Co-dependency and self-esteem
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Co-dependency and self-esteem
I have come to the realization that my co-dependency is most of all tied to my self-esteem. This is probably not very original, but I have just come to think a lot about this lately and realized that I can stop accommodating and freaking out over having done something wrong and therefore losing my partner when I feel strong and good about myself. Because then I can believe that I am a pretty great person and deserve someone who can love me for all my flaws and through clumsy moments.
I came here during my relationship with the AXBF and this place opened my eyes to how co-dependent I am and how much I sacrifice of myself to please and accommodate my partner. I have been in several relationships since AXBF (and was a raging co-dependent in the relationship with a non-alcoholic before him, too). So my first realization is that I am a relationship addict. I need an intimate partner to latch on to or I feel depressed and horribly lonely (I have moved a lot and I am really far away from my family and close friends, which is not helping). I have moved beyond thinking I can fix a broken person and would not get involved with an addict again, but it appears that is not the end of the journey yet (sadly).
Today I had an argument with my current boyfriend. It was a misunderstanding (I felt attacked, he meant it in good fun and was mad and upset that I got defensive) via text. It ended up being somewhat resolved, but I am worried about how panicked I became when he said he was going to go about his evening and leave me to mine. It was nothing overly serious and normal people would just take the evening off from each other, calm down, and reconvene. I panicked. I thought it was the end of it all because I did not "deliver." My first inclination was to appease and make amends right on the spot, anything to make him like me again (rationally I know he never stopped liking me). I resisted the urge somewhat and just objectively explained where I misunderstood and apologized for overreacting. He was mad, but did talk to me because he knew it was important to me. Ultimately, two tempers flared up, we resolved as best as we could with emotions still bruised, now we are cooling down, tomorrow we will reconvene. Sounds normal enough, right?
It it weren't for my panic. Right now I have to rationalize this to the nth degree to fight these thoughts that are creeping up. I am not worthy. I did something bad. He will not like me anymore. I wronged him. How do I make this right? Must accommodate at all times.
The good news is that it got me thinking about this relationship and the fact that despite all progress since AXBF, I still have a way to go. Rationally, I know I am allowed to be flawed and make mistakes . I know I am allowed to expect that my needs are met as well (and lately they have not been. I did make it known, but not enough). I know all this, but the panic and fear is still there. I will find a therapist (I moved very recently) and work on this.
I also realize that I can be defiant and strong when I feel good about myself. When I get a long of work done or did a grueling workout or spent time with healthy people. I mean defiant against my co-dependency in a way that would allow me to know AND feel "he is mad at me, but he will get over it, as will I. This is no threat to a relationship and if it is, then it was never good. And besides, I have been feeling a bit deprived in this relationship lately. Maybe this is a good opportunity to take a step back and regroup because I am too good to be taken for granted."
The problem is that as of now, getting to that point is hard work and requires energy. I do hope that with some work it gets easier?
I came here during my relationship with the AXBF and this place opened my eyes to how co-dependent I am and how much I sacrifice of myself to please and accommodate my partner. I have been in several relationships since AXBF (and was a raging co-dependent in the relationship with a non-alcoholic before him, too). So my first realization is that I am a relationship addict. I need an intimate partner to latch on to or I feel depressed and horribly lonely (I have moved a lot and I am really far away from my family and close friends, which is not helping). I have moved beyond thinking I can fix a broken person and would not get involved with an addict again, but it appears that is not the end of the journey yet (sadly).
Today I had an argument with my current boyfriend. It was a misunderstanding (I felt attacked, he meant it in good fun and was mad and upset that I got defensive) via text. It ended up being somewhat resolved, but I am worried about how panicked I became when he said he was going to go about his evening and leave me to mine. It was nothing overly serious and normal people would just take the evening off from each other, calm down, and reconvene. I panicked. I thought it was the end of it all because I did not "deliver." My first inclination was to appease and make amends right on the spot, anything to make him like me again (rationally I know he never stopped liking me). I resisted the urge somewhat and just objectively explained where I misunderstood and apologized for overreacting. He was mad, but did talk to me because he knew it was important to me. Ultimately, two tempers flared up, we resolved as best as we could with emotions still bruised, now we are cooling down, tomorrow we will reconvene. Sounds normal enough, right?
It it weren't for my panic. Right now I have to rationalize this to the nth degree to fight these thoughts that are creeping up. I am not worthy. I did something bad. He will not like me anymore. I wronged him. How do I make this right? Must accommodate at all times.
The good news is that it got me thinking about this relationship and the fact that despite all progress since AXBF, I still have a way to go. Rationally, I know I am allowed to be flawed and make mistakes . I know I am allowed to expect that my needs are met as well (and lately they have not been. I did make it known, but not enough). I know all this, but the panic and fear is still there. I will find a therapist (I moved very recently) and work on this.
I also realize that I can be defiant and strong when I feel good about myself. When I get a long of work done or did a grueling workout or spent time with healthy people. I mean defiant against my co-dependency in a way that would allow me to know AND feel "he is mad at me, but he will get over it, as will I. This is no threat to a relationship and if it is, then it was never good. And besides, I have been feeling a bit deprived in this relationship lately. Maybe this is a good opportunity to take a step back and regroup because I am too good to be taken for granted."
The problem is that as of now, getting to that point is hard work and requires energy. I do hope that with some work it gets easier?
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