bambidallas

My name is Bambi and I'm a 37 year old female. Two years ago next month my husband came home from an out of town job. He said he was at church that night. He passed out in the guest room. I looked at his phone. I spoke to a woman who said they had been having sex in a car and she said he had meth. I woke him up. He raged and began saying that the devil was inside him and hallucinated. Hours later he told me he had not been working but he had been in a hotel room with prostitutes using crystal meth for one month. He had been up for days. My entire life, my dreams of having a family, everything was destroyed.
Despite hospitals, rehabs, church help, nothing mattered. I had to divorce the person I loved so much because he was dangerous, violent, abusive. Over the last two years I watched a weight lifter, on fire for God, successful human deteriorate to a skeleton of a person who now lives in a trailer, lost his work vehicle, penniless man.
Five months ago he came back into my life saying he was sober 7 months. We had a great month. Just one. Granted he was high on marijuana. Then he realized he can't use marijuana on probation. Then he relapsed on meth. And for the past four months he's relapsed over and over again. He threatens suicide pretty much daily. He says he gives up. He has no car, no money, no job, no rent. He manipulates. He blames others. He refuses to go to rehab. I have started Al Anon. I am learning but I struggle. Though I do not see him sometime he randomly shows up places that I'm at. Tonight he said he had no food, no car, no money. He asked me to come "rescue him". I would so much love to go get him from his trailer park, scoop up him and his dog, and bring them to my lovely home. If I thought for one minute that would solve the problem. If I thought for one second that would cure his addiction. He would be in bed with me right now. But I know from experience my "rescue" will do nothing but cause me pain, disrupt my life, and prevent him from hitting bottom (if there is such a thing for him). I did however, buy him a pizza. I had it sent to his trailer. I don't know if this was co-dependent. I know he's given me money in the past before I was successful. I know when he's sober he's such a different person. I know he's a human who had no food all week. I know I couldn't interact with him. That was the best I could do for today. Maybe it was too much. Maybe it was too little.
Why do I still care about him? Why do I not hate him? Why can I not stop thinking about his potential. I keep remembering who he is sober. The most amazing person. Why can I not accept this is who he is? I have to move on or I'll be alone forever. I'll miss out on my dreams. I'll be alone. But no one else that I meet even comes close to how I felt about him when we dated.

crackingBozo

Frankly, I'm surprised you're not emotionally detached yet considering what you've been through and how he's been. You love him that much huh?
Unfortunately, he's gotta love himself too. He must be willing to quit. Not for you, not for the relationship---but for himself. He's gotta want it as much as you do.

Giving him pizza or food is not enabling him (I just hope he's not trading it for drugs), and may I say you are awesome for not giving in to his call for "rescue". It's hard, but it's the right thing to do. When he is good and ready, you can help him by checking him into a treatment facility, then hope and pray that he comes out renewed.

Keep posting, it's a great way to lessen your burden. If you need to talk, count me in.

Ann

I too know the pain of watching someone we love self-destruct (for me it was my son), and I admire your clarity already, that even through the pain you can see that there is no place good for you in all this.

Kindness is not enabling, if it makes you feel better to provide food for a hungry person, God bless you and God bless him.

Al-anon will help, coming here will help, wrap yourself in support and know that you don't have to do this alone, we walk with you on this journey and truly do understand your pain.

Hugs

hopepraylove

I would have done the same (in terms of ordering pizza) and I would have done the same (in not going to rescue him). Unfortunately we can't love our addicts clean. Sending you hugs, stay strong, keep coming back and keep going to Al Anon.

CaringScared

I agree. Kindness is not enabling. You did enough.

Sometimes, when we are going through hard times, we feel like they will never end. But somehow they do. You CAN get over this. You CAN move on. The feelings of love and hurt will not be forever.

I'm forty-three. Thirty-seven is young. There are other men out there, but you don't have to think about that now. I would say just trust that you might feel differently tomorrow, and in the meantime keep making good decisions. And DON'T feel guilty. I am telling you, I see you doing nothing wrong. He is on his own timetable.

bambidallas

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!!!

bambidallas

Thank you so much for replying! It reminds me Im not alone and they're are others who are going through this. A son you can't just forget about. I have a choice to not be involved. But i make a choice to involve myself.

bambidallas

Thank you so much! You are so right!

bambidallas

Thanks for responding!! I hope there are other men out there who arent addicts! I know they're are. I have to move on, and I do make small steps forward, but then i "relapse" on him. I wonder how he is, if hes ok, if his dog is getting fed. Its always the same. Crisis after crisis. I know God doesnt need my help. I wish i could stop caring about him.