kamm

So when I was drinking I basically avoided any and all confrontation. Even if it meant I let people walk all over me. This was true in both my professional and personal life.

Now that Ive been sober for a few months, I have really made an effort to identify what qualities I want to have as a person and what I want to change/grow from. Basically I am (at 28) figuring out who I am and what I stand for.

So long story short I had a confrontation at work today, not anything serious in the long run but a situation where a coworker wanted me to feel bad about myself, my actions and approached me in a very public and confrontational way.

Normally I would have backed down and said I was wrong and she was right just to make the situation go away.

Honestly this was the first time I dealt with something like this head on and with a clear mind and I am proud of myself professionally and personally for standing up for myself but... my whole body seemed to reject the confrontation. for example my arms, face and feet were tingling, my face was red, my blood pressure went up, and during and after the fact I felt nauseous. Is this normal with confrontation? Or is this just something specific to me that I'm going to have to learn to deal with?

Dee74

Hi Kamm

I'm not a great one for confrontation either, but that certainly sounds like the kind of things that happen to me physically.

I had to learn that confrontation was not the same as being aggressive. Assertiveness is not about being aggressive, or being passive - it's about stating our point of view clearly in a balanced and non judgmental way.

It's about standing behind our viewpoint, and having the self confidence in our self to do that.

but I think confrontation is also about listening to others - you have to know when to walk away and when to be open minded enough to change our viewpoint or seek compromise if we feel thats necessary.

It's not some talent that's foisted on some of us and not on others.

I think anyone can learn to be more assertive, more open minded and less passive or aggressive

Here are some brief introductions to assertiveness

http://psychcentral.com/lib/5-tips-t...assertiveness/
http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html

And this is basically an ebook - some great ideas in here
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/reso...cfm?Info_ID=51

D

Rio97

I was thinking about this sort of thing last night. The other person was likely used to your previous disposition and may have been trying to take advantage. You probably shocked them by confronting them. I think your physical reaction is normal. I would do some reading on ways to handle conflict, especially since work can be a tricky situation.

I can remember being in a job where it seemed I had to put up with all sorts of annoying bs from others. I couldn't wait to get out of there to go drink. But I say good on you for standing up for yourself.

Soberwolf

Awesome advice D

kamm

Thanks D. Being assertive is definitely something I am working on. Your links are great! Thank you for sharing. I really feel like I handled the situation as professionally as possible and am walking away with a clear conscience. I do find that the situation is still on mind hours later.

Thanks Rio. How frustrating it is to work with people who are emotionally draining. I'm glad you're out of that situation.

How do people thrive on confrontation? My husband is one of those people but to me it is completely exhausting. I wish I was better at it.

melki

I don't handle confrontation well either. At all. I always want to just wish it away, like wouldn't it be nicer if everyone would just do their job properly and not cause drama? But you're right, some people thrive on it. Like you, I find it draining. It's necessary to stand your ground in some situations, especially if confronted head-on. I'm happy for you that you did that. I think after becoming sober we're learning basic life skills, some parts of us which we never gave ourselves a chance to develop.

GnikNus

I'm glad this was brought up. I've found that dealing with conflict better has become an unexpected benefit of sobriety. Without alcohol I feel more comfortable and don't take things as personally. When conflict arises, I feel differently than I did in my drinking days.
I never knew how much drinking takes away from a person until I quit.

Anna

Yay for you!

I didn't always avoid confrontation in my drinking days, but when I was confronted, the level of my anger was too much for the situation. I had to find a middle of the road approach that was 'me'. I do think it will get a bit easier for you as time goes by and it will build your confidence as you stand up for yourself and what you believe.

Carver

Yep I'm the same, passive to a point and then aggressive.

Since getting sober though I'm slowly learning to be more assertive. Beating people up doesn't do you much good

JD

Hey Dee, thanks for the links. Good stuff there. Another positive of getting sober is you get to work on yourself and other issues you have. A real positive life long journey.

thomas11

I believe alcohol chips away at our confidence. As a result, we cower when confronted, even if we're right. Being sober and having a clean conscience allows us to confront issues head on. I stand up for myself much more now than when I was drinking. I agree very much with everything Dee said.