cricket123

sorry it is long

xAH wanted to come over last weekend and move his stuff from the barn so I gave him the times I would be working so I did not have to be here. I put a thick wire around things I did not want him to take and just left it like that. Well he took wire cutters and cut the wire and took the tiller(his mom and step dad (If I go by that I will not have anything-overinvolved parents) gave it to us and I did not put it on the court list and neither did he so by default it is mine.)

Then he did not show up the next 2 days to get the junk(tools engines etc) out of the barn. Now he wants to come over this weekend to get it and my lawyer wants me here. I may have someone to come over here if his schedule permits but that may cause an issue(my daughters old softball coach - he does these sort of things.) so I may just call 911 and have a standby come over but both times my xah called them they wanted it to be quick and they do not want to keep coming out. (deep breath, sigh)

Well that is the frustrating part, I'm just ticked right now. Son talked to me about a week ago and told me Xah was going to cancel his insurance and he needed some insurance.

Back story - a year ago Xah gave son keys to my(without my knowledge but I was driving a different car at the time so ok) suv to drive and son one day got real nasty with me and I took the suv away and I drove him to school and told son he needed to find a ride home because I was working. Well son complained to XAH and Xah had 16 yr old son buy a blazer and Had it out with me on how awful a parent I am. He put the blazer in Sons name only.

Well since things are final I have gotten a call from my daughter saying he couldn't afford her insurance and she needed a car(away at college-Car was given to her by his family -very nice of them but again I had no say). I told her we will figure it out but I can not afford to insure her.

Well last week son talks to me about insurance and says dad can't afford it so I tell him I'll look around. Well because it is in his name only and is registered in his name and he is 17 he has sky high insurance, unless he puts the vehicle in a parents name and is just a driver on it then it becomes a little more affordable. But I still can not afford it and explained it to him, why it is high and that I cannot afford it.

Well son comes over tonight for dinner and brings up the insurance again. Says he is driving without insurance. Well I broke off my car and house away from Xah's insurance and because I am refinancing the house I did not move it so I can still see his insurance. (I am moving it as soon as I close next week.)

Son Has insurance. Xah is telling him he is driving without insurance and because of multi cars being insured it is a lot cheaper than what I was getting quotes for. Son got a little bit of an attitude and said he wanted insurance and we use to be able to afford it why not now.

XAH is not teaching him anything. I am not going to hand him money for insurance. He is working a job wants to be emancipated Son can pay for it.

aside that I am enjoying my piece, I get a little lonely but I am working a lot so I don't have time to brood.

Thoughts.

happybeingme

My thoughts are, your kids are spoiled entitled brats. You need to put your foot down and tell them the subject is closed.

And for God's sake get your ex's stuff packed up and out. Hire packers if you need to

cricket123

Happy being me

I spent a week getting things out of the shed and into the barn for him to collect and he wanted to go through the shed no problem I let him because I did not get to the loft area. Well he got ticked over whatever and called his lawyer in front of me. The whole time I said nothing well his lawyer emailed mine saying I'm not cooperating and leaving his stuff out in the elements and was on the back ground screaming at him. All untrue - that incident did something to me. I'm still processing it. I guess if he can't get his stuff this weekend I may hire movers just to be done with it.

dandylion

cricket......from what you have described....it seems that your major task (for yourself) will be setting boundaries with all the members. They will test you, for sure! They will continue to TRY to do what they have always done to you---because that is what they have learned and they believe that they CAN---and, it always worked in the past. They will stop it when they learn that it doesn't work, anymore. Actually, sometimes, it gets worse before it gets better.

The kids may be getting an education on the financial realities of the real world. There are many 16yr. olds who don't have a car (unless they pay for it).
Many people who go through college without a car (unless they get it for themselves). If I had ever asked my parents for a car....or , even the insurance---they would have thought that I was on drugs!...lol...they couldn't afford it, anyway....

I can remember a saying that my dad always used when someone was mad (because they didn't get their way)....it was--"they can stay mad until they get glad".....
And it is true---nobody stays "mad" continuously, and, forever/
sooner or later, they will find something to be glad about....
someone else"s anger does not represent a responsibility for you to make them happy!!!! Their reaction is their problem.....
Realizing this is a big part of learning to detach and set personal boundaries.....

dandylion

cricket123

I have no intention of paying insurance on either one of their cars but I would help them get insurance putting money that they give me on a policy. Loans, jobs etc. I figure I had no say in them getting a car why should I have to pay for it(cleaning up exs mess)

I know the ex is trying a different approach but my problem is I have an attitude toward that and I want to word things right. My counselor keeps telling me not to throw ex under the bus because then the kids would think he is right about me.

I almost threw him under the bus last night. I asked son how come his dad did not explain the high risk age to him I got a little bit of an attitude about that one, maybe that was a good sign. Dk

SparkleKitty

You weren't looking for an answer to that question (because why would your son know why his father did or didn't do something), you were "throwing him under the bus". You were implying that your son's problems are your ex's fault -- whether they are or not, whether your son sees that or not -- that is between your son and his father.

You can choose to stay engaged in the chaos of your ex's behavior or you can stay out of your ex's relationship with the kids and concentrate on building your own healthy relationship with them built on trust, boundaries, consistency, and not encouraging any more drama between anyone.

Lyssy

If they are old enough to drive - they are old enough to have the responsibility of maintaining the vehicles (including tires, oil changes, tag and safety inspections), getting insurance and buying their own gas. Privileges, in general, have responsibilities attached.

ESPECIALLY if there is attitude involved - lol.

I do not see it as throwing xah under the bus. I see it as your boundary and setting limits on what the children can "expect" from you. I think it was a legitimate statement.

Seems the kids may have taken a play from xah play book and xah is playing the disney dad part (i.e., I'll be the good guy and get you a vehicle - regardless of what else is involved and then make mom to be the bad person when she won't cooperate).

cricket123

Sparkle kitty
Yeah I did do that. Learning experience. Son was under the impression that he was driving around without insurance and wanted to know why his dad and I can't afford it now and why was his so expensive and he did not want to contribute to the payment because he never had to before. Spoiled right.

Lyssy

I think you nailed it. I guess the son is in for a dose of reality

I don't get why the ex keeps putting the kids in a spot like this, and I don't understand why my kids are blind to it and allow it.

SparkleKitty

I don't get it either, but it's up to them to deal with it. You will make it easier on yourself and them if you stay on your side of the street.

dandylion

cricket.....I DO understand it.....your husband is a self serving , immature alcolohic who doesn't care about anyone else.....
The kids are still young....and don't have the life experience and the objectively, to objectively evaluate what is going on.....plus the fact that kids are still somewhat self-focused ....because they are still developing.
In addition, they may have learned what they saw, growing up. If their dad disrespected you....that is the behavior that they have learned. They may have become somewhat entitled (spoiled)....because they were allowed to...

However, the kids are still developing and moving into the larger world....they will learn......and, they NEED to learn......

dandylion

theuncertainty

Can I just say: Because your XAH is acting like an a--? OK that doesn't help anything; just an opinion... Maybe he thinks it'll hurt you, he was magnanimous and got a car, and since he's saying he can't (ALSO) do the insurance, you'll have to be the bad guy and point out the realities of car ownership to DS. ("Haha, let Cricket deal with that s---. At least DS thinks I'm awesome because I bought the car.") Maybe XAH doesn't really understand the realities of car ownership himself. IDK. Ultimately, the why doesn't change that you have to deal with the fall-out.

Finances are typically something that aren't in the forefront of many teenagers' minds. And you know, kids and teenagers, they're still relatively NEW to this life/world. If you don't tell them, how are they supposed to know?

Your son's statement about you and his dad being able to afford it before kind of plays into that. They don't know what it takes to support a household, to take care of kids, get food, and pay bills. And if they're not used to thinking about those things, they certainly aren't likely to have a clue that things get tighter after a divorce. They won't realize that having 2 people pay on 2 separate households doesn't leave as much play in the budget as 2 people sharing costs on 1 household.

DD and DS being surprised is kind of understandable you look at it from that perspective; it often is somewhat of a surprise to realize that a privilege also carries some responsibility.

Now, the attitude in which they approach and handle that surprise... wishing you luck and patience.