ejm31

I’m a 31 year old fighting life everyday due to my alcoholism and depression! I have given up on everything in my life. I have a wife and a daughter that I have gave up on I don’t even want to be around them, I feel so ashamed and hurt to see them. I have hurt them both so badly in my destruction of my life! I ask for advice I don’t know what to do? Please anyone who can give me advice I would appreciate it greatly! They say you will know when you hit rock bottom well I did 2 years ago now I have learned how to be a deep diver living off the bottom like a bottom feeder! I can’t go on like this! What to do?

bikewench

Hey EJM..

Welcome to Sober Recovery...
I'm a recoverying bulimic, addict and alcoholic.

Your in a world of hurt... that's pretty plain to see...

So... you've gone past the "hit bottom" phase and the bottom feeder phase...

I guess the only question left for you is ...have you become teachable? Are you ready and willing to go get help now for your addiction? Are you ready to begin to find out for yourself about what is driving you to drink?

The answers and help are out there... but you have to be the one to go after it.
I guess you know now that addiction is always progressive... it doesn't go away....

I hope you chose life...

Dan

Hi EJM,
Bike asks if you're teachable now... I'm guessing you are, even if you don't feel it right now. I did the bottom gig too. Skid row, blown family and jobs, the whole package.
I ran and ran, but I always ended up with myself, wherever I went.
So yeah, I got some help. And slowly, still today, after almost a year since I hit the wall, I'm getting better.
It's never too late.
I hope you join the rest of us that dared enough to hope.

jmhs002

Hey ejm
I am new to this, but I can say one thing. The people here want to help and support you in anyway possible. Read some posts, I did, and I kept seeing myself in many of them. I hope you decide to stick around here and lean on some people - it can help. Stay safe.

Little Missy

((EJM)) Just know that you are not alone! We can all understand where you are coming from. There is a better life out there waiting for you.

Hugs,
Missy

junem

Welcome to our site EJM,
Many of us here have been exactly where you are now. It is a very painful desperate place and I am sorry to see you suffering so badly. Admitting you cannot go on this way anymore is a first step to finding the way out. I am pretty sure you are willing to do what ever it takes to get better now. I am a recovering alcoholic who also suffers periodically from major depression. I needed to get professional help to set me on the path of recovery. I get alot of support from AA as well and couldn't stay sober without that fellowship. Our depression cannot be treated effectively as long as we drink so abstinace is a must. Please seek help and give AA a try. You have nothing to loose and only hope to gain. My prayers are with you.

3legacy

(((((((((EJM)))))))))
Welcome to SR, you are not alone.

I was 31 and 32 when I went on my last 9 month bender and finally reached my rock bottom. I hadn't given up on my child but figured he & his Mom had given up on me. Well, actually his Mom gave up on me years before and booted me to the curb two weeks before he was born. My own Mother would have done anything for me to get help with my emotional and alcohol problem. Bummer was ....... that it took her passing away for me to go on that last bender.

Alcoholism and depression were about all I had left when I finally hit my bottom. My siblings did not even want to hear from me when I finally was able to accept HELP. Visitations were pretty well nil with my son in my last months of drinking and into early sobriety. I was not even allowed to call my son (then 4) on the phone when I was released from my last jail term. Yes, I was frequently seeking lower companions but found out later that they were never any lower than me in reality.

Guilt and shame continued to deepen my depressions. I am grateful I eventually found a solution in Alcoholics Anonymous. Eventually, after only surfing meetings, I got a sponsor who walked with me through the 12 Steps for the first time and even further. LIFE began to show hope & promise for me as I put more effort into participating in my own sobriety. I was eventually able to repair much of the damage of my past relationships but it took time and much effort I could not do alone.

Its great when we stop beating ourselves up :friday:

and start uplifting ourselves and others.

Today, my Son lives full time with me and his Mother and I get along wonderfully while keeping his best interest as our focus. She picked me up at the airport a couple weeks back when I returned home from another funeral I did not have to drink over.

Lots more to my story both drinking, depressed, and in Recovery. I hope we get a chance to talk live-time in chat soon. I look forward to reading more of your posts and would love to better get to know you as time permits. Not enough time in the day nowadays, and yet a few years back, I always wondered what I would do with myself if I ever quit drinking.

((((((((EJM))))))))
Keeping you in Thoughts and Prayers
In Love & Service,
Three Legs
:tri

1Marty

Hi EJM. Your not alone in this problem. I also had rock bottoms that turned out to be false. I ended up just digging deeper and deeper. You sound like your ready to accept help. Like others mentioned. You have to be teachable. You have to have the willingness. For me the AA program has helped me achieve the longest length of sobriety I've had yet. I would read and learn all you can about alcoholism, seek out info on recovery programs. Listen and try to relate to others. You will find you not alone with your problems. Best of luck to you.

phil

Hi EJM and Welcome to SR,

Hi name is Phil and alcoholic. Those are some heart felt words you posted there. I too felt like you do right now. Hurt beyond hurt! Have you tried contacting AA? The overall advice here is going to be reaching out for some outside help. The fellowship of AA helped me. I know its a huge step at least was for me. But as you have seen, for some of us. We simply cannot do it alone.

I live just 40 miles south of you in Toledo. Would you be suprised if I told you there 370 meetings per week within a 50 mile radius of us. Since your closer to Detroit Id bet, double that figure. Every time day or night theres someone out there just like you. Who needs someone to listen. More importantly you need to listen to them. Reach out!

Im asking you to call AA hotline. It should be the Monroe or Detroit # in your phone book. Talk with someone. If you need medical Detox Dont close that phone book and keep calling. If that dont work go to the nearest hospital and go right in the ER. The faster you get started the better.The important things is dont quit tryin. We are here for support. But your going to need some 1 on 1 help as it sounds. Try to eliminate the fear my friend. There is life beyond addiction, as many of us will testify! But just as it took a long time to get where your at, it will take some time to get straight again. Get your game face on and get started. Get your self respect back and learn to live life again.

If theres anything I can do please feel free to email me or instant message me. I have info on meetings in Monroe. But thats as far North as my directory goes.

Good Luck, Phil

Patsyd1

Hi ejm,

I would suggest that you go to your telephone book, and look up "Alcoholics Anonymous" and call that number. Tell them what you have told us here. They can help you ejm, they have a solution that works.

I knew when I had hit bottom, I stopped digging. I had nowhere left to go, but up.

Do it for you ejm, just pick up the phone and make the call.

Patsy

ejm31

Thank you all for your words of wisdom! I have tried AA and enjoyed the support from others. It seems the days I am sober it hurts more I think about all the pain I have caused to others. Boy I feel worst when I don't drink,I try to read or do something by myself so I don't run to the bar and I'm lost! I don't enjoy anything but I try to fool people like I do! I live threw others as long as I make them happy I'm happy but I don't know what true happiness is for myself. I have a great job,big house,no money problems and I ask what more do I need? I had it all great family,money,house,cars & it didn't make me happy or my family. I let so many people down by turning into this demon! I try so hard to be happy and do right but I always end up crying some where by the end of the day! It hurts to look into the mirror and at my loved ones!!! Thank you all!!!

Dan

You also let yourself down my friend. And that, perhaps, is what you have to look at. Broken relationships and families can't be repaired until you find a way to repair what's broken inside you. Yesterday is gone. And no matter how much our past behaviors and the effects they had on our loved ones haunt us, we have to let go. We can't change what we did yesterday.
But we sure can have a say in what we're going to do today. And tomorrow.
But it all starts today, by asking ourselves one simple question.
How bad do I want out of the insanity?
Every morning, I ask myself that question.
We do recover, and we do get better. And we can start the rebuilding process.
But first, I had to stop running away from myself.
Yesterday is gone. It's true.

ejm31

Every day i wake up I try to think of today and not the past but it always seems to haunt me! yesterday I started bowling and I didn't have a drink at all but I found myself to be down not wanting to be there! I'm trying to seek help for my depression which I have in the past also! It sounds funny but I don't run to the bar to get drunk I go for the attention and people! I have a hard time being alone or siting for long periods. Today I'm trying to make day two and yes I have gone to AA on Tuesday. Thank you for support

Halle1170

Hi EJM, I am new to these boards too. My boyfriend of 10 years sounds alot like you. He doesn't seem happy unless he is out living life at the bars. I struggle to make him understand how much harm he is doing to our relationship. He seems to understand when he is sober, but when he's been partying, forget it. I am the last person in the world he seems to care about. He has a lot of guilt inside him for things that have occured between us when he's been drunk, so at times he shuns away from me. I guess I don't have a real words of wisdom for you, since I'm on the other side of the picture, but I commend you for being brave enough to start at day one & day two. We all have to start somewhere!
Good Luck I hope you and your family will recover one day at a time.

Halle1170

To continue...have your wife and daugther given up on you? I mean is that what it has taken for you to come here? I guess my real question is, should I try the "tough love" out on my boyfriend? Do your family members really matter when it comes to that? I suppose each person is different as far as hitting their bottom, so one person may say yes it caused me to refocus my life and the next could say no, it didn't matter one bit, my wife was a b*tch anyway. I don't care if she leaves.

Maybe I should post in the family/friend section, but I really want to know what makes some of you tick. Don't get me wrong, I know alcoholism is a disease, but looking back now, is there something that a loved one could have done to make you realize your problems any faster.

Sorry EJM, this isn't a real reply to your post, but I'm struggling to figure out what to do in my own relationship and your post really sounded like it could come straight from the mouth of my boyfriend.

lulu70

Hello EJM, and welcome to SR! My name is Laura and I am a recovering alkie/pothead with a precious 6+ months of sobriety.
I can only tell you what has worked for me. When I hit my "bottom" (and it is different for everyone) I became so desperate that I was willing to do ANYTHING to get sober. I admitted myself to a residential treatment center and did everything I could to get the most out of it. When I got out of treatment, I went to at least one AA meeting everyday, most days two or three. I got a sponsor and I started working the steps. I was honest, open-minded, and willing. I spoke up in meetings about what was on my mind. I got the phone numbers of other women in recovery and I used them. I called my sponsor every day. Most of all, I did not pick up a drink or drug.

As I said, this is what worked for me, and it has worked for MANY others.

Good luck to you and congratulations on Day 2.

Hugs--

godsonmyside

Alot of good suggestions here, I would add that maybe to stop crawling againt the stream, and really learn what you can do about your problem by reaching out for help. If you don't like the way you are living, gotta make a change. Give AA a chance, really give it a chance, chances are you might beable to get the help you are looking for if you let people, the same people who have been right where your at. You don't have to lose everything before you get help for your problem. Committ to 90 days of abstinence, get involved, if you feel you don't belong, do what people who do belong are doing. Only something that has worked for me and many others before me. What have you got to lose by coming out of a bad situation sober and happy.

Dan

Hi Halle, and welcome.
Nothing anyone said or did could have stopped me.
It simply wasn't on my agenda to be receptive to others in any way, much less loved ones that had genuine concerns for me. It got in the way of my enjoying my addiction. My one and only concern was feeding my habits. Alcohol or other drugs. All I thought about was getting it and consuming it.
In the end, when I realized that a bottle meant more to me than my children, I simply gave in and tried to make it the last drink, as in I'm done with living.
It wasn't my day. I ended up getting some help, by force of circumstance.
I'm grateful for that today.

junem

I have been thinking of you and hoping you are okay on day 2. Stay safe.

ChrisMan

EJM,

I'm ChrisMan and I'm thinking about you, too. Hope you are okay and please feel free to post here, no matter what. There is a lot of support here. A lot of connection.