money that we had talked about for years. He is in such denial. He thinks he is going to move out but we are going to continue living life as if we were married and are going to get back together when he gets "over this". He even asked if we were having Thanksgiving at "home" together. It's like he wants his cake and to eat it too. He's moving out but that doesn't seem to be something that should mean anything. It's business as usual. And it is messing with my head for sure.

Any words of wisdom?

SparkleKitty

You have great insight into everything that has happened up until now, and great clarity on what is currently happening. It is time to let go of worrying about him, about what other people think, about being right, and to turn 100% of your focus on healing yourself from the wounds this marriage has left you with.

We read a lot here about alcoholic partners who enter recovery and spouses who are still suffering with Everything Being About the Addict. We want OUR turn. But we also want someone to GIVE us our turn. No one will. We have to TAKE it.

Don't want to spend Thanksgiving with him? Tell him no. We are not having it. Don't want to stay married to someone who wants to be able to do whatever he wants without going through the discomfort and annoyance of divorce? Go talk to a lawyer yourself and find out what your options are.

You don't have to make grand gestures and big decisions right now. But the more you focus on the unfairness of it all, the more you allow HIS whirlwind to control YOUR life. Yes, it is unfair. It has been for ages. You do not deserve all you have been through. But until we stop looking to the ones who hurt us to be the ones who heal us, we are not even claiming the little bit of power and control we DO get in this life -- over ourselves and our choices.

I'm not telling you not to feel these things. I'm hoping that you will find a way to not let these feelings steer your ship. You clearly cannot expect him to behave like a rational or thoughtful person at this point, so try to resist allowing every little crazy thing he says and does to have so much power over you. We're rooting for you over here and we absolutely understand that you are NOT crazy.

Hangnbyathread

Man where to start. Words of Wisdom. You're not crazy. I consider myself reasonable intelligent. But admit that my ex took me for a ride for years as well. They capitalize on us NOT knowing about alcoholism and the fact they they are an addict.

They can try and tell you how things will go all they want. Then there is a court of law. I listened to all my exes woes of life. They always have a string of sudden catastrophe's that they are the victim of somehow. And they weave a totally plausible story to surround that event in, that avoids you knowing what REALLY happened.

Then they go to court, and get completely demolished. Because the truth tends to come often more often that not when it comes down to it.

You have legal rights. He can't leave you high and dry after 25 years. Unless he is high and dry himself.

Spend time with you. What makes you happy. Think about what YOU want going forward. I can't say don't get emotional, because you will. But get to the point of coming up with an exit plan. Take your time.

Mango blast

Hi Amy,

The breakthrough in my denial from what was my normal to working actively on recovery was a process that took time. I did become the crazy one on more than one occasion, and I continue to receive more clarity on that.

High functioning is a stage of alcoholism, not a type. As my husband hasn't been able to take care of the things he once could, because of this illness, it's been even more important for me to heal and be more human, imperfect and balanced. I often now can laugh at little things that go wrong and enjoy the good in the day even when things around me seem chaotic. I'm finding peace, serenity, happiness, and I do laugh more. I also feel pain, anger and all my emotions in healthier ways. I had been stuffing them down for a very long time. It's okay to not be okay. It's also becoming okay with me TO be okay.

This past week my husband seemed more deeply lost than ever, in alcohol and his own mind. He's now been receiving medical care, and currently sounds very healthy. It's a long journey. Just for today, I'm taking care of myself and giving him the courtesy of letting him take care of himself. Earlier this week there were some times when he couldn't, and others stepped in to help out.

When I first started going to Alanon meetings, I felt uncomfortable. I started taking little nuggets with me. Sometimes they'd pop up days or weeks later. Eventually I started attending regularly, got a sponsor and starting step-work. What I couldn't see in myself, I saw in our children. I couldn't get them into meetings or therapy, and I finally did what I could do... self-work.

It seems like you're heading in a healthy direction. It takes time and being willing. I wanted immediate answers, and found a lot of good healing in the uncomfortable in-between.

I'd encourage praying for your husband every day. For blessings for him. I've heard remarkable stories of healing coming from that. As a good friend says, "Prayer doesn't change them. It changes me."

What are you doing for yourself today?

dandylion

I love what SparkleKitty said.....no one will give us our turn.....we have to TAKE it.

someome should write that across the sky......

dandylion

hopeful4

My words of wisdom would be that he is not making you look crazy, he is making you feel crazy. There is a difference. I know, I thought I looked crazy w/my XAH, but realized he was simply making me feel that way, which I admit was sort of making me act that way sometimes. It was an evil cycle.

Other people will see who he is, I promise you that. It may not be on your time scale, but it will happen, just as it has already happened with those closest to him. Keep your head up and keep moving forward in what is good for you and your kids.

Many hugs.

dandylion

Findamy......I can practically "feel" how you are feeling.
You are going to have a range of emotions...strong emotions.....over the coming months.
The first round of holidays is particularly emotional for most.....

About Thanksgiving.....do what you really want to do....
Co-parenting together is another thing to get used to.....around holidays and such. It is adjusting to change....no matter how much we dislike the change.....

I think that if it were me....I might have Thanksgiving as usual....as a way of h aving the kids there in the traditional way. together for a few hours, anyway.
Or, I might suggest having it out at a nice restaurant...again, as a way of having the kids with me on that occasion.
BUT, that is me. You are you...and, you might not want to do that......
I say to just decide what you want...what matters the most to you......

This is still early days.
I will bet the m ilk money that your son knows, down deep, of your husbands past actions---much more that you suspect that he does. Over time, and, maturity....I believe that the balanced truth will become more evident to him....
Give your husband pleanty of rope.........

dandylion

ShootingStar1

This is your path to freedom and emotional health.

You are living in an unarticulated and unacknowledged contract with your AH: to create and preserve the appearance of normality, you do all the work of the marriage and carry the rage while he gets to drink and appear normal.

The consequence is that the marriage and the family are not healthy and you get the blame (even after doing all the work) because you express all the dysfunctional emotions for both you and your husband. He gets the glory.

The only way out of this is to get OUT of this.

It will take some time to re-calibrate your emotional balance, and it is normal and expected to feel rage, sorrow, anger, grief, longing, regret and loss during this period. For me, it was like a spiral of emotions, one after another. The most important thing, for me, was that each time I went through another part of that cycle, I learned a bit more about myself and I became a bit freer. You begin to add peace, self love and joy to that spiral, and over time, they become the predominant places where you live emotionally.

The journey toward recovery has been for me, in the past 3 years, one of humility, regret, loss and ever more insight into who I am and who I want to be. And I am happier than I have ever been. It has taken me a lot of introspection into where I came from and how my childhood misled me into behaving in ways that were not constructive, but I am changing and I am happier.

It is difficult but it is freeing and life giving. Counselling by a wise counsellor and SoberRecovery made all the difference for me. You might read Melody Beattie's book CoDependent No More as a place to start. Alanon can be a fabulous resource - try enough different meetings to find a group that feels like home.

Your children are grown - 19 is young, but still an adult. They have their own path to follow toward realization of the truth. Alanon can be helpful for them, as can counselling.

I'd suggest just focusing on making sure they know you love them and will continue to do that whether or not you and their dad are together.

Your relationship, especially with your son, has been tangled in the matrix of the dysfunctional marriage and family structure that you have tried so valiantly to sustain in the hopes that it would produce a happy family. Maybe now it is time to see if you can make the transition with your son of relating to each other separately without the imprint of the dysfunctional family patterns being the mold.

Thanksgiving is, literally, a time for giving thanks. Maybe you can find a way to break the mold and start a new tradition toward the future. It would be better to do that than to use the specter of past Thanksgivings to intensify the volatile feelings that all of you will be having.

We're here for you and with you,

ShootingStar1

FireSprite

Part of the crazy-making here is that he's gone through such extreme changes on the surface but the underlying behaviors toward you haven't changed - and THAT'S the most telling part. You ARE NOT CRAZY... he actually hasn't changed that much!

Big Ditto to everything SparkleKitty said - I'll wait if you want to go back & re-read it again, take your time. Especially that part about just Taking It because otherwise your turn will never come. ........



You ARE finding your way Amy, but it's like holding a flashlight in the dark against the entire night sky. There is A LOT to take in & sort & he's still rolling over you with these manipulations. I'm sure you are using the tools you are learning but it's HARD in the beginning to remember, to know which to use, to know which work best for you/when, etc. Practice, practice, practice. You're building muscle memory with these tools but it's not second-nature yet & that's OK, it's new.

My husband had the hardest time separating his intentions from his actions - just because he didn't intend to be a manipulative liar with the emotional maturity of a 12-yr old didn't mean he wasn't. It didn't change how I had to deal with him just because it wasn't "what he meant" to do/say. And the reverse was also true - I was a MANIAC by the time HE started recovery; I was unrecognizable as the person I intended to be.

I found that the only way for everyone else to see him clearly was to step away fully & stop stepping in front of every & any consequence, no matter how minor. People, including your son, will see him for what he is as this process unfolds. And they'll see you too, it's up to you to show them who you want to be vs. who you've been over these last years.

It is still VERY early in all of this Amy, although I know to you, right now, you're so exhausted from it that you can't fathom going on like this for any length of time. 6 months of abstinence is a blip, a drop in the bucket, a grain of sand in the timeline of true recovery. There is a very long, winding road ahead of you yet.

Things are bound to get better for you when he finally leaves - you NEED that space to give yourself a sanctuary. You NEED distance & definitive boundaries & a safe place because no matter what you do right now, you're reacting to him instead of acting FOR YOU. You are not going to unwind 25 years of habits in a few weeks, be gentle with yourself & reasonable with what you expect from yourself, ok?

I linked this to another post yesterday, but maybe it'll hit home for you today too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html

CodeJob

25 years of marriage are not patched in the heart and mind in one or two days - especially when you've got him traipsing around the family home yet.

What if you went away on Thanksgiving? Went to a lodge or something and just went on hikes and wrote in your journal and didn't do one traditional thing? What if you just made a plan to walk away for one long weekend? Could you arrange an escape for yourself? You deserve it.

FindingAmy

Ohhhh, hugs to all of you. There is nothing better than communicating with people who truly understand the struggle and those that have gotten to the other side of the pain.

SparkleKitty this line was it:
"But until we stop looking to the ones who hurt us to be the ones who heal us, we are not even claiming the little bit of power and control we DO get in this life -- over ourselves and our choices." You are so right. I am/was waiting for him to see the error in his ways, apologize and get himself healed and then we would live happily ever after and I'd be happy. haha! Well, we all know that's not how it goes, but I didn't really think I saw it that way until I read that line and I think deep down inside that's just what i was doing. And he has no remorse and it was getting me angrier because that meant he'd never apologize. I'm done waiting for him to come around. You are so right. I'm taking back my power. Taking care of me. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

Hangnbyathread thanks for telling me I'm not crazy. And that I have rights. I talk to the lawyer in 25 minutes. I have all of my questions ready. It's my real first step towards taking my life back. My stomach is in knots.

KeepingtheFaith I have to remember that about the high functioning part is a stage. He always says hes not nearly as bad as the others in AA because he kept a business going. As though he's "better" than them. I was giving up on Alanon a few weeks ago but ran into someone at yoga that told me about a group i might like. I went and actually for the first time liked an Alanon meeting. Maybe it was the people. Maybe I was just ready. Either way it led me to more Alanon meetings this week. I'm not sure I'm ready for the step part but I do like going and hearing what everyone has to say. I do get it.

Hopeful4 Yes! He is making me feel crazy. you are so right. And youre right about people noticing. Nobody knows he's leaving or that hes an A, but people are starting to see through him. Little comments they make to me which I think I previously used to hear, but took personally and ran to his defense. Now I just shake my head and say "take it up with him". I see now that I am separate from his lunacy and i wont allow myself to feel crazy because of his antics. Or at least I promise myself that I will try!

ShootingStar I always feel like you totally get me. This line summed it up for me "The consequence is that the marriage and the family are not healthy and you get the blame (even after doing all the work) because you express all the dysfunctional emotions for both you and your husband. He gets the glory. The only way out of this is to get OUT of this. " I agree. Someone else wrote somewhere Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. This has to happen for me to move on. I'm seeing that now.

I do hope I can form a new relationship with my son outside of all of this dysfunction. I hope he can appreciate someday seeing me happy. I've decided for Thanksgiving to go to my brother's home in Oklahoma. My kids are flying to have Thanksgiving with my husband and his FO in NJ on Wednesday night and then coming to OK to be with me at my brothers until Sunday. My husband wants us all to be together. I don't want to do that. I don't want to put on a charade for one second longer. I want to start my life.

Firesprite, youre so right. His underlying behaviors haven't changed, just his outward appearance. And yes, I'm exhausted from living like this. I know starting my own new life won't be easy but it needs to happen...for me. And I know it's practice, all of these tools, but I look forward to the tool becoming a natural reaction. Many times I don't look in the tool box until it's too late. That's why I need him out. I thought by his being here I could practice. But it's just too hard and too constant.

I do need my space. A sanctuary. I want to be alone with just me for a while. And that Awakening Post was great. I printed it out. Thanks for that.

CodeJob -- he is traipsing around and it's so hard to be around. I have one more week. I'm going to use this last week to do some codie boot camp for myself and try my best to use all the tools i've got. As i said before i just hope i am aware and remember to use them as it is occurring.

And to all of you... thank you for reaffirming that I'M NOT CRAZY

Eauchiche

Dear Amy
I don't want to step on any toes here, but wish to share something with you from my own journey. As they say in the program, take what you want and leave the rest.

What I want to share is this: there may be an element of truth in your husband's attitude. I am not blaming you at all, but the truth COULD be that your marriage is not good for either of you. It is CLEARLY not good for you right now.

I am also learning that there is a big difference between love and enmeshment.

If none of this applies to you, great!!! I wish you well, and hope you'll keep coming back.

FindingAmy

Eauchiche for sure this is Clearly not good for me. I'm pretty sure it never was. I don't remember ever being happy in the marriage and I do feel like he's giving me a gift by leaving. Something I was far too weak to do for the past I don't know how many years. I definitely depended on him to make me happy, which he didn't but I kept waiting for that. I now realize that comes from within me. And i need to really work on loving me, regaining my sense of self worth and being happy from within. My codependency was top notch in the marriage. We definitely fed off of each other. And yes, I was enmeshed in his life, my kid's life, anybody's life. I know from my readings that if I was enmeshed then I believed I was important. Now I know so clearly that that isn't true. So now it's knowing that and remembering it.

However...I'm still not crazy

NYCDoglvr

I couldn't have gotten through the end of my relationship without the love and support I found in the rooms of Alanon. It's the one place where you'll find understanding and others who have been in similar situations. I recommend it.

redatlanta

I am sorry for the way you are feeling.

It will be very interesting to see how "got it all together" hubby does when the worker bee is no longer handling his life. One can't make it in life just doing whatever you want whenever you want. Being honest - you made life easy for him.

In times when I am beat down I always remember that the pendulum swings the opposite way. I don't say this as retribution that your husband will be, and should be in pain at some point, but I believe you will feel some vindication for all that you did when he can't handle it. This is also evident to me in his implication that he is just moving out but everything will remain the same. LOL. That he will come back at some point and you will get back together LOLOLOLOL.

How narcissistic to think that if you serves you dog food you'll eat it. You aren't crazy, he it. More will be revealed. Learning to sit back, shut up, and just watch what was going on was something I learned very early on here and in Al Anon.

((hugs)) and I wish he was gone today.

FindingAmy

Redatlanta thank you. That post was the icing on the cake I needed tonight. A million thanks. I am not eating dog food anymore. And I am ready to sit back, shut up and watch. ((hugs)) Thank you.