Guidance in how to tell the kids he's leaving.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Guidance in how to tell the kids he's leaving.
So November 7 is his moving out day, which seems like an eternity away on some days and like a second away on others. Either way, we need to tell our kids, I have a 22 year old that lives very far away and a 19 year old away at college.
I know I cannot blame him to them, but it is just so unfair that I've been crapped on for so long and he gets to sashay into the sunset with the kids believing "we" have decided this is what's best for "us". Everyone tells me, don't worry, the kids know the truth, but you know what, they don't.
My son always protected his father. He thought I was loud and yelled and his father was quiet and nice. He will blame me for this and that is not right. How do you tell them the truth without badmouthing. I don't want them to feel they need to take a side or any of that. My parents got divorced when I was about 18 and they ripped each other apart and still do to this day!! I don't want my kids to have to deal with that. Nobody should endure that. But it kind of pisses me off that he gets to walk away scot free after being such a sh*t to me and this relationship.
In writing this I obviously think I still have a bit of anger to work through. But it's mainly when it has to do with my kids. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I feel like they have endured enough living in the home with the constant fighting, and my son has major codependency issues, and I fear for their not having normal relationships in the future.
I know I can't control that. And this is their journey to take on their own. And i can't control the outcome. I just want to make it easier for them. I don't want them to suffer or hurt, although i know they will. I feel like my own codependency is writing this post! Reading back I can really see it. It's a fine line between codependency in this case and being a protective mother who knows what her kids have endured in the past and want them to be happy.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I want to do this before then. He has parents weekend next weekend at college and I don't want to do it then. All the kids parents come and his come to tell him they are separating. Nope, won't do that. Should we drive up there? It's 7 hours away on a different weekend? He has finals coming up and I don't want to jeopardize that for him, but that's in December. Obviously we have to tell him before that. And he's currently in the process of transferring and I feel like this will completely throw him off track.
How? When? Where? I am in need of so much help and advice and your thoughts. Help. Thanks.
I know I cannot blame him to them, but it is just so unfair that I've been crapped on for so long and he gets to sashay into the sunset with the kids believing "we" have decided this is what's best for "us". Everyone tells me, don't worry, the kids know the truth, but you know what, they don't.
My son always protected his father. He thought I was loud and yelled and his father was quiet and nice. He will blame me for this and that is not right. How do you tell them the truth without badmouthing. I don't want them to feel they need to take a side or any of that. My parents got divorced when I was about 18 and they ripped each other apart and still do to this day!! I don't want my kids to have to deal with that. Nobody should endure that. But it kind of pisses me off that he gets to walk away scot free after being such a sh*t to me and this relationship.
In writing this I obviously think I still have a bit of anger to work through. But it's mainly when it has to do with my kids. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I feel like they have endured enough living in the home with the constant fighting, and my son has major codependency issues, and I fear for their not having normal relationships in the future.
I know I can't control that. And this is their journey to take on their own. And i can't control the outcome. I just want to make it easier for them. I don't want them to suffer or hurt, although i know they will. I feel like my own codependency is writing this post! Reading back I can really see it. It's a fine line between codependency in this case and being a protective mother who knows what her kids have endured in the past and want them to be happy.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I want to do this before then. He has parents weekend next weekend at college and I don't want to do it then. All the kids parents come and his come to tell him they are separating. Nope, won't do that. Should we drive up there? It's 7 hours away on a different weekend? He has finals coming up and I don't want to jeopardize that for him, but that's in December. Obviously we have to tell him before that. And he's currently in the process of transferring and I feel like this will completely throw him off track.
How? When? Where? I am in need of so much help and advice and your thoughts. Help. Thanks.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Amy, from your header I thought you were left to tell them yourself, but in the last paragraph you seem to imply you'd both be driving down to talk to them.
So first, try to get some clarity on who is breaking the news. Logically it would be him seeing he's the one who has made the decision. But assuming it's you it never hurts to stick to the truth i.e. 'your father has decided to leave. At first I was devastated but now I think it will be for the best. We both love you.'
You don't have to apologise or explain beyond the obvious, remembering that he's the one who has decided to leave. Try to avoid being apologetic because they may take it as a sign that you're guilty of something. Also avoid delving into your RAH's motives - just say they'll have to talk to him themselves.
You can do this. It's upsetting for everyone, including you, but if you show a calm acceptance of the inevitable you'll be showing an example.
So first, try to get some clarity on who is breaking the news. Logically it would be him seeing he's the one who has made the decision. But assuming it's you it never hurts to stick to the truth i.e. 'your father has decided to leave. At first I was devastated but now I think it will be for the best. We both love you.'
You don't have to apologise or explain beyond the obvious, remembering that he's the one who has decided to leave. Try to avoid being apologetic because they may take it as a sign that you're guilty of something. Also avoid delving into your RAH's motives - just say they'll have to talk to him themselves.
You can do this. It's upsetting for everyone, including you, but if you show a calm acceptance of the inevitable you'll be showing an example.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amy.......having read your posts about how this marriage has gone, I understand how difficult this is for the mother part of you. I think any mother could understand ......
I would like to say a word to you about how young people are....people who are the age of your kids.....lol....I mean young adults.
The central focus of their lives is their immediate "now"....which primarily centers around the new life that they are already forming....centered on their social relationships and immediate wants and needs.
Of course they think about their parents and family....I don't mean to say that they don't. You will always be a part of their life...
On the other hand....what is happening is your entire world.....So--naturally, you imagine that it is yours, also....
What I am getting at is that they will receive the news....and they will have to process it (over time). They won't jump for joy, of course....but, I don't believe that they will just crumble and fall apart and never recover and accept that it has occurred.
It is you that is suffering the most. And, I suspect that, down deep, you harbor the fear that many of us parents have---that they will blame you and that they will not love you for it. (if they loved you when they were 6yrs. old, they will always love you).
Don't worry so much about if they love their father or not. It is better for them in the future if they don't hate him.
I would also bet everything that I have that you son knows more about his father's treatment of you than you think. Parents always....always...underestimate how much kids know about the relationships in their own home--environment.
I can give you my suggestions....so you can take what may fit...from someone who is on the outside!
I wouldn't tell them on the parent's weekend. I think it would be better at another time....all of you together in a private setting, of some kind.
I would suggest that you and your husband pre-discuss the announcement (if that is possible).
Keep it brief and to the point. The main task (for you two) is just to reveal the fact that the divorce is going to happen. You can't possible control or predict their immediate reactions....and you can't make it "all better".
Just listen to their reactions and know that their first reactions may not reveal all that they feel or know. Just listen.
You will have to have faith.....faith that, over time, if you keep the channels of communication open to them.....that they will ask questions and that, piece, by piece they will come to their understanding....
/at their ages...when they do come and ask you questions.....I would be honest...because the truth will come to the surface sooner or later. The truth from what your experiences were and your feelings, etc. No need to vilify their father....they will come to their own conclusions about him.
This will all take place over a long period of time....most likely, in bits and pieces...
It takes most people a long time to grow up...lol.
I offer all of this in the hopes that some of it might be of help to you....
dandylion
I would like to say a word to you about how young people are....people who are the age of your kids.....lol....I mean young adults.
The central focus of their lives is their immediate "now"....which primarily centers around the new life that they are already forming....centered on their social relationships and immediate wants and needs.
Of course they think about their parents and family....I don't mean to say that they don't. You will always be a part of their life...
On the other hand....what is happening is your entire world.....So--naturally, you imagine that it is yours, also....
What I am getting at is that they will receive the news....and they will have to process it (over time). They won't jump for joy, of course....but, I don't believe that they will just crumble and fall apart and never recover and accept that it has occurred.
It is you that is suffering the most. And, I suspect that, down deep, you harbor the fear that many of us parents have---that they will blame you and that they will not love you for it. (if they loved you when they were 6yrs. old, they will always love you).
Don't worry so much about if they love their father or not. It is better for them in the future if they don't hate him.
I would also bet everything that I have that you son knows more about his father's treatment of you than you think. Parents always....always...underestimate how much kids know about the relationships in their own home--environment.
I can give you my suggestions....so you can take what may fit...from someone who is on the outside!
I wouldn't tell them on the parent's weekend. I think it would be better at another time....all of you together in a private setting, of some kind.
I would suggest that you and your husband pre-discuss the announcement (if that is possible).
Keep it brief and to the point. The main task (for you two) is just to reveal the fact that the divorce is going to happen. You can't possible control or predict their immediate reactions....and you can't make it "all better".
Just listen to their reactions and know that their first reactions may not reveal all that they feel or know. Just listen.
You will have to have faith.....faith that, over time, if you keep the channels of communication open to them.....that they will ask questions and that, piece, by piece they will come to their understanding....
/at their ages...when they do come and ask you questions.....I would be honest...because the truth will come to the surface sooner or later. The truth from what your experiences were and your feelings, etc. No need to vilify their father....they will come to their own conclusions about him.
This will all take place over a long period of time....most likely, in bits and pieces...
It takes most people a long time to grow up...lol.
I offer all of this in the hopes that some of it might be of help to you....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
As far as when and where, the best place would be when your son comes home for break. I.E. at home as opposed to being at school. Let him react in more familiar territory. Not ideal for you, but what you're looking for - from the sound of it - is most ideal for him.
Doing things around the holidays are horrible, but a couple of weeks probably will not make a huge amount of difference, so to speak.
A perspective that may help you deal with how your son reacts is this - my sister had an AH and her kids blamed her for a lot, as well. It's because they knew, though, and expected more from her. They expected nothing from him. They knew there was no point in expressing their frustrations to him. As sad as it was, they did have more figured out than what they were given credit for.
Your son may have a similar mindset - or he may be able to relate more with his father because they likely are hovering around the same emotional maturity age. Right now it may make things a little harder for you, as the mother. However, your son will eventually surpase his father's emotional maturity. That will take time.
The best thing is to be objective, don't go into a story, and don't seek emotional appeal. Just let your son know, and leave the door open for him to ask the questions. Then prepare for his father letting him down because he will. Don't try to get him on your side, or make a division where he has to see sides. That notion will be there already, so there's no need to reinforce it. I'm not insinuating that you will try that, mind you, but alcoholics tend to kind of drag us to their level sometimes, and he may be on that level when you both sit down to talk to your son.
Write down what you want to say, try not to go off script, and don't react to anything your AH may say. Prepare for that, too.
How does your other kid feel in general? Would it be good to have them both present when this unfolds? I don't know the specific dynamics of your family, but perhaps cooler heads will prevail if everyone is present.
Doing things around the holidays are horrible, but a couple of weeks probably will not make a huge amount of difference, so to speak.
A perspective that may help you deal with how your son reacts is this - my sister had an AH and her kids blamed her for a lot, as well. It's because they knew, though, and expected more from her. They expected nothing from him. They knew there was no point in expressing their frustrations to him. As sad as it was, they did have more figured out than what they were given credit for.
Your son may have a similar mindset - or he may be able to relate more with his father because they likely are hovering around the same emotional maturity age. Right now it may make things a little harder for you, as the mother. However, your son will eventually surpase his father's emotional maturity. That will take time.
The best thing is to be objective, don't go into a story, and don't seek emotional appeal. Just let your son know, and leave the door open for him to ask the questions. Then prepare for his father letting him down because he will. Don't try to get him on your side, or make a division where he has to see sides. That notion will be there already, so there's no need to reinforce it. I'm not insinuating that you will try that, mind you, but alcoholics tend to kind of drag us to their level sometimes, and he may be on that level when you both sit down to talk to your son.
Write down what you want to say, try not to go off script, and don't react to anything your AH may say. Prepare for that, too.
How does your other kid feel in general? Would it be good to have them both present when this unfolds? I don't know the specific dynamics of your family, but perhaps cooler heads will prevail if everyone is present.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your children are young adults and i doubt the news of the separation will be that much of a surprise.....remember you don't have to get into the gory details, just that you have mutually decided to live apart. no blame, no finger pointing, just the facts. you need to demonstrate that you have faith in their ability to handle this news.....and then let them process in their own way at their own pace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
I know you are frustrated with your AH getting off "scott" free about the divorce. I know everyone says that the kids know. They really do. Go on the forum for adult children of alcoholics. Post the questions there and see if they were suprised.
I just want to tell you that after a year of my divorce (34 years together) my X keeps f'n up and the kids see it all the time. He wanted to go and party for fathers day weekend. He told my dd "can you take the bus home from college with all your stuff" and many more comments. He will dig himself in a deep hole, and let him. Don't support him and cover for him like you have in the past. My X's relationship with my 2 daughters is so strained, and he just doesn't know what to do. All I say is get out of his way and let him do his stuff.
Hugs my friend, it is over soon.
I know you are frustrated with your AH getting off "scott" free about the divorce. I know everyone says that the kids know. They really do. Go on the forum for adult children of alcoholics. Post the questions there and see if they were suprised.
I just want to tell you that after a year of my divorce (34 years together) my X keeps f'n up and the kids see it all the time. He wanted to go and party for fathers day weekend. He told my dd "can you take the bus home from college with all your stuff" and many more comments. He will dig himself in a deep hole, and let him. Don't support him and cover for him like you have in the past. My X's relationship with my 2 daughters is so strained, and he just doesn't know what to do. All I say is get out of his way and let him do his stuff.
Hugs my friend, it is over soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
If i could give you all just one enormous virtual hug!!!! Your words of support are a life saver. So we told my son today. Our marriage counselor had told my husband to write down what he wanted to say. Of course he totally made a mess of things when my son was on the phone. But basically he told him that we've been trying to work on the marriage but it isn't going well and he is going to move out temporarily. I could've killed him for saying that! Giving the kid false hope. And he said it two more times. Anyway, he said that we need to live separately to heal and this is what's best. I then said to my son do you have any questions. And he said "No, I gotta go". I asked a couple more times and got the same response. I told him I'm here if he needs me and he hung up.
Next weekend is parent's weekend. He texted my husband to cancel our hotel reservation and that he doesn't want us to come up that weekend or any other weekend. My husband asked him if he wanted to talk and he said no he'd call hi sister.
Meanwhile, I can't get through to her. She won't answer my calls or texts. Which is typical of her. I just hate for her to find out from my son.
Then, this was great. My daughter hasn't spoken to my husband in about 6 months. So I said I think I should call her and tell her. And he jumps up and starts screaming at me that I don't get to tell her (like this was a prize she was winning or something) and then goes on to say how rude and horrible she is for not taking his calls.
Well, that was it for me. I said to him your alcoholism has hurt everyone in this family: me, her and our son. She is hurting and needs to work through this how she needs to work through it and if that is cutting ties with you for a while then that's what she needs to do. But to be calling her names and saying she's rude shows me you are still blaming and finger pointing and still not taking responsibility for what you've done and until that happens you will never start healing. UGHHHHH.
So now I am trying to get in touch with my daughter, but no word yet. I am relieved though that we told my son. Now to give him some time to process and then will suggest, as some of you said, to offer him some resources that might be able to help him.
I did post on the ACoA website asking for advice from the other side, but nobody responded. It would've been interesting to hear.
However, my parents divorced when I was about 16. I don't remember it at all, I just remember turning into a rebel. My brother was at college and I asked him how my parents told him and what he remembered. He said they told him on the phone but were very vague and he wished that they had been more forethcoming with why. He said he spent the next 40 years of his life always wondering why and wishing they had just been honest. And not just bad mouthed each other. So I sort of knew what i WASN'T going to do.
I look forward to hopefully hearing my son's voice soon.
Next weekend is parent's weekend. He texted my husband to cancel our hotel reservation and that he doesn't want us to come up that weekend or any other weekend. My husband asked him if he wanted to talk and he said no he'd call hi sister.
Meanwhile, I can't get through to her. She won't answer my calls or texts. Which is typical of her. I just hate for her to find out from my son.
Then, this was great. My daughter hasn't spoken to my husband in about 6 months. So I said I think I should call her and tell her. And he jumps up and starts screaming at me that I don't get to tell her (like this was a prize she was winning or something) and then goes on to say how rude and horrible she is for not taking his calls.
Well, that was it for me. I said to him your alcoholism has hurt everyone in this family: me, her and our son. She is hurting and needs to work through this how she needs to work through it and if that is cutting ties with you for a while then that's what she needs to do. But to be calling her names and saying she's rude shows me you are still blaming and finger pointing and still not taking responsibility for what you've done and until that happens you will never start healing. UGHHHHH.
So now I am trying to get in touch with my daughter, but no word yet. I am relieved though that we told my son. Now to give him some time to process and then will suggest, as some of you said, to offer him some resources that might be able to help him.
I did post on the ACoA website asking for advice from the other side, but nobody responded. It would've been interesting to hear.
However, my parents divorced when I was about 16. I don't remember it at all, I just remember turning into a rebel. My brother was at college and I asked him how my parents told him and what he remembered. He said they told him on the phone but were very vague and he wished that they had been more forethcoming with why. He said he spent the next 40 years of his life always wondering why and wishing they had just been honest. And not just bad mouthed each other. So I sort of knew what i WASN'T going to do.
I look forward to hopefully hearing my son's voice soon.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amy.....I have noticed that siblings.....especially, those that are in the same general age group....are often more comfortable talking to each other abut heavy subjects than they are with adults (parents). They often gain comfort from each other. I think close sibling relationships are a blessing all through life.
This is a bit tangential (of me), but, have you ever asked her why she is neglent about phone calls? Is this a recent thing...or, has it been all her life?
Also, does she pay for her own phone and tuition, etc?
dandylion
This is a bit tangential (of me), but, have you ever asked her why she is neglent about phone calls? Is this a recent thing...or, has it been all her life?
Also, does she pay for her own phone and tuition, etc?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
I am sorry for what you had to do. I don't remember actually telling my kids. My kids pushed me to divorce as "dad" was never going to make me happy. Yep, drinking his life away is nothing that I choose to be a part of. Sorry!!!
Give them time. Send him a text or two in a week or so. Don't expect a response, but let him know you are thinking of him and love him. That's all he needs to hear. He is old enough and he will reach out when he needs money. My kids told me that every one of their friends parents were divorced, I think I had more pain then they did. Sad!!
But I do agree with Dandy that the siblings become closer. I know when XAH "couldn't" take my daughter back to school when she needed to get back, my oldest offered to drive her. So they work between each other and support each other, which siblings should during this shxtty time in their life.
You are entitled to a happy and have a healthy relationship. AH is incapable of that, so you are moving on. Let him do his stuff and see where it lands. You take care of your side of the street!!
Hugs to you my friend, I hope you get hold of your daughter.
I am sorry for what you had to do. I don't remember actually telling my kids. My kids pushed me to divorce as "dad" was never going to make me happy. Yep, drinking his life away is nothing that I choose to be a part of. Sorry!!!
Give them time. Send him a text or two in a week or so. Don't expect a response, but let him know you are thinking of him and love him. That's all he needs to hear. He is old enough and he will reach out when he needs money. My kids told me that every one of their friends parents were divorced, I think I had more pain then they did. Sad!!
But I do agree with Dandy that the siblings become closer. I know when XAH "couldn't" take my daughter back to school when she needed to get back, my oldest offered to drive her. So they work between each other and support each other, which siblings should during this shxtty time in their life.
You are entitled to a happy and have a healthy relationship. AH is incapable of that, so you are moving on. Let him do his stuff and see where it lands. You take care of your side of the street!!
Hugs to you my friend, I hope you get hold of your daughter.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi amy,
I was finding it really difficult to respond to your posts, simply because it was like reading my life. I was married for 27 years, but that is only because the divorce took almost 2 year. So I'll say I was married and living together a little over 25 yrs.
With your son, give him time, with your daughter give her time. I would suggest that you perhaps text your son and tell him that you love him and that you would really like to see him for that weekend, but it he says "no" don't push it. I would say right now, your son and your daughter are doing a lot of communicating between themselves. Just trying to deal with things. There are a lot of things that they will have to deal with. Things like, what about holidays, what about when I want to come home for a visit? What do I do? Where do I stay? Can any of the holidays be the same anymore? There are a lot of things that your children are talking about now, and they are really bonding now.
Your daughter, well, your son already talked to her, and that is probably why she is not answering the phone. Give her time also. Perhaps, you can just text her, tell her that you are here for her and when she wants to talk, you will always be there for her, and that you love her.
I don't know what else to say because I think I did it all wrong. I had to leave my house. I had a chance to run and I took it.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I was finding it really difficult to respond to your posts, simply because it was like reading my life. I was married for 27 years, but that is only because the divorce took almost 2 year. So I'll say I was married and living together a little over 25 yrs.
With your son, give him time, with your daughter give her time. I would suggest that you perhaps text your son and tell him that you love him and that you would really like to see him for that weekend, but it he says "no" don't push it. I would say right now, your son and your daughter are doing a lot of communicating between themselves. Just trying to deal with things. There are a lot of things that they will have to deal with. Things like, what about holidays, what about when I want to come home for a visit? What do I do? Where do I stay? Can any of the holidays be the same anymore? There are a lot of things that your children are talking about now, and they are really bonding now.
Your daughter, well, your son already talked to her, and that is probably why she is not answering the phone. Give her time also. Perhaps, you can just text her, tell her that you are here for her and when she wants to talk, you will always be there for her, and that you love her.
I don't know what else to say because I think I did it all wrong. I had to leave my house. I had a chance to run and I took it.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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