Relationship with AH....

Old 10-22-2015, 07:49 AM
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Relationship with AH....

One of my biggest questions is how do you "handle" a relationship with your AH.

Background--- He is in denial. He "isn't an alcoholic". Just likes beer, and will drink when he wants and no one will be telling him when and how! Mmmkay! :P
Violent anger outbursts, incredibly rude statements, verbal/emotional abuse... textbook stuff I suppose you could say.
Always, ALWAYS the victim. Poor me....
I started going to Al-Anon four weeks ago, I can only make it once a week right now---doing a newcomers group. I just found this site yesterday and wow, I am so thankful for it... there is so much great information here. I'm learning so much.

So... what I'm struggling with is that he is in great denial that there is any problem, and of course busily blaming the issues on me--which I know I play my part and I'm working on that. But he just expects business as normal and it leaves me feeling confused and crazy. I don't know how to "have" a relationship with this man as I feel like everything is broken and nothing has changed. I have lost my compassion, its been taken over my anger and resentment. I do NOT desire any intimacy with a person who can call me every name in the book, rip apart my self esteem and moments later, expect me to engage intimately with him.

Maybe someone has been in my situation and can offer some suggestions, words of wisdom? I am usually just left feeling completely confused and somewhat crazy!!

Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 10-22-2015, 07:55 AM
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I think you have to listen to that little voice inside you.

I would ask, why do you feel you deserve to be treated like this?

It may be too broken. Sounds really bad. If you don't want to be with him, is there a reason why you are with him? There is nothing you can do to change him. He does have a right to drink. You also have a right to not live with that.
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Old 10-22-2015, 08:04 AM
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You are right.... I feel like it usually takes someone else saying to me... UHM why are you putting up with this?! For me, I just feel like okay this is what I've been given, how do I deal. But maybe.... I don't deal, maybe I move on and leave all that toxic mess behind me.
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Old 10-22-2015, 08:09 AM
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You can't bring someone else out of denial. Even if you could, it would only be step one of an incredibly long series of steps of recovery, and even THEN, there would be no guarantees that anything would be different.

This is not "what you've been given". This situation is a result of a myriad of choices that have been made by you and your husband and it is not a "sentence." You have the right to pursue happiness. You will be disappointed if you expect someone else to make you happy.

If you are feeling confused (and who could blame you) you might investigate some ways you can get a little distance from the situation. It's hard to find clarity in the middle of a relationship and living situation with an addict. Time and space (even if it's temporary) can be your friends here while you work out what you want and how you might be able to get it.
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Old 10-22-2015, 05:19 PM
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I am in the same position as you. What exactly is the right thing to do? Do you just go about your life, living beside someone you have and want nothing to do with? Is it worth doing everything alone? Are you doing what you can to support them in a push towards recovery or are you enabling them? It goes on and on. And on. And onnnnnnnn.

But then it seems that we are the only ones that seem concerned with life, the dynamics of a relationship, etc.

I've dealt with it for a few years and I have to say that my anger and resentment replaced love and hope for some thing to change and it all go back to a time when drinking wasn't the problem. But after a court ordered year sober, I forgave, I never forgot, I tried to trust again. Then, right back off the wagon as though everything we'd worked on was nothing. How can I trust that won't happen again? I just don't think I can.

You can't tell me that when at home alone that you aren't at peace. No walking on eggshells. No vulgar/disrespectful comments. Peace. If you can realize he brings so much chaos, maybe you can be happier without it. Even if that means being alone. Why deal with it if you only get this one life?

I hope you find your peace. We are all trying, every day to find or keep it.
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Old 10-22-2015, 07:14 PM
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A- J,
I am sorry for you pain, it is not fun to love an addict. It is very painful and lonely. You have to understand that they are alcoholics and alcoholics drink. They aren't drinking at you, they just "want" to drink. The problem is, that they have programmed us to accept unacceptable behavior. Slowly over time we tolerate this crxp. We wake up one day and we are crazy, and they are the alcoholic.

So what can you do for YOU? Hit those alanon meetings. Try going to an open AA meeting, read the other forums on SR, new to recovery, and the alcohlism forum. Educate yourself about this disease. It is progressive and it will only get worse, so how much can you take? That is the million dollar question.

They say in alanon not to make any decisions for 6 months. Sit back, devise a plan on what you want to do. Set up some boundaries. Do NOT make any threats, unless you can follow through. Because I'm sure you have threatened and he laughs at you when you don't follow through.

Keep educating yourself and with you changing, maybe he will and maybe he won't. Hugs my friends, there is hope for both of you. Reach out if you have any questions. There are some amazing people on this forum!!
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Old 10-22-2015, 07:28 PM
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Great words above....nothing more to add! Peace to you-you will find so much strength, support, truth and encouragement here. Have a great night.
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Old 10-23-2015, 04:33 AM
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amartin this is yet another proof, if we needed it, that men and women think differently about sex; then add alcohol into the mix and you've not going to any common ground.

The one idea I had was to write a list of what he says to you and calls you when he's drunk. Just pick a sample. Then write down an explanation about how women need an emotional connection to enjoy sex. How being abused turns them off completely. When he's sober present him with the list and the explanation.

Some men aren't subtle and you have to spell it out very clearly.
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Old 10-23-2015, 04:39 AM
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I remember someone commenting on Oprah years ago. " Foreplay starts the minute you wake up. "

So true!!
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