FireSprite

This is something that is a work in progress for me - I try to be vigilant but it creeps back in slowly sometimes, under the radar. It makes a huge difference when I reduce/remove it from my life. Once I start paying attention I see it in so many small ways. Like, my first thought upon waking being, "Ugh, not enough sleep"

Or, using the word "hate" at all - I rarely, if ever, mean it. It's the ugliest of all 4-letter words to me. I'm removing it from my working vocabulary & replacing it with something closer to the truth... "This irritates me", etc. Even if I'm not directing hate at myself, I'm making room for it to be acceptable in my life, you know? And sometimes spreading it to others under the guise of meaningless chit-chat, "Don'cha hate it when that happens?"

Even in small ways like this, it matters for me. Anyone else find it sneaking into your world in less obvious ways like this?

JustAnotherDay

I try to not apologize for everything! "Sorry I brushed against you in line" "sorry I spoke out of turn" sorry, sorry, sorry...

But then to it doesnt help that its proper southern culture to apologize profusely for minor mishaps.

FireSprite

Yes! I did that for a VERY long time! I counted the number of times I apologized in a single day & I was shocked.

Wanted to share this graphic about this topic (I apologize if it's too large, I didn't want to reduce it too much & have it be too difficult to read):

firebolt

Ooh, you sound like you are GOOD at recognizing it.

I recognize when the big ones hit - and especially if they send me into a ruminating spiral, and I am getting good at stopping those, but I am JUST NOW starting to recognize my tiny voice of negative self talk. And Whole - ley...it is FREQUENT!

Would love to hear tome tips here on recognizing the quiet negative, judgy, and the codie voices...they come to me pretty naturally haha.

My only thought is when we catch it, we can immediately replace it with something positive, something about "what is" or gratitude. Like you said - replacing the 'hate' in your life with something more honest.

"Ugg - not enough sleep last night" "Welp, it's beautiful outside and I have coffee."

Thanks for bringing this up - it's pretty new to me!

Kboys

Now that my kids are becoming more verbal, they have been really helping me to notice some of these negative behaviors I have.... like how often I use the words "hate" and "stupid".
It makes me feel awful to hear my 2-year-old tell me he "hates" something and know that he learned it from me. I've been trying to use other words also.

Thanks for this thread FireSprite

entropy1964

Negative self talk is a big challenge for me. And I do find that I need to train my mind, choose, to be kind, patient and loving toward myself. I sometimes look at it like I have several 'me's' inside my head. I have a critical parent, a wounded child and then the authentic me (and she is always quiet, but usually right). The more I listen to the quiet voice, the more that voice is able to shut down the critical parent, hug the wounded child and move forward with confidence. It takes practice. I do believe that happiness is a choice. I think I used booze initially because it made me 'happy' so to speak without really trying. I know now that happiness is a discipline.

The toughest mental gymnastics that I face right now is obsessive thinking. Circular thinking. Thinking round and round about things I regret or have no control over (usually one and the same). It is so hard for me to stop those thoughts. Any suggestions?

teatreeoil007

I use the word once in a while...I had stopped using for a long time and then I was around a close friend a lot who I thought very highly of who used the hate quite a bit and I started to use a little too! I realize it IS negative word when less harsh words would work just find. We just need to stop and think before we speak...stretch our thinking a little and come up with a better word! thx for your post!

FireSprite

It's really difficult & I find that all of this takes practice, practice, practice. I had to train myself to say it before I believed it, but then I believed in it as a result of accepting the words I'd been hearing. It's a strange psychological cycle.

I think recognizing the circular thinking is huge - that awareness can be very difficult at first. Sometimes it works for me to give myself permission to just think about it later - I got that from another member here. It's like acknowledging that yes, this is a Real Thing but I'm going to make time for it later instead of now. I often had to physically change tasks too - a total gear shift to something new & something different to focus on.... literally forcing myself away from the thought in every context. Over time I just came back to that original thought less & less & the circles got smaller.

For me I had to teach myself to wait for the 2nd thought that followed the Negative Nelly. And if there wasn't a 2nd, conflicting voice objecting to that first, self-offensive thought, I manifested it myself & gave myself scripted mantras to use until an organic thought developed. I had to replace the negative with positive & that didn't always come easily or naturally.... especially at first. (exactly like your example, firebolt) With enough practice & reinforcement the crappy thinking fades on it's own because it isn't getting attention any longer.

Like I said, progress - I still find a lot of little ways like this that I hadn't paid attention to at first. And sometimes I disguise it so well under a layer of sarcasm that it can be hard to spot, lol. Glad I'm in good company!

firebolt

I wore one of those rubber bracelets for a while (the ones that started out as 'livestrong' but now have about anything on them.

I just started paying attention...it was easy, because my obsessive circular spiraling makes me anxious, or gave me a tension headache. I just started making a mental note out of my being anxious or having a headache, and 9 times out of 10, i was mentally dwelling / spiraling / future tripping / ruminating on something.

When I noticed the pattern in my head, I would literally snap my bracelet several times and say "STOP.' And I would stop. It's like interrupting a ceiling fan. It does stop if you make it.

Someone here told me that trick - it works - wish I could remember who to thank. I don't need the bracelet anymore, I just stop it...and it rarely even starts up anymore.

Uplifting

I don't know if this helps, but I can totally identify with obsessive thinking, almost more than subtle negative self-talk.. and for me, I found Tara Brach's meditation, and mindfulness exercises extremely useful, although challenging to practice and remember to do in the moment. She has some great podcasts and exercises on her website tarabrach.com, one that particularly resonated with me in regards to my addiction/codependency, etc was called Pursuit of the Hungry Ghost, (I believe this is it) in case anyone finds helpful to check out, I highly recommend

AnvilheadII

i don't have a lot of negative chatter in my head anymore but i DO still have some! i am 56, menopausal female, and i have developed this "middle" that i do not understand, did not ASK for, and can't seem to rid of. my weight on the scale has not changed, but where the extra stuff hangs out on my body HAS.

and i feel fat and yucky and unattractive, and half the time i hate EVERYTHING in my wardrobe, except for the flannel jammie FISH pants i absconded from hank and a comfy Day of Caring t-shirt. this mental negative image means i also want NOTHING to do with sex, which would mean i might have to remove some clothing and have my disgusting fat belly exposed.

i have to fight every day with the chatter and talk myself into being ok inside my own skin. i so appreciate my body for getting me this far, but dammit, this crap around the middle is just BVLLSHIT.

Stung

YES!!

Brene Brown talks about how the last thing we do when we go to bed is say: "I didn't get enough done." Then the first thing we say when we wake up is "I didn't get enough sleep." It really is an awful habit to get into and difficult to get out of.

Also, I read over parts in children's books that use "hate" or "stupid" or "fat" (and I'm truly shocked at how frequently they appear. The Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin movie has a line where Charlie Brown says that he might as well kill himself...I cringe!) I'm always struggling with whether I'm being too sensitive or doing my children a service by not introducing them to these words in our home, at least.

teatreeoil007

Wow!!

Very cool spiral...

🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥

teatreeoil007

I am just now starting to read Brene Brown's "The Gifts Of Imperfection"...even the forward is good so far...

jjj111

Thanks for this thread! I've long suffered from a lot of guilt and shame. I've been paying more attention to it recently and realized that I have sort of obsessive thoughts where a memory of something I did that I'm ashamed of pops up and then I feel this wave of shame. Mostly it's about times when I was insensitive to other people, or about when I was younger and still drinking and acted carelessly. I read someone on here talking about trying to replace negative self talk with positive thoughts, and so I've started doing something when these thoughts pop up that helps--I let myself really explore the memory instead of pushing it down in a wave of shame, and then I tell myself "I forgive myself for that." Sometimes if I'm alone, I even say it out loud, which feels like even more of a release. I'm finding that doing this really helps me let go of the shame!

teatreeoil007

Right on!

FireSprite

I think I may have developed a teensy, tiny, girl-crush on Mrs. Brene. "Daring Greatly" was incredible, "the Gifts of Imperfection" deeply affected me & "the Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection & Courage" changed the way I view myself & others around me. (it's a 6-CD teaching lecture vs being a formal book)

I have Rising Strong, her newest, but I'm holding off until I finish her earlier work first. Her work is significant in my recovery at this point. A lot of her points are extremely validating about some of the choices I've made along the way.

Bekindalways

Thanks for this thread! Negative self-talk is a huge habit with me and shame seems to be my default emotion. Yuck.

I like jjj111's description of letting the memory come, relive it and then say/think, "I forgive myself." This seems like pouring love into the hatred instead of hating the hatred i.e. pushing it away. (I don't know if this makes sense.) Anyhow more transformative than the pushing away.

At my sister's suggestion, I started keeping "Done lists" instead of "To Do lists". This made me focus on what I have accomplished rather than what I haven't accomplished. It helps me look more positively on myself and sometimes I am honestly surprised at what I have gotten done in a day.

Thumper

What a great thread! I had a lot of negative self talk when I first came here. A lot. I worked so hard at halting that. I mostly have - or at least come to the point where I can stop it right away. I still have work to do about body image negativity. Actually that is new. I'm kinda at that same place in age where my body is very different. It feels different, it looks different, it functions different. I don't like it.

I love the idea of taking this to the next step and stopping some of the internal negative chatter surrounding life's daily details. Thanks! I'm also saving that spiral info-graphic.

Scott834

I am doing the same things to eliminate negative talk in my life. I just have to identifying them and replace it. It is a long process but it is working.

I watched a TED Talk titled fake it til you make it by Amy Cuddy. It is on youtube like everything else. It is a good video. It gave me inspiration and some tools on how to be more of what I want to be.