Ladyperris

Hello,
I am writing this post as my fiancé just entered rehab a week ago and I have been extremely worried ever since. My fiancé and I have been together four years and have hardly had a day apart in four years let alone gone without talking for an entire week. Prior to entering rehab we were extremely close and she continued reassuring me she was doing this not only for herself but for our future as well. In entering rehab we were on extremely good terms as far as having good communication and getting through this together. Currently she is in the "blackout period" and cannot have any contact with anyone outside of rehab for the first two weeks and after can have visits on either Saturday or Sunday if she is doing well in the program. However she did call me yesterday and seemed to be extremely distant although she expressed her dislike for the rehab being like jail, having to wake up at 5am every day and having lights out at 8 she did say that she is learning a lot about herself. Now this is when things got extremely weird as I was elated to talk to her but she didn't seem as though she cared much to talk. When asking her questions she was extremely cold and distant. It seemed like she was a completely different person (not that I expect her to be the same) it just has me thinking if this is taking place within just the first week how will she be 90 days into the program? It's very disheartening as I have been extremely worried about her and was so happy to finally hear her voice but it just sounded like she was calling out of obligation not because she wanted to. I guess I expected her to be emotional and miss me just as much as I miss her but the distance and nonchalant way she was talking tells me she doesn't feel the same. Has anyone else had a spouse in rehab and any tips as to why this could be or the stages their spouse went through emotionally while in rehab?

Refiner

Wow, congratulations at least yours went in for all the right reasons! What was your relationship like outside of her entering rehab?

Wasted17

My AHH completed a 30 day treatment program about 6 months ago. I think what your feeling is pretty normal. The first couple of weeks are tough and overwhelming for all. My AHH was also quiet and withdrawn on the phone. Treatment is alot of emotional work for an AH. They are getting the help they need if they are willing to accept it and work their program-trust that she is in good hands. My advise to you is try not to take things personally instead take this time to work on you and your program. Attend Alanon meetings, open AA meetings- educate yourself about this disease. Treatment is a great first step. Hugs*

Ladyperris

Thank you so much I guess I just feel lonely and abandoned at times. I feel like she's pushing me away most of the time. When talking to her on the phone the best way I can describe it is she sounded cold hearted. The best example would be when I answered the phone super excited even just to know she was okay having not talked to her her first words were "what up" which literally is NOT her at all. Over the course of the conversation she sounded kind of like a "gangster" saying things like "you miss me?" and I can't wait until this "sentence" is over like she was in jail or somethings which is not the type of person she is at all. When asking her if everything was okay or how things were going she would only respond "it's whatever" but nothing major...

Ladyperris

Things were okay not all good and not all bad. We've always love each other unconditionally but have had problems with infidelity with her drinking previously and just not really caring about anything other than our relationship and alcohol and sometimes not even our relationship. But I would say over the course of the last six months prior to her going to rehab things were good between us including our engagement just barely a month ago.

Ladyperris

The other thing I thought was super unusual was that next saturday is my actual birthday and her very first weekend she can have visitation which we knew before she entered and made plans to do so many activities on that day as we haven't seen each other but when I talked to her she asked what are you doing for your birthday? And I responded spending time with you of course it's your first visit day and she responded oh okay well we will see. Super unusual. In addition I am on her consent list for information to be released regarding how she's doing in the program and how I can help her but I've called and left messages with her counselor several times with no return phone call (this was prior to me talking to her). The receptionist at the facility told me their main focus is the client (which is understandable) but then she went on to say you may want to distance yourself as much as possible as we do not encourage relationships while in recovery not immediately after and we strongly suggest this to our clients and encourage them to distance themselves as much as possible due to relationships being the most common triggers.

redatlanta

Sorry you are going through all of this.

The advice you got from the receptionist is the advice you need to take - though I am sure that is not what you want to hear.

The focus in recovery is her sobriety - where you fit in that picture as far as her recovery for the next 30 days is concerned is nowhere. This is 100% about her. Her reaction to you is NOT unusual. An alcoholic goes through a period called a fog when they sober up. Their brain starts sparking back up, and they start looking and feeling the world through sober eyes. This can be a very shocking an uncomfortable time for many.

Right now your needs are more than she can probably handle. I know you feel lonely and abandoned, disappointed in her lack of excitement. Every cell in her body is fighting right now for alcohol. Most likely she does not have the energy to expend on comforting you or reassuring you, don't take it personally. Imagine her as someone who is sick with cancer, and going through chemo. We would all understand that person not feeling well or wanting company, but for some reason people think when someone goes to rehab they are feeling just fabulous!!! Not so.

My last bit of advice is to STOP calling and checking up on her progress. They aren't calling you back for a REASON. Sobriety is all about putting your "big girl" pants on and dealing with life on your own. This does not mean your relationship will not continue, it does mean if she grabs a hold of recovery that it will change. So what do you need to do?

You need to make some changes too. You most likely are a co-dependent enabler even if you don't think you are. I suggest you get to an Al Anon meeting and start working the step program. THAT would be the best thing you can do for your relationship, and for yourself. As far as your Birthday next week - I also suggest you follow her lead and DONT GO. Not what you want to hear I am sure. Please don't try typical codie tactics in trying to get her to agree for you to come (i.e. manipulate the conversation). I am positive AT THIS POINT if you go it will not be what you expect at all. You will most likely find a distant girl who is NOT jumping up and down to see you. Your nervousness over her lack of enthusiasm may end up in you questioning her about how she feels about you etc......NO don't go there. Its not personal, it really isn't. Let her get through the rehab, and then you can see and talk about your future. If she requests you come visit then that's different.

Stick around there is a lot of support here and a lot of people who have been through the same.

maia1234

I agree with red!! I don't mean to be mean, but this is about the addict trying to save their life.

Go on to the new to recovery forum on sr. Read the posts of the struggles the addicts face. I think you will understand a little more. Hugs my friend. This is also time for you to work your progam, and get healthier.

JD

One other thing to keep in mind, in rehab they often put you on medication the first week or two for withdrawal, librium or something like it. That will often leave you spacey and kind of out of it. That could be the issue too.

CodeJob

When my H called from rehab he was very short on the phone. We had one meaningful conversation regarding whether our son was old enough to participate in the family programming. It took a max of 4 minutes.

When I attended family programming, I saw the phone was in a hallway. There was ALWAYS someone on it. There was ALWAYS about 3-4 people waiting to use it all in earshot. He pointed at the scene and said, 'This is why I don't talk much. There is no privacy.'

Red is right on here. She gives very wise advice.

Refiner

I'd also suggest watching the movie When a Man Loves a Woman - typical story about a co-dependent man and his alcoholic wife that goes to rehab. And please don't rush your wedding date.

Ladyperris

Thank you all very much for this. This has definitely helped a lot!!!

AnvilheadII

she is what, one week into sobriety? i don't think you quite GET what that ordeal is like.......she's in a strange place, with strange rules, and strange people (herself included!) and separated from the one thing that made her feel NORMAL (booze) - she really can't be expected of much right now. be that making plans or holding conversations. and she definitely can't meet YOUR needs right now.

i always cringe a little when people say they have never spent a day apart....because when they do its like a toddler's first day at day care - being separated from the Mother Ship, the Source of All. try to see this time of separation as a good thing.....if you are to have a healthy sustainable relationship, you MUST be able to be apart for periods of time AND BE OK.