Ladyperris

Hello,
I am writing this post as my fiancé just entered rehab a week ago and I have been extremely worried ever since. My fiancé and I have been together four years and have hardly had a day apart in four years let alone gone without talking for an entire week. Prior to entering rehab we were extremely close and she continued reassuring me she was doing this not only for herself but for our future as well. In entering rehab we were on extremely good terms as far as having good communication and getting through this together. Currently she is in the "blackout period" and cannot have any contact with anyone outside of rehab for the first two weeks and after can have visits on either Saturday or Sunday if she is doing well in the program. However she did call me yesterday and seemed to be extremely distant although she expressed her dislike for the rehab being like jail, having to wake up at 5am every day and having lights out at 8 she did say that she is learning a lot about herself. Now this is when things got extremely weird as I was elated to talk to her but she didn't seem as though she cared much to talk. When asking her questions she was extremely cold and distant. It seemed like she was a completely different person (not that I expect her to be the same) it just has me thinking if this is taking place within just the first week how will she be 90 days into the program? It's very disheartening as I have been extremely worried about her and was so happy to finally hear her voice but it just sounded like she was calling out of obligation not because she wanted to. I guess I expected her to be emotional and miss me just as much as I miss her but the distance and nonchalant way she was talking tells me she doesn't feel the same. Has anyone else had a spouse in rehab and any tips as to why this could be or the stages their spouse went through emotionally while in rehab?

3rdxacharm

Is your fiance detoxing? My wife was the same way while she was going through detox. She sounded like she had been sedated for the first couple weeks. Get ready to be on an emotional roller coaster while she is there. I know I was. I hope things get better. Try to be patient (easier said than done, I know).

Ann

There is a good reason for this, the first two weeks are detox time and a time when the rehab establishes a routine geared to help the new resident, does a lot of personal counseling and when the resident needs to focus completely on their recovery without outside distractions. It's a healthy thing, it may save their lives.

That she called you anyway, broke the rules and disregarded the importance of the policy is more alarming to me than anything she said or didn't say to you.

Her life depends on her getting and keeping sobriety. What she learns in rehab needs to be strong enough to see her through rough days when she gets out.

Now would be a good time for you to find your own recovery, through meetings, counseling, coming here and taking time to find your own peace with all this. Two healthy people have a better chance at a relationship working than two sick people or one sick and one healthy.

I wish you both the best of luck with all this.

Hugs

JD4320

I agree with Ann here. If she called with a therapist, that's one thing. If she just called to talk or whatever she's not following the rules. Rehab doesn't work when patients don't think the rule apply to them. In situations like this in the future, I would recommend reinforcing the agreed-upon rules.

In the best possible case scenario, your fiance is going to be going through a LOT of emotions. She is going to be unstable, up and down quite a bit. You're going to need to spend some time with a counselor, with a support group, with this forum. Learn about what she is going through, and make sure to take care of yourself. The best thing you can possibly do at this point is to put your relationship and plans aside a bit, take the expectations out of it and let her do what she needs on her time. Take care of yourself in the meantime and let yourself do what you need to do.

Is this her first time in rehab?
~JD4320

JOIE12

my ex ABF tried detox twice. Each time he would call me first and would be angry and cold. The next day, same thing. Eventually, I didn't want to talk to him. He always stated that he didn't realize he had been that way when he called. Suboxone, Clonidine and a valium type medication. I felt that it may have been better for both of us if he called once or twice a week. Yes, it was a difficult time. I wish you peace during this separation. I enjoyed using it to distress and get back to taking care of the people and things that I missed.

nutmeg19

I have a spouse in rehab, but he's in a very strict and long-term rehab...their blackout is 9-12 months. I haven't seen or spoken with him in 4 months, so far. It's a pain like nothing I can explain. Maddening. I hate it. But I have no choice. And believe me, I go back and forth on this allllll the time.

On one hand, your fiancée is possibly detoxing...and that alone will cause them to be VERY uncomfortable (not just physically, but also mentally). The first month of rehab is the hardest, even beyond detoxing. It's a whole new world, a whole new way of living and thinking, a whole new planet, basically. They are learning things about themselves, their behaviors, their minds, and how to deal with themselves and the world around them. It is HARD work! It really is. For your fiancée to seem cold and distant is really actually common, given what she's going through.

Don't let it discourage you, but don't give yourself high expectations either...just be real about the situation and try to practice patience. Get some help for yourself in the meantime (Al-Anon, support groups, therapy, a new routine like going to the gym more or whatever, etc)...and try to calm your nerves when you get to speak with her. Be encouraging, but not preachy. Just be there for her and listen to her, try to understand where she's coming from and where she's headed.

The hardest lesson I have had to learn with my husband being away, is to just "let it be". Life happens, and we deal with whatever comes our way. We can't stop some things. Go with the flow or change what you can...but I have had to learn to let the nature of this situation just BE what it is. And that is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have wanted to run to the rehab, seek him out, tell him it's time for him to come home now, etc...I see our kids hurting and that's like daggers into my soul...I cry myself to sleep every night (EVERY night)...but I am also learning about myself, I know I'm stronger than I thought I was...and the idea that he is doing what he needs to better himself, makes me happy no matter what happens with us in the future. That is real love in the purest form. So I roll with that.

I wish I could take your pain away...but we grow from our pain. After a fire, there are shoots of green life that spring up from the ashes.