Not alcohol - but the pain is the same
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Not alcohol - but the pain is the same
I was pretty active here several years ago, during my divorce and recovery from my AH. Moved on and built a new life and got married... and guess what..... Maybe not as recovered as I thought I was.
Please welcome me again and give me strength to heal. It is not alcoholism; but it seems to be an addiction none the less. And ever so slowly I allowed this man to become financially dependent on me; as I also allowed myself to become socially dependent on him. The pain, the struggle, seems like it will be much the same.
His addiction is attention - and DOC is female attention. We have cycled through this at least 5 times in the 6 years we have been together. First time before we got married - and I broke up with him -- and took him back.. While he denies he is doing anything wrong - and it is just how he is; I know that his lack of regard for how it makes me feel and his refusal to stop means that there is something wrong. Reminds me so much of the alcoholic dance I went through before.
It seems to come during a time of stress --- and I feel my normally attentive and devoted husband becoming distant and rude to me. I tell him how I feel - he dismisses it as me being sensitive; and assures me there is nothing wrong. After awhile my gut knows - so I check his phone. Sure enough - texts and facebook communication with his current target (victim?)
Looking at it on the surface it appears innocent chatter.... except in the context that he is a married man; and he is not showing the same intimacy to his wife. And as if he is grooming this person - it eventually crosses the line into sexual flirtation. A picture he sent to his current flame referenced his sports car - and how it makes girls' panties hit the floor.
He says that is how he is, and he's not going to change. My challenge is accepting this reality and doing what I need to do. We have talked divorce and sorted out our assets (so thankful for the prenup).
And, he really has no income. He is self employed and will not be generated income for the foreseeable future. Without my financial support - he will also lose the resources he needs to build his business. I struggle with this so much - but it's not my fault he is in the situation he finds himself.
I thank you all for being here.... People who understand and will help me maintain my boundaries - and reassure me that I am enough, and I will be fine.
Please welcome me again and give me strength to heal. It is not alcoholism; but it seems to be an addiction none the less. And ever so slowly I allowed this man to become financially dependent on me; as I also allowed myself to become socially dependent on him. The pain, the struggle, seems like it will be much the same.
His addiction is attention - and DOC is female attention. We have cycled through this at least 5 times in the 6 years we have been together. First time before we got married - and I broke up with him -- and took him back.. While he denies he is doing anything wrong - and it is just how he is; I know that his lack of regard for how it makes me feel and his refusal to stop means that there is something wrong. Reminds me so much of the alcoholic dance I went through before.
It seems to come during a time of stress --- and I feel my normally attentive and devoted husband becoming distant and rude to me. I tell him how I feel - he dismisses it as me being sensitive; and assures me there is nothing wrong. After awhile my gut knows - so I check his phone. Sure enough - texts and facebook communication with his current target (victim?)
Looking at it on the surface it appears innocent chatter.... except in the context that he is a married man; and he is not showing the same intimacy to his wife. And as if he is grooming this person - it eventually crosses the line into sexual flirtation. A picture he sent to his current flame referenced his sports car - and how it makes girls' panties hit the floor.
He says that is how he is, and he's not going to change. My challenge is accepting this reality and doing what I need to do. We have talked divorce and sorted out our assets (so thankful for the prenup).
And, he really has no income. He is self employed and will not be generated income for the foreseeable future. Without my financial support - he will also lose the resources he needs to build his business. I struggle with this so much - but it's not my fault he is in the situation he finds himself.
I thank you all for being here.... People who understand and will help me maintain my boundaries - and reassure me that I am enough, and I will be fine.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Glad you came back, nowin. Acceptance is so difficult, but I've come to believe that once you see someone for who they really are, it is inevitable. We'll be here to support you as you move forward.
I just want to validate that you are not responsible for his financial dependency, and that he is not a child. What else are you doing for support? Are you doing anything to explore this "social dependency" you identify with him?
I just want to validate that you are not responsible for his financial dependency, and that he is not a child. What else are you doing for support? Are you doing anything to explore this "social dependency" you identify with him?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Welcome back, nowinsituation, you are always welcomed here
_Our_ recovery is not about _them_. It's about the damage that is done to _us_.
Oh goodness, how many different "addictions" show the same behavior? Sex addicts, socio-paths, chemical addicts, shop-aholics, etc. etc.
Welcome to the club. That was my challenge when my ex became addicted to pain pills. It was _my_ denial that kept me involved with a woman who had stopped being a partner years ago.
I've started a few business's over the years. The way you are supposed to do it is you borrow from a bank and pay it back with interest. From what you have described in your post you don't sound like you are a bank <joke>
You are enough, and you will be fine. Just like everybody else who finds their path to recovery.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Originally Posted by nowinsituation 
....It is not alcoholism; but it seems to be an addiction none the less.... The pain, the struggle, seems like it will be much the same. ...
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
.... While he denies he is doing anything wrong - and it is just how he is; I know that his lack of regard for how it makes me feel ...
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
.... My challenge is accepting this reality and doing what I need to do....
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
.... Without my financial support - he will also lose the resources he needs to build his business. ...
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
.... I am enough, and I will be fine....
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hi, nowinsituation!
I think of "recovery" as a process of becoming intimately acquainted with our own selves. All things self. It is one that is a lifelong process for all of us---no matter what our particular challenges are.....
dandylion
I think of "recovery" as a process of becoming intimately acquainted with our own selves. All things self. It is one that is a lifelong process for all of us---no matter what our particular challenges are.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
N-
I know that you are sad to be back, but at least you know where you can "think" straight. Yes, you are an enabler and have reverted back to your old ways. It's not helpless or hopeless. You need to start from scratch, you divorced your AH you know how to do this. You can rebuild!!
You need to start setting up your boundaries and figuring out what is acceptable and what is not. They groom all of us to accept what is not healthy for us. You know it is not right, and he tells you " this is who I am, accept it or leave" (no different then an addict). (I almost feel it is some type of sex addiction, where he is willing to ruin his marriage over this)
So what is your next step? If you want "tolerate" it you keep living the way you have been living. If you dont, then how can it change. He has to change or you. If he says that he "will" try and change then you have to "try" and believe him, can you do that? What ways could he do that, as they are always one step in front of you.
If you have threaten to separate or divorce but not followed through, he doesn't believe you. No different then an addict. You have to be willing to do what that is. He has to understand that you mean what you say. Take the time, figure it out, don't force a solution and things will fall into place the way God wants them too!!
Hugs my friend, we are here for you
I know that you are sad to be back, but at least you know where you can "think" straight. Yes, you are an enabler and have reverted back to your old ways. It's not helpless or hopeless. You need to start from scratch, you divorced your AH you know how to do this. You can rebuild!!
You need to start setting up your boundaries and figuring out what is acceptable and what is not. They groom all of us to accept what is not healthy for us. You know it is not right, and he tells you " this is who I am, accept it or leave" (no different then an addict). (I almost feel it is some type of sex addiction, where he is willing to ruin his marriage over this)
So what is your next step? If you want "tolerate" it you keep living the way you have been living. If you dont, then how can it change. He has to change or you. If he says that he "will" try and change then you have to "try" and believe him, can you do that? What ways could he do that, as they are always one step in front of you.
If you have threaten to separate or divorce but not followed through, he doesn't believe you. No different then an addict. You have to be willing to do what that is. He has to understand that you mean what you say. Take the time, figure it out, don't force a solution and things will fall into place the way God wants them too!!
Hugs my friend, we are here for you
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Originally Posted by Fabat50
You will be fine. More than fine. You will be free of this intoxicating Relationship. You are doing everything right. You have a plan, you know what you have to do. Stay focused. On YOU.
Good luck, keep us posted.
Good luck, keep us posted.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Glad to have you back though sorry for what brings you here.
Sounds like you have both communicated openly about the situation. He has said he is not changing. He is as aware as you are that he is financially dependent on you, and what a divorce will mean for him financially. Yet he is still not changing. Finances are just a part of life certainly something to consider to me its the more technical side of a marriage. Aside from all that what he is doing is cheating. He's not stopping regardless of how it makes you feel.
I could leave this situation and not shed one tear and certainly care less about how he is going to make it - he doesn't seem to be concerned so YOU don't be concerned (its such a Codie trait to care about the welfare of someone who doesn't care about themselves).
Sounds like you have both communicated openly about the situation. He has said he is not changing. He is as aware as you are that he is financially dependent on you, and what a divorce will mean for him financially. Yet he is still not changing. Finances are just a part of life certainly something to consider to me its the more technical side of a marriage. Aside from all that what he is doing is cheating. He's not stopping regardless of how it makes you feel.
I could leave this situation and not shed one tear and certainly care less about how he is going to make it - he doesn't seem to be concerned so YOU don't be concerned (its such a Codie trait to care about the welfare of someone who doesn't care about themselves).
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Disclaimer: I am not a health care professional. That being said.
My ex g/f was I believe addicted to sex and "attention" as you just described it. I went through the SAME type stuff. She blamed it on alcohol. Kind of convenient but nonetheless, they traveled in the same paths. One was always happening when the other one was. And to be fair, when she didn't drink, I never saw signs of the umm ( I am refraining from using vulgarity here) lifestyle for attention.
She never understood why I was embarrassed to go out with her. She never seemed to get that when she drank, she turned into (Graphic word not used).
So I never wanted to go out, therefore I was the problem. Something how that works out huh?
My ex g/f was I believe addicted to sex and "attention" as you just described it. I went through the SAME type stuff. She blamed it on alcohol. Kind of convenient but nonetheless, they traveled in the same paths. One was always happening when the other one was. And to be fair, when she didn't drink, I never saw signs of the umm ( I am refraining from using vulgarity here) lifestyle for attention.
She never understood why I was embarrassed to go out with her. She never seemed to get that when she drank, she turned into (Graphic word not used).
So I never wanted to go out, therefore I was the problem. Something how that works out huh?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Thanks thanks to you all....
I am still willing to work on things with him. As of this morning, he says he is willing to try. I am willing to try.....
What that means for now. He has agreed to listen when I tell him how I feel, and to try to see how his actions are causing me pain. He has agreed to tell me how he is feeling.....
I am cautiously optimistic.... He encouraged me to nurture friendships outside of our relationship. I agreed and said I would work on my "social dependence". I told him he also has to work on his "financial dependence". I need to set some mileposts in that regard as to income level and timeline before insisting that he get a job so he can contribute financially.
As far as the flirting... I'm not sure he understands. He listened to my concerns. Says he is not communicating with current "flame" any longer, although there is already a discrepancy in the timeline of when he said it stopped and when I know there was communication. Not a good sign....
It's day by day... and I know I have much work to do on myself still.... I will keep in touch on here. It is so easy to see from a distance. I hear myself saying things that don't make sense, and I would call bull**** on if I was reading these words from someone else. "But he loves me" "He has so much potential" "When he's not flirting (ie - using) he treats me so well".....
I am very aware of the danger of this path..... Deep breath....
I am still willing to work on things with him. As of this morning, he says he is willing to try. I am willing to try.....
What that means for now. He has agreed to listen when I tell him how I feel, and to try to see how his actions are causing me pain. He has agreed to tell me how he is feeling.....
I am cautiously optimistic.... He encouraged me to nurture friendships outside of our relationship. I agreed and said I would work on my "social dependence". I told him he also has to work on his "financial dependence". I need to set some mileposts in that regard as to income level and timeline before insisting that he get a job so he can contribute financially.
As far as the flirting... I'm not sure he understands. He listened to my concerns. Says he is not communicating with current "flame" any longer, although there is already a discrepancy in the timeline of when he said it stopped and when I know there was communication. Not a good sign....
It's day by day... and I know I have much work to do on myself still.... I will keep in touch on here. It is so easy to see from a distance. I hear myself saying things that don't make sense, and I would call bull**** on if I was reading these words from someone else. "But he loves me" "He has so much potential" "When he's not flirting (ie - using) he treats me so well".....
I am very aware of the danger of this path..... Deep breath....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sorry but this guy sounds really creepy. and has you snowed. YOU support him and how does he repay that? by actively seeking female sexual attention on line. and this behavior has gone on since BEFORE you got married.
now that you threaten divorce he's changing his tune.
i don't care if he is financially dependent on you......he's not five.....have you considered he's "using" you for your money? doing the kept man thing?
now that you threaten divorce he's changing his tune.
i don't care if he is financially dependent on you......he's not five.....have you considered he's "using" you for your money? doing the kept man thing?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by nowinsituation
He has agreed to listen when I tell him how I feel, and to try to see how his actions are causing me pain.
What keeps you willing to keep trying? Five times in six years...that is a pattern of addictive behavior. What is compelling you to try to make somethings work with someone who has not proven willing to do the same?
Last edited by DesertEyes; 10-25-2015 at 12:28 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Believe me... I do hear you...
I don't have the strength for divorce right now. I'm going to work on building up my strength.
I have been in touch with my alanon sponsor from back in the day. She knew me from when my husband and I first met and dated.
With her help, local alanon, and you all I will be strong again.
I don't have the strength for divorce right now. I'm going to work on building up my strength.
I have been in touch with my alanon sponsor from back in the day. She knew me from when my husband and I first met and dated.
With her help, local alanon, and you all I will be strong again.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
It's amazing how battered and low all the lies, manipulations and arrogance can make you feel. I understand how you feel-and your feelings are valid. It is amazing how all addicts and their affects on significant others are most often the same....I'm so sorry you are back, but I want to send you hugs and prayers for peace-you deserve it!! You are strong!!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Can't help wonder how sexy and attractive these "flames" would find him if they knew he can't afford the gas for his sports car ?
this guy is disrespecting you, you say you are not ready to leave, but in reality,he already has left the marriage, husbands who are committed and devoted to their wives do not talk like this, ever.
While I do not know if he is a sex addict or just a person lacking of moral compass, think it's safe to say, if these behaviors would have surfaced during your early dating years , you would have ran away. So why/ how is now any different?
this is not acceptable behavior, You are worthy of so much more.
Personally, I'd like to just shove those"panties" down his throat.
this guy is disrespecting you, you say you are not ready to leave, but in reality,he already has left the marriage, husbands who are committed and devoted to their wives do not talk like this, ever.
While I do not know if he is a sex addict or just a person lacking of moral compass, think it's safe to say, if these behaviors would have surfaced during your early dating years , you would have ran away. So why/ how is now any different?
this is not acceptable behavior, You are worthy of so much more.
Personally, I'd like to just shove those"panties" down his throat.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Here is a post of yours from 2010......
I am afraid that if I enforce my boundary, that the relationship will end....
and therefore, all relationships will end....
because at some point in each relationship I will need to enforce a boundary....
Sometimes I can do it, because I really don't care anymore.....
I am happy that that relationship ends, it is a relief.....
And I have other relationships to get me through.....
But sometimes (like now) I care so much.....
And I don't want it to end....
So I ignore my boundaries.
And I hang on to the relationship with all my might....
because I've been in worse, and I don't know how to have any better....
And I'm tired of being afraid.....
I believe this is in regard to your current husband. This was written after you had caught him the first time sexting or whatever with someone else. You wrote a couple of things as well that seem to be ongoing...such as he was unemployed then, and you were paying for everything. He was also behind in child support and you were feeling conflicted about whether to bail him out.
Here's my advice you can take it or leave it. You married someone who apparently has a history of not working. At times it seems that you both have worked together on deals that were financed by you, but he helped with. I think you need to take a step back and look at him for who he is rather than who you hope that he will be. Its perfectly fine to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't work. I think we as a culture are still very sexist about our ideas about who should work and who shouldn't. If you married him hoping that he would start working and start financially contributing when that is not his history then its YOU who made the mistake if its something that YOU want. He has said "this is who I am take it or leave it" Believe these words and be thankful he is at least honest about that.
As for the sexting and inappropriate flirtations, there have been many before you married and after. This is not something I believe you can solve. I have to assume that you have been down the road of trying to solve this before. I recommend you look into a marriage counselor to address these issues as well as your own issues of social dependency.
. I need to set some mileposts in that regard as to income level and timeline before insisting that he get a job so he can contribute financially. This sounds like a parent. You are standing behind him and drawing lines in the sand to get him to work. Why your husband won't work or hasn't had the ambition/motivation I think may have more to do with your permissiveness in allowing this situation to troll along. Or, he may just not want to. You really need to figure that out. A non-codie response would be to come to an agreement to a date he either ***** or gets off the pot. As far as funding his business - caveat emptor- You are investing in someone who has a proven track record of not generating income.
I do get not wanting to divorce I really do. I can't say this can be solved or not - I do believe you deserve better than someone who has repeatedly broken vows no matter how great he is on the flip side. I hope marriage counseling is something you will consider.
I am afraid that if I enforce my boundary, that the relationship will end....
and therefore, all relationships will end....
because at some point in each relationship I will need to enforce a boundary....
Sometimes I can do it, because I really don't care anymore.....
I am happy that that relationship ends, it is a relief.....
And I have other relationships to get me through.....
But sometimes (like now) I care so much.....
And I don't want it to end....
So I ignore my boundaries.
And I hang on to the relationship with all my might....
because I've been in worse, and I don't know how to have any better....
And I'm tired of being afraid.....
I believe this is in regard to your current husband. This was written after you had caught him the first time sexting or whatever with someone else. You wrote a couple of things as well that seem to be ongoing...such as he was unemployed then, and you were paying for everything. He was also behind in child support and you were feeling conflicted about whether to bail him out.
Here's my advice you can take it or leave it. You married someone who apparently has a history of not working. At times it seems that you both have worked together on deals that were financed by you, but he helped with. I think you need to take a step back and look at him for who he is rather than who you hope that he will be. Its perfectly fine to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't work. I think we as a culture are still very sexist about our ideas about who should work and who shouldn't. If you married him hoping that he would start working and start financially contributing when that is not his history then its YOU who made the mistake if its something that YOU want. He has said "this is who I am take it or leave it" Believe these words and be thankful he is at least honest about that.
As for the sexting and inappropriate flirtations, there have been many before you married and after. This is not something I believe you can solve. I have to assume that you have been down the road of trying to solve this before. I recommend you look into a marriage counselor to address these issues as well as your own issues of social dependency.
. I need to set some mileposts in that regard as to income level and timeline before insisting that he get a job so he can contribute financially. This sounds like a parent. You are standing behind him and drawing lines in the sand to get him to work. Why your husband won't work or hasn't had the ambition/motivation I think may have more to do with your permissiveness in allowing this situation to troll along. Or, he may just not want to. You really need to figure that out. A non-codie response would be to come to an agreement to a date he either ***** or gets off the pot. As far as funding his business - caveat emptor- You are investing in someone who has a proven track record of not generating income.
I do get not wanting to divorce I really do. I can't say this can be solved or not - I do believe you deserve better than someone who has repeatedly broken vows no matter how great he is on the flip side. I hope marriage counseling is something you will consider.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
As Dr Phil shays, "For every rat you see there's 50 you don't."
You should NEVER feel dismissed by your "husband" (I put this in quotes because he's acting like a spoiled child). Btw, what you're doing with explaining your feelings and trying to convince him that you matter was my form of insanity / codependency too. Then I realized the only person that has to believe my feelings matter is me!
PS -- I believe God will continue to put us in the same situation over and over until we learn what we need to learn.
You should NEVER feel dismissed by your "husband" (I put this in quotes because he's acting like a spoiled child). Btw, what you're doing with explaining your feelings and trying to convince him that you matter was my form of insanity / codependency too. Then I realized the only person that has to believe my feelings matter is me!
PS -- I believe God will continue to put us in the same situation over and over until we learn what we need to learn.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
You deserve so much more.
He will never change. He is a prize manipulater. He sees your hesitation and vulnerability and uses it for his own personal gain.
Get out now while you can. You are a strong woman, full of life and love. You don't need him bringing you down. You need someone who will lift you up to be all that you can be in life.
(I have been there I think I know a bit about what you are living)
He will never change. He is a prize manipulater. He sees your hesitation and vulnerability and uses it for his own personal gain.
Get out now while you can. You are a strong woman, full of life and love. You don't need him bringing you down. You need someone who will lift you up to be all that you can be in life.
(I have been there I think I know a bit about what you are living)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Folks, I am so proud of myself!!! I knew if I focused and reached out I would be strong. What I allowed to happen is unbelievable - even to me...
A month has passed of supposedly "working on things". While there has been no inappropriate communications (that I know of anyway) - My husband was not trying to reconnect with me in any way. He remained cold and distant; with one odd exception. One night in the middle of the night I woke to him sobbing uncontrollable and begging me to hold him. The next morning, he didn't want to talk about it - it was "nothing".
So - onward - he finally agreed to tell me WHAT is wrong; and it turns out that he has decided he doesn't like my core personality!!! I am introverted and independent - it bothers him I don't like to socialize and that I don't ask him for help.
I was in shock.... and in a not very proud moment agreed to continue living together and being "roommates".... with me still being the only one financially responsible. That cesspool in the bottom of my gut was desparate.
Then my soul woke up.... after only two days thankfully! I told him he has to move out - and he is financially on his own effective immediately. There are things I am doing to cushion it for him; but I am also going to be compensated for this help when we sell one of our investment properties.
And I feel great!!!!! In the last month I have gotten my anxiety meds straightened out - went to alanon and therapy - and started a new job... I feel very peaceful and calm. I blocked him on facebook so I can't see his posturing. I feel strong now - and I need to still call on all your strength to not cave in when I see his sad little face....
We were going to meet last night to discuss what he can take from the house. He cancelled at the last minute and said he preferred to send me a list; which I don't have yet. He will be out by tomorrow..... he stayed somewhere else last night. I had the best night in a long time with my puppies and watching a movie (When a Man Loves a Woman - off all things - great timing).
Whew!!!
A month has passed of supposedly "working on things". While there has been no inappropriate communications (that I know of anyway) - My husband was not trying to reconnect with me in any way. He remained cold and distant; with one odd exception. One night in the middle of the night I woke to him sobbing uncontrollable and begging me to hold him. The next morning, he didn't want to talk about it - it was "nothing".
So - onward - he finally agreed to tell me WHAT is wrong; and it turns out that he has decided he doesn't like my core personality!!! I am introverted and independent - it bothers him I don't like to socialize and that I don't ask him for help.
I was in shock.... and in a not very proud moment agreed to continue living together and being "roommates".... with me still being the only one financially responsible. That cesspool in the bottom of my gut was desparate.
Then my soul woke up.... after only two days thankfully! I told him he has to move out - and he is financially on his own effective immediately. There are things I am doing to cushion it for him; but I am also going to be compensated for this help when we sell one of our investment properties.
And I feel great!!!!! In the last month I have gotten my anxiety meds straightened out - went to alanon and therapy - and started a new job... I feel very peaceful and calm. I blocked him on facebook so I can't see his posturing. I feel strong now - and I need to still call on all your strength to not cave in when I see his sad little face....
We were going to meet last night to discuss what he can take from the house. He cancelled at the last minute and said he preferred to send me a list; which I don't have yet. He will be out by tomorrow..... he stayed somewhere else last night. I had the best night in a long time with my puppies and watching a movie (When a Man Loves a Woman - off all things - great timing).
Whew!!!
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