mcm19

Hello, this is my first post on this site. I have been lurking and reading for a while now but have to tell someone what just happened. I have no one in my life that would even understand or want to hear anymore about my loser xbf. I'm just proud of myself for trusting my gut and had to share it.

To make a long story short, AXBF has been trying hard this week to get me back even claiming to have rehab set up for tomorrow. I've been kind of debating and second-guessing if I should give him another chance and if he was really serious about recovery this time. Anyways, just a little bit ago, when he was supposedly at a meeting, I received a text with a picture of a bag (I assume of heroin) next to a quarter to judge size. Then a text along the lines of "yea they're pretty fat, not sure if they're worth $50, but you'll see."

My heart stopped. And even before I could really comprehend what just happened he's calling. He asked if I got the pic then launched into a whole explanation of finding it under his seat. He threw it away. He's trying to be open and honest with me so he thought he'd show me a pic so I'd believe him, blah blah blah.

BS. I'm not buying it. It doesn't make any sense. It was obviously sent to me by accident and he's trying to work his magic that has always worked so well in the past. Well, I know what happened. I know in my gut that wasn't meant for me. And for once, I don't feel the need to make him admit it to me. I am just done. Even if for some freak reason he's telling the truth, too bad. Boy that cried wolf. I can't do it anymore.

This is huge for me. I'm kinda proud of myself. I know it would seem insignificant to anyone who has never lived with an addict, and that's why I thought to share it on here with people who may understand.

Thanks for reading. Feels good to share that.

Mags1

Hi mcm, welcome to SR.

Well done for following your gut, we can so often bury our own feelings.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, mcm.

You will find lots of support and understanding here.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR MCM!

Listening to our gut is an important lesson. Learning to give yourself time to process things is important too! One does not have to act or decide immediately. You can say, I need to think about it. I dont have an answer right now... And then give yourself to mull over how you really feel! Your gut and your mind can lead you out of a lot of trouble if you listen and give the system time to message you!

You did really well!

JOIE12

I remember one of the times when I started 'fighting back'. Against the pain and the lies and the disappointments.

And you made me remember how happy I was to have stood my ground. I'm with you about the 'mistaken' message. No doubt.

it's a long road and I know you will make it girl ! We are worth so much more

Mountainmanbob

Welcome mcm19

Sounds like you have seen the light.
Hope to see you around here plenty.

Mountainmanbob

cynical one

Always trust what your eyes see and not just what your ears hear.

nowinsituation

What a great moment. When you finally trust your gut and stop believing the unbelievable. Be proud, be very proud! I understand completely... and know you are probably starting to doubt. Those thoughts that start coming in your head that try to tell you your gut is wrong. Don't listen to them. Keep that warm feeling you just gave yourself and enjoy your new found peace.

Vale

The day addicts stop lying to us will never happen.

(unless they die)

The day we stop lying to ourselves is a
great, Great,GREAT day.

We are so very privileged and honored
you chose to share your great triumph
of courage with us.

Listen up, lurkers........

this is what we humans call
GUTS.

irisgardens

You are awesome...you heard your own truth and it was truth!

Hang in as the doubts can come in...it takes time to practice trusting in your own truth and gut which is true.

You have support here...and formidable people who understand and fight the good fight as well.

Love and light,
Irisgardens

Fabat50

That's fantastic!

My therapist once said to me that once we reach the point of pure "indifference" towards the person who is hurting us (not hate, nor anger, nor worry, nor fear) only then we are really on the right path.

And your words show just that. You said you don't feel the need to get a confession out of him. You don't actually care if he is being honest or not. You are truly indifferent.

That's so POWERFUL for you. There's a whole world out their waiting for you. Go girl.. run with the Wind.. you are free!

hopeful4

Well done!

Seeing through the BS you get told is a huge step of admission for YOURSELF, and huge progress. I completely understand.

You deserve more. Move forward and be in charge of making YOU happy!

JD4320

Fantastic! Blatantly lying and using and manipulating. You did the right thing, and I'm sure you're thrilled with yourself. You should be, and sharing it is the right answer

Jorgenss

Sending you big hugs. It's going to hurt, but soon you will begin to feel better and better. I'm very proud of you, and you are in a good place.

mcm19

Thank you guys so much for the support. I have been working so hard on trusting myself because I have never been wrong about him using or lying in the past. The difference now is that I'm not trying to track him down and force him to talk since he'd hang up on me if I asked on the phone. He told me he's checking into detox tonight. I just said, "ok. Love you. Good luck." Like I've said for the past three nights since he apparently keeps getting turned away.

Haven't lost a wink of sleep over it. Trying my best to keep the routine my therapist and I have established to quiet my mind and stop worrying about him.

I did start to feel anxiety and the urge to begin the pattern of figuring out where he really was on Monday night. Instead, I tried to find a meeting. I've never been to one. The closest to me was a Nar-anon meeting. I made it to the parking lot. Cried. Then went home.

When I mentioned this to my therapist tonight she said I should go to al-anon instead because nar-anon is much more serious. I asked her to explain but still didn't really understand what she meant.

Are the two meeting that much different?

Firesong

This sounds sort of like what I once heard a minister say in a sermon. He is a good, intelligent, Godly guy, and he really taught me something. He said that hate is not the fierce, angry, aggressive feeling that a lot of people think it is. Hate is actually indifference towards a person. Total disregard for that person and their feelings. For myself, I think it is like the people who have money, nice houses, have never been on the streets or on drugs or anything, and can go home at night and totally forget all the people out there who have no home, no food, no job, and no money. Hate is the feeling "I couldn't care less what happens to those people."

But I think your therapist has a good point too. Once we get over feeling angry towards the person who hurt us, once we quit feeling hurt and angry and letting that person get to us, once we get to where we don't care about them, don't think about them, then we are making progress.