Is there hope for my marriage?

Old 09-07-2004, 07:47 PM
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Is there hope for my marriage?

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This is my first time to ever post anything to any "chat" group ever. I am very new, but in desperate need of some help or advice. I have been married for three years to my complete soul mate. I never new real love like this exisited. We are both in our late twenties and way passed the "party" age, but our beautiful relationship changes every time the weekend rolls around. When I met my husband we would go out every weekend with our groups of party (so called)friends and of course we had a blast. After a while we tried to move our lives in different ways. We are ready to grow up, and have a REAL life,..... house, children and family. But we are stuck in a terrible routine. More so my husband than me. I could leave this and never look back I feel lucky that for some reason drugs and alchol have not taken a grip on me like him. I try to comrpomise with him when he is sitting around bored on friday or saturday and say " okay we will go out but no drugs and we are home at 2:00am" (what happen to those days?) He promises and promises that this time will be different, And I so stupiddly believe him. The next thing you know it's 12:00 and hes looking for something other than alchol. And gets MADDDDD if he can't find anything. I can't stop him at this point. I have to let him do it or we will have a terrible fight ( I have learned the hard way)( but not physical) Once this process starts he keeps wanting to go go go till the next day and into the night and even if there are no more drugs to be bought or no more money to spend, he will drink anything around that he can find (FYI he dosen't even drink one beer EVER durring the week not after work or with dinner or friends EVER) He will go till he is delieriuos(sp) and sick and by this time mad because he is comming down so hard. And of course I have to take care of him every time. It is so shameful for me to look at my strong, gentle, loving, and devoted husband like this. Am I living a dream that some day this will stop? When he is finaly sober he sits for hours, even days saying how he wants a differnet life for me and for us. This man is a good man a traditional gentleman who pulls is weight even more sometime around the house, who wakes me up still almost every morning with kisses and snuggles who gets lost in my eyes as I do his, our love is truly sent from above. I am not trying to sound silly or childish here I just need some major advice. How do you help some one who only has a problem like this a couple of times a month. I love him more than anything but cannot continue to live like this.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post!
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Old 09-07-2004, 08:26 PM
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My husband does not have the drugs, but sm

the alcohol and he is getting where he drinks daily. One thing I do know is I promised in sickness and in health to stay with him. My husband is sick. He says he wants to quit. He plans on quitting and when he really drinks too much he reads the Bible and has a new plan, but that night he drinks. I know he quit once before and it lasted for seven years. He is across the street right now. He was only going for an hour or so. He has been there for three hours now. Probably will not be able to eat supper. Just sad. I know how you feel. My husband is 45 and I am very worried about his health.
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Old 09-07-2004, 08:45 PM
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to bright light

I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. I truly do not see why they enjoy this feeling of being "messed up or drunk". I just wish I could show him that what I have to offer is so much better than that feeling. I too have had dinner waiting and he doesn't want to eat because of drinking. The truth is whether I can convince him to help himself or not I will stick by him till the end in hopes that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I want so badly sometime to be able to leave but then I ask myself " Am I strong to leave or strong to stay?"

Good luck tonight I am sending you a warm hug, I know you just feel sick to your stomach with worry right now, waiting and wondering when will he finaly come home to you, where he belongs.
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Old 09-07-2004, 08:57 PM
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Thank you and you too. sm

He just came home. Will see how it goes.
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Old 09-07-2004, 09:00 PM
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Your question?? Is there hope for my marriage???. Of course there is.
Read all the posts here.
Along with this site hope you have tried Al-Anon.
Have you tried not going out to party, could you say I am going to a Movie or to whatever, you go ahead to party if you want.
We learn it is best to say nothing about his drinking. We learn it doesn't work.
just wanted to say WELCOME TO SR and "HUGSs" and understanding. clancy46
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Old 09-07-2004, 09:24 PM
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AW....I wish I could put my arms around all three of you and give you a big hug.

You are in for a challenge, the best thing you can do is learn about what is going on and what happens from the many wonderful wise people here who have walked in your shoes....go to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Read the stickies at the top.
Wander around, read, find a forum where you feel comfortable and keep coming back.
You will find experience, strength and hope and some of the best friends ever.

No one will tell you what to do, altho' they will advise separation if you are abused.

You WILL recieve understanding and support.

Please keep coming back. Post all you want.

There's little that someone here hasn't struggled with and learned to grow strong in these situations.

The problem is an unwelcome one to hear...but these problems grow worse left on their own. But you can be an overcomer! Don't let the hurt grow amd grow until it poisons your sanity your love and your dreams!

And it is the most difficult thing to understand that their behaviors drinking and drugging are no reflection on you. It used it break my heart. Over and over and over.
I took it personal, it is not.
My dreams were the same as yours.
I wanted a loving home with my mate

Just don't blame yourself. You want the right things.

You all sound new to this, so from someone famous an wise an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Welcome...the resouces here are many.
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Old 09-07-2004, 09:27 PM
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There is Hope always.
Married 29 years in Oct myself. Yes there is always hope.

Best way to find the answers to questions you have yet to ask or know to ask...
Check out the Nar Anon board as well as read some more in this board.

When he is ready to stop is the only time he will stop.
You can't force him, argue with him, or even beat him into stopping.
The choice will need be his.
In the mean time read some more around here and maybe look for a Al Anon and or Nar Anon meeting in your area. Great info and support to be had at each.
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Old 09-07-2004, 10:06 PM
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Hurt and Confused, your story is so much like mine only fast forward your life 10 years. I am 36 and my wife will be 36 next month. We were married at 28, and from the time we met at 26 until I was 35 my wife and I partied like rock stars. We took breaks from partying, had a beautiful baby boy, own a house, own a company, but none of it mattered when my wife got out of control and tried to committ suicide. She nearly died. We were invinceble. I, like you stopped doing drugs, but she loved them and spiraled fast. We both got in to swinging, and in the end we cheated and nearly ruined our marriage and our lives. My wife ended up at an in-house treatment center for 5 weeks, and it changed our lives. She no longer uses any drugs or alcohol. We stopped swinging, and we are both committed to recover and our child. That's the good news. The bad news is that partying made us do things sexually with other people that we both are having a hard time getting over. We may get separated (this kills me). Like you explained about your husband, my wife is the love of my life and I charish her and my son more than anything. If you can go to an Alanon, AA, or Coda meeting (Co-dependents Anonymous), I think you may learn of ways to take care of yourself. You need to take care of yourself first. I also suggest that you try and get your husband to go to an AA or NA meeting. Do know, however, that you cannot force him. You have great strength to recognize where you are at, and I wish well in the future. Read my story and the story of others, and hopefully you won't feel so alone.
Warmest Wishes,
3rdbird
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Old 09-09-2004, 05:17 AM
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I read your message. I am not young like you, but my husband will not quit doing coke. I myself am a recovering addict. I have been clean and sober for over 6 years. Right now he is lying and hasn't even gone to work for a couple of days. I have been threatening to leave now and I know he's scared. He has spent time in jail in the past and will surely end up there again if I leave. My leaving is complicated as I have no money. I have a sister and cousin who will help me, but not if I stay with him. This morning he asked how long it would take for him to get into this local psychiatric hospital which also deals with drug addiction. In fact when I got clean I went there to detox and then did a day treatment program. This disease is so strong that I would say most people don't get it and I consider myself lucky that I did. My husband, I think is either manic or something but refuses to see someone. I am at my wits end with him, but I know this cannot go on much longer. He has already spent part of the rent and I have to hide everything. He cashed one of my checks the other day and that's not the first time. He in the past has taken things out of this house and given them to dealers for drugs. He used to have a heroin habit, but now its just that damn coke. Don't know what to do!!!
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Old 09-09-2004, 05:38 AM
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i hope you keepin comin back!!! i was also a weekend drinker{every weekend}thats all i lived for at the time....i never drank during the week either...i did that for many years..i quit and started going to aa meetings for real close to 2 yrs..then a few years ago i begn to just sneak a few kahlua and creams on the weeknights to relax...i justified doing this because i was drinking sissy drinks and i wouldnt get plastered this way...i never fell down in front of my kids..they never even knew about my sneaky drinking... but i knew!!!!!!!!!! then i got to where thats all i looked frwd to anymore...personally i think when he is ready he will quit..i dont believe there is anything you can promise him to make him quit!! he has to have the desire to do so!!! maybe the two of you could check into getting some counseling...in the meantime you could check out the alanon boards here...****************{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
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Old 09-10-2004, 08:50 PM
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You are all so great!!!

Thanks to all of you. Where or not you relaize it you are all my new found friends. I agree with you about him not wanting to quit untill he is ready. Well, tonight is Friday night and we are at home. He has no problem being here but... He has to work tomorrow. The only time these binges happen is when (he thinks) there is nothing else to do. His little hook up guy called earlier and he was so frustrated with him calling. He actually told me that after last weekend (and oooohhhhhhh- was last weekend so bad) that he was going to erase his number out of his phone and tell the guy not to call anymore. I know he truly wants to stop. But then again we have sat and had this conversation so many times before. I keep hoping and praying that one day he will have had enough. I am trying to be strong, one way or the other. Wish me luck and I wish all of you the best of luck and I will say a little prayer for all of you and your loved ones to have a safe and easy going weekend. The weekends seem to be the worst.
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Old 09-11-2004, 01:10 AM
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"The weekends seem to be the worst."
Aren't they ever...good luck to you...right now mine is thrashing around in bed cuz he went out tonight and is now sleeping like #$%^. I wish they would tell their "friends" to not call anymore..at least that would be a small sign that they want to change...yours sounds a little closer to doing that than mine does...Good luck and bless you
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Old 09-11-2004, 08:47 AM
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When you asked if there was any hope for your marriage, the answer is yes. Your husband sounds like he wants to stop very bad and mine does too. Mine at least stayed home last night. Not sure about tonight or this weekend. It was not like he could really relax either. He is gone so much and then when he does stay home he sees all these things he has been putting off and the kids just talk and talk to him. They want to play checkers with him or have him watch them do something. He did get to take a short nap before supper. He is going to get off work early for the rest of the week and then we are going on vacation. Hope your weekend goes well.
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Old 09-15-2004, 06:53 AM
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My heart goes out to you along with my prayers. YES! There is still hope! You need to set boundaries. A word I dont like very much - you see I was very much like your husband - just a different druu of choice (pot) My wife set "boundaries" They sucked - however they put the fear of God in me. You need to be honest with your husband. Let him be aware of your feelings before your anguish, anger and pain turn into resentments. Your feelings will only get more resolute and desperate - this will lead to despair , dissolusion and divorce. You do not want that from how you describe things. You will if he does not change this carachter defect. If you are religous call on the power of God. Remember he is the 3rd partner in your marraige. Get into marraige councilling if not already. Let your husband know how much you love him but you will not continue to live like this if he does not stop. He seems to want to so find some help.

I go to NA meetings. They have been a blessing. All 12 step programs are great. For him as there are other drugs besides alchahol I strongly recomend NA. Its a disease he suffers from. Addiction is just that a disease. Abstinence alone is not a cure. There is no known cure. It can be arrested though. Alchohal is a drug just like pot coke....... He will learn much about the destructive cource he is on by attending meetings. I suggest Alanon meetings for you. Pray often. Encourage him to pray. When you have this heartfelt talk do it in the church/temple you were married in. Remind him of the dreams you've always shared. Let him know how much you love him but be firm. Fear is a tremendous motivator. There is a marrage encounter program called Retouvaille see www.saveourmarraige.com fro details. This is a wonderfull program. It will teach you both how to communicate more clearly and loveingly. Get help now before things get worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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