Loving an addict
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Loving an addict
Loving an addict becomes one of the hardest things to do ... their denial runs deep to the core. Eventually you are left with no other alternative then to Let Go and Let God...
You cannot compete with addiction ... there is no competition ... It will win every time.
Lets see if this sounds familar:
Senario:
He comes in the front door ... You turn and look at him ... as soon as you lay eyes on him you can see that he is high ... you can tell he has been using ... and then you say to him "your high" He looks at you and says, No I'm not ... You say, bulls***, yes you are ... He looks right back at you through dilated pupils and lie's right to your face. You get angry with him for blatently lying (insulting your intelligence) and out of frustration you start yelling, even screaming at him and the fight is on .... only to feel guilty later on for yelling, screaming, fighting with him... you might even begin to blame yourself that he gets high ... I mean why wouldn't he get high ... right? After all he is with a yelling, screaming maniac ... that would make anyone want to use ... right? ... Wrong, but it will be a good enough excuse for him to blame you for his using ... and blame you he will ... you and everybody, anybody, everything, any thing he can think of ... Addicts are skilled in manipulation and have a way of turning and twisting things around making it your fault not theirs ... after all as long as he can blame someone, something else ... then he doesn't have to take responciblity for his own actions and grow up.
This becomes a pattern in the relationship of enabler (you) addict (him/her) He walks in high as a kite ... you feel hurt, anger, resentful and break into a rage attack ... or your burst into tears and ask how could you do this again ... you promised me ... you promised us ... you promised God
He responds either by hanging his head in shame and give you the ole I know, I am sorry .. I fked up again speech or he responds to your anger by flipping out and raging back at you and you find yourself in a screaming marathon until he finally uses the fight as a reason to split ... then your left sitting there with your hands covering over your eyes .. crying your head off ... or picking up the phone and ragging about him to a friend or family member for hours ... or you sit there alone with your thoughts ... thinking if only I had done this or not done that ... maybe he wouldn't have left ... or if only I was a better person, prettier, sexier, nicer he wouldn't treat me this way ... if only .. if only ... if only ... and now you are guilt-tripping yourself for his insanity ...
This cycle repeats itself over and over and over again ...
A lot of baffled, tearful people ask, What can I do to make him/her stop? How can I help my loved one???
The best advise I can give you is to tell you to help yourself ... and let God worry about the addict ...
You must learn to take care of you..
How you ask? ... by realizing he is an addict and there is nothing you can say or do to cause him to use ... there is nothing you can say or do to control his using and there is nothing you can say or do to cure his addiction, but you can begin to take control over how you act, react or respond to his addiction and all the insanity that comes with it.
You must take care of you ... you must get your head on straight and think what you need to do to take care of yourself ... how can you make your life better ... Do you need to leave him for a while to get your head cleared out enough to think rationally?? If so, then do it ... his addiction will still be there when you get back .. It's not going anywhere soon ... however, it will get worse and he will get worse ... as long as he continues to use then things will only get worse.
Now that you know that you cannot do anything to cause, cure or control his addiction then you know that you must take action to make your life best for you and your children (if you have kids).
Take a time out from the situation ... if thats what you need to begin to think rationally ... and rational thoughts come hard when you've had your brain fked by an addict ...
Once you've gotten some fresh air and have had some time to think about a plan of action whether it be to leave him or to stay with him ... follow through ...
No more idle threats, no more yelling, screaming, raging ... (as hard as it will be) but no more pointing out that he is high again .. He knows he's high ... but he will only deny it to you ...
If he gets into trouble ... don't rescue him out .. start letting him be responcible for his own actions ... its called consequence ... if he gets fired from his job for being late to work or not showing up because of his addiction ... then it is a consequence of his drug use ... if you can't take it no more and leave ... then it is a consequence of his addiction ... if he goes to jail because of possession of drugs ... don't bail him out ... it is a consequence of his addiction ... don't go see him in jail ... let him sit there and think about where his addiction is taking him ... before you paid all the consequences for his addiction ... start letting him pay them himself and maybe ... just maybe this will be the kick in the ass that he needs to get clean ...
Don't be the pillow under his a$$ no more ... let him fall on his butt and feel the pain of it himself after all (it is a consequence of his addiction that caused him to fall on his ass in the first place)... and do yourself another big favor ... don't believe his lies any more ... he's a addict in denial he can't even be honest with himself much less to you ...
Where the addict is concern ... Learn to expect the unexpected
Turn all the expectations you had for your addict around ...
Example:
You've expected him to keep his promise and not get high anymore ... EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED
You've expected that after the last talk he would come right home from work and spend the evening with you and the kids (EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED)
You've expected that he was going to stop hanging with his other drug addicted friends (EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED).
Whatever you were expecting ... stop expecting it ... and expect ... the unexpected.
Whatever rational things you've expected to come out of all the yelling, screaming, crying, begging, pleading that you've done ... Learn to expect the unexpected and you may even be able to lay down and get some sleep tonight (instead of sitting up thinking he'll be home in an hour, hour turns to hours, and some to days and days to weeks and weeks to months ... You get the picture of what I'm saying ... I'm sure ... and you can bet when he does stroll in he'll bring his addiction with him.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Passion
You cannot compete with addiction ... there is no competition ... It will win every time.
Lets see if this sounds familar:
Senario:
He comes in the front door ... You turn and look at him ... as soon as you lay eyes on him you can see that he is high ... you can tell he has been using ... and then you say to him "your high" He looks at you and says, No I'm not ... You say, bulls***, yes you are ... He looks right back at you through dilated pupils and lie's right to your face. You get angry with him for blatently lying (insulting your intelligence) and out of frustration you start yelling, even screaming at him and the fight is on .... only to feel guilty later on for yelling, screaming, fighting with him... you might even begin to blame yourself that he gets high ... I mean why wouldn't he get high ... right? After all he is with a yelling, screaming maniac ... that would make anyone want to use ... right? ... Wrong, but it will be a good enough excuse for him to blame you for his using ... and blame you he will ... you and everybody, anybody, everything, any thing he can think of ... Addicts are skilled in manipulation and have a way of turning and twisting things around making it your fault not theirs ... after all as long as he can blame someone, something else ... then he doesn't have to take responciblity for his own actions and grow up.
This becomes a pattern in the relationship of enabler (you) addict (him/her) He walks in high as a kite ... you feel hurt, anger, resentful and break into a rage attack ... or your burst into tears and ask how could you do this again ... you promised me ... you promised us ... you promised God
He responds either by hanging his head in shame and give you the ole I know, I am sorry .. I fked up again speech or he responds to your anger by flipping out and raging back at you and you find yourself in a screaming marathon until he finally uses the fight as a reason to split ... then your left sitting there with your hands covering over your eyes .. crying your head off ... or picking up the phone and ragging about him to a friend or family member for hours ... or you sit there alone with your thoughts ... thinking if only I had done this or not done that ... maybe he wouldn't have left ... or if only I was a better person, prettier, sexier, nicer he wouldn't treat me this way ... if only .. if only ... if only ... and now you are guilt-tripping yourself for his insanity ...
This cycle repeats itself over and over and over again ...
A lot of baffled, tearful people ask, What can I do to make him/her stop? How can I help my loved one???
The best advise I can give you is to tell you to help yourself ... and let God worry about the addict ...
You must learn to take care of you..
How you ask? ... by realizing he is an addict and there is nothing you can say or do to cause him to use ... there is nothing you can say or do to control his using and there is nothing you can say or do to cure his addiction, but you can begin to take control over how you act, react or respond to his addiction and all the insanity that comes with it.
You must take care of you ... you must get your head on straight and think what you need to do to take care of yourself ... how can you make your life better ... Do you need to leave him for a while to get your head cleared out enough to think rationally?? If so, then do it ... his addiction will still be there when you get back .. It's not going anywhere soon ... however, it will get worse and he will get worse ... as long as he continues to use then things will only get worse.
Now that you know that you cannot do anything to cause, cure or control his addiction then you know that you must take action to make your life best for you and your children (if you have kids).
Take a time out from the situation ... if thats what you need to begin to think rationally ... and rational thoughts come hard when you've had your brain fked by an addict ...
Once you've gotten some fresh air and have had some time to think about a plan of action whether it be to leave him or to stay with him ... follow through ...
No more idle threats, no more yelling, screaming, raging ... (as hard as it will be) but no more pointing out that he is high again .. He knows he's high ... but he will only deny it to you ...
If he gets into trouble ... don't rescue him out .. start letting him be responcible for his own actions ... its called consequence ... if he gets fired from his job for being late to work or not showing up because of his addiction ... then it is a consequence of his drug use ... if you can't take it no more and leave ... then it is a consequence of his addiction ... if he goes to jail because of possession of drugs ... don't bail him out ... it is a consequence of his addiction ... don't go see him in jail ... let him sit there and think about where his addiction is taking him ... before you paid all the consequences for his addiction ... start letting him pay them himself and maybe ... just maybe this will be the kick in the ass that he needs to get clean ...
Don't be the pillow under his a$$ no more ... let him fall on his butt and feel the pain of it himself after all (it is a consequence of his addiction that caused him to fall on his ass in the first place)... and do yourself another big favor ... don't believe his lies any more ... he's a addict in denial he can't even be honest with himself much less to you ...
Where the addict is concern ... Learn to expect the unexpected
Turn all the expectations you had for your addict around ...
Example:
You've expected him to keep his promise and not get high anymore ... EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED
You've expected that after the last talk he would come right home from work and spend the evening with you and the kids (EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED)
You've expected that he was going to stop hanging with his other drug addicted friends (EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED).
Whatever you were expecting ... stop expecting it ... and expect ... the unexpected.
Whatever rational things you've expected to come out of all the yelling, screaming, crying, begging, pleading that you've done ... Learn to expect the unexpected and you may even be able to lay down and get some sleep tonight (instead of sitting up thinking he'll be home in an hour, hour turns to hours, and some to days and days to weeks and weeks to months ... You get the picture of what I'm saying ... I'm sure ... and you can bet when he does stroll in he'll bring his addiction with him.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Passion
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