DeltaBravo

Been doing a lot of reflecting during this period of sobriety. I start my outpatient treatment next week. Nervous, excited, and scared...to be honest. Anyways I've been trying to understand the reasons why I would "fall of the wagon". Every time I would....didn't matter if I was sober for a week, two, or 30 days...My arrogance was the center. I felt I deserved to drink. I remember my last time.....I actually was trying to talk myself out of it...but I just let my dark passenger take over. Then I came up with this plan on how I wouldn't get caught. Needless to say I did...because now when I drink...I drink large quantities...the 9 times out of 10 lead me to pass out...lol. No hiding that!

Anyways so I'm reflecting on this and also dealing with the issues of my previous drunk transgressions. Even though I'm doing well and feeling great....I have made quite a mess over the past few years...so I have lost a lot of trust in some peoples eyes.

Just checking in. HOpe all is well.

Delfin

Hi DeltaBravo,

I think everything you said is very true for a lot of us, feeling g we deserved to drink, the dark passenger taking over (love that description), and the messes. The good thing is we get this beautiful second chance. Sounds like you're taking advantage of that chance by going to outpatient. I hope it goes well for you. Check in and let us know.

Delfin

Soberwolf

Excellent post bud

ChancesAh

We all have those thoughts - ie we deserve a drink, we can moderate, one day off & as negative - worthless, loser you should just drink etc.
Some call it your A.V. (Alcoholic Voice) but basically it's the mental illness side of alcoholism kicking in. When I have those thoughts I always say to myself, 'You have a mental illness in alcohol and that voice is the sick man talking to you'. The idea of listening to a lunatic seems to push me back in the right direction.

Carver

I think my AV has just been renamed The Dark Passenger

Great post, thank you.

MaidenNZ

Interesting profile picture...guitars n guns. They seem the polar opposites of each other to me.., the beauty of a guitar and the destruction of a gun. We have all rationalised that we "deserve a drink" for non-alcoholics that might be ok, not for us though

helpimalive

I relapse out of arrogance, too. Like, every time. My arrogance is in thinking it will be different this time. That I will be so different from everybody else who quits alcohol because it screws up their life, because I will be able to return to drinking normally.

Is very dumb.

I don't know how to deal with it.

Feeling like you deserve a drink, though ... Could it help to write something out to remind yourself that drinking is not a reward? To make yourself think you instead deserve *not* to drink?