Hendrix

I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself and fed up with the world in general lately and it's dawned on me that it might be because stuff just isn't going to plan.

Instead of just accepting that crap happens sometimes and changing the way I look at it I've been plagued with thoughts that I'd be able to cope with stuff better if I could get out of it occasionally!

I've clearly taken my eye off the ball and I blame my thinking that I'd cracked this alcoholism thing and not checking in on the forum for this nonsense! I thought I had the whole not drinking caper sussed and I was back in control of my life!

I need to get back to accepting that there will be good stuff and bad stuff, good days and bad and that I can't control everything!

Is it common among us to have a control freak tendencies?

Time2Rise

No, we aren't all control freaks. I learned a long time ago that attempting to control people and situations is a fool's game. Control issues had nothing to do with my drinking problem.

ScottFromWI

I can't speak for everyone but the lack of control over life is a definite source of frustration and anxiety for me. I've been getting a lot better at dealing with it since getting sober and I have learned that it's thankfully something that can be improved upon.

FreeOwl

A desire to control our lives and bend the world to our expectations is kind of just a basic human trait.

I think it does get significantly magnified with addiction.

Learning to accept that most of life is outside of our control, coming to terms with the notion that the only thing we ultimately really have control over is our own actions and attitudes - is a step of human 'enlightenment', I think.

It's hard, but when we embrace these simple truths, life gets a bit easier and certainly more peaceful.

Anna

I was a major control freak long before I started drinking and I had no understanding of how damaging it is. I think being a control freak is living a fear-based life. It was for me, anyways. I thought if I held on tightly enough things would be okay. And, I know that the knowledge that I was losing the battle of holding on to everything was a big reason why I began drinking.

When I reached my bottom, my life was shattered and I was in control of nothing. So, building from the ground up, I have consistently worked on letting go of things.

teatreeoil007

Recovering perfectionist here...and have been exploring that with my counselor. I think that many perfectionists are also control freaks to an extent whether they admit it or not.

They try to control by perfecting things and/or by trying to be perfect. I'm am not into controlling others, however; waste of my time/effort. I think there are perfectionists however that do try to control others or they subconsciously want others to be perfect just as they want their world to be perfect. We live in an imperfect world though...

One source of reading stated: Perfectionism is slow suicide.

I had never heard that term and not even sure I agree with it, but I am exploring that concept.

I guess for me...I am starting to see in myself that perfectionism is perhaps a MEANS of control...

However, we gotta have some control in our life...BUT I've needed to realize what is worth making an effort to control...and I should be putting my greatest EFFORT into controlling how I react, how I respond and how I employ "verbal judo"....[smile]

Blessed Be...

Hendrix

I wonder if the oblivion from drinking allowed me to not care about the lack of control I had over parts of my life and why now, when things don't go to plan, I still long for that oblivion......?

Maybe I'm waffling and not explaining myself - I just need to get back on track with working at my recovery .........and I just realised, I have to change that signature too sadly

teatreeoil007

"In order to gain more 'control' in our lives we need to surrender to our Higher Power, but it is going to end up being a different kind of 'control' than we had perhaps envisioned."

So what happens is that it can turn out the opposite of what our human nature tends to want.

Lolabella

My mum died when I was 14, my dad became and alcoholic and my brother a heroin addict. Since then I had to bring myself up and as a result had a need to try and control things around me. That is why I always ended up in relationships with addicts as I thought to an extent I could control them and they masked my own addictions because theirs were so much more out of control. I was the one with the good job, owned the house but I put myself in a black hole because by being with addicts they couldn't love me because they didn't love themselves and I didn't love me. Now I have a wonderful boy who is teaching me all about love and thats why I have stopped drinking because I know there can only be true, mutual love without substances.

Carver

Not me. I gave up control of my life when I started drinking regularly.

Taking it back now, one piece at a time

teatreeoil007

Most definitely...it's about oblivion....maybe in a sense we 'care' too much and let me explain what I mean by that...because in one sense I kind of think there is no such thing as "caring too much"....but sometimes we care so much that we let things get to us that don't feel right and when we don't have control over certain things in our life it's sometimes hard to just shrug our shoulders and go, "Oh well." Speaking for myself, when things 'get to me' too much I tend to start obsessing about them...and obsessing about them doesn't make the situation better. So, I've been trying to train myself to turn over my obsessions...and rather than obsess: problem solve and do my part as best I can.

Well, I sure don't want to be a flippant person the diminish things that are truly important and concerning...but at the same time I don't want to take on all the weight of trying to control things I have no control over.

Rather, I find myself needing to have more DISCIPLINE regarding the things that I DO have an element of control over...One example of putting more discipline in my life is to stay on task better and complete tasks that I begin. Another example is to not procrastinate so much. Another is to be better about paying bills on time...and the list goes on of how I can do MY part in this thing called Life.

[smile]

teatreeoil007

Maybe part of hitting rock bottom was being 'out of control' (in another sense)...I know that is how it felt to me when I realized I needed help.

entropy1964

I think I understand what you are saying. And yes, I would say that feeling out of control makes me very uncomfortable. And when I'm uncomfortable I tend to react badly. Anger, irritation, frustration, fear based stuff. And when my thinking really gest hosed up, I start to feel like everything is happening TO me. Bring in the victim. That's when things get bad. Just normal life stuff....car breaking down, dog pissing on the carpet, teenager being, well, a teenager and I can really implode. The trick for me is not just accepting that so much is out of my control, but also accepting that the world isn't doing anything TO me. Its just life. I don't think I actively try to control people and things. I just don't like it when, frankly, I don't get my way, or what I want, when I want it. So there's a maturity component to all this for me. When I just accept that there is only so much I can do and the world isn't going to end, work through things systematically, everything generally resolves. I wasn't given much guidance growing up and frankly, I'm still a bit of a baby

Hendrix

That's spot on Frickaflip!
That whole sense of being hard done by - every thing I touch turns to shite and that the Universe is conspiring against me......... that's just how I've been feeling of late ..........


......when in reality it's just life and I just need to grow up a bit!

Thanks for the insight

Fly N Buy

If only others would do what I want them to do things would be perfect!!! Why can't they simply listen and follow the fabulous plan I have laid out?

Many of my conversations started with = You know what you should do>>>

It is really mind blowing to let go of trying to control everyone and everything. I have found it paradoxically enough to be quite liberating. I am not in charge of everyone's movement nor their happiness or sadness.

I am only in charge of me........sometimes.

Soberwolf

I agree with Scott & Anna & Fly first paragraph had me in stitches

Hendrix you are beating yourself up you won't get anything from doing that trust me

What you want i gather by your posts is happiness of some sort you did bring up a good point about thinking you had all this figured out & staying away from the forum just so were on the same page I don't have it figured out in the sense that I know I have to work on it daily every week & so forth

My suggestions: Start posting a lot more & get more involved in SR your a wise dude that I've said that before

Think about after work activities, what do you enjoy Hendrix

teatreeoil007

Yeah...why can't people just do what we want, dang-it?!?

(I like you sense of humor)

teatreeoil007

For myself, learning to let go has been instrumental in not being a "control freak"...not that I've ever really been accused of being a control freak...but there are things that tend to bother me that I wish I had more control over...but it comes back to facing the facts that I just don't have control...and so for peace of mind I need to sort of let go...

I will add that I don't like being controlled by others, well, I am sure I'm not alone on that one...

Soberwolf

I love Fly's sense of humor its more how spot on his real life jokes are they remind of Richard Pryor I loved him for his realness & fly has that, the amount of times I've just fallen to pieces just reading his posts but at the same time its real

Fly is second to none at telling the truth about sobriety while seemingly make you fall to pieces that's a gift

Thank you Fly

PurpleKnight

There is definitely a common theme amongst threads about controlling alcohol, why can't I drink like normal people? why was I born this way? surely I should be able to moderate? things will be different this time? surely I've cracked this controlled drinking thing?

The flipside of all this is the lack of acceptance as to who we are and what our relationship with alcohol is, we can't force a square peg into a round hole, and there's no point in throwing the toys out of the pram, this is the reality of who we are whether we like it or not, we can neither control it, change it, negotiate with it or try to trick the system with different drinks, different days of the week etc etc

When it comes to alcohol, we can accept it and move on to happier times, rather than constantly going round the merry-go-round over and over hoping or wishing for a different outcome the next time we decide things will be different as we pick up that 1st drink.