Husband quit but we're struggling
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 18
Husband quit but we're struggling
Hello there, this is my first post here. My husband was a functional alcoholic for the 15 years we've known each other--holding down a job and getting by okay, but drinking virtually every night to the point of being drunk or at least tipsy. Over the past few years it had gotten worse and he was passing out on the couch every night, forgetting conversations we'd had or shows we'd watched on TV while he was drinking. Usually the drinking just made him goofy and annoying, but it often fueled arguments between us. However, ever since a horrible incident 2 weeks ago, he hasn't had a drink. That's the good news, but the bad news is that both of us are struggling right now.
To try to give you a summary of what happened 2 weeks ago....We had an argument at night after the kids were in bed--about nothing out of the ordinary, just the same old stuff. He was drinking, of course, but I wasn't (I barely drink, maybe twice a year). I got angry and announced I was done talking to him, and I proceeded to go upstairs to our bedroom. I didn't slam or lock the door, I just closed it like we always do when we're going to bed.
A few minutes later, he followed me upstairs, KICKED OPEN the door (it was extremely loud and scared me to death), then announced, "I'm feeling violent" as he stood there staring at me from the other side of the room. I was terrified. I said, "Then I'm going to have to call someone" and I started to reach for the phone. But he told me, "If you do that, I will smash the phone out of your hands."
He came toward me then and started yelling at me about how I couldn't get away with walking out on him when he was trying to talk to me. I was shaking uncontrollably and I really thought he was going to hurt me. (He is 5 inches taller and 100 pounds heavier than me, so I wouldn't have stood a chance.) Thankfully, he managed to calm down and he went back to the other side of the room, but we continued to argue. Then at one point he said, "What are we even arguing about?" and I said, "Why don't you tell me? You're the one who kicked in the door."
I guess that set him off because he said, "I am DONE" and quickly left the room and went downstairs. However, within a couple of minutes I heard him coming back up the stairs. I immediately grabbed the phone, ran into our bathroom and locked the door. He was angry again, and I was terrified that he was going to hurt me. He kept trying to get me to open the door, saying he just wanted to talk, but I said we could talk tomorrow. I was sobbing. Finally he said he was going to wake up our kids if I didn't come out of the bathroom. That got me to come out. I said, "Why would you do that?!"
He said, "So they can bear witness to what is happening to our family." Then he said, "I just wanted you to open the door."
Anyway, I told him again that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. We both ended up going to bed then, barely speaking to each other. I tossed and turned all night and only slept for maybe an hour. The next morning, he apologized for scaring me, but I was so shaken up that I just didn't know what to say to him. I had NEVER seen him act the way he did that night, so out of control and angry. It was like he was a completely different person. It wasn't until the following morning, after our older kids had left for school, that I was able to gather my thoughts to confront him.
I told him that I had been extremely scared of him that night, and that I never want to feel that way again in my own house. I told him if our marriage is going to continue, I need to be able to feel safe around him again, and the ONLY way that will happen is if he NEVER, EVER drinks around me again.
His first reaction was to get defensive and say, "I don't do ultimatums." He said he couldn't stop drinking, that he didn't want to. Then he said he would stop drinking wine and liquor but he wanted to keep drinking beer. I kept telling him, "I cannot EVER AGAIN be around you when you are drinking. That is what I need to feel safe."
My goal was for him to say he would completely stop drinking, and I probably should have stuck to that. However, we finally agreed that he will never drink around me again and he will never again have any alcohol in the house. He wanted to still be able to go out for a beer with his coworkers (which he does maybe once a month, and he doesn't seem to drink very much). I worried that he would start going out more often, but so far that hasn't happened. In fact, he hasn't had a drink since that discussion...as far as I know, anyway.
The first couple of days after he stopped drinking were great. I felt a huge surge of affection for him to see that he was making such an effort. He even allowed me to throw out the big stash of alcohol in the house. Little by little, though, things started to eat away at me. He started making comments here and there...that he thought I had completely overreacted about our fight (he claims he was never going to hurt me, but he doesn't seem to remember half of what he said), that he thinks I'm being unreasonable by not allowing him to have "a couple of beers" at night (he has tried to cut back a million times in the past and it has never worked). He started saying half-jokingly, or maybe not jokingly at all, that he wants to go out with some random friend so he can drink, that he could easily hide alcohol from me if he wanted.
I started feeling very disappointed with his attitude, particularly the way he refuses to acknowledge that he was ever an alcoholic (he says, "I may have a drinking problem, but I'm not an alcoholic"...whatever that means) and the way he keeps trying to downplay our fight and telling me I completely overreacted. I've tried to have sympathy for him and what he's going through by quitting cold turkey. I told him there's nothing wrong with getting help from someone, but since he thinks he wasn't an alcoholic in the first place, he thinks he doesn't need any help. So I'm left to contend with his huge mood swings while he's going through withdrawals.
His mood is all over the place lately. For a few hours he'll be affectionate with me and things are fine, then suddenly he withdraws and seems angry at me. From the comments he makes here and there, I can tell that he resents me for making him stop drinking. Just knowing that he could possibly blame me for any of this makes me very upset and makes me question whether I want to stay in this marriage. Then he'll suddenly be affectionate with me again and I see him being nice to the kids and making a big effort to be healthy, and then I have hope again. But then his mood swings back to being resentful of me.
I keep wondering, "Is this the addiction talking? Or is this just who he really is?"
It's like this big pendulum swinging back and forth, and it's taking a toll on me. I feel emotionally exhausted and depressed. I've been reading online how these mood swings from withdrawals can go on for a very long time--months or years. Can I really put up with this for that long?! I feel like things would be so different if he had come to me after that fight and said, "You know, I'm horrified by my behavior that night, and it made me realize that I have to stop drinking." I feel like then it would be so much easier for me to endure these mood swings, knowing how determined he was to stop. Instead, although he apologized, he still is in denial about what happened and about how much of an alcohol problem he had, and it makes me worried that he could easily start drinking again.
We have 4 small children and I've been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, so leaving him would be difficult, but I'm thinking I need to work on a plan just in case. One way or another, I WILL stick to my word that I will not stay in this marriage if he drinks. Even if I have to live in a cardboard box on the street with our kids.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom or insight? I do care about him and I want to keep our family together...but this is so hard, much harder than I thought it would be.
To try to give you a summary of what happened 2 weeks ago....We had an argument at night after the kids were in bed--about nothing out of the ordinary, just the same old stuff. He was drinking, of course, but I wasn't (I barely drink, maybe twice a year). I got angry and announced I was done talking to him, and I proceeded to go upstairs to our bedroom. I didn't slam or lock the door, I just closed it like we always do when we're going to bed.
A few minutes later, he followed me upstairs, KICKED OPEN the door (it was extremely loud and scared me to death), then announced, "I'm feeling violent" as he stood there staring at me from the other side of the room. I was terrified. I said, "Then I'm going to have to call someone" and I started to reach for the phone. But he told me, "If you do that, I will smash the phone out of your hands."
He came toward me then and started yelling at me about how I couldn't get away with walking out on him when he was trying to talk to me. I was shaking uncontrollably and I really thought he was going to hurt me. (He is 5 inches taller and 100 pounds heavier than me, so I wouldn't have stood a chance.) Thankfully, he managed to calm down and he went back to the other side of the room, but we continued to argue. Then at one point he said, "What are we even arguing about?" and I said, "Why don't you tell me? You're the one who kicked in the door."
I guess that set him off because he said, "I am DONE" and quickly left the room and went downstairs. However, within a couple of minutes I heard him coming back up the stairs. I immediately grabbed the phone, ran into our bathroom and locked the door. He was angry again, and I was terrified that he was going to hurt me. He kept trying to get me to open the door, saying he just wanted to talk, but I said we could talk tomorrow. I was sobbing. Finally he said he was going to wake up our kids if I didn't come out of the bathroom. That got me to come out. I said, "Why would you do that?!"
He said, "So they can bear witness to what is happening to our family." Then he said, "I just wanted you to open the door."
Anyway, I told him again that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. We both ended up going to bed then, barely speaking to each other. I tossed and turned all night and only slept for maybe an hour. The next morning, he apologized for scaring me, but I was so shaken up that I just didn't know what to say to him. I had NEVER seen him act the way he did that night, so out of control and angry. It was like he was a completely different person. It wasn't until the following morning, after our older kids had left for school, that I was able to gather my thoughts to confront him.
I told him that I had been extremely scared of him that night, and that I never want to feel that way again in my own house. I told him if our marriage is going to continue, I need to be able to feel safe around him again, and the ONLY way that will happen is if he NEVER, EVER drinks around me again.
His first reaction was to get defensive and say, "I don't do ultimatums." He said he couldn't stop drinking, that he didn't want to. Then he said he would stop drinking wine and liquor but he wanted to keep drinking beer. I kept telling him, "I cannot EVER AGAIN be around you when you are drinking. That is what I need to feel safe."
My goal was for him to say he would completely stop drinking, and I probably should have stuck to that. However, we finally agreed that he will never drink around me again and he will never again have any alcohol in the house. He wanted to still be able to go out for a beer with his coworkers (which he does maybe once a month, and he doesn't seem to drink very much). I worried that he would start going out more often, but so far that hasn't happened. In fact, he hasn't had a drink since that discussion...as far as I know, anyway.
The first couple of days after he stopped drinking were great. I felt a huge surge of affection for him to see that he was making such an effort. He even allowed me to throw out the big stash of alcohol in the house. Little by little, though, things started to eat away at me. He started making comments here and there...that he thought I had completely overreacted about our fight (he claims he was never going to hurt me, but he doesn't seem to remember half of what he said), that he thinks I'm being unreasonable by not allowing him to have "a couple of beers" at night (he has tried to cut back a million times in the past and it has never worked). He started saying half-jokingly, or maybe not jokingly at all, that he wants to go out with some random friend so he can drink, that he could easily hide alcohol from me if he wanted.
I started feeling very disappointed with his attitude, particularly the way he refuses to acknowledge that he was ever an alcoholic (he says, "I may have a drinking problem, but I'm not an alcoholic"...whatever that means) and the way he keeps trying to downplay our fight and telling me I completely overreacted. I've tried to have sympathy for him and what he's going through by quitting cold turkey. I told him there's nothing wrong with getting help from someone, but since he thinks he wasn't an alcoholic in the first place, he thinks he doesn't need any help. So I'm left to contend with his huge mood swings while he's going through withdrawals.
His mood is all over the place lately. For a few hours he'll be affectionate with me and things are fine, then suddenly he withdraws and seems angry at me. From the comments he makes here and there, I can tell that he resents me for making him stop drinking. Just knowing that he could possibly blame me for any of this makes me very upset and makes me question whether I want to stay in this marriage. Then he'll suddenly be affectionate with me again and I see him being nice to the kids and making a big effort to be healthy, and then I have hope again. But then his mood swings back to being resentful of me.
I keep wondering, "Is this the addiction talking? Or is this just who he really is?"
It's like this big pendulum swinging back and forth, and it's taking a toll on me. I feel emotionally exhausted and depressed. I've been reading online how these mood swings from withdrawals can go on for a very long time--months or years. Can I really put up with this for that long?! I feel like things would be so different if he had come to me after that fight and said, "You know, I'm horrified by my behavior that night, and it made me realize that I have to stop drinking." I feel like then it would be so much easier for me to endure these mood swings, knowing how determined he was to stop. Instead, although he apologized, he still is in denial about what happened and about how much of an alcohol problem he had, and it makes me worried that he could easily start drinking again.
We have 4 small children and I've been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, so leaving him would be difficult, but I'm thinking I need to work on a plan just in case. One way or another, I WILL stick to my word that I will not stay in this marriage if he drinks. Even if I have to live in a cardboard box on the street with our kids.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom or insight? I do care about him and I want to keep our family together...but this is so hard, much harder than I thought it would be.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what brings you here, and so glad you found us.
That sounds scary and traumatic. Progression of the disease, along with domestic violence. Abuse is a serious problem also, whether emotional, verbal or physical. Not all alcoholics are abusive. There can be co-occurring issues of many kinds.
Domestic violence centers can be a good resource for help.
I've been married for a long time, was a stay-at-home mom, and was fearful of this chronic, progressive disease. I used to think that if my husband would get sober, I would be okay. Then I found out it doesn't tend to work that way.
Al-Anon is for the family and friends. It's a recovery program for those of us who've been affected by someone else's drinking.
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
AA members do service of sharing the program and their experience with others, if your husband is open to talking to anyone who can relate and understand.
Refusing to admit to a problem with addiction is actually a symptom of the disease.
What I'm learning in Alanon is very beneficial for myself and our kids.
Here's a bit of info about post acute withdrawal symptoms:
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
That sounds scary and traumatic. Progression of the disease, along with domestic violence. Abuse is a serious problem also, whether emotional, verbal or physical. Not all alcoholics are abusive. There can be co-occurring issues of many kinds.
Domestic violence centers can be a good resource for help.
I've been married for a long time, was a stay-at-home mom, and was fearful of this chronic, progressive disease. I used to think that if my husband would get sober, I would be okay. Then I found out it doesn't tend to work that way.
Al-Anon is for the family and friends. It's a recovery program for those of us who've been affected by someone else's drinking.
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
AA members do service of sharing the program and their experience with others, if your husband is open to talking to anyone who can relate and understand.
Refusing to admit to a problem with addiction is actually a symptom of the disease.
What I'm learning in Alanon is very beneficial for myself and our kids.
Here's a bit of info about post acute withdrawal symptoms:
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Correction for the second link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...periences.html
In case you aren't familiar with AA, here's a link for that.
Alcoholics Anonymous
If your husband isn't willing to talk to someone, it's okay to only be working your own program. Changed people change people. As I change my thoughts, behaviors and responses, everything changes.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...periences.html
In case you aren't familiar with AA, here's a link for that.
Alcoholics Anonymous
If your husband isn't willing to talk to someone, it's okay to only be working your own program. Changed people change people. As I change my thoughts, behaviors and responses, everything changes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
SeekingClarity, I would also like to say hi. The things that you are saying here is abuse. You shouldn't be afraid to be in your own home. I practically lived in my garage for about 4 years.
From what I was reading is that his behavior can be the same drinking or not, but not as explosive when he is not. (or at least not yet)
I would like to give you a phone number. 1-800-799-SAFE. It's a DV hotline.
I would also ask that you keep this place private. It's your place. You are part of our family now. Make sure that you erase all history and all cookies.
Just know that we are here for you.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
From what I was reading is that his behavior can be the same drinking or not, but not as explosive when he is not. (or at least not yet)
I would like to give you a phone number. 1-800-799-SAFE. It's a DV hotline.
I would also ask that you keep this place private. It's your place. You are part of our family now. Make sure that you erase all history and all cookies.
Just know that we are here for you.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 27
Aww bless you, i could have written your post over and over in my marriage. Its just so hard isn't it.
Firstly you've come to a great place here ...read read ask ask ...and I also went to all alon too very helpful, I encourage you to go, give it a go.
Big hugs its such a emotional horrible thing to go thru...I also found myself in big denial...and minimizing ...and thinking of a fix .
I hope you are doing ok...hang in there no huge decisions have to be make today...this week..this month...just look after yourself learn about problem drinking, etc.
Big hugs to you xxxxxxx
Firstly you've come to a great place here ...read read ask ask ...and I also went to all alon too very helpful, I encourage you to go, give it a go.
Big hugs its such a emotional horrible thing to go thru...I also found myself in big denial...and minimizing ...and thinking of a fix .
I hope you are doing ok...hang in there no huge decisions have to be make today...this week..this month...just look after yourself learn about problem drinking, etc.
Big hugs to you xxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 18
Thank you so much for the supportive replies. I really appreciate it. I haven't told anyone about all this--I'm too embarrassed somehow--so it's great to be able to talk to people on here, especially people who have been through similar things and can relate.
I'm interested in going to Al-Anon and I even discovered that there is a meeting that would be very convenient to go to. However, my husband would have to watch the kids for me, so I would have to tell him about it. I'm concerned at what his reaction would be if I told him I wanted to go to Al-Anon. He still doesn't think he was ever an alcoholic, and he gets so defensive any time I make reference to him having a problem, even when I'm just trying to make suggestions about how to get through withdrawals. I also think it would really bother him to think I was talking to a bunch of people about him. I can just picture myself coming home from a meeting and him acting very cold and distant, for days afterward.
Does anyone have ideas on what to say to him about wanting to go to Al-Anon? His moods are so up and down right now that I'm reluctant to do anything that will put him back in the "resentful" phase.
Thank you for the domestic violence information too. I will definitely look into it. Never in my life did I think I would be dealing with domestic violence myself. I thought that was something that happened to other people. During the whole time I've known him, we've had a lot of arguments but he rarely yelled and I never had reason to think he would hurt me--with one exception. About 4 years ago, we were arguing (he was drinking, of course) and I brought up a family member of his. He said, "If you ever mention him again, I will hit you." I was shocked. But he was on the other side of the room and fortunately, he calmed down pretty quickly. I didn't feel then that I was in immediate danger, like I did a couple of weeks ago. He apologized after that incident and we moved past it, but now I worry it was just one step in a progression.
I've always felt like I could work through anything in a marriage with the exception of physical abuse--or the threat of it. I always thought that was an instant deal-breaker. But it's hard to think of breaking our family apart and how that would affect our kids...so I've been trying to give him another chance. Still, I'm traumatized by what happened a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I find myself lying in bed at night next to him, and I suddenly imagine him rolling over and strangling me out of the blue. His behavior that night was so unexpected that I feel like it could happen again unexpectedly. It makes me feel physically ill. I literally cannot imagine myself ever being around him again when he is drinking. I would just be too scared. So this has to work or I am gone.
I'm interested in going to Al-Anon and I even discovered that there is a meeting that would be very convenient to go to. However, my husband would have to watch the kids for me, so I would have to tell him about it. I'm concerned at what his reaction would be if I told him I wanted to go to Al-Anon. He still doesn't think he was ever an alcoholic, and he gets so defensive any time I make reference to him having a problem, even when I'm just trying to make suggestions about how to get through withdrawals. I also think it would really bother him to think I was talking to a bunch of people about him. I can just picture myself coming home from a meeting and him acting very cold and distant, for days afterward.
Does anyone have ideas on what to say to him about wanting to go to Al-Anon? His moods are so up and down right now that I'm reluctant to do anything that will put him back in the "resentful" phase.
Thank you for the domestic violence information too. I will definitely look into it. Never in my life did I think I would be dealing with domestic violence myself. I thought that was something that happened to other people. During the whole time I've known him, we've had a lot of arguments but he rarely yelled and I never had reason to think he would hurt me--with one exception. About 4 years ago, we were arguing (he was drinking, of course) and I brought up a family member of his. He said, "If you ever mention him again, I will hit you." I was shocked. But he was on the other side of the room and fortunately, he calmed down pretty quickly. I didn't feel then that I was in immediate danger, like I did a couple of weeks ago. He apologized after that incident and we moved past it, but now I worry it was just one step in a progression.
I've always felt like I could work through anything in a marriage with the exception of physical abuse--or the threat of it. I always thought that was an instant deal-breaker. But it's hard to think of breaking our family apart and how that would affect our kids...so I've been trying to give him another chance. Still, I'm traumatized by what happened a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I find myself lying in bed at night next to him, and I suddenly imagine him rolling over and strangling me out of the blue. His behavior that night was so unexpected that I feel like it could happen again unexpectedly. It makes me feel physically ill. I literally cannot imagine myself ever being around him again when he is drinking. I would just be too scared. So this has to work or I am gone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Maybe your best bet for al-anon is seek out a day time meeting where maybe babysitting is available. Based on what you shared I don’t think telling him you are going to go is in your best interest right now. Maybe down the road if you stick with it but I’d suggest giving it a try first before even mentioning it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi (((SeekingClarity)))
I relate to much of what you posted! My AH stayed sober for nine months, before starting up again in July. He never sought help, never went to AA, and his moods were just as up and down during those nine months as when he was drinking.... He was still mean and controlling... just not AS violent.
I have learned there is a big difference between actual recovery, and just not drinking...
I worried that my AH would not like me going to Al-anon, and would try to stop me or make it difficult for me, but surprisingly, he never did. I started going when he stopped drinking, and my kids stayed home with him (during his nine months sober).
I told him that it really wasn't about his drinking, or about HIM at all, and that it was about me (true!) trying to be a better, happier person, and that hopefully it would improve my communication skills, which would in turn help our relationship.
He has thrown this back in my face many times during his angry rages... "Al-anon is doing nothing for you! What are you learning there? I'm doing my part. I stopped drinking... what are you doing to make things better?!"
Blah blah.... anyway,
((((hugs)))) to you
I relate to much of what you posted! My AH stayed sober for nine months, before starting up again in July. He never sought help, never went to AA, and his moods were just as up and down during those nine months as when he was drinking.... He was still mean and controlling... just not AS violent.
I have learned there is a big difference between actual recovery, and just not drinking...
I worried that my AH would not like me going to Al-anon, and would try to stop me or make it difficult for me, but surprisingly, he never did. I started going when he stopped drinking, and my kids stayed home with him (during his nine months sober).
I told him that it really wasn't about his drinking, or about HIM at all, and that it was about me (true!) trying to be a better, happier person, and that hopefully it would improve my communication skills, which would in turn help our relationship.
He has thrown this back in my face many times during his angry rages... "Al-anon is doing nothing for you! What are you learning there? I'm doing my part. I stopped drinking... what are you doing to make things better?!"
Blah blah.... anyway,
((((hugs)))) to you
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 107
SeekingClarity1, are there any updates with your situation? I am definitely concerned for your safety after reading your posts. He may not be drinking, but his mood swings and volatile behavior may not improve at all, since he is withdrawing. The other members have given some great resources. Please develop a safety plan (lots of info on this around this site) just in case.
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