A miracle of sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
A miracle of sobriety
Hi my friends. I wanted to share something with you all, and this feels hugely significant in a way my words won't probably do justice.
I had some pretty traumatic things happen to me as a young kid. I don't remember most of it, the brain is pretty clever at protecting itself apparently and I learned to dissociate without even knowing what I was doing. Alcohol helped and it wasn't until I gave that up that the bad memories would re-emerge as nightmares and flashbacks. I saw a couple of therapists and was given some labels...PTSD and DID, a dissociative disorder. Over time, I learned how to deal with this. Clusters of nightmares would always pass in time, and it just sort of became who I am.
But, just recently, something different has happened...something I have never experienced before. I'm getting strong profound memories from childhood of happy times that were buried underneath the traumatic ones. Visions of holding my Grandad's hand while we stood in a sweet shop, sitting on a blanket underneath a pear tree in my Nan's garden shelling peas, how the classroom at school was laid out, the taste of a lemonade ice lolly, me and my brother sitting on top of a garden shed making camp...
These are real and long forgotten. And they are coming back to me in waves when I least expect it.
This has never happened to me before and I can only assume they are a sign that somewhere deep inside I am healing at last. I am elated, and emotional, and deeply humbled. I want to phone my brother and ask if he shares them, but he is still lost in active addiction.
I wondered today if I had started dying...is this what heaven looks like? But nope, I'm still here. This is a miracle, it really is.
Sobriety is amazing ❤️
I had some pretty traumatic things happen to me as a young kid. I don't remember most of it, the brain is pretty clever at protecting itself apparently and I learned to dissociate without even knowing what I was doing. Alcohol helped and it wasn't until I gave that up that the bad memories would re-emerge as nightmares and flashbacks. I saw a couple of therapists and was given some labels...PTSD and DID, a dissociative disorder. Over time, I learned how to deal with this. Clusters of nightmares would always pass in time, and it just sort of became who I am.
But, just recently, something different has happened...something I have never experienced before. I'm getting strong profound memories from childhood of happy times that were buried underneath the traumatic ones. Visions of holding my Grandad's hand while we stood in a sweet shop, sitting on a blanket underneath a pear tree in my Nan's garden shelling peas, how the classroom at school was laid out, the taste of a lemonade ice lolly, me and my brother sitting on top of a garden shed making camp...
These are real and long forgotten. And they are coming back to me in waves when I least expect it.
This has never happened to me before and I can only assume they are a sign that somewhere deep inside I am healing at last. I am elated, and emotional, and deeply humbled. I want to phone my brother and ask if he shares them, but he is still lost in active addiction.
I wondered today if I had started dying...is this what heaven looks like? But nope, I'm still here. This is a miracle, it really is.
Sobriety is amazing ❤️
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
Congratulations on 7 months Jen
I have no expertise or anything but it sounds like now that the daily intake of intoxicants have been removed you are getting a fuller, more nuanced picture of your childhood instead of just glimpses of the bad stuff
I hope your brother can find the strength to quit as well. Maybe if he sees how well you are doing he will give it a go
I have no expertise or anything but it sounds like now that the daily intake of intoxicants have been removed you are getting a fuller, more nuanced picture of your childhood instead of just glimpses of the bad stuff
I hope your brother can find the strength to quit as well. Maybe if he sees how well you are doing he will give it a go
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
I agree, Jen; it does sound like you are healing. What a wonderful experience for you.
Your experience reminds me of recovery from grief after someone has experienced a long and painful illness and death. Initially, the only memories you can bring to mind are sorrowful and painful. As time goes by, the good and happy memories come to mind and gradually take hold again.
So happy for you, Jeni.
Your experience reminds me of recovery from grief after someone has experienced a long and painful illness and death. Initially, the only memories you can bring to mind are sorrowful and painful. As time goes by, the good and happy memories come to mind and gradually take hold again.
So happy for you, Jeni.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
(((Jeni))), that is totally awesome! When the memories are dark and the pain seems unbearable, I don't think we can see past that to the good stuff. You have come a very long way, my dear friend :-)
I'm so gratified to see you're healing your soul along with your body.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
That's beautiful stuff Jeni.
I likened recovery to sorting out 'that' drawer (you know the one that is full of odds-n-sods; bits-n-pieces; and rubbish that we'll 'deal with another day'). Taking it all out was very anxiety making for me - there seemed to be loads of it. But a lot of it, when I looked carefully at it, I realised could now be discarded. It wasn't useful any more (mostly resentments and anxieties) and as those bigger bits of junk got chucked out, and things that needed dealing with got dealt with (amends) I started to find some treasures.
It sounds like you unearthed some treasures yesterday
Trees and forests seem like special places for you (maybe your Higher Power is a Tree-goddess)
I likened recovery to sorting out 'that' drawer (you know the one that is full of odds-n-sods; bits-n-pieces; and rubbish that we'll 'deal with another day'). Taking it all out was very anxiety making for me - there seemed to be loads of it. But a lot of it, when I looked carefully at it, I realised could now be discarded. It wasn't useful any more (mostly resentments and anxieties) and as those bigger bits of junk got chucked out, and things that needed dealing with got dealt with (amends) I started to find some treasures.
It sounds like you unearthed some treasures yesterday
Trees and forests seem like special places for you (maybe your Higher Power is a Tree-goddess)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by Beccybean 
That's beautiful stuff Jeni.
I likened recovery to sorting out 'that' drawer (you know the one that is full of odds-n-sods; bits-n-pieces; and rubbish that we'll 'deal with another day'). Taking it all out was very anxiety making for me - there seemed to be loads of it. But a lot of it, when I looked carefully at it, I realised could now be discarded. It wasn't useful any more (mostly resentments and anxieties) and as those bigger bits of junk got chucked out, and things that needed dealing with got dealt with (amends) I started to find some treasures.
It sounds like you unearthed some treasures yesterday
Trees and forests seem like special places for you (maybe your Higher Power is a Tree-goddess)
I likened recovery to sorting out 'that' drawer (you know the one that is full of odds-n-sods; bits-n-pieces; and rubbish that we'll 'deal with another day'). Taking it all out was very anxiety making for me - there seemed to be loads of it. But a lot of it, when I looked carefully at it, I realised could now be discarded. It wasn't useful any more (mostly resentments and anxieties) and as those bigger bits of junk got chucked out, and things that needed dealing with got dealt with (amends) I started to find some treasures.
It sounds like you unearthed some treasures yesterday
Trees and forests seem like special places for you (maybe your Higher Power is a Tree-goddess)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Really happy for you Jeni.
Well said. It's often hard to see the deeper internal, emotional healing that we do in sobriety. Exciting to hear that you're discovering benefits here. It's inspirational. Thanks for sharing.
Well said. It's often hard to see the deeper internal, emotional healing that we do in sobriety. Exciting to hear that you're discovering benefits here. It's inspirational. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Really happy for you Jeni.
Well said. It's often hard to see the deeper internal, emotional healing that we do in sobriety. Exciting to hear that you're discovering benefits here. It's inspirational. Thanks for sharing.
Well said. It's often hard to see the deeper internal, emotional healing that we do in sobriety. Exciting to hear that you're discovering benefits here. It's inspirational. Thanks for sharing.
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