Letting Go and Walking Away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Letting Go and Walking Away
I have posted here before about my friend the recovering addict who I have been wondering if I should stay in the friendship or cut my losses and get out. I decided to keep being his friend and forgive all the anger and criticism I was getting from him, but yesterday was the last straw.
He got so mad at me for something I said in a phone conversation. I didn't say anything explicit but he is so paranoid that his employer is tapping his phone, tracking his car, going to fire him. He has been like this ever since I've known him and I just do not think his employer is doing any of these things because they have not fired him, they have given him annual raises, they are not confronting him. His few friends told him he was being paranoid. His therapist thinks he is paranoid and needs treatment.
He got really mad at me when I let one little word slip that wasn't even a "bad" word, and two days later, when we were talking again, he just blew up at me and threatend me saying that if I ever did that again he would never speak to me again. I thought and thought and thought about it and all I could come up with was that I had not said nearly as much as he had said, and that this was just another manifestation of his paranoia that he says he doesn't have.
When I apologized for saying what I said, he got even angrier. When I said I had not done it on purpose he did not believe me. He takes his experience of other "friends" who have deliberately antagonized him in the past, and judges me by them. He totally forgets the times I have stood by him, supported him, helped him, been there for him. He said he was too mad to talk anymore but that once he quit being mad at me we would talk.
Well, guess what. When he quits being mad at me, I may not be finished being mad at him. I may not be there when he calls. I may not want to talk to him.
I am not going to tiptoe around him trying to figure out if something I say will just annoy him, or make him really mad. I am not going to spend time with him letting him decide what we will watch on TV, what movie we will see, where we will go to eat. Last time he took me out to dinner he asked where I wanted to go and when I told him he said no, I could eat there anytime.
No, I can't. So we went where he had wanted to go all along. It was OK, but it was not food I really like.
I kept thinking he would get better, feel better, once he got clean.
Instead he is worse. He doesn't feel good, he isn't happy, and he doesn't treat me like a friend.
There is no one I know who I can talk to about how I am feeling. None of my friends know what I know about him and despite the fact that he doesn't trust me, I have never told them about him and I never will. They just know he is a friend of mine. They don't know his story.
I am not as upset as I thought I would be, or even hurt that he dumped me before I dumped him.
But I know that deep down inside I am upset, because I keep wanting to go somewhere to get away from it all and I can't. I can't sleep it off, I can't go away on a weekend trip, I can't even forget about it for a minute.
I almost wish I were one of the people who can take a pill or a drink to forget. But my brain isn't wired that way.
So that's why this long post. I miss my friend but I am not going to let him blow up at me again, I am not going to worry about what to say around him or whether or not I will annoy him. So now I am going through "friend withdrawal" and I'm just waiting for time to pass so I can start to get over him.
I am not going to be there anymore for him and since I was the last friend he had, he is now without any friends at all.
I don't know why that makes me sad.
He got so mad at me for something I said in a phone conversation. I didn't say anything explicit but he is so paranoid that his employer is tapping his phone, tracking his car, going to fire him. He has been like this ever since I've known him and I just do not think his employer is doing any of these things because they have not fired him, they have given him annual raises, they are not confronting him. His few friends told him he was being paranoid. His therapist thinks he is paranoid and needs treatment.
He got really mad at me when I let one little word slip that wasn't even a "bad" word, and two days later, when we were talking again, he just blew up at me and threatend me saying that if I ever did that again he would never speak to me again. I thought and thought and thought about it and all I could come up with was that I had not said nearly as much as he had said, and that this was just another manifestation of his paranoia that he says he doesn't have.
When I apologized for saying what I said, he got even angrier. When I said I had not done it on purpose he did not believe me. He takes his experience of other "friends" who have deliberately antagonized him in the past, and judges me by them. He totally forgets the times I have stood by him, supported him, helped him, been there for him. He said he was too mad to talk anymore but that once he quit being mad at me we would talk.
Well, guess what. When he quits being mad at me, I may not be finished being mad at him. I may not be there when he calls. I may not want to talk to him.
I am not going to tiptoe around him trying to figure out if something I say will just annoy him, or make him really mad. I am not going to spend time with him letting him decide what we will watch on TV, what movie we will see, where we will go to eat. Last time he took me out to dinner he asked where I wanted to go and when I told him he said no, I could eat there anytime.
No, I can't. So we went where he had wanted to go all along. It was OK, but it was not food I really like.
I kept thinking he would get better, feel better, once he got clean.
Instead he is worse. He doesn't feel good, he isn't happy, and he doesn't treat me like a friend.
There is no one I know who I can talk to about how I am feeling. None of my friends know what I know about him and despite the fact that he doesn't trust me, I have never told them about him and I never will. They just know he is a friend of mine. They don't know his story.
I am not as upset as I thought I would be, or even hurt that he dumped me before I dumped him.
But I know that deep down inside I am upset, because I keep wanting to go somewhere to get away from it all and I can't. I can't sleep it off, I can't go away on a weekend trip, I can't even forget about it for a minute.
I almost wish I were one of the people who can take a pill or a drink to forget. But my brain isn't wired that way.
So that's why this long post. I miss my friend but I am not going to let him blow up at me again, I am not going to worry about what to say around him or whether or not I will annoy him. So now I am going through "friend withdrawal" and I'm just waiting for time to pass so I can start to get over him.
I am not going to be there anymore for him and since I was the last friend he had, he is now without any friends at all.
I don't know why that makes me sad.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
^^^^
What Vale said!
Friendship is two-way with each giving as much as they get and it brings joy and bonding and something wonderful to each person.
What you have is an abuser (verbally and emotionally) and a victim (you).
He needs help...you are not it. I hope one day he gets it. I hope you are able to move on and that you find peace.
Hugs
What Vale said!
Friendship is two-way with each giving as much as they get and it brings joy and bonding and something wonderful to each person.
What you have is an abuser (verbally and emotionally) and a victim (you).
He needs help...you are not it. I hope one day he gets it. I hope you are able to move on and that you find peace.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Vale and Ann, thank you both very much. 
Vale, would you feel like posting more about addicts and their hostages? I have not heard that before your post but it really makes sense to me and I would like to read more about it.
Thanks again to you both! Ann, I really like your Winnie-the-Pooh quote.
Vale, would you feel like posting more about addicts and their hostages? I have not heard that before your post but it really makes sense to me and I would like to read more about it.
Thanks again to you both! Ann, I really like your Winnie-the-Pooh quote.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Firesong,
Googling "addicts+hostages" would do the topic so much
more justice than I ever could.......it is a VERY old concept in
addiction circles.
"One step closer and I'll blow my brains out"
(oh no, please don't! Here's some money!!)
Googling "addicts+hostages" would do the topic so much
more justice than I ever could.......it is a VERY old concept in
addiction circles.
"One step closer and I'll blow my brains out"
(oh no, please don't! Here's some money!!)
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