You couldn't write this stuff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 49
You couldn't write this stuff
So if anyone's read the posts I wrote about trying to get some advice on my alcoholic boyfriends situation, they'll know the background.
He's finally got the Librium now and I agreed to have him here at my house to supervise his detox (otherwise he would be on his own doing it). His flat is a sesspit - no heating and a bit flooded due to the toilet breaking when he fell on it.
So when he was here he needed to find out some specific insurance details of his online, so he logged into his email on my laptop.
After he got the details he just handed me back my laptop (I was doing work on there) and his email was still open.
Now this part is my bad and I shouldn't of checked, but I had been having doubts because when he was drunk the other day he was telling me if we were over he would go and find a woman ASAP and he would go online to look for someone new. Not very loving in my opinion considering I had been so good to him and taken care of him since he had his motorbike accident.
Anyway, I'm going off topic - so I look at the email and I see that he had emailed pictures of his exes to another email account of his. They weren't just 'couply' pictures, they were sexual ones too! (I now cannot unsee what I've seen!).
The date of the email was three months into our relationship, which doesn't seem long but when we have only been together six/seven months now, and he has spent SO many of those months being insecure about me for absolutely no reason, then it is unacceptable to me. He literally had me under a microscope.
I cannot believe him...
So I'm not sticking by him. The lies, manipulation, insecurity, self absorbedness and now this! It's all too much (no matter how lovely he seems inbetween all that).
Im going to have to break up with him at some point after he's through his withdrawal. Which will no doubt send him suicidal and into drink, but I can't be tied because of that.
Can any of the men on here shed some light as to why he would need to keep these pictures? They were of different exes - about 3 different ones. He had also emailed himself pictures of me and him (non sexual and sent separately to this email) a few months later. I saw it all in his sent box.
Above all, I'm really miffed because my ex before this, did very similar - which my boyfriend knows of.
He's finally got the Librium now and I agreed to have him here at my house to supervise his detox (otherwise he would be on his own doing it). His flat is a sesspit - no heating and a bit flooded due to the toilet breaking when he fell on it.
So when he was here he needed to find out some specific insurance details of his online, so he logged into his email on my laptop.
After he got the details he just handed me back my laptop (I was doing work on there) and his email was still open.
Now this part is my bad and I shouldn't of checked, but I had been having doubts because when he was drunk the other day he was telling me if we were over he would go and find a woman ASAP and he would go online to look for someone new. Not very loving in my opinion considering I had been so good to him and taken care of him since he had his motorbike accident.
Anyway, I'm going off topic - so I look at the email and I see that he had emailed pictures of his exes to another email account of his. They weren't just 'couply' pictures, they were sexual ones too! (I now cannot unsee what I've seen!).
The date of the email was three months into our relationship, which doesn't seem long but when we have only been together six/seven months now, and he has spent SO many of those months being insecure about me for absolutely no reason, then it is unacceptable to me. He literally had me under a microscope.
I cannot believe him...
So I'm not sticking by him. The lies, manipulation, insecurity, self absorbedness and now this! It's all too much (no matter how lovely he seems inbetween all that).
Im going to have to break up with him at some point after he's through his withdrawal. Which will no doubt send him suicidal and into drink, but I can't be tied because of that.
Can any of the men on here shed some light as to why he would need to keep these pictures? They were of different exes - about 3 different ones. He had also emailed himself pictures of me and him (non sexual and sent separately to this email) a few months later. I saw it all in his sent box.
Above all, I'm really miffed because my ex before this, did very similar - which my boyfriend knows of.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Tomandliv- I'm sure some men will chime in but I wanted you to know I have been through the same for 13 YEARS and regardless of his detox issues that leaves NO excuse for him to be contacting his Exes and the pictures.
I can tell you from my experience only ,,that it will get worse for ONLY you.
What you take into your eyes will stay in your mind.
I want to tell you to kick him out who cares about his situation he did it to himself. But I also know chances of that are going to be slim, so just please think what is best for you.
You are not his savor. If he can use an email he can take care of himself. Codies tend to think we are the only ones that can take care of someone and do it right but we are fooling ourselves and they are going along for the ride.
I can tell you from my experience only ,,that it will get worse for ONLY you.
What you take into your eyes will stay in your mind.
I want to tell you to kick him out who cares about his situation he did it to himself. But I also know chances of that are going to be slim, so just please think what is best for you.
You are not his savor. If he can use an email he can take care of himself. Codies tend to think we are the only ones that can take care of someone and do it right but we are fooling ourselves and they are going along for the ride.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
It's not just men that do this Tomandliv. I could have written a very similar story as your above and it would have been my ex drunk g/f that was doing it. And yeah we are never supposed to have access to ANYTHING. "Violation of my privacy" screams.
I found pictures, love letters, hook up meetings with strangers, etc etc etc., all privately done. They certainly aren't going to do it for us to openly discover.
I have a few events in my life that are seared in my memory of life events. Some of the things my ex did to me, will stay at the top of the list. And I have seen death, tragic injuries etc.
The lengths they go to, is remarkable.
I found pictures, love letters, hook up meetings with strangers, etc etc etc., all privately done. They certainly aren't going to do it for us to openly discover.
I have a few events in my life that are seared in my memory of life events. Some of the things my ex did to me, will stay at the top of the list. And I have seen death, tragic injuries etc.
The lengths they go to, is remarkable.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Not a man speaking up either, but I feel that if I kept pictures of exes (especially of a sexual nature) it would be due to unresolved feelings. Some men may just do it for the same aspect as they view porn.
However, alcoholics are different - as we all know. One thing I learned about an alcoholic ex is that they don't ever really have healthy break ups, and they don't tend to make clean cuts from exes. I mean, they don't really make clean cuts from anything and tend to do a lot of living in every timeline but the present.
It sounds like you've decided to separate from him at the very least, and that's your personal choice. You're the only one that knows what you are able to handle. To me, it felt like the key to dating an alcoholic, whether active or in recovery, was to be a compartmentalization expert. At some point you have to ask yourself if that is something you want to become, because it will also be something you'll have to untrain when pursuing either future relationships or starting over with the "recovered" alcoholic.
If you go through with leaving him, which is a pretty sane action relative to what you've likely had to go through, don't give it a second thought as to what his actions may be. Those are his actions. If he relapses, then you have to wonder if he was actually serious about quitting to begin with. Life doesn't pause because the alcoholic decides to become a decent person, nor should it.
However, alcoholics are different - as we all know. One thing I learned about an alcoholic ex is that they don't ever really have healthy break ups, and they don't tend to make clean cuts from exes. I mean, they don't really make clean cuts from anything and tend to do a lot of living in every timeline but the present.
It sounds like you've decided to separate from him at the very least, and that's your personal choice. You're the only one that knows what you are able to handle. To me, it felt like the key to dating an alcoholic, whether active or in recovery, was to be a compartmentalization expert. At some point you have to ask yourself if that is something you want to become, because it will also be something you'll have to untrain when pursuing either future relationships or starting over with the "recovered" alcoholic.
If you go through with leaving him, which is a pretty sane action relative to what you've likely had to go through, don't give it a second thought as to what his actions may be. Those are his actions. If he relapses, then you have to wonder if he was actually serious about quitting to begin with. Life doesn't pause because the alcoholic decides to become a decent person, nor should it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Any Red Green fans?
"I'm a man and I can change. If I have to. I guess"
lol sorry- I love that show.
I sure can't say for sure whats going thru his mind but it sounds like obsessing similar to some I've done, over gratification. I would expect the memory of the real experience, triggered by the pics, to be a stronger stimulus than simple porn because it wasn't imaginary- non-sexual pics possibly even being the teasers. The BB touches on it, the lines about "taking our ease" and gluttony short of ruin- so here, perhaps he is using the pics as porn; stimulating the memory of being gratified, addictive behavior in other areas but maybe not yet ruinous. This seems like a pattern, sadly he might have some pics of you that he will try to save.
He's the one with the bottle in his hand, his choice to drink when he has problems like a breakup- please dont take responsiblity or blame for <his> actions.
"I'm a man and I can change. If I have to. I guess"
lol sorry- I love that show.
I sure can't say for sure whats going thru his mind but it sounds like obsessing similar to some I've done, over gratification. I would expect the memory of the real experience, triggered by the pics, to be a stronger stimulus than simple porn because it wasn't imaginary- non-sexual pics possibly even being the teasers. The BB touches on it, the lines about "taking our ease" and gluttony short of ruin- so here, perhaps he is using the pics as porn; stimulating the memory of being gratified, addictive behavior in other areas but maybe not yet ruinous. This seems like a pattern, sadly he might have some pics of you that he will try to save.
He's the one with the bottle in his hand, his choice to drink when he has problems like a breakup- please dont take responsiblity or blame for <his> actions.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
I'm not a guy to chime in either. This is from my experience and my opinion. Let's just say his detox goes great and he gets on the path of recovery. Are you going to be able to trust him? Will you always wonder if he has these pictures and emails going on behind your back? And what else is there that you may not know about?
I don't mean to be negative about things, but sometimes there other issues that we attribute to alcohol that really have nothing to do with alcohol. Please don't ignore this other red flag. No one deserves to be with someone who is not faithful, whether it's physical, emotional, or mental.
If you are six or seven months in, get out now. You don't owe him anything, not even seeing him through detox.
I know that sounds harsh, but I speak as though I am talking to my younger self who doesn't know what I know now.
Best of luck.
I don't mean to be negative about things, but sometimes there other issues that we attribute to alcohol that really have nothing to do with alcohol. Please don't ignore this other red flag. No one deserves to be with someone who is not faithful, whether it's physical, emotional, or mental.
If you are six or seven months in, get out now. You don't owe him anything, not even seeing him through detox.
I know that sounds harsh, but I speak as though I am talking to my younger self who doesn't know what I know now.
Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I agree with pookie!!
I spent four too many years trying to fix someone and only ended up enabling their behavior. I wish I'd realized long, long before all this madness and Chaos. Not only that but the damage it has done to my mental health! I'm strong, independent and compassionate. But I've turned into the opposite after all the name calling, responsibility, let downs, etc.
I wish I could go back and tell my self that I can't fix him. You are good enough. Love yourself first. And leave while you don't have so much vested.
Please, please just walk away. It's not our place to fix them. You can't fix him!!
I spent four too many years trying to fix someone and only ended up enabling their behavior. I wish I'd realized long, long before all this madness and Chaos. Not only that but the damage it has done to my mental health! I'm strong, independent and compassionate. But I've turned into the opposite after all the name calling, responsibility, let downs, etc.
I wish I could go back and tell my self that I can't fix him. You are good enough. Love yourself first. And leave while you don't have so much vested.
Please, please just walk away. It's not our place to fix them. You can't fix him!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
You owe him nothing, not even to hold his hand thru withdrawal (you are being a far nicer person than I would be in that situation lol). And as for his reaction when you leave his sorry arse, that's his to have and shouldn't affect you. He messed up, he can take his lumps, you need to look after you
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
I'm male. I'm in long term recovery, and even when I was active in my addiction, this particular behavior baffles me. I could speculate a host of reasons regarding his motivations, but speculation is rarely constructive. I will, however, echo the previous statements...
He remains sick. Even after his detox, it is clear that he has many emotional hurdles to overcome. Even if he becomes sober and enters into proper recovery, this behavior is disturbing in it's blatant disregard for you and your supposed role in his life.
There's a lot of effort being put into keeping those things. I'm single, and my mind wanders to former girlfriends, sexual encounters and trysts occasionally, but nothing of this magnitude of effort to save and hide with a secondary dummy email. It's like bad spy stories from TV, and trying to sort out the motivation will likely make YOU insane, and leave you feeling lousy.
I highly recommend not worryig about the WHY and simply making sure you are prepared to make a clear, healthy break from him. He, in all honesty, probably isn't of sound enough mind to sort out why he's cheating (or attempting to cheat or whatever) or why he's holding on to old, smutty pictures of past relationships. If its both normal and sexual, the issues appear to go deep, and would take years to sort through.
As others have said, his recovery is his responsibility. Be true to yourself and what's healthy for you.
He remains sick. Even after his detox, it is clear that he has many emotional hurdles to overcome. Even if he becomes sober and enters into proper recovery, this behavior is disturbing in it's blatant disregard for you and your supposed role in his life.
There's a lot of effort being put into keeping those things. I'm single, and my mind wanders to former girlfriends, sexual encounters and trysts occasionally, but nothing of this magnitude of effort to save and hide with a secondary dummy email. It's like bad spy stories from TV, and trying to sort out the motivation will likely make YOU insane, and leave you feeling lousy.
I highly recommend not worryig about the WHY and simply making sure you are prepared to make a clear, healthy break from him. He, in all honesty, probably isn't of sound enough mind to sort out why he's cheating (or attempting to cheat or whatever) or why he's holding on to old, smutty pictures of past relationships. If its both normal and sexual, the issues appear to go deep, and would take years to sort through.
As others have said, his recovery is his responsibility. Be true to yourself and what's healthy for you.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It doesn't matter why he would keep them. It's just good info for you to have to make an appropriate decision for yourself.
Originally Posted by Tomandliv 
So if anyone's read the posts I wrote about trying to get some advice on my alcoholic boyfriends situation, they'll know the background.
He's finally got the Librium now and I agreed to have him here at my house to supervise his detox (otherwise he would be on his own doing it). His flat is a sesspit - no heating and a bit flooded due to the toilet breaking when he fell on it.
So when he was here he needed to find out some specific insurance details of his online, so he logged into his email on my laptop.
After he got the details he just handed me back my laptop (I was doing work on there) and his email was still open.
Now this part is my bad and I shouldn't of checked, but I had been having doubts because when he was drunk the other day he was telling me if we were over he would go and find a woman ASAP and he would go online to look for someone new. Not very loving in my opinion considering I had been so good to him and taken care of him since he had his motorbike accident.
Anyway, I'm going off topic - so I look at the email and I see that he had emailed pictures of his exes to another email account of his. They weren't just 'couply' pictures, they were sexual ones too! (I now cannot unsee what I've seen!).
The date of the email was three months into our relationship, which doesn't seem long but when we have only been together six/seven months now, and he has spent SO many of those months being insecure about me for absolutely no reason, then it is unacceptable to me. He literally had me under a microscope.
I cannot believe him...
So I'm not sticking by him. The lies, manipulation, insecurity, self absorbedness and now this! It's all too much (no matter how lovely he seems inbetween all that).
Im going to have to break up with him at some point after he's through his withdrawal. Which will no doubt send him suicidal and into drink, but I can't be tied because of that.
Can any of the men on here shed some light as to why he would need to keep these pictures? They were of different exes - about 3 different ones. He had also emailed himself pictures of me and him (non sexual and sent separately to this email) a few months later. I saw it all in his sent box.
Above all, I'm really miffed because my ex before this, did very similar - which my boyfriend knows of.
He's finally got the Librium now and I agreed to have him here at my house to supervise his detox (otherwise he would be on his own doing it). His flat is a sesspit - no heating and a bit flooded due to the toilet breaking when he fell on it.
So when he was here he needed to find out some specific insurance details of his online, so he logged into his email on my laptop.
After he got the details he just handed me back my laptop (I was doing work on there) and his email was still open.
Now this part is my bad and I shouldn't of checked, but I had been having doubts because when he was drunk the other day he was telling me if we were over he would go and find a woman ASAP and he would go online to look for someone new. Not very loving in my opinion considering I had been so good to him and taken care of him since he had his motorbike accident.
Anyway, I'm going off topic - so I look at the email and I see that he had emailed pictures of his exes to another email account of his. They weren't just 'couply' pictures, they were sexual ones too! (I now cannot unsee what I've seen!).
The date of the email was three months into our relationship, which doesn't seem long but when we have only been together six/seven months now, and he has spent SO many of those months being insecure about me for absolutely no reason, then it is unacceptable to me. He literally had me under a microscope.
I cannot believe him...
So I'm not sticking by him. The lies, manipulation, insecurity, self absorbedness and now this! It's all too much (no matter how lovely he seems inbetween all that).
Im going to have to break up with him at some point after he's through his withdrawal. Which will no doubt send him suicidal and into drink, but I can't be tied because of that.
Can any of the men on here shed some light as to why he would need to keep these pictures? They were of different exes - about 3 different ones. He had also emailed himself pictures of me and him (non sexual and sent separately to this email) a few months later. I saw it all in his sent box.
Above all, I'm really miffed because my ex before this, did very similar - which my boyfriend knows of.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
but when we have only been together six/seven months now,
The lies, manipulation, insecurity, self absorbedness and now this
You are only 7 -8 months into dating and all of this in that short period of time.
If your fear of leaving him is him self harming himself over it that he will self harm himself - you are not that powerful this relationship is not that powerful and that threat is pretty typical for all of them.
Any time anyone threatens to harm themselves call 911 and let the experts address that issue.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by Tomandliv
I see that he had emailed pictures of his exes to another email account of his. They weren't just 'couply' pictures, they were sexual ones too!...
The date of the email was three months into our relationship, which doesn't seem long but when we have only been together six/seven months now, and he has spent SO many of those months being insecure about me for absolutely no reason, then it is unacceptable to me. He literally had me under a microscope.
The date of the email was three months into our relationship, which doesn't seem long but when we have only been together six/seven months now, and he has spent SO many of those months being insecure about me for absolutely no reason, then it is unacceptable to me. He literally had me under a microscope.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
