New Comer Here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 61
New Comer Here
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking as an unregistered user for a few days now as I contemplated this idea that's been rolling around in my head. The idea is sobriety, but a million excuses are warring in my mind against it, so I felt like maybe the next best step would be to join the forum instead of just reading it in the shadows. (By the way- GREAT stuff here, and super helpful)
I'm a mom and a soon-to-be counselor. I just wrapped up graduate school with my masters in counseling and passed my comprehensive exam. There's one more licensing test to take, but I haven't decided when I'm going to take it yet. Or if.
I'm kind of lost in general. I am a foster parent who recently adopted some of my foster children. Their case was awful and I suffered secondary trauma while helping them navigate through their own. We've been enduring that for two years, and then earlier this year, one of my best friends lost her little girl at only 4 years old very unexpectedly. I haven't been the same. I'm still in a fog of grief and since we were there when she passed away and were present for the whole horrible experience, I have struggled with PTSD as a result.
I probably definitely should have taken a break from my counseling internships to deal with my grief, trauma, and loss of the past year, but I felt as though I couldn't (student loan debt and all), so I pushed through. I have turned to alcohol to cope. I've been drinking steadily for about two years, almost three.
I've always struggled with anxiety, but then I discovered wine and that helped take the edge off. I've read books written by alcoholics in their struggles, and I'm not typical to any of those stories, which has only helped me stay in denial of my problem.
I've never had a drink earlier than 5 p.m. Never driven drunk. Never gotten a DUI or been in an accident. Never been in a fight, never been cut off by a waiter. But I know. On average, I drink anywhere from a bottle to two bottles of wine every night. I might skip a day or two during the week to make myself feel better when I start getting worried that I'm drinking too much and too often. Mornings suck. I mean, bad.
Stress leads me to drink more, thinking I "need" to drink to deal with whatever I'm going through. And lately, I'm always going through something.
I tend to binge on the weekends.
When I first started really drinking heavily two years ago, I had some embarrassing mornings where I forgot that I had a speech therapist coming by to work with one of my kids, and found that the kids had let her in. I slept in until 10. That was awful. I was mortified, and although in the moment I was sure she thought I just wasn't feeling well, I know now that she would be a fool to not know. That's humiliating when I remember it.
I feel a lot of shame. A LOT of shame. I'm a Christian, very active in my church, but I can't say that I have a close relationship with God right now. It's easier for me to just compartmentalize all my personal convictions and my spiritual life than to face it head on. I don't even know where to start at this point.
Fostering children in need led me to want to be a counselor to reach even more children in need of an advocate, but after the death of my friend's daughter, I haven't been able to see children clients. It's just too much. I switched to a geriatric population to finish out my internship, which I enjoyed, but even then that didn't slow my drinking habits. By that time, they were a solid part of my evening routine.
I kind of feel like in the past two years, although I fought hard to help other people in need, I lost myself in the process. Thanks to drinking (and then waking up hung over and eating my weight in greasy fast food), I've put on about 45 pounds in that time period. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
I drink to stop feeling things, all of those terrible feelings that float around in my mind and cause my joints and muscles to ache and twist. The memories and pain that I can't quiet that makes my stomach turn into knots and creates a cold sweat down my neck. One glass worked for a while (since I hadn't ever been a drinker before that period of time), but within months, I needed two to stop feeling unhappy, and now it's five or six or more.
I hate waking up in the morning feeling like I'm going to die of thirst or worse yet- still feeling drunk. I hate feeling dizzy and stumbly. I hate going about my routine and keeping so many secrets from so many people. I'm sick of waking up with a headache, muscle cramps from dehydration, low blood sugar, and an overwhelming sense of regret and shame that could knock me off of my feet. So I'm exploring this idea of sobriety.
So far, I binged on Friday night (Oct. 24th) and it was BAD. I got very little sleep, then spent the rest of the day in a fog of anxiety and regret and shame. Saturday I had a few glasses of wine with dinner at my in-laws'. I had three, one before dinner, one with dinner, and one after, all spaced out over several hours. Sunday I thought, "Nah, I'm good!..." and binged again. I woke up Monday still reeling with shame over how I felt Saturday and couldn't believe I'd done it again. So I guess I'm done.
I started feeling anxious Monday night and had a beer that I didn't finish and then went to bed super early. I woke up around 10 pm and the anxiety was overwhelming. My mind was racing and I felt like I was losing control. Somehow I managed to fall back asleep and surprisingly slept pretty good.
I drank nothing yesterday, and last night slept terribly. I'm exhausted today. I'm glad I didn't have the lucid nightmares I was expecting (which I am prone to and had for years when I was sober), but it was still a rough night of tossing and turning and mind-racing.
I don't want to keep doing this over and over. I want to go through this yucky period to get to the other side where it's easier. I know it does get easier. As a counselor, I know all the right things to say and all the facts about addiction and sobriety. I know how the body reacts in detox and what to do about it and what to look for in terms of dangerous signs. But I don't know how to muster up the will power to not say "Screw it, I need sleep before I lose my mind" and then down a bottle.
So that's where I am today. Thank you for listening and for having me. I look forward to getting to know you guys better and receiving some much needed support and encouragement.
-BellJar.
I've been lurking as an unregistered user for a few days now as I contemplated this idea that's been rolling around in my head. The idea is sobriety, but a million excuses are warring in my mind against it, so I felt like maybe the next best step would be to join the forum instead of just reading it in the shadows. (By the way- GREAT stuff here, and super helpful)
I'm a mom and a soon-to-be counselor. I just wrapped up graduate school with my masters in counseling and passed my comprehensive exam. There's one more licensing test to take, but I haven't decided when I'm going to take it yet. Or if.
I'm kind of lost in general. I am a foster parent who recently adopted some of my foster children. Their case was awful and I suffered secondary trauma while helping them navigate through their own. We've been enduring that for two years, and then earlier this year, one of my best friends lost her little girl at only 4 years old very unexpectedly. I haven't been the same. I'm still in a fog of grief and since we were there when she passed away and were present for the whole horrible experience, I have struggled with PTSD as a result.
I probably definitely should have taken a break from my counseling internships to deal with my grief, trauma, and loss of the past year, but I felt as though I couldn't (student loan debt and all), so I pushed through. I have turned to alcohol to cope. I've been drinking steadily for about two years, almost three.
I've always struggled with anxiety, but then I discovered wine and that helped take the edge off. I've read books written by alcoholics in their struggles, and I'm not typical to any of those stories, which has only helped me stay in denial of my problem.
I've never had a drink earlier than 5 p.m. Never driven drunk. Never gotten a DUI or been in an accident. Never been in a fight, never been cut off by a waiter. But I know. On average, I drink anywhere from a bottle to two bottles of wine every night. I might skip a day or two during the week to make myself feel better when I start getting worried that I'm drinking too much and too often. Mornings suck. I mean, bad.
Stress leads me to drink more, thinking I "need" to drink to deal with whatever I'm going through. And lately, I'm always going through something.
I tend to binge on the weekends.
When I first started really drinking heavily two years ago, I had some embarrassing mornings where I forgot that I had a speech therapist coming by to work with one of my kids, and found that the kids had let her in. I slept in until 10. That was awful. I was mortified, and although in the moment I was sure she thought I just wasn't feeling well, I know now that she would be a fool to not know. That's humiliating when I remember it.
I feel a lot of shame. A LOT of shame. I'm a Christian, very active in my church, but I can't say that I have a close relationship with God right now. It's easier for me to just compartmentalize all my personal convictions and my spiritual life than to face it head on. I don't even know where to start at this point.
Fostering children in need led me to want to be a counselor to reach even more children in need of an advocate, but after the death of my friend's daughter, I haven't been able to see children clients. It's just too much. I switched to a geriatric population to finish out my internship, which I enjoyed, but even then that didn't slow my drinking habits. By that time, they were a solid part of my evening routine.
I kind of feel like in the past two years, although I fought hard to help other people in need, I lost myself in the process. Thanks to drinking (and then waking up hung over and eating my weight in greasy fast food), I've put on about 45 pounds in that time period. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
I drink to stop feeling things, all of those terrible feelings that float around in my mind and cause my joints and muscles to ache and twist. The memories and pain that I can't quiet that makes my stomach turn into knots and creates a cold sweat down my neck. One glass worked for a while (since I hadn't ever been a drinker before that period of time), but within months, I needed two to stop feeling unhappy, and now it's five or six or more.
I hate waking up in the morning feeling like I'm going to die of thirst or worse yet- still feeling drunk. I hate feeling dizzy and stumbly. I hate going about my routine and keeping so many secrets from so many people. I'm sick of waking up with a headache, muscle cramps from dehydration, low blood sugar, and an overwhelming sense of regret and shame that could knock me off of my feet. So I'm exploring this idea of sobriety.
So far, I binged on Friday night (Oct. 24th) and it was BAD. I got very little sleep, then spent the rest of the day in a fog of anxiety and regret and shame. Saturday I had a few glasses of wine with dinner at my in-laws'. I had three, one before dinner, one with dinner, and one after, all spaced out over several hours. Sunday I thought, "Nah, I'm good!..." and binged again. I woke up Monday still reeling with shame over how I felt Saturday and couldn't believe I'd done it again. So I guess I'm done.
I started feeling anxious Monday night and had a beer that I didn't finish and then went to bed super early. I woke up around 10 pm and the anxiety was overwhelming. My mind was racing and I felt like I was losing control. Somehow I managed to fall back asleep and surprisingly slept pretty good.
I drank nothing yesterday, and last night slept terribly. I'm exhausted today. I'm glad I didn't have the lucid nightmares I was expecting (which I am prone to and had for years when I was sober), but it was still a rough night of tossing and turning and mind-racing.
I don't want to keep doing this over and over. I want to go through this yucky period to get to the other side where it's easier. I know it does get easier. As a counselor, I know all the right things to say and all the facts about addiction and sobriety. I know how the body reacts in detox and what to do about it and what to look for in terms of dangerous signs. But I don't know how to muster up the will power to not say "Screw it, I need sleep before I lose my mind" and then down a bottle.
So that's where I am today. Thank you for listening and for having me. I look forward to getting to know you guys better and receiving some much needed support and encouragement.
-BellJar.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
BellJar, welcome to the posting side.
Of course, your story is our story, and we get it.
The sleep issues are tough, but hang on. I found that when I woke at 3AM with spinny brain, if I fixed some hot chocolate and a piece of toast and logged on to SoberRecovery and just read a little while I ate I was usually able to go back to sleep in 30-45 minutes. Sometimes it's just blood sugar but also - getting out of my own head by reading here helped a lot.
The sleep issues will pass, and you'll sleep when you need it. Look at it as a small price to pay to get your life back.
Of course, your story is our story, and we get it.
The sleep issues are tough, but hang on. I found that when I woke at 3AM with spinny brain, if I fixed some hot chocolate and a piece of toast and logged on to SoberRecovery and just read a little while I ate I was usually able to go back to sleep in 30-45 minutes. Sometimes it's just blood sugar but also - getting out of my own head by reading here helped a lot.
The sleep issues will pass, and you'll sleep when you need it. Look at it as a small price to pay to get your life back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 61
Thanks for responding, biminiblue.
I have a question for everyone out there....
Since it's Halloween and I'm getting sober THIS week of all weeks, I'm reflecting on how Halloween used to be with my kids. I was the mom who hand-stitched costumes, who decorated pumpkins, who let the kids decorate the house with fake spiderwebs. I was fun, and I wanted their experiences to be fun. And then in the past two years, I just am constantly in survival mode. So will I get all of that desire back? I mean, now that I'm detoxing, I certainly don't feel like it, but maybe after the waves stop crashing, will I be fun mom again? A mom who'll make brownies just because and who will enjoy reading to my kids again? I want all of that back, and I feel so guilty that it's gone. Will the desires return?
-BellJar
I have a question for everyone out there....
Since it's Halloween and I'm getting sober THIS week of all weeks, I'm reflecting on how Halloween used to be with my kids. I was the mom who hand-stitched costumes, who decorated pumpkins, who let the kids decorate the house with fake spiderwebs. I was fun, and I wanted their experiences to be fun. And then in the past two years, I just am constantly in survival mode. So will I get all of that desire back? I mean, now that I'm detoxing, I certainly don't feel like it, but maybe after the waves stop crashing, will I be fun mom again? A mom who'll make brownies just because and who will enjoy reading to my kids again? I want all of that back, and I feel so guilty that it's gone. Will the desires return?
-BellJar
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Oh it returns staying sober has brought my neice back in my life I'm cooking dinner tonight I bought a new oven a king size bed almost finished renovating the home done short college courses
It definitly comes back I can tell by your post how much this means to you
Really nice to meet you
It definitly comes back I can tell by your post how much this means to you
Really nice to meet you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: England
Posts: 90
Hi Belljar good to see you here, I am a frequent lurker but as someone on here said to me recently it helps more to speak your truth and post. I am also trying to kick the one to two bottles of wine a night. I can sense it getting more of a hold, now is the time. Good luck to you and keep posting 
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
WELCOME!!!
You have come to the right place. I can tell you that one of my motivating factors in getting sober was my kids. I have 4 at home, various ages, and they are getting into many activities. With that being said, I didn't want to be the drunk dad or hungover dad that couldn't or wouldn't be there for them. I want to be able to hang the Halloween decorations, dress up and hand out candy. I want be the dad who can wake up early, let the wife sleep in, and take the kids to early soccer games. I promise you this will all be easier sober. I am also a Christian and am not as active in church as I want to be, but feel I have a very close relationship with God and I can say it is easier to stay sober once I asked Him for help. I have dealt with the sleep issues, the anxiety, the constant hamster wheel spinning in your brain and it all goes away the further you get from that last drink.
I wish you all the best and encourage you to keep reading and keep posting. Know that there SR is here for you 24/7/365.
You have come to the right place. I can tell you that one of my motivating factors in getting sober was my kids. I have 4 at home, various ages, and they are getting into many activities. With that being said, I didn't want to be the drunk dad or hungover dad that couldn't or wouldn't be there for them. I want to be able to hang the Halloween decorations, dress up and hand out candy. I want be the dad who can wake up early, let the wife sleep in, and take the kids to early soccer games. I promise you this will all be easier sober. I am also a Christian and am not as active in church as I want to be, but feel I have a very close relationship with God and I can say it is easier to stay sober once I asked Him for help. I have dealt with the sleep issues, the anxiety, the constant hamster wheel spinning in your brain and it all goes away the further you get from that last drink.
I wish you all the best and encourage you to keep reading and keep posting. Know that there SR is here for you 24/7/365.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK, South Coast
Posts: 605
Hey welcome, u've come to the right place, im on day 11 of my new sober life. Alot of what u said sounds similar 2 me. I just got tired of feeling depressed, anxious & ashamed. Im a mum too & feel in the last yr ive really been a **** mum & not really made a special effort with my kids. I finally decided to start addressing my issues, these were depression & binge drinking. Ive been lucky & ive taken 8 weeks off work (paid) ive been put on antidepressants & have now quit drinking, all that along with this site has helped me feel positive about my life & not wake up thinking what a **** boring life i have!!!!
Ive been really getting into arts & crafts with the boys & getting back to my baking!!! It feels great, good luck & we're all here for u!!!x
Ive been really getting into arts & crafts with the boys & getting back to my baking!!! It feels great, good luck & we're all here for u!!!x
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,464
Welcome, I, too wondered if I would be the same person I was before I started drinking. That didn't happen, but the changes in me were positive changes. For example, I let go of the control-freak aspect of my life, which had always been exhausting.
It sounds like you're ready to change your life.
It sounds like you're ready to change your life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome Beljar. It does get easier and with the amount you have on your plate I would think being sober would make things much easier to deal with. Maybe, since you are a counselor, write out a plan for yourself, one that you would recommend to someone coming to see you for help. Read your post as if it's someone else. What would you tell them to do? And love yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first....then you can help others.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome aboard Belljar. This place saved my life, I truly believe that. If you put in the effort, this Community can help see you through the tough times.
As a counselor, you know this is a difficult road, but one that you can navigate and get through. You do have the power to get your life back. One of the big reasons I quit was also because of my kids. I felt disgusted of the dad I turned into. My every waking moment revolved around drinking to some extent; either drinking or planning for drinking. I never neglected my kids, but I knew I was capable of so much more. Life goes by way too fast, you never know when you will run out of tomorrows; especially if you are feeding your addiction.
You will definitely return to how you were in your pre-drinking days. You can mold your life into what ever you want it to be as long as you aren't controlled by the bottle. With every passing day that you are sober, you are closer to getting your life back.
Trust me, the outcome is worth all of the effort and energy you will put into staying sober. And yes... it does get easier with time.
Lean on us as much as you need.
Welcome!
As a counselor, you know this is a difficult road, but one that you can navigate and get through. You do have the power to get your life back. One of the big reasons I quit was also because of my kids. I felt disgusted of the dad I turned into. My every waking moment revolved around drinking to some extent; either drinking or planning for drinking. I never neglected my kids, but I knew I was capable of so much more. Life goes by way too fast, you never know when you will run out of tomorrows; especially if you are feeding your addiction.
You will definitely return to how you were in your pre-drinking days. You can mold your life into what ever you want it to be as long as you aren't controlled by the bottle. With every passing day that you are sober, you are closer to getting your life back.
Trust me, the outcome is worth all of the effort and energy you will put into staying sober. And yes... it does get easier with time.
Lean on us as much as you need.
Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 61
I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for the warm welcome and the words of encouragement. I checked in off and on throughout the day, and your encouraging words really kept me focused on my goal. Today was our church's Halloween festival, and it's the first time I've attended in 3 years where I didn't go home and drink (or think about drinking during the festival). It honestly felt kind of surreal and disconnected. I guess that's the "fog" that people speak of? I've also had quite a lot of stomach upset today which hasn't been fun. I'm a DIY kind of mom, so I took on the task of making costumes for 2 of my 3 children (yeah, the week I decided to get sober- not a great idea). I was SO grouchy and irritable this afternoon trying to get it all done. I was snapping at everyone, yelling at the kids, yelling at my husband.
Thankfully, he knows what I'm attempting here and he was supportive and jumped right in and helped me make a Peter Pan hat.
Thanks again for your support. Where on here is a good place for me to kind of log my day-by-day feelings and experiences, if there is such a thread?
BellJar
Thankfully, he knows what I'm attempting here and he was supportive and jumped right in and helped me make a Peter Pan hat.
Thanks again for your support. Where on here is a good place for me to kind of log my day-by-day feelings and experiences, if there is such a thread?
BellJar
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