AB went to first AA meeting tonight...
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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AB went to first AA meeting tonight...
...and he didn't want to talk about it. His drinking has been an issue since we have been together (not long, only 3 months), and its been bad enough recently that it got abusive verbally and nearly physically. He messed up royally and finally decided that he needed help, but then went ahead and called his A friend (military buddies) because "he knew about the meetings" etc and I guess he felt like he was someone he could trust. Mind you the A friend is a terrible influence, started drinking again the day he got back from rehab. I told my AB that I didn't support the friendship, but quickly got reamed out for not knowing the friend, what they went through as military buddies, etc etc. I guess I should be happy that he went tonight, but being an addict myself (recovering ED and A) I wanted to go into alot of detail. I guess he's just not ready yet. Should I give him time? Input and feedback highly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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3 months and his drinking has been a problem from the get go, AND he is verbally and "almost" physically abusive????
this is when you dump and RUN. you don't need to see any more, put up with anymore. you let this one GO and take the lessons with you and make better potential partner choices in the future............
this is when you dump and RUN. you don't need to see any more, put up with anymore. you let this one GO and take the lessons with you and make better potential partner choices in the future............
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
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Hi FlygirlJ.
If he's not ready to open up, I would be inclined to respect his wishes and not push the issue of talking about it. I think the best you can do in that scenario is let him know that you are willing to listen if he feels the need to talk to anybody, but aside from that his recovery is a road that he has to walk.
The abuse is a little concerning. In my own experiences, I suffered prolonged emotional abuse and kept telling myself "I can handle it, if it gets physical that's when I draw the line." Then it became physical and my self esteem was so degraded from the emotional abuse that I lacked the will to enforce my own boundary. If the verbal abuse looks like it might become a pattern, or if it escalates, I would encourage you to walk away. I'm not going to tell you what to do for right now, but definitely exercise caution for the future.
I think it's a good sign that he recognized that he needed help, and I think it's a good sign that he reached out to someone that he feels he can trust. You mentioned he was in the military and went through a lot with his friend... without making too many assumptions, if he's suffering from some sort of PTSD and using alcohol for coping, it would definitely be good for him to deal with the drinking so that he can get counseling for the PTSD with a clear head.
If he's not ready to open up, I would be inclined to respect his wishes and not push the issue of talking about it. I think the best you can do in that scenario is let him know that you are willing to listen if he feels the need to talk to anybody, but aside from that his recovery is a road that he has to walk.
The abuse is a little concerning. In my own experiences, I suffered prolonged emotional abuse and kept telling myself "I can handle it, if it gets physical that's when I draw the line." Then it became physical and my self esteem was so degraded from the emotional abuse that I lacked the will to enforce my own boundary. If the verbal abuse looks like it might become a pattern, or if it escalates, I would encourage you to walk away. I'm not going to tell you what to do for right now, but definitely exercise caution for the future.
I think it's a good sign that he recognized that he needed help, and I think it's a good sign that he reached out to someone that he feels he can trust. You mentioned he was in the military and went through a lot with his friend... without making too many assumptions, if he's suffering from some sort of PTSD and using alcohol for coping, it would definitely be good for him to deal with the drinking so that he can get counseling for the PTSD with a clear head.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
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I agree with letting go. You've been involved for 3 months, and he's beginning to maybe turn himself around. Maybe.
He is going to have a pretty rough road to walk in recovery, and that's not a good way to start a relationship. It really isn't. You deserve a healthy start to a relationship, and honestly he deserves a chance at recovery if he's taking it seriously. Starting that and trying to cultivate a relatively new relationship are going to be too much for his plate.
Alcoholism and recovery isn't exactly something you can share as a couple, nor should it be. I understand that feeling of being there for him and helping him through this - every person here does. It's not going to bring you closer together like a real, normal relationship bonding. If anything, it will serve to put a wedge between you. Especially since the relationship is relatively new.
He is going to have a pretty rough road to walk in recovery, and that's not a good way to start a relationship. It really isn't. You deserve a healthy start to a relationship, and honestly he deserves a chance at recovery if he's taking it seriously. Starting that and trying to cultivate a relatively new relationship are going to be too much for his plate.
Alcoholism and recovery isn't exactly something you can share as a couple, nor should it be. I understand that feeling of being there for him and helping him through this - every person here does. It's not going to bring you closer together like a real, normal relationship bonding. If anything, it will serve to put a wedge between you. Especially since the relationship is relatively new.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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What do you hope to gain by talking with him about AA meetings? Are you hoping to tell him how it works or tell him how you recovered? Because that will blow up in your face every time.
I would (and do) walk away. So. Many. Red. Flags.
I would (and do) walk away. So. Many. Red. Flags.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Not to rail on you, but keep in mind, AA is normally a very unsettling time for many folks. It's a lot to take in, and for some people, the first time they can recognize they have a problem at all. They need to digest and think about it, not necessarily go over the details with someone else.
I am also going to second what some others have said. You are not long term in your relationship. Maybe it's time to step back and let him work on him for a while and figure out if he can be well, or not.
I am glad you are here, this is a great place to vent out those fears and frustrations.
I am also going to second what some others have said. You are not long term in your relationship. Maybe it's time to step back and let him work on him for a while and figure out if he can be well, or not.
I am glad you are here, this is a great place to vent out those fears and frustrations.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
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You cant let yourself get caught up in this so soon. I did it too but even I wasnt dealing with these types of things you are dealing with so soon into the relationship.
PTSD and alcoholism are serious issues. You could be seriously hurt or even killed. Do not take that lightly., dont ever think "oh he would never..." because you never know when it comes to mental illness thats exacerbated by alcohol use. You need to let him know you completely support his decision to get help but you need to focus on your life.
PTSD and alcoholism are serious issues. You could be seriously hurt or even killed. Do not take that lightly., dont ever think "oh he would never..." because you never know when it comes to mental illness thats exacerbated by alcohol use. You need to let him know you completely support his decision to get help but you need to focus on your life.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by FlygirlJ 
I told my AB that I didn't support the friendship, but quickly got reamed out for not knowing the friend
Friends? Drinking? Abuse? How are his choice going to affect your recovery?
Three months is the perfect time to say "Hey, dude, I wish you well, but I think we're just not right for each other. Good luck with you're recovery. Say bye to your friend for me. "
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...... And regarding the possible PTSD...
Many soldiers do suffer from PTSD and then start abusing substances as a way to self medicate. However, many soldiers with preexisting substance abuse problems go on to obtain PTSD diagnoses. This was the case with my XAH.
Keep in mind: PTSD can not be properly diagnosed in someone with a preexisting substance abuse problem. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? How should it be treated? How should loved ones view it? Trust me, it's a quagmire that the military barely knows exists, and is sorely equipped to handle.
One thing is certain, though. The substance abuse issue must be dealt with first. Anything else is just wasted time.
Many soldiers do suffer from PTSD and then start abusing substances as a way to self medicate. However, many soldiers with preexisting substance abuse problems go on to obtain PTSD diagnoses. This was the case with my XAH.
Keep in mind: PTSD can not be properly diagnosed in someone with a preexisting substance abuse problem. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? How should it be treated? How should loved ones view it? Trust me, it's a quagmire that the military barely knows exists, and is sorely equipped to handle.
One thing is certain, though. The substance abuse issue must be dealt with first. Anything else is just wasted time.
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