A whole new level...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
A whole new level...
I have been a member here for just a few weeks. I try to get on this to read posts and continue to educate myself as often as I can. I don't comment often, because I feel unqualified and I am just trying to learn more. But, now I need help and support.
If you have read my story, you know a little about my situation. I live with my ABF, my two boys and his daughter and son. Last night, both of our ex-spouses had our kids, so we planned to see a live band that we both really love. I worked the overnight shift the day before, so I came home and slept for about 4 hours and then got packed for the night. We were staying in a hotel in the city where the concert was held and had a couple hour drive to get there. On the way to the hotel, my ABF started to get just a little belligerent, as opposed to full-on when he is really drunk, and I figured out that he had probably been drinking for hours already. We went out to a nice dinner, and he started to getting embarrassingly vocal in the restaurant. I was really angry and asked for the check as soon as we got our food. He couldn't understand what my problem was. I told him that his behavior is unacceptable and that I preferred to just go back to the hotel and skip the band. He apologized (of course) and said that he would stop being that way, so I agreed to go to the show with him.
We were not there more than 45 minutes (the band we wanted to see hadn't even took the stage yet) and he was yelling in my face. At that time, there was probably a couple thousand people there, and it was a small venue. I told him that I needed to go to the restroom and he followed me there. I told him that I needed a break for a few minutes and I told him to go outside and have a cigarette. It appeared that he was heading that way, so I went into the restroom. After about 5 minutes, he came into the ladies room and started pounding on all of the stalls and yelling my name. This was the first time I was actually scared of him, and I have been with him for 3 years. I got out of the bathroom and told him that I was going back to the hotel, and he grabbed my shirt and said "you're not going anywhere, sweetie". I told him to let go of me and he did, but then he grabbed my upper arm with all of his strength and pulled me close to his face and started to berate me. I just told him to leave me alone in a forceful tone. He walked away, so I went to a different area of the venue. Next thing I know, a lady from the venue's security grabbed me and said that I needed to come with her and she spoke into her radio, "I've got her". I had no idea what was going on. The next thing I know, I am being shuffled to different areas of the building and I could hear all of the security guards talking on their radios and could hear them describe my BF. I asked what was going on, and they said that they were keeping him from seeing where I was because our interactions were observed by their security on multiple occasions, and the bartenders that had been serving him had cut him off and he made the comment to them "that f****ing b****h" and so they came looking for me to keep me safe. I ended up calling my ABF's brother and his wife, because they lived about 30 minutes away, to come and get me out of there. They did right away. The took me to their house and then his brother went to the hotel to make sure my ABF got there okay and to talk to him/stay with him.
I stayed up crying all night. I couldn't believe he did this. It was a complete shock because he never has been even remotely physical to me. I went to the hotel in the early morning hours after they were both asleep and was trying to quietly grab my things, especially my car keys, so I could get out of there. He woke up while I was in the room and started to immediately verbally abuse me. I locked myself in the bathroom and he was pounding on the door and his brother was trying to calm him down. He started just pounding beers. This was at about 5 in the morning, and we were at a very nice, upscale hotel. I eventually got out of there with his brother's help. His brother took him back to his house and his brother's wife went and got all of my things out of the room and met me to get them to me so I could drive home. She said that his brother was talking to him and wanted to have him sleep off his drunk and then they would see how he was doing and if it was safe to bring him home.
He got home at about 6:00 tonight. His eyes were all puffy and swollen and he was crying. He kept saying "you don't know what you just did. I am done with you. This is all of your doing." I told him that "no. you did this. all of it and that I am done." He then left and went for a walk. I got ready for work, because I had to work the night shift tonight. He got home about 15 minutes before I had to leave and he was still crying really hard. He came and gave me a really tight hug and said that he was so sorry and he knew he was blaming me for what he did because he felt so bad about it and knew what the problem was. He didn't smell at all like alcohol, which is the first time I can ever remember. He then asked me "do you got this?" I asked him what he meant and he said "the kids, the house, all of it. I need to know that you've got this, because I am going away for a while." Of course I reassured him that I did and then went to work.
I think he has hit his rock bottom. I am so worried for him though. I think he is saying that he is going to treatment, but I didn't have time to ask because I couldn't be late for work. I am so scared and feel like this might be a turning point.
BTW... last time I posted, someone suggested to read co-dependent no more, and I am about 50 pages in. I feel like I have learned so much already. So, thank you.
If you have read my story, you know a little about my situation. I live with my ABF, my two boys and his daughter and son. Last night, both of our ex-spouses had our kids, so we planned to see a live band that we both really love. I worked the overnight shift the day before, so I came home and slept for about 4 hours and then got packed for the night. We were staying in a hotel in the city where the concert was held and had a couple hour drive to get there. On the way to the hotel, my ABF started to get just a little belligerent, as opposed to full-on when he is really drunk, and I figured out that he had probably been drinking for hours already. We went out to a nice dinner, and he started to getting embarrassingly vocal in the restaurant. I was really angry and asked for the check as soon as we got our food. He couldn't understand what my problem was. I told him that his behavior is unacceptable and that I preferred to just go back to the hotel and skip the band. He apologized (of course) and said that he would stop being that way, so I agreed to go to the show with him.
We were not there more than 45 minutes (the band we wanted to see hadn't even took the stage yet) and he was yelling in my face. At that time, there was probably a couple thousand people there, and it was a small venue. I told him that I needed to go to the restroom and he followed me there. I told him that I needed a break for a few minutes and I told him to go outside and have a cigarette. It appeared that he was heading that way, so I went into the restroom. After about 5 minutes, he came into the ladies room and started pounding on all of the stalls and yelling my name. This was the first time I was actually scared of him, and I have been with him for 3 years. I got out of the bathroom and told him that I was going back to the hotel, and he grabbed my shirt and said "you're not going anywhere, sweetie". I told him to let go of me and he did, but then he grabbed my upper arm with all of his strength and pulled me close to his face and started to berate me. I just told him to leave me alone in a forceful tone. He walked away, so I went to a different area of the venue. Next thing I know, a lady from the venue's security grabbed me and said that I needed to come with her and she spoke into her radio, "I've got her". I had no idea what was going on. The next thing I know, I am being shuffled to different areas of the building and I could hear all of the security guards talking on their radios and could hear them describe my BF. I asked what was going on, and they said that they were keeping him from seeing where I was because our interactions were observed by their security on multiple occasions, and the bartenders that had been serving him had cut him off and he made the comment to them "that f****ing b****h" and so they came looking for me to keep me safe. I ended up calling my ABF's brother and his wife, because they lived about 30 minutes away, to come and get me out of there. They did right away. The took me to their house and then his brother went to the hotel to make sure my ABF got there okay and to talk to him/stay with him.
I stayed up crying all night. I couldn't believe he did this. It was a complete shock because he never has been even remotely physical to me. I went to the hotel in the early morning hours after they were both asleep and was trying to quietly grab my things, especially my car keys, so I could get out of there. He woke up while I was in the room and started to immediately verbally abuse me. I locked myself in the bathroom and he was pounding on the door and his brother was trying to calm him down. He started just pounding beers. This was at about 5 in the morning, and we were at a very nice, upscale hotel. I eventually got out of there with his brother's help. His brother took him back to his house and his brother's wife went and got all of my things out of the room and met me to get them to me so I could drive home. She said that his brother was talking to him and wanted to have him sleep off his drunk and then they would see how he was doing and if it was safe to bring him home.
He got home at about 6:00 tonight. His eyes were all puffy and swollen and he was crying. He kept saying "you don't know what you just did. I am done with you. This is all of your doing." I told him that "no. you did this. all of it and that I am done." He then left and went for a walk. I got ready for work, because I had to work the night shift tonight. He got home about 15 minutes before I had to leave and he was still crying really hard. He came and gave me a really tight hug and said that he was so sorry and he knew he was blaming me for what he did because he felt so bad about it and knew what the problem was. He didn't smell at all like alcohol, which is the first time I can ever remember. He then asked me "do you got this?" I asked him what he meant and he said "the kids, the house, all of it. I need to know that you've got this, because I am going away for a while." Of course I reassured him that I did and then went to work.
I think he has hit his rock bottom. I am so worried for him though. I think he is saying that he is going to treatment, but I didn't have time to ask because I couldn't be late for work. I am so scared and feel like this might be a turning point.
BTW... last time I posted, someone suggested to read co-dependent no more, and I am about 50 pages in. I feel like I have learned so much already. So, thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi caretaker. That sounds like a really scary time. I am glad others were there to help you. In all of this you did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing.
I hope this is his bottom. I hope he reaches out to others for help. Not to you. You don't know how to help him. Only other alcoholics and trained counselors do. Don't take any of this on your shoulders.
You might want to call your local domestic violence hotline. They can help you with a plan to keep safe if he does this again. There are no obligations. They are just there to help.
You aren't alone and I hope you keep posting and sharing
I hope this is his bottom. I hope he reaches out to others for help. Not to you. You don't know how to help him. Only other alcoholics and trained counselors do. Don't take any of this on your shoulders.
You might want to call your local domestic violence hotline. They can help you with a plan to keep safe if he does this again. There are no obligations. They are just there to help.
You aren't alone and I hope you keep posting and sharing
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Sounds like he has a very dangerous streak in him you just discovered. Harken to what the security guards did to protect you - I'm sorry but next time it may be too late and he may go further because he just got away with what he just did to u without u realising it. Just my opinion.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Caretaker88......I suggest that you go to the stickies at the top of the main page---just above the threads.
Go to the one called "Classic Readings". Scroll down to the one titled "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"
That is a good general yardstick.......
dandylion
Go to the one called "Classic Readings". Scroll down to the one titled "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"
That is a good general yardstick.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Hi, that link Dandylion mentioned is pretty hard to find if you're new. Here it is:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
I read that in my first few days in this forum. I think he was full of s*** at that time. I think it is time for me to leave though. I want to be there for him, but I feel like it has now escalated to a level I never imagined.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ct,
Good for you for reaching out. There has been many of spouses of physically abusive addicts, that haven been in your shoes, that will comment today. I am so sorry.
His true colors have been shown by him to his whole family, but talk is cheap. This is your time to step back and let him figure this out. Let him or his family find him a place to get help. Not your responsibility.
You need to reach out to alanon. He violated you, I know it has never been that bad. I am telling you, and please believe me, that this will not be the last time!! You need to let him know by your actions, not words, that he needs help, to figure it or next time you will call the police. This incident has been documented and you will get an order of protection and throw him in jail. If you threaten it, you will have to follow through. You have to understand, if he knows that he can get a way with this drunken behavior, I guarantee he WILL do it again. Ask any abused person on this forum, if they only knew that it was only a one time occurance. HE will get drunk again and he will blame you for what happened. But now everyone knows who he really is and you don't have to be afraid any more.
So let him figure this out, do not give him advice, tell him he knows what he needs to do. You are going to take care of you and the kids.
Detach and don't judge him. He is an addict, and they drink. That is a fact. Until he accepts that he has to , grow up, sober up and works a programs nothing will change. Stay safe my friend and never let it escalate to where you feel unsafe. Just leave, and believe in your instincts to get out of his way, if you feel threatened in any way. Hugs my friend, we are all here for you.
Good for you for reaching out. There has been many of spouses of physically abusive addicts, that haven been in your shoes, that will comment today. I am so sorry.
His true colors have been shown by him to his whole family, but talk is cheap. This is your time to step back and let him figure this out. Let him or his family find him a place to get help. Not your responsibility.
You need to reach out to alanon. He violated you, I know it has never been that bad. I am telling you, and please believe me, that this will not be the last time!! You need to let him know by your actions, not words, that he needs help, to figure it or next time you will call the police. This incident has been documented and you will get an order of protection and throw him in jail. If you threaten it, you will have to follow through. You have to understand, if he knows that he can get a way with this drunken behavior, I guarantee he WILL do it again. Ask any abused person on this forum, if they only knew that it was only a one time occurance. HE will get drunk again and he will blame you for what happened. But now everyone knows who he really is and you don't have to be afraid any more.
So let him figure this out, do not give him advice, tell him he knows what he needs to do. You are going to take care of you and the kids.
Detach and don't judge him. He is an addict, and they drink. That is a fact. Until he accepts that he has to , grow up, sober up and works a programs nothing will change. Stay safe my friend and never let it escalate to where you feel unsafe. Just leave, and believe in your instincts to get out of his way, if you feel threatened in any way. Hugs my friend, we are all here for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Caretaker and sorry for what happened. You sound like you are in shock over what has happened and I understand why. Once a person crosses the line into physical violence you need to keep yourself alert, and proceed differently than in non-violent situation. I am curious as to why your BF was not arrested for DV. Its unusual in that situation that Security would let him go. Did you refuse to press charges?
I hear hope in your voice that he has hit rock bottom. I certainly hope so too. I want to talk to you about "rock bottom". Some people don't have one, some people's rock bottom can be a DUI, for others it could be having a liver transplant. There is no way to ascertain looking forward what someone's rock bottom will be. Its something that can be pinpointed after they have chosen to get sober and are in recovery. Its not the action itself that causes a "rock bottom" rather it is a moment of clarity when the alcoholic realizes they are powerless over alcohol. It doesn't have to be paired with a dramatic action like what happened to you. It could be that someone gets a promotion at work with a lot of responsibility, realizes their drinking is out of control, and they better do something about it. That could also be someones "rock bottom".
Understanding the above I hope that you won't put all your eggs in the basket of sobriety for your boyfriend. Often times A's do things like this and then immediately do a 180 when their a** is on the chopping block of "I'm doing something about this, I'm going to AA, I'm going to rehab", Then, they never do. Its just words, and manipulation. Trying to smooth YOU over so you won't 1) leave him 2) force him to leave 3) file a restraining order 4) have him arrested.
There is an old saying around here "More will be revealed". You need to step back from him and protect yourself and your kids FIRST. Don't worry about the alcoholic - worry about yourself and your children. Please be wary that just because you may think there is no way he would pick up and be drinking again that you could be wrong.
Stay safe, stay away from him for the time being. Next time could be you picking all your teeth up off the floor - he is obviously in a bad way. Don't join him. Watch and wait - lets see if he makes a move TRULY toward recovery.
I hear hope in your voice that he has hit rock bottom. I certainly hope so too. I want to talk to you about "rock bottom". Some people don't have one, some people's rock bottom can be a DUI, for others it could be having a liver transplant. There is no way to ascertain looking forward what someone's rock bottom will be. Its something that can be pinpointed after they have chosen to get sober and are in recovery. Its not the action itself that causes a "rock bottom" rather it is a moment of clarity when the alcoholic realizes they are powerless over alcohol. It doesn't have to be paired with a dramatic action like what happened to you. It could be that someone gets a promotion at work with a lot of responsibility, realizes their drinking is out of control, and they better do something about it. That could also be someones "rock bottom".
Understanding the above I hope that you won't put all your eggs in the basket of sobriety for your boyfriend. Often times A's do things like this and then immediately do a 180 when their a** is on the chopping block of "I'm doing something about this, I'm going to AA, I'm going to rehab", Then, they never do. Its just words, and manipulation. Trying to smooth YOU over so you won't 1) leave him 2) force him to leave 3) file a restraining order 4) have him arrested.
There is an old saying around here "More will be revealed". You need to step back from him and protect yourself and your kids FIRST. Don't worry about the alcoholic - worry about yourself and your children. Please be wary that just because you may think there is no way he would pick up and be drinking again that you could be wrong.
Stay safe, stay away from him for the time being. Next time could be you picking all your teeth up off the floor - he is obviously in a bad way. Don't join him. Watch and wait - lets see if he makes a move TRULY toward recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: New England
Posts: 68
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. What a horrific night it sounds like.
My AH also took things to the next level this past March when I left with our kids one night. He had never been violent before that but he was getting more "playfully" rough and none of us were enjoying it. Kids would end up crying because daddy was being mean, etc. He thought he was joking around.
When he came back from his booze run that night to find us gone he flipped. Hunted for us, trashed our house, threatened to kill me, kill himself and burn our house down. The next morning he got arrested in our driveway when I went home to try to talk to him. I was astonished and had absolutely no idea who this man had become. He didn't physically harm me but intimated me and emotionally and verbally abused me that day. The court put a protective order on me and our property.
He went to rehab and at this time we are back together. His recovery didn't last and his drinking has started escalating again. I had an escape plan for safety but not anything long term. I'm realizing that I need to regroup on that plan as well as make a longer term care plan for me and my kids. Even if it doesn't come down to violence again in my heart I know that I'm losing him to alcohol - it's just a matter of when and how.
Take care of you and the kids. No matter how much you want him to get sober or how much you love him he has to do it himself. You've gotten wonderful advice here...along with emotional support there is a wealth of practical knowledge on how to stay safe and take care of you and yours.
My AH also took things to the next level this past March when I left with our kids one night. He had never been violent before that but he was getting more "playfully" rough and none of us were enjoying it. Kids would end up crying because daddy was being mean, etc. He thought he was joking around.
When he came back from his booze run that night to find us gone he flipped. Hunted for us, trashed our house, threatened to kill me, kill himself and burn our house down. The next morning he got arrested in our driveway when I went home to try to talk to him. I was astonished and had absolutely no idea who this man had become. He didn't physically harm me but intimated me and emotionally and verbally abused me that day. The court put a protective order on me and our property.
He went to rehab and at this time we are back together. His recovery didn't last and his drinking has started escalating again. I had an escape plan for safety but not anything long term. I'm realizing that I need to regroup on that plan as well as make a longer term care plan for me and my kids. Even if it doesn't come down to violence again in my heart I know that I'm losing him to alcohol - it's just a matter of when and how.
Take care of you and the kids. No matter how much you want him to get sober or how much you love him he has to do it himself. You've gotten wonderful advice here...along with emotional support there is a wealth of practical knowledge on how to stay safe and take care of you and yours.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
caretaker, ill give a li of my story of getting to my rock bottom:
i was in a relationship with an amazing woman, so amazing i asked her to marry me and she said yes.
through the relationship her words to me changed they went from:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking you can be evil."
to:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking youre nothing but evil."
to:
"when youre drinking youre nothing but evil and its happening a lot when youre not drinking."
it wasnt until she threw me out for good that i got help.
its my opinion that tossing me to the road was the best move she ever made for herself.
i was in a relationship with an amazing woman, so amazing i asked her to marry me and she said yes.
through the relationship her words to me changed they went from:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking you can be evil."
to:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking youre nothing but evil."
to:
"when youre drinking youre nothing but evil and its happening a lot when youre not drinking."
it wasnt until she threw me out for good that i got help.
its my opinion that tossing me to the road was the best move she ever made for herself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
caretaker. Your story brings back a lot of memories for me. The whole Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde transitions, became so unpredictable I found myself not wanting to go anywhere for fear of an embarrassing meltdown.
And the stupid part of me looks back on it and says, it was drinking all along that caused it. Not me or something I did, or said or a gesture I didn't know I was making. In short, you, or I or us, aren't doing anything to cause them to meltdown.
I don't know that what you describe is rock bottom. He hasn't had any real serious consequence to his actions at this juncture. He has simply managed to make you a scared bystander he can take advantage of.
On another note. And not thread jack here. I just want to say to tomsteve, that I see your post regularly and wish to applaud you for your eloquent stories of recovery you share. You are the reason we find hope that some can recover, and bring positive things to peoples lives around them.
And the stupid part of me looks back on it and says, it was drinking all along that caused it. Not me or something I did, or said or a gesture I didn't know I was making. In short, you, or I or us, aren't doing anything to cause them to meltdown.
I don't know that what you describe is rock bottom. He hasn't had any real serious consequence to his actions at this juncture. He has simply managed to make you a scared bystander he can take advantage of.
On another note. And not thread jack here. I just want to say to tomsteve, that I see your post regularly and wish to applaud you for your eloquent stories of recovery you share. You are the reason we find hope that some can recover, and bring positive things to peoples lives around them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Hi RedAtlanta... regarding charges, I have no idea. The police were never called. I was never asked if I wanted to. I have never been in a situation like this, so I guess I didn't even think about charges. Weird, because I would have thought about that right away if it were someone else's post. Also, the entire situation was over pretty quickly. In probably 15 minutes. His brother and wife just happened to not be home when I called them and they were actually about 10 minutes away. It might have turned out differently if they weren't so close. I feel like I had some guardian angels watching over me the other night.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, caretaker,
Glad you are safe--that's number one. It isn't necessarily security's "job" to call the police--but I'm glad they acted to keep their customer safe.
My strong suggestion is that you contact your local shelter or the DV hotline. That's confidential and nobody will pressure you to report it. I'm sure security made their own internal report in case you ever need documentation. We can all hope that something like this is never repeated, but we all know that recovery doesn't always "take" the first time it is investigated. You were in a scary and dangerous situation, so it's best to talk with the experts and have a safety plan in mind in case it does happen again. There are many options for you if it does.
Keep posting and let us know how things are going. Remember, it isn't unusual for the alcoholic to decide that he just had a "bad night" and that quitting forever is too "extreme."
Glad you are safe--that's number one. It isn't necessarily security's "job" to call the police--but I'm glad they acted to keep their customer safe.
My strong suggestion is that you contact your local shelter or the DV hotline. That's confidential and nobody will pressure you to report it. I'm sure security made their own internal report in case you ever need documentation. We can all hope that something like this is never repeated, but we all know that recovery doesn't always "take" the first time it is investigated. You were in a scary and dangerous situation, so it's best to talk with the experts and have a safety plan in mind in case it does happen again. There are many options for you if it does.
Keep posting and let us know how things are going. Remember, it isn't unusual for the alcoholic to decide that he just had a "bad night" and that quitting forever is too "extreme."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
caretaker, ill give a li of my story of getting to my rock bottom:
i was in a relationship with an amazing woman, so amazing i asked her to marry me and she said yes.
through the relationship her words to me changed they went from:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking you can be evil."
to:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking youre nothing but evil."
to:
"when youre drinking youre nothing but evil and its happening a lot when youre not drinking."
it wasnt until she threw me out for good that i got help.
its my opinion that tossing me to the road was the best move she ever made for herself.
i was in a relationship with an amazing woman, so amazing i asked her to marry me and she said yes.
through the relationship her words to me changed they went from:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking you can be evil."
to:
"when youre sober youre the most loving man i have ever known. but when youre drinking youre nothing but evil."
to:
"when youre drinking youre nothing but evil and its happening a lot when youre not drinking."
it wasnt until she threw me out for good that i got help.
its my opinion that tossing me to the road was the best move she ever made for herself.
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