GoesWithTheFlow

Hey SR, I have been missing from the forums because I have been struggling with picking up again and been ashamed. I am sober tonight and just wanted a place to write some thoughts down.

A couple weeks back I read something that stuck with me: "You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with."... I don't get much time to spend with close friends as we are all busy and live some distance away from each other but when I do spend time with people now they are all at the bar. Like my own Cheers... I know what I want to be and thinking about this reality I am once again creating for myself is not that.

I took it a step further. I asked myself: over your life who have you spent most of your time with? I thought of my five closest friends and they all have their issues with alcohol...

I remember reading somewhere that adults who started drinking when they were in their teens are more likely to develop problems with alcohol. I thought back to my closest friends and sure enough we all struggle with alcohol. Although it seems I get the worst of the consequences from drinking than most of them.

I talked with one of my friends {she has it worse than I} today for a couple hours, who struggles with drinking a "thin" bottle of vodka a day (down from a handle). She would like to quit but last time she went a couple days without drinking she collapsed with seizures.

It's crazy how different she looks and sounds from even just three years ago. I remember a lot of guys in high school (and men), including I, wanting to date her. I remember her beautiful laugh and genuine happy face. Now there is a sad tone in her voice, she cry's just about every time I have spoken with her this year. She looks weak and frail at only 101 pounds.

After hearing her today I had a realization: she may be my first friend to leave this world to soon if something doesn't change.

But I can't look at her without feeling like I am staring at a mirror. I don't drink a bottle of vodka a day, I don't drink every day. But I am not the same as I once was either. My body feels different and depression lingers.

I walk through the university looking at all the youngsters (I am 32) and remembering how it was like to be so happy and carefree. How I wish I could back and change things not just for me but for my friends. We don't look at the world through the same happy eyes we once did in our youth. We struggle with just living and then we have to deal with the issues we created for ourselves before we could understand what we were doing.

We were young and we were having fun...

Alcohol is a hell of a drug.

P.S. High school or college students: If you can stop it now you will avoid a whole lot of pain later. It feels good. It feels good for a while and then it doesn't. Save yourself the grief.

JD

GoesWithTheFlow, you're still young too. I'm 25 years older than you, not far from twice your age. You can stop this now and have a great life in front of you. I'm planning on that.

FreeOwl

When I was 32 I hadn't even begun to question yet....

I kept on blindly living a life of alcohol (and drugs) for another several years before it really began to strike me there might be a problem - despite lots of clear signs.

I'm glad you're back here sharing and expressing these thoughts, and I hope within these thoughts and within these virtual halls with us, you'll find inspiration to choose sobriety. It is SO much better.

Dee74

You have an excellent chance to change now and get out of this thing with most of the things you love and value intact GWTF.

It's not a chance many of us took - don't waste it.

D

Jsbodhi

I'm 32 as well, I'm also at uni, we can stop while we're ahead.
Best wishes and glad to see you here xoxo

PurpleKnight

Welcome back GoesWithTheFlow!!

Marylynn123456

this brought tears to my eyes. Its so sad about your friend. I will pray for u and all your friends. And i guess this made me cry cause i relate to this so much. Im 35 now and started at 15 and its been one long struggle and i send u my prayers and to all your friends. I remember the happy old days when i was 15 and now i see my old friends just a mess its a very sad thing

Soberish

I'm in the same boat, close to your age and at a university. I can relate when you say how all the young students look so happy. Its like where did all the time go? My life used to be like that, or at least I think it was, it was years ago so it seems so vague.

I read an article a while back about a 30 year study some person did. The study consisted of a bunch of interviews with successful people who make a lot of money (millionaires), and average people who make enough money to live and be comfortable (most of society). This person was trying to find out what the difference was between them, like what separates the millionaires from the average people. According to this study, as a whole, the millionaires were comfortable with uncertainty and didn't dwell on how great their past used to be, instead they learned from it an wanted to constantly make it better. Landing a new job or new place in a different area for instance, was something they found to be a new opportunity instead of dwelling on how great their life was 4 years ago (or whenever) at that other job or place they once had. The average persons as a whole, according to this 30 year study, always seemed to have a point in their past they thought as "the good times". They found a living that worked for them and sort of just hit their peak in life and settled down, cherishing those good times every now and then.

I guess you can say the millionaires looked to their future for the good times and the average society had a time in their past that were the good times. I looked for this article to share here but I couldn't find it cause I read it like 6 months ago.

Now I am in no way a millionaire or even that average person who has settled down yet. I'm working on getting myself on my own two feet still. I dont plan on being a millionaire either, because in my opinion money doesn't buy happiness anyways. But what I got from this article is we need to look at the future and know it is uncertain but that we can make it great, even greater than we once had it. I constantly think of the past and how great I felt and had it, so I am no pro at this. But if we can make some serious changes and put some serious effort, I think we can make our futures be that place that are considered our best times in life. And when I say 'we' I mean anyone on SR that is trying to move forward in life. Just quit using for good now and try not to look back like that because we have a future ahead of us. I'm only 3 weeks into being completely substance free so things are not perfect, and they will never be because perfect doesn't exist. We may feel stuck right now but we need to try and stay as positive as we can because negativity is immobilizing. I hope this isn't too long, I just kind of got carried away.

Soberwolf

Have you revised your sobriety plan bud

GoesWithTheFlow

Thank you for the prayers Trust me when I say your tears are as they are my (our) own. I know you understand what I am saying since you are going through a similar experience.

Thank you for thoughtful post I really like your piece.

I am at that.. pivot point, for lack of a better term, in my life with choosing one path or the other. I actually would love and work toward being a millionaire, even if I fail I wouldn't mind dying if I chased the money.

There are people that are just killing life with there mobility and positive attitude. I struggle with getting past my depression to see the positive side of things. But still I try. I have hope that I can give it up forever and then see life the way I once did; I guess that is mainly what I miss about the past.

You are right: We must keep trying to be positive and change things so that we can have the best times of life to come.

GoesWithTheFlow

I can't seem to stick to a plan... I need more control honestly. I need to learn control in order to follow through with my plan.

Hevyn

Really glad to see you, Goes.

I'm much older than you too - and at 32 it never occurred to me to stop drinking. As a result, I just kept trying to manage it - with chaotic results. In the end, I was completely dependent on it & totally miserable. It was never fun or exciting as it had once been. I chased that feeling for too many years, and it was never coming back. I'm so grateful to be free. We know you can get there.

littlefish

Your post struck such a chord with me! When I was at university decades ago I had a moment of clarity that I quickly rationalized and pushed as far out of my conscious mind as possible. I was really good at removing those troubling thoughts from my mind when I was active.

I had met some friends at campus mid morning one day. One friend said she was off to the library to study. Another had a play to rehearse, another a class. Another the gym.
I stayed silent. Because I was planning to leave campus, buy a six pack and get drunk, alone, as fast as I could. Before noon. I'd already dropped out of college once. I would drop out again.
As I left the liquor store and headed to my student housing apartment I had the worst feeling in the world, I knew I was NOT okay.

But, I pushed the nagging worry that I was sick out of my mind. Lots of normal kids at that age were drinking abnormally. It seems you are also noticing that some of those partying kids at university are already alcoholics.
Seeing other students drink like maniacs at parties till they passed out gave me lots of golden opportunities to rationalize.

Every time a young person, especially a university student, comes into the program, (my program of recovery), I feel so happy for them. Sure, sometimes I feel sad, and angry with myself: why didn't I quit sooner? Why did I delude myself for so long? But, mostly, I feel a great sense of admiration for them.

Every day young people, and you are still young, recover. It is totally doable.
Look into a recovery program, on larger campuses there is usually a group, an AA group or perhaps an alternative. Having the support of other people your age in recovery is really helpful. And it will give you a sober sum of five!

Soberish

I may have misinterpreted your first post, I was under the assumption you were attending a university because of your mentioning walking through the university. Either way, I could relate to your post in numerous ways.

You were saying that you are good friends with people at the bar, I have similar friends back in my hometown that drink and party often, its like an everyday part of their lives. Hard to let them go cause I've known them for years. It's also hard to find somewhere else and a different type of people to relate with when we have become so accustomed to the environment and the type of people that go along with it. You say you recently came back from using again, and I don't know how far you were in your recovery before this, but sometimes it takes some good solid sober time to get our brain chemistry right. You may have still not been seeing the world clearly, simply because you needed more sober time. It could also have been that you need to find your sober place in life, such as finding some close friends that are sober and some sober activities that you like. It could also be a combination of both. I feel I am dealing with both phases right now in my life. I only have a few weeks of sober time. And I only have one sober friend out of my group of friends, and they are back in my hometown. We've all got to start somewhere though.

As Dee put it in a previous post, something along these line: "We used to put so much effort into drinking, we should try putting that same effort into our sobriety and happiness". We didn't only drink for one day either, so we can't expect it to work itself out in one day, or even a week for that matter. Just take it a day at a time GoesWithTheFlow, I'm glad you came back.

Itchy

My saying about it is simple. I liked alcohol when it was voluntary. Not so much when it became mandatory.

teatreeoil007

Thx for this post! Yeah, I don't plan on being a millionaire either, but I get the drift too. Good msg... Glad you have a positive outlook.

"The best is yet to come", friend!