Future-tripping ... just a codie vent
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
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Future-tripping ... just a codie vent
AH is just shy of a week into another attempt to get sober, and we have a date night planned this weekend. Kids have a really cool Halloween themed PNO party - I went ahead and booked it, reasoning that I could always take myself out if he was still actively drinking ...
Now, I have a nagging fear that if we include a meal out in our plans, he will drink. OMG! Can I not just relax and enjoy where I am!?!
Vent over
Now, I have a nagging fear that if we include a meal out in our plans, he will drink. OMG! Can I not just relax and enjoy where I am!?!
Vent over
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
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Well the proverbial s@!& hit the fan. He hasn't drank (that I know) but wow! I got accused of cheating and called a **** (never once have i in all our years together btw) because I wore a skirt and knee high boots to work today. If I wasn't being slutty I wouldn't have needed to change out of my skirt before taking the kids to an elementary school craft fair this evening don't you know!?!
The accusations and name calling were getting regular when he was drinking his worst last year but had stopped for almost a year so this really threw me. I haven't slept yet and will miss my exercise class in the am.
I'm thinking of cancelling our plans Sat and telling him I would rather be alone. How can I be sure of my motive in doing so? I really don't want to go now truly but I also am so hurt and angry right now.....
(Sorry this is sloppy - I'm on my tablet and very tired lol!)
The accusations and name calling were getting regular when he was drinking his worst last year but had stopped for almost a year so this really threw me. I haven't slept yet and will miss my exercise class in the am.
I'm thinking of cancelling our plans Sat and telling him I would rather be alone. How can I be sure of my motive in doing so? I really don't want to go now truly but I also am so hurt and angry right now.....
(Sorry this is sloppy - I'm on my tablet and very tired lol!)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Maybe he has drank? I hope you didn't try to defend yourself because his accusations are so pathetic. He needs to keep out of your personal choices about how you dress because it's not his business.
See if he apologises maybe before you go out to dinner? You were saying in the OP that you thought he might drink at dinner. If that's the case he's not seeing sobriety as a life-long condition but something you can drop in and out of as it suits.
I doesn't work that way. If I were to have a drink with dinner, I might stick to just the one, but then another next time I'm out to dinner and then the cravings would start. The only hope most As have is not to drink at all because we slip back into the habit like an old pair of slippers.
See if he apologises maybe before you go out to dinner? You were saying in the OP that you thought he might drink at dinner. If that's the case he's not seeing sobriety as a life-long condition but something you can drop in and out of as it suits.
I doesn't work that way. If I were to have a drink with dinner, I might stick to just the one, but then another next time I'm out to dinner and then the cravings would start. The only hope most As have is not to drink at all because we slip back into the habit like an old pair of slippers.
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Whereismyunicorn......I say that if your don't want to go...don't go.
In my opinion, you have a right to be angry and hurt.
I'm guessing that you may not have thought of it in this way, before....but, this amounts to abuse....verbal abuse......and verbal abuse is abusive. It has mental and emotional repercussions for you!
Detachment is a great tool....it can give you emotional space....away from needless arguments, etc. by not engaging. Space to clear your head and devote some attention on yourself. But, it is not a cureall. It won't stop an alcoholic from drinking or stop abuse or cure a marriage. You can't build a whole house with just a hammer.....
In fact, it is advised that alanon (some advised actions) may make the situation worse in situations of abuse. (not a criticism of alanon---but, a comment o n the nature of abuse).
I am of the opinion of do what you want to do....whatever is the most comfortable for you and in your own best interest.
You have to make the boundaries for yourself---of what you will allow or tolerate or live with.... Nobody can make them b ut yourself.
What he is doing is known, in theories of relationships. as one of the "Horses of the Apocolypse (sp?).". It might make an interesting google search for you.
Grottman is the credited with the theory.
It is my opinion that unwarranted jealousy is a green-eyed monster and signals some not so pretty underlying issues.
I can understand how shaken you might be feeling, right now.....
Don't panic....but, do some serious thinking......
dandylion
In my opinion, you have a right to be angry and hurt.
I'm guessing that you may not have thought of it in this way, before....but, this amounts to abuse....verbal abuse......and verbal abuse is abusive. It has mental and emotional repercussions for you!
Detachment is a great tool....it can give you emotional space....away from needless arguments, etc. by not engaging. Space to clear your head and devote some attention on yourself. But, it is not a cureall. It won't stop an alcoholic from drinking or stop abuse or cure a marriage. You can't build a whole house with just a hammer.....
In fact, it is advised that alanon (some advised actions) may make the situation worse in situations of abuse. (not a criticism of alanon---but, a comment o n the nature of abuse).
I am of the opinion of do what you want to do....whatever is the most comfortable for you and in your own best interest.
You have to make the boundaries for yourself---of what you will allow or tolerate or live with.... Nobody can make them b ut yourself.
What he is doing is known, in theories of relationships. as one of the "Horses of the Apocolypse (sp?).". It might make an interesting google search for you.
Grottman is the credited with the theory.
It is my opinion that unwarranted jealousy is a green-eyed monster and signals some not so pretty underlying issues.
I can understand how shaken you might be feeling, right now.....
Don't panic....but, do some serious thinking......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
Thank you, everyone! As I said, I just am not sure of my motives in anything right now - I guess that's ok for right now though. I think I will give it tonight to see if he says anything about it and decide based on that. He claims he went to a late-night AA meeting when he left last night, and there is one I'm aware of ... who knows if he has drank or not ...
I did, unfortunately, engage him for a few minutes when it began. He pushed a hot button for me as I've been feeling he was avoiding intimacy, and he played that victim card. However, I was able to let it go with a succinct statement and disengage. I am giving myself credit for some progress. Now, if only I could detach to the point I don't lose sleep when I get upset.
The bottom line is that I told him when we had our "come to Jesus" issue(s) last year, I told him I would not put up with the anger and accusations anymore. I don't want to put an ultimatum out there as I've promised myself I would re-evaluate where we both were individually and together after the first of the year, but I am going to tell him that if he starts with the insults/name-calling again, he will have to leave for the night. (BTW - I did exercise at home and make him keep his promise to take the kids to school even though I was home all morning. For anyone who knows me, this is a major thing for me to not just take over lol!)
Dandylion - I read just the home page of the Grottman website and we have all of these issues! Yay! :/ I've suggested counseling in the past, but I really don't think it will be fruitful unless the alcohol issue is under control.
I did, unfortunately, engage him for a few minutes when it began. He pushed a hot button for me as I've been feeling he was avoiding intimacy, and he played that victim card. However, I was able to let it go with a succinct statement and disengage. I am giving myself credit for some progress. Now, if only I could detach to the point I don't lose sleep when I get upset.
The bottom line is that I told him when we had our "come to Jesus" issue(s) last year, I told him I would not put up with the anger and accusations anymore. I don't want to put an ultimatum out there as I've promised myself I would re-evaluate where we both were individually and together after the first of the year, but I am going to tell him that if he starts with the insults/name-calling again, he will have to leave for the night. (BTW - I did exercise at home and make him keep his promise to take the kids to school even though I was home all morning. For anyone who knows me, this is a major thing for me to not just take over lol!)
Dandylion - I read just the home page of the Grottman website and we have all of these issues! Yay! :/ I've suggested counseling in the past, but I really don't think it will be fruitful unless the alcohol issue is under control.
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