A Brewery Tour

Old 10-21-2015, 11:17 AM
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A Brewery Tour

I rarely post, but I read here often. I need your collective wisdom and advice. Should I or shouldn’t I be concerned?

My husband (9 months sober) went away with an old college friend this past weekend. I decided to take my children on a little adventure of our own and was a little taken aback when I got a text from him “We just finished a brewery tour”. I didn’t want to have a volley of potentially heated text messages so I only typed back “ok” and decided to wait until I returned home.

So, he went on the brewery tour and taste tested a couple of beers (small cups according to him). He didn’t think much of it. He felt in control. No urges. I told him he shouldn’t have been there. He put himself in a place where he would be tempted. Who wouldn’t sample the beers? Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for the conversation to turn to deflection, rationalization and blame shifting. *sigh*

In addition, a month ago, he decided to discontinue with AA. No more sponsor, 12 steps or meetings. The 12 steps didn’t resonate with him. His AA attendance was sketchy and inconsistent anyway. Usually, one meeting every one to two weeks. He will continue with weekly individual therapy though. His therapist is in agreement with his AA decision.

A moderate drinker most of his life, his consumption significantly increased a couple of years ago which ultimately led him down a dark 8-month path of binge drinking episodes complete with a handful of blackouts. In his case, alcoholism is a symptom of other issues. No more alcohol, but the other issues remain and need to be addressed. I don’t want the alcohol to come back.

I guess I would have thought: (1) he would have been more forthcoming with an apology instead of engage in deflection, rationalization and blame shifting; and (2) he would have been inclined to take a look at his recovery program and shore up any cracks and crevices.

I would appreciate your thoughts. Should I be concerned? Or let it go?
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Old 10-21-2015, 11:37 AM
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Worrying won't get you anywhere.

I told him he shouldn’t have been there. He put himself in a place where he would be tempted. Who wouldn’t sample the beers? Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for the conversation to turn to deflection, rationalization and blame shifting. *sigh*
You told him he made a poor choice when he didn't think he did. The deflection and blame shifting might be his other issues shining through, and the rationalization is him defending his choice to him and to you.

I guess I would have thought: (1) he would have been more forthcoming with an apology instead of engage in deflection, rationalization and blame shifting;
He didn't do this to you. I know it feels that way... He probably can't even apologize to himself right now - he just isn't in that place.

(2) he would have been inclined to take a look at his recovery program and shore up any cracks and crevices.
Oh man - if only they could see...

He just isn't there yet. He is not 100% committed to recovery.

That doesn't mean he is going to go back to the dark place - he might. He might not. Some people are successful with counseling alone.

Either way - I recommend you let it go. It isn't yours to manage. You will spare yourself some stress if you give it to him - it is his alone.

What can you do to beef up your self care - whether or not he relapses?

Sending you guys the best.
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Old 10-21-2015, 11:47 AM
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Well, this falls solidly under "Things I can't Control" so yeah, I'd work on letting it go & not future tripping over it.

Sounds like a relapse in my *personal* opinion. The speed of the cycle (a few sips to a few drinks to a few nights' drinking to a binge to a blackout to...) is up to him. Or not. Maybe he'll be resolute in his recommitment to sobriety & beat the odds. May not matter if the underlying issues don't get addressed anyway, right?

But yeah, I'd consider that a lot of red flags flying if it were me & continue on with that in mind. Whatever that means to you - continuing financial protection, Plan B's, emotional preparedness. Just because he relapses doesn't mean that YOU have to.... why waste the energy, lol?
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Old 10-21-2015, 12:11 PM
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I appreciate your responses. Wonderful advice. I gotcha. Continue to focus on me and my recovery.

By the way, he did eventually apologize. A day later. Better late than never.
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Old 10-21-2015, 01:36 PM
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Hey that's a start - my XABF never apologized for anything but ridiculous things that were completely out of his control.

' I'm sorry the weather wasn't nice for our camping trip last weekend', NOT "I'm sorry I was out of my drunken mind ranting last night about something you did 4 years ago."

SMDH
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Old 10-21-2015, 03:31 PM
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Sounds like he is well on his way to a total melt down. As others have said his recovery is his recovery. Take care of yourself and hope he finds his way.
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Old 10-21-2015, 04:18 PM
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holdonloosely.......it sounds like he is white knuckling it for the most part. White knuckling can last for a while, sometimes.....but, eventually that alcohol voice that whispers in the ear at all times for the alcoholic....takes over.
recovery is not usually a straight line. It can take a while for the alcoholic to truly accept that they are powerless over the alcohol.....denial is powerful and the fear of never having another drink is also very powerful.

Anything you say will not be received well, by him. You are the enemy, right now. Anyone and anything that comes between the alcoholic and their ability to drink in comfort is viewed as the enemy.

He is going to do what he is going to do. You have no control over that. Actually, he doesn't have control over himself, right now....the alcoholism does. He will have to come to that conclusion himself, by suffering his own consequences.

You have the right to protect yourself by setting your own boundaries of what you will accept and live with. You get to control your side of the street while he deals with his side.

I understand how upset and disappointed you must feel......
He just doesn't get it......

try to detach....detach....detach.....

dandylion
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Old 10-22-2015, 06:37 AM
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Please don't take this as scolding you, because it isn't.

First, that word detach you learned about and heard about from Dandylion above, is where you should be now at this after 8 + months. If these things bother you, it will only get worse as he progresses.

Second, if I remember correctly you had placed a boundary on him of no alcohol. Is that right? If so, welcome to them pushing your resolve about boundaries. What is his consequence by crossing it? If nothing, then expect it to be crossed again. He tested the waters and so far they are calm. He will be swimming in no time.

I don't consider it a relapse if the above story is all that is going on. He told you about it when it happened, and has apologized. I think he fell off the wagon maybe but not a relapse......YET.

As to his choice of recovery paths, I am not going to make a big deal out of him not going to AA. It doesn't work for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. As long as he is on a positive path it doesn't matter how he gets there. Individual counseling is a very sound approach.
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