blueberry2015

And now the true nature of this disease is starting to sink in. Last few days ive been having a battle in my head, the devil and angel thing I spoke about a few days ago?! The jeckle and hyde. It feels like my brain is split in two, half of it is wanting to drink, had enough of being an recovering alcoholic so wants to go back to being an alcoholic (insane eh?) the other half is full of logic and understanding about .... WHY im feeling like this. I do truely feel like im losing the plot. Been to AA spoken with my sponsor and Im assured this is normal and early days.

Just crazy. Can anyone recommend a chapter of the big book on how I feel?

Urge to drink is fading now thank god and tonight I feel confident I will go to bed sober, but bloody hell talk about the battle of the wills going on in my head.

Sharing is good. Thanks for reading x x x

Carver

Aww that's rubbish for you Blueberry. You're doing really well though. It is very hard, but so worth it.

For me during the first month, after a few really close calls, I started recognising the AV for what it was and just shut it down straight away, refuse to let it get more than a few words in (I pictured my mum shutting me down when I was little and starting to whine, and did the same)

That's what worked for me, and it's still working now.

Keep it going - remember why you quit

beautifulpines

Hi - that AV voice is a nasty thing. I just had a few words with the beast, ate taffy and feel much better now. We can do this!!

blueberry2015

Its just insane. All that pride and happiness of being sober that Ive felt over the last three months has like disappeared, I no longer feel that "I've got this" I truly AM powerless to alcohol its f-ing with my mind and I haven't had a drink for three months. That AV is bloody strong right now, I keep telling it to shut up but I feel like its taunting me, messing with my head. This isn't about self will or pride anymore its now starting to feel like a battle to stay well. But hey today Ive not had a drink so .... Ive beaten it for today.

sugarbear1

Have you worked those steps yet? That is when I lost my obsession to drink!

Anna

And, check out our Book List, with lots of helpful titles:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependence.html

blueberry2015

Need to properly go through them with my sponsor x x

tomsteve

a chapter to read? welp, there is a solution might be good.
or maybe reading some of personal stories.
or maybe start reading page 60 after C.

have you done any work on the steps?

sugarbear1

Not sure what properly means, but if your sponsor knows how to guide you through them quickly, for relief and possibly a spiritual awakening, then go to it!

Read the first 164 pages....specifically the doctor's opinion....go help a newcomer with less time than you.....

blueberry2015

Kind of 1-3 on my own steam (well at least My understanding of it anyway) - but really need to sit with my sponsor I think x Start from the beginning.

Bird615

I'm in the same boat at just over 4 months. It does feel like being pulled in 2 directions. My addiction/AV is kicking up a fuss and looking for reasons to give up.

Lots of strong feelings lately that I don't want to deal with and my first reaction is to think of drinking, but I know that's no longer an option I want to pursue.

Instead, I just keep talking to my support people, going to meetings and looking at what steps will help me with all this. Step 3 is a good one for me, when I remember to practice it, that is. I trust that this will pass eventually.

Just hang on and keep doing the work you need to do. This is temporary.

MIRecovery

Try page 151 and 152. Here is a small excerpt

He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

blueberry2015

Thanks guys x gonna do some bed time reading x x x much love x x x

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, Blueberry!

Soberwolf

Good stuff Blue reading helps me a lot I finished reading the Alchemist last night

If your AV pipes up gratitude lists & a journal are very effective tools

FreeOwl

One thing that can be of help in these times - get to just WORKIN Em! Whatever step you're on, Google _____ step workbook. There's a ton of stuff out there and lots of it free. Download a few and get workin!

As for the Big Book - I always found reading the personal accounts at the back was a good way to stave off my AV and find reminders of my own reasons why I choose sobriety.

Also- action. Get up, get out, get busy. Hit the gym, take a run, join a martial arts practice, go and volunteer at a community event or an organization. Get yourself DOING and it helps stop your AV prattling. Or at least moves it to a back corner in your now-occupied mind.

This challenge gets a lot easier over time - and getting active about it helps make that process faster while building new sober habits

Dropsie

Blueberry,

I read a great quote on another thread that really hit home -- not drinking today will make you feel so much better tomorrow.

Also, whenever I have those feelings you are having now, I say "oh, I guess I really do have a problem" and move on.

The change for me happened when i stopped for a long time just for the hell of it and when I went back realised that while I could abstain, I could not control and that was never going to change.

Also, one drink does NOT satisfy the craving, it just gets it going.

Breath in for 4 out for eight -- we got this. I am almost the same stop date as you and don't want to lose my buddy (selfish right)

D122y

Keeping busy is important. Exercise is a great way to spend time not drinking.

Joining Jiu jitsu really helped me not drink. Many people in my class know I quit drinking. We don't talk about it like this, but I have brought it up and I ask them about their drinking habits.

sg1970

Blueberry,

I can totally relate. At about 3 months I was having the same thoughts. One day, in an instant almost it changed. I think in my case I was holding onto perhaps being a normal drinker again someday. Finally I just accepted the fact that I was a freakin alcoholic period. Plain and simple. I didn't have the option of getting smashed one night a month or one holiday a year. I also didn't have the option of having just a couple to take the edge off (not that that type of drinking ever appealed to me anyway). It was either complete abstinence or 100% uncontrolled miserable drinking. When I accepted that fact and did my fourth and fifth step the obsession vanished. Was it the acceptance or the steps? I don't know but it worked and it stuck.

And that pink cloud. Well you can get that back. It might not be as high or as constant but you can get it back. That's what recovery is all about.

I found this later in the BB that applies (Ch 3 More About Alcoholism) : "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."

entropy1964

Hi Blueberry
For me this is the alcohol shuffle...back and forth. Its like a dance in my head. Not really a craving....this is the obsession playing with my head. And it can last a couple of days but it too passes. The shuffle is usually due to my level of acceptance not being quite where it should be. In other words, my little drinker gets an inkling that I'm not completely done with drinking and its off to the dance floor. Sometimes really thinking about what alcohol has truly done to me and those I love, writing about it, looking at it hard in the face. And then thinking through what it really doesn't accomplish....it doesn't relieve stress, relieve loneliness, boredom, doesn't make me happy. That can help give my acceptance of my condition an extra boost. And I have to ride these times out. In the first year this stuff comes and goes for me. And I do believe that if you are going the AA route, staying stuck on say step 4 can be negative. I think its good to commit to the steps and get em done. Move into action. Hang in there.