So... you're my people...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Brunswick
Posts: 5
So... you're my people...
I've resisted for as long as I can, but here I am. I'm hoping to get chatting to some nice folks online because my support system is limited, to say the least...
The mental obsession has become unbearable. It literally does my head in thinking about it all the time. Beating myself up, even if I don't get 'as drunk as I used to' (i.e. blackouts) and I don't make such terrible, degrading decisions (i.e. calling ex boyfriends, 'throwing my toys' at people, basically being totally unstable).
I have been depressed about quitting and throwing it around in my head for so long - but I feel an odd sense of relief right now. Not sure how long it'll last but it's keeping me sober today so not going to complain. It's day two.
I know it's not going to be easy. I am a binge drinker, never an 'every day' or mornings etc but I get withdrawals. That was shocking the first time I realised that's what it was... Moods all over the place, night sweats, anxiety through the roof, and worsened depression, which I suspect that and the anxiety is what I've been trying to self-medicate all along. I think I'm just so MAD at myself for letting it get back here, when I stopped for 3 months earlier this year and easily recognised how much happier I was. But, to be fair, I was overseas and travelling and having the time of my life. My day to day isn't like that, which is obviously something I need to work on. As soon as my plane landed, I got stuck into the wine thinking "god, that life again...".
I've been to lots of therapy - DBT, CBT... but I can't seem to fix the two things that trigger me: Stress and boredom / loneliness. My job is high pressure, so that's the stress. I feel like if I exercised two hours a day and just flogged it out of myself that would really help. But I barely have the motivation to go for a walk and am tired all the time from binging.
The boredom comes from having very little social support. I've pushed most people away. Or I've behaved terribly and lost friends / not made new ones. And now I've had to cut off my drinking buddies... I really hung on thinking 'but you're all that I've got' and now I just know... they possibly do not care about my wellbeing, or at the least, are not influences I need right now. So I'm pretty much alone.
I feel like I have so much to sort out and I'm starting a new job this week. I'm happy that I've stopped and I do recognise that I need to say bye to alcohol forever. I suppose it's sad and scary - my crutch is gone.
The mental obsession has become unbearable. It literally does my head in thinking about it all the time. Beating myself up, even if I don't get 'as drunk as I used to' (i.e. blackouts) and I don't make such terrible, degrading decisions (i.e. calling ex boyfriends, 'throwing my toys' at people, basically being totally unstable).
I have been depressed about quitting and throwing it around in my head for so long - but I feel an odd sense of relief right now. Not sure how long it'll last but it's keeping me sober today so not going to complain. It's day two.
I know it's not going to be easy. I am a binge drinker, never an 'every day' or mornings etc but I get withdrawals. That was shocking the first time I realised that's what it was... Moods all over the place, night sweats, anxiety through the roof, and worsened depression, which I suspect that and the anxiety is what I've been trying to self-medicate all along. I think I'm just so MAD at myself for letting it get back here, when I stopped for 3 months earlier this year and easily recognised how much happier I was. But, to be fair, I was overseas and travelling and having the time of my life. My day to day isn't like that, which is obviously something I need to work on. As soon as my plane landed, I got stuck into the wine thinking "god, that life again...".
I've been to lots of therapy - DBT, CBT... but I can't seem to fix the two things that trigger me: Stress and boredom / loneliness. My job is high pressure, so that's the stress. I feel like if I exercised two hours a day and just flogged it out of myself that would really help. But I barely have the motivation to go for a walk and am tired all the time from binging.
The boredom comes from having very little social support. I've pushed most people away. Or I've behaved terribly and lost friends / not made new ones. And now I've had to cut off my drinking buddies... I really hung on thinking 'but you're all that I've got' and now I just know... they possibly do not care about my wellbeing, or at the least, are not influences I need right now. So I'm pretty much alone.
I feel like I have so much to sort out and I'm starting a new job this week. I'm happy that I've stopped and I do recognise that I need to say bye to alcohol forever. I suppose it's sad and scary - my crutch is gone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, rubytwoshoes! It's good to have you with us. Even if therapy didn't seem to "take" remember it can take a while to work its way through your brain. Don't give up!
Soon you'll see that booze isn't so much a crutch as a set of training wheels that keeps you from ever riding free. Boredom is a reason but it's also an excuse. You can learn some ways to add stuff to your life, things that enhance you and not just fill the time.
You have taken a big step just realizing it's time to stop! Good on you for that.
Soon you'll see that booze isn't so much a crutch as a set of training wheels that keeps you from ever riding free. Boredom is a reason but it's also an excuse. You can learn some ways to add stuff to your life, things that enhance you and not just fill the time.
You have taken a big step just realizing it's time to stop! Good on you for that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Perhaps many people drink and use drugs to 'have a good time' and/or 'get high' because they want to feel better...or...they want to "let off some steam" (from any of life's happenings that could lead one to have that need), or they are stressed out...or they want to 'check out' or simply because they are yearning to experience a 'THRILL' that their regular life is somehow not providing.
Like the post above indicates: Boredom could be an excuse and I guess I've never thought of it that way, but I need to look into that.
Loneliness: I think tha would be hard for anyone who is a people person especially...but maybe for just anyone...
Maybe it's safe to say lots of people seek to drown their sorrows when they drink...so, sadness, hurt, pain...
Getting sober is one thing. STAYING sober is like learning to look at life in a whole new light and live life a whole new way... much better, more sane and definitely with more PEACE.
But, the greatest reason to get sober and stay that way is simply: LOVE. It will very likely be a different KIND of love than the love you are used to as a drinker, but I think you will find it is a much higher love.
You've made a choice you won't regret!
Welcome!
Like the post above indicates: Boredom could be an excuse and I guess I've never thought of it that way, but I need to look into that.
Loneliness: I think tha would be hard for anyone who is a people person especially...but maybe for just anyone...
Maybe it's safe to say lots of people seek to drown their sorrows when they drink...so, sadness, hurt, pain...
Getting sober is one thing. STAYING sober is like learning to look at life in a whole new light and live life a whole new way... much better, more sane and definitely with more PEACE.
But, the greatest reason to get sober and stay that way is simply: LOVE. It will very likely be a different KIND of love than the love you are used to as a drinker, but I think you will find it is a much higher love.
You've made a choice you won't regret!
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome to Sober Recovery RTS.
There's lots of great support and information on here.
The first few weeks will be tiring, but try to post on here often and get through it a day at a time (or an hour at a time if needs be).
If boredom is an issue, maybe you could start looking into ideas of new places you can go to meet people so that you don't become a self-inflicted recluse because you aren't drinking. Lots of people on here volunteer; many (myself included) have become involved in AA; many join clubs and take up new hobbies; and some have taken up some form of study. Not immediately, but it might be nice to collect a Pinterest board of ideas (you can set it to 'private').
I did my first month alone and honestly felt like I was going mad. Loneliness and boredom do not make for healthy sobriety. Sure, I didn't drink any alcohol, but I didn't feel like I was 'living'either, and my head was in a complete spin (washing -machine head as I called it). Then, out of desperation, I gave AA a try. It was a relief to listen to other people talk about their experiences, and be able to be open about how difficult I was finding it all. (All my old friends were heavy drinkers so me talking to them would have been like giving them the green light to up their sobriety sabotage efforts to the next level - and they were bad enough already!)
Anyway - through AA I've learnt loads of stuff. About my emotions; about how I used to 'deal' with things and how to change; about why I behaved some of the ways I did, and why those ways were so damaging to me. The meetings gave me a reason to make myself look respectable and get out of the door. They meant that I met people who restored my hope, and my trust in others (not ALL others, but that people can be trustworthy, including me). And, as time went on, I made some good friends there as well. The kind of friends I can hang out with, or text chat, and have a giggle at random stuff. As you can probably tell, I'm very grateful to have found AA, and I don't like to even contemplate where I'd be now without it. It's not the only way though - and others on here have done different things and will no doubt be able to share their experiences with you as well.
Good luck in finding YOUR way to a happy and healthy recovery.
There's lots of great support and information on here.
The first few weeks will be tiring, but try to post on here often and get through it a day at a time (or an hour at a time if needs be).
If boredom is an issue, maybe you could start looking into ideas of new places you can go to meet people so that you don't become a self-inflicted recluse because you aren't drinking. Lots of people on here volunteer; many (myself included) have become involved in AA; many join clubs and take up new hobbies; and some have taken up some form of study. Not immediately, but it might be nice to collect a Pinterest board of ideas (you can set it to 'private').
I did my first month alone and honestly felt like I was going mad. Loneliness and boredom do not make for healthy sobriety. Sure, I didn't drink any alcohol, but I didn't feel like I was 'living'either, and my head was in a complete spin (washing -machine head as I called it). Then, out of desperation, I gave AA a try. It was a relief to listen to other people talk about their experiences, and be able to be open about how difficult I was finding it all. (All my old friends were heavy drinkers so me talking to them would have been like giving them the green light to up their sobriety sabotage efforts to the next level - and they were bad enough already!)
Anyway - through AA I've learnt loads of stuff. About my emotions; about how I used to 'deal' with things and how to change; about why I behaved some of the ways I did, and why those ways were so damaging to me. The meetings gave me a reason to make myself look respectable and get out of the door. They meant that I met people who restored my hope, and my trust in others (not ALL others, but that people can be trustworthy, including me). And, as time went on, I made some good friends there as well. The kind of friends I can hang out with, or text chat, and have a giggle at random stuff. As you can probably tell, I'm very grateful to have found AA, and I don't like to even contemplate where I'd be now without it. It's not the only way though - and others on here have done different things and will no doubt be able to share their experiences with you as well.
Good luck in finding YOUR way to a happy and healthy recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 302
Hi Ruby twoshoes, nice to meet you. There is a lot of people here who sound like us and relate with us. The more you read the more you run into those posts that seem like you wrote them yourself! We definitely are your people here. Please keep posting here with us.
Oh, and as soon as you feel ready for it, I second the thought of getting out there and getting some exercise. It is really helpful for my mood so I think it may help you as well. Congratulations on Day 2.
Oh, and as soon as you feel ready for it, I second the thought of getting out there and getting some exercise. It is really helpful for my mood so I think it may help you as well. Congratulations on Day 2.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Brunswick
Posts: 5
Thanks so much 
I have an organisation I've wanted to volunteer with, and had been procrastinating. But actually I just had a bit of a 'penny drop'...
I've avoided going to the police station because I'd had two instances where I'd been picked up by the police and fined for being drunk in public. I was on Zoloft at the time and a bottle of wine, consumed quickly, would regularly lead to a blackout.
I have never had a parking ticket, a speeding fine, or really even been into a police station... on the second occasion, I had passed out in a cab on my way home. The driver couldn't wake me, so took me to the station. I sat on the floor and cried while a number of police stood over and yelled at me. I was intimidated (in my state) but I can understand that I was just a nuisance and they had bigger fish to fry.
I was so humiliated...
Wow. All these memories. THIS is washing-machine head.
Should I go back to that station or a totally different one to get my checks? Not sure if it will be detrimental or helpful?
I have an organisation I've wanted to volunteer with, and had been procrastinating. But actually I just had a bit of a 'penny drop'...
I've avoided going to the police station because I'd had two instances where I'd been picked up by the police and fined for being drunk in public. I was on Zoloft at the time and a bottle of wine, consumed quickly, would regularly lead to a blackout.
I have never had a parking ticket, a speeding fine, or really even been into a police station... on the second occasion, I had passed out in a cab on my way home. The driver couldn't wake me, so took me to the station. I sat on the floor and cried while a number of police stood over and yelled at me. I was intimidated (in my state) but I can understand that I was just a nuisance and they had bigger fish to fry.
I was so humiliated...
Wow. All these memories. THIS is washing-machine head.
Should I go back to that station or a totally different one to get my checks? Not sure if it will be detrimental or helpful?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by rubytwoshoes 
...
Should I go back to that station or a totally different one to get my checks? Not sure if it will be detrimental or helpful?
Should I go back to that station or a totally different one to get my checks? Not sure if it will be detrimental or helpful?
Anyway, even if you do go back to that police station for it, I don't suppose they'll remember you unless you were there a lot of the time, or they knew you before you went there. They see lots of people passing through. And even if they do remember you, they'll probably just be please that you're making a good attempt on turning things around and they're less likely to have to try to wake you up like that again.
Go for it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
Welcome and congrats on 2 days!
Quitting isn't as scary as you think it is. For me, when I decided that I wasn't gonna be frightened of living without alcohol, it became (relatively) easy.
Your idea of hitting the gym is a good one; it certainly helped me through the first month
Keep up the good work!
Quitting isn't as scary as you think it is. For me, when I decided that I wasn't gonna be frightened of living without alcohol, it became (relatively) easy.
Your idea of hitting the gym is a good one; it certainly helped me through the first month
Keep up the good work!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,556
Ruby, we are so glad to meet you. Not being alone anymore meant everything to me. No one in my life understood what I was going through. We're here to help, and we know you can do this.
Not being alone anymore meant everything to me. No one in my life understood what I was going through. We're here to help, and we know you can do this.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
