DixieDoodle

Why are we attracted to alcoholics? Why do we stay and hope things will change? How do we break our own patterns of accepting this second best?

Just some open ended questions for discussion.

firebolt

My thoughts - the shortened condensed version.

Why are we attracted to alcoholics?
Hey - sober - some of them are pretty great and lovable. They are often over the top charming. I don't think many of us here hate the "Dr Jeckyll" side of our A's.

Why do we stay and hope things will change?
Well - most of us were wounded as children in one way or another. We belittle our feelings and values, and we put our worth on helping others.

How do we break our own patterns of accepting this second best?
By stopping the focus on others, and working harder ourselves than we did on everyone else.

Just some open ended questions for discussion.

Thank you - This is a great way to get everyones thoughts on the real 'meat' of recovery in one place.

SparkleKitty

I sought out an alcoholic as I was (not consciously, of course) trying to understand/fix/redeem my relationship with my alcoholic parent. Finally 'getting' that another person's addiction was neither my fault nor my responsibility was one of the strongest stones in the foundation of my re-built self-esteem. When I understood that -- in my heart, not just in my head -- I ended my relationship. I had finally learned to accept my addicted boyfriend for exactly who he was, and that I was the only one with a problem with his drinking. He was not willing to stop, and I was not willing to settle for a partner who was incapable of being present at best, and who was downright abusive at worst.

LifeRecovery

I was headed for a intimate relationship with someone that struggles with addiction. I was fortunate that it was just alcohol and anger.

Though in many ways I had a lovely upbringing there was a lot of untreated codependence in my family (and a lot of untreated addiction in my extended family).

I believe I choose my loved one to give ME a chance to heal.....and the only way I was going to be willing to do that was when it got so painful I had to look at it, and choose a different way.

Though I wish the lessons did not have to be so painful, I am INCREDIBLY grateful for the learning.

Once those came into place get support for me (in many forms) was my solution and process to the rest of it.

Millpond

I placed qualities upon the alcoholic I married which he did not actually possess. I was intoxicated by him, by my fantasy and my illusions. Then, like an alcoholic after a drunk, I sobered up.

I stayed longer than I should have because of his promises that things would change. What in fact happened is that he did not or could not change his relationship with alcohol, and he resented me for requiring it. Love turned into disillusionment, for both of us.

I played my part. I no longer blame him for his.

teatreeoil007

I don't recall ever being particularly attracted to an active alcoholic, but I have sister who was and married one and it became a nightmare for the whole family which ended in her being lucky to get out of the marriage ALIVE. So, in a sense the whole family is 'recovering' from that one traumatic relationship. That is part of what draws me to this forum.

There are alcoholics that ARE attractive...so I get that. Even though they are addicts, they can STILL have some qualities about them that draw us...in the EARLY stages of alcoholism they can be sober ENOUGH of the time to function pretty well in various areas of their life. But as the disease progresses things start to go downhill and in the case of my sister's ex he also used drugs such as pot, crack, meth. and he became scary abusive and started to have problems with his job. *sigh*. She left him one time, he got some 'help', they got back together and he right back into his previous behaviors.

One night he came home in a crazy type rage, pulled a knife, threatened to kill her and the kids and then himself. She managed to barely escape...and she finally left him for good...

Why was she attracted to this guy in the first place?! He made her feel like a woman who was still capable of being attractive as a woman...he wasn't a bad lookin' guy and he made good money...AND she was still carrying a lot pain and rejection from her first husband who was gay who left her for a man! Talk about feeling demoralized.

So, sorry for the long post, but hope it answers part of the question...

Blessed Be...

teatreeoil007

I should add: I HAVE been attracted to men who have different addictions than alcohol...for me it was a combination of things...

Often in the early stages of being getting to know someone they are on their best behavior! And, it's not until later that things about them start to be revealed...but even though we start to see these things that are concerning, WE are in a type of denial, just as an addict can be in denial about being addicted! (I guess that's why it's called co-dependency, huh?)

CarryThatWeight

I think for me, because I married a sober alcoholic, I was in such admiration of him that he had managed to "beat" his addiction. I thought he must be such a wonderful, strong, in-touch-with-his-emotions man (you know, all AA's talk of being honest with yourself)! I adored him - or the idea of him. He is very handsome and the chemistry was good (before he withdrew all affection), so that didn't hurt. When I began to experience behavior of his that was not in line with my vision of him, I made excuses for him, told myself that I must be wrong, I must have interpreted things incorrectly, that he did have valid points in his criticism of me, and that you know, maybe I was the one with the problem. Because he was sober and in AA and has beaten his addiction, so he obviously knew better than me. I have such low self esteem, that when he criticized me, I would agree with him. Why do we accept unacceptable behavior? Because we think we're not worth better. That we can't get better, or we don't deserve better. Fear of being alone. Being in a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. We get our validation from our relationship status. If we're not in a relationship, it's because no one wants us. At least for me, that's why I stayed so long. I'm pretty embarrassed to admit that the only reason I'm on my own now and away from him is because he adamantly wants a divorce. In my state, you only need one person to sign for the divorce to be granted, so even if I fought him it wouldn't matter. He made the decision for me. Sometimes God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

That's my experience and opinion.

Liveitwell

This is a great thread....so much to think about!

teatreeoil007

Thx for sharing your experience and opinion!

So true for many people....I see some of these young girls (and older girls and women too) who are just practically dying to "be in a relationship" with somebody and I want to say, "Honey, you don't need anyone to 'complete' you"...I am not saying that it's not possible for two people to find and sense of completion and 'rightness' in one another...BUT, I am leaning toward the notion that this idea of another person completing you (as in: 'you complete me') is a fallacy our society and movies and novels and what not have perpetuated.

In a way, I am very thankful I had an academic advisor in college to basically set me straight in this regard. I had a MAJOR relationship trauma that messed me up academically for a time period and really interfered with my course/studying and I somehow got through it and was able to pick up again and go on to succeed... but he sat down with me, gave me some options, and ended the counseling session by declaring: "Don't ever let ANYONE f*c* you up like this again!!!!" And he was right. Don't ever let ANYONE mess you up in your head, your heart, your soul, anything. It can rob you, it can strip you, it can sort of ruin you.

So, I've been there...that one relationship was indeed traumatic and BIZARRE and maybe I'll tell it here sometime just to get it out. I'll never forget it and I'll never forget what I learned from it...lessons that have lasted a lifetime...

And, guess what?! I like you have shared: I think I was in love more so with a certain 'VISION' and 'DREAM' of the perfect mate...the man of my dreams...the once in a lifetime ONE...AND...when things about him started to be revealed...my complete and utter DENIAL and excuses because I just couldn't face the truth...*sigh*...I still get a little worked up at the incredible-ness of it all...luckily it WAS a once in a lifetime experience packed full of hard lessons and learning and being given a new opportunity to take steps to never let someone work me over like that again...

thanks for reading....

Blessed Be...

teatreeoil007

Yeah-so WHY are we attracted?

Well, because they can be charming, good looking, talented, etc...because there can be incredible chemistry and sexual tension...because they can make us feel beautiful and wanted and loved...because it can be EXCITING...maybe we have lots in common...maybe on that first date we just hit it off...maybe they seduced us...maybe this and maybe that...all sorts of reasons we can fall for an addict...

But we've needed to learn that falling for an addict can happen to anyone and we are not bad or stupid for doing that...it's something that happened...and in the end we can glean valuable lessons... and actually grow tremendously in ways we didn't think possible...we can actually end up stronger and with more depth...that is if we somehow are able to recover from it in healthy ways ....and eventually come to a place of healing...We can learn what we are really made of that we didn't think we had in us...we can go places we never thought possible...

Blessed Be...

velma929

I"m not sure that I was especially attracted to alcoholics.

I think I figured I couldn't do any better.
I was tired of being alone. No one else would ever want to marry me.
*All my friends* were in relationships (not really).

Once I was in:

I figured it must be better than being alone.
I wouldn't find anyone better.
I was embarrassed I had married someone with a drinking problem, and I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake. (Yeah, I was convinced no one else knew I was in a crappy marriage. I had them all fooled!)
I didn't know how I'd get by financially on just my income.

My insecurities and intermittent promiscuity (great way to get a guy to stay with you - NOT) existed long before I met Late husband, so I can't blame him at all for my own particular brand of nutso-ness.

healthyagain

I am not attracted to alcoholics. I actually hate alcoholics so much that I simply could not accept that he was one! (it is not like they have a flashing sign above their head so you are warned to date at your own risk). Now this blindness of mine, this insisting on the relationship to work, trying so hard, denial, marry in haste, repent at leisure, these are all the issues worth exploring. Why was I putting up with all that? Definitely did not want to admit it was I who made the mistake + lots of insecurities + emotional immaturity. And thinking that a relationship could fill the emptiness, definitely a recipe for a disaster.

minime13

Sometimes it's just because we don't understand alcoholism until the damage has been done.

We treat these relationships like ordinary relationships but they are anything but that.

We fall for a projection, often, of what this person wants to be because they spend so much time creating this image of who they probably should be instead of working on who they are.

We are sometimes in denial about how bad the problem is because nobody wants to recognize they are in a relationship with an alcoholic.

When the truth comes out, they make emotional appeals and we believe them.

When they don't actually do the work, we sympathize because they have this addiction.

And then, during the relationship, we allow ourselves to sink to their level and start to feel just as hopeless and trapped.

For me, personally, I fell for someone who I thought I had a unique connection to. Parts of it may have been genuine, but most of it was likely the act he put on for appearances. When the problem was discovered, he made promises that he could change, and I believed him. I felt that maybe I could hold out until he started getting help. In the end, though, I couldn't.

Spinner-007

In my case, we were married before the addiction.

I stayed because I hoped for the person I once loved would one day 'see the light', and come back, thereby rewarding me for being the good guy I'm supposed to be, who stayed strong for his wife, the mother of their 4 kids.

Nine years later, nothing really changed, except for the worse.

I eventually became tired of being tired of it, and filed for separation(or limited divorce in Maryland).

My whole story in one brief post...wow. Just noticed that.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics use booze to escape their pain and inner turmoil while codependents use alcoholics for the same reason. Becoming obsessed with a dysfunctional person and his/her problems takes the focus off dealing with our own issues. There is frequently addiction in the family while growing up, certainly dysfunction of one sort or another.

In terms of changing, I think Alanon is the best bet, especially when you work the steps and get a sponsor. Therapy also helps but doesn't directly address codependent issues. Unless we change we keep picking the same person over and over. Because we change, we pick healthier people who are capable of relationships. One important thing I learned in Alanon is that I am responsible for allowing people to enter my life. I wasn't a victim, I picked him.

THippy

My best answers at this point in my journey....
I wasn't attracted to alcoholics. I was terrified of them! My AH and I developed our relationship mostly after work. We worked together. So I saw him sober all day long. And then eventually after work. Alcohol wasn't part of the picture. Then, when we started to see each other on weekends I began to see clues that he drank too much. When we were deciding to make a commitment to each other, I saw red flags but I talked to him openly about my childhood and my concerns and he assured me that he was not a problem drinker. I believed him. I think he probably believed himself.
Once we were together and I realized that my suspicions were right, I stayed and hoped things would change because there is so much at stake. Several children from previous marriages who we raised together. And then more children together. People congratulate us all the time on the way we navigated all of that. We are a strong and close family. But it's gotten to a point now that I cringe when people put us on that pedestal because, even though a lot of things went right, I feel like I've paid a higher price than anyone really knows.
Second best. Ha! That's exactly how I feel. I've even been saying it to AH for the last few years. I tell him that I am tired of being second place in his life, after his booze. When he is drinking, I pretty much avoid him. And right now it takes me days to get over the resentment. There's not a lot of intimacy in our marriage anymore and it's because, when given the choice between spending downtime being close with me or drinking, he chooses drinking every time. I'm crying just typing that. This is why I drove to an Alanon meeting (even if I didn't go in) and why I registered here. What a mess.

Ap052183

I find men...and women...with lots of problems tend to be very charismatic and manipulative to compensate for it. My ex was the perfect package. ..he's a doctor, comes from money, attractive, has lots of friends, and told me how wonderful I was constantly. Being with him I felt like a prize. He told me everything I wanted to hear. ..then he got drunk. He dangled compliments and praise in front of me so I wouldn't care about the bs he pulled.
Anyway I think the excitement and intoxication does it. They're our drug.

WMJ1012

For me it's not really about "alcoholics" it's about certain types of people. Today I want quality people in my life so I'm doing what I need to to take care of myself. I use the AA 12 steps and last night actually asked a very experienced alcoholic (a man) to help me with done housecleaning (10th steps). We say and talked for a while after the meeting and he knew I needed the help and like me came to understand at some point he qualifies for Alanon too (doesn't everybody?)

It's really abut bejng human. My experience is exactly like sparkle kitty's. I would invite people into my life who were sociopaths though so I have a lot of trauma. Hopefully that will get cleaned up through this writing, as my problems have piled up on me again. I have faith they will!

teatreeoil007

Good point...I hadn't thought of that in a while...but it's so true...

Same goes for people who share too much information about themselves when you first meet...mmmmhmmmm ...they are compensating for something...most likely.

I think it's also so true that the more charming and good looking and sex appeal, talent, money, etc. they have we tend to excuse them more...